STORYLINE

Re: Infringement of Trademark Rights of Manimal Sports Drinks

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Dear Lahaina Merchants Association

We represent the owners of trademark registration no. 11948372 here and in dimension ∃3.81.654729. Widespread use of the Manimal trademark has been made, to the extent that this trademark has acquired an extensive reputation and goodwill throughout existence. The Manimal trademark is, accordingly, also a well-known mark for all relevant purposes of trademark law.

It has come to our attention that you are using the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. This trademark is confusingly and/or deceptively similar to our Manimal trademark and also constitutes a reproduction or imitation thereof.

In this circumstance, your use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark will constitute an infringement of our registered and common law rights.

As such, we seek relief. We demand that you immediately:

  1. Cease all use of the trademark Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry”; or agree to our licensing terms. They are quite reasonable and we are willing to barter. We hold non-perishable food stuffs, bottled water, medical supplies, and ammunition at a premium.

  2. Deliver-up for destruction all material to which the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark or any other mark confusingly or deceptively similar to our trademark has been applied. The Manimal brand is synonymous with health, vitality, vigor, and an active lifestyle. Your dubious flavors and bizarre filtration methods are harmful to the image that our clients have carefully cultivated. Furthermore, the lack of proper government health and safety oversight in the production of your “drink” exposes the public to significant dangers.

  3. Withdraw, cancel and/or delete any corporate names, domain names, trademark applications and/or trademark registrations for or including the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. Whales are beautiful and intelligent creatures that many revere. It is also illegal to hunt many species. We understand that at least one of your “brewing” whales is of a protected species. Your are exposing yourself to quite severe penalties and associating our clients with a practice that many would find abhorrent or distasteful. On a more personal note, I find the name of your product disgusting. I would be willing to provide you with a professional and experienced marketing specialist at a reasonable fee. Again, we are willing to barter for your potential new brand specialist.

  4. Undertake, in writing, never in future to make any use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark without prior written authority from us, whether within any corporate name, trading name, trading style, domain name or otherwise.

You may be foolish enough to think that we do not have jurisdiction in your area or that you are beyond our reach and/or ability to enforce this claim. That would be a big mistake. While you’ve been spending your time figuring out how to make drinks inside of dead animals and stealing intellectual property, we have been planning. We’ve spent years in the executive mezzanine brainstorming about what we would do to people who choose to ignore our demands. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff that Phil’s come up with. Just thinking about it makes me shudder, and I’m a hard guy to shock. Don’t let this letter fool you. We aren’t the kind of law firm that relies solely on procedures and motions. It would be wise and healthier for you not to elicit any further action on our part.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on November 4, 2115. This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

Kurt Bickley

STORYLINE

How Tiki Idols Helped Everyone Work Together

In the past, before my grandpa and his friends made everything safe on the hill, people would carve tiki idols to help them remember people or stories. Some of the idols were even gods. Nobody in Pu`u think the idols are gods anymore, but they still help us deal with the people down below and remember the way things used to be.

A long, long, time ago people on the islands didn’t have cameras or books so when they wanted to remember something they’d carve an idol. The idols would be a way for the people to remember all of their grandparents or explain how something happened, like how people were made. For a long time people would learn about their history or religion with the help of the idols.

Some of the idols were made of stone but most were carved out of wood. The idols could be bigger than a person sometimes, but most weren’t. Some of the idols had lots of patterns carved into them or even bright colors. Even though some of the idols were supposed to be people they didn’t look very realistic, but they would usually have something special carved into them so you could tell who or what it was supposed to be.

When people got smarter and stopped believing that birds could talk, or that people were made of dirt, they stopped praying to them. They still carved the idols because they were cool to look at but people could look at pictures of old people to remember them. They had science to answer questions about where people came from so they didn’t need the idols anymore.

When the veils broke everyone was really scared. Only smart people like my grandpa had things that worked because they were prepared. The people got together in groups to help each other and protect themselves from Night Marchers and Green Ladies. The people on the hill all worked together but the people below fought a lot and would try to steal if you didn’t watch them. The worst were the people who got sick and ugly. They would usually fight and they would always try and steal things, especially guns.

Rai stones helped all the people get along better and some of the fighting stopped but things were still bad. Everyone on the hill wished that the people below would be better and act right but they didn’t know what to do. Then someone thought about how tiki idols helped people remember rules and learn about things.

The people on the hill talked to the people down below including the ugly people about what rules would be best for everyone. They made idols that had little bits of everyone, even sharp teeth for the ones who got sick. They agreed that the idols would be a symbol of getting along. The people on the hill told the dumber people that the idols were watching everyone and would punish anybody not following the rules. After that, things were much better.

Tiki idols help us keep the people down below from being bad and help us remember how hard working together used to be. Even though we lied about the idols watching over everyone, it was a good lie like when you tell your mom that your room is clean so you can practice shooting. I’m glad that someone remembered tiki idols and that all the people down below believe in them.

Akamai Mahelona
Pu`u School Lahaina

4th Grade

STORYLINE

I Don’t Want My Son Spending Valentine’s Day On Your Ship!

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When Maleko told me that he wanted to enroll in your Love and Literacy program, I thought it was odd but that it couldn’t hurt. I was obviously wrong. I had no idea the kind of nonsense that you would be filling his head with. It seems like you people need a reality check. The world has order and rules again, it has to in order to make everything work. Love is fine but it doesn’t protect you on the road and it doesn’t make the water drinkable. Love doesn’t conquer all!

I knew something was different after his first week of classes. Maleko has always been a sullen boy, and I noticed a certain sparkle in his eye that had been previously reserved for lava sledding. My suspicions were confirmed we he started talking about a girl in his class called Nui. It was nothing but Nui this and Nui that around here. He told me that her parents grew breadfruit, and that she was a great story teller. I should have known something was wrong by the way he acted when I suggested that she come up to Pu’u for a visit. I missed it, but I blame you for creating an environment that fosters such nonsense.

His father and I laughed about his puppy love, and joked about how many marriages must come from your school. Reading nothing but romance novels on an old cruise ship filled with teenagers and young adults…it’s just like the people in that old movie, you’re just missing the iceberg. When he started insisting on ironing his clothes I knew things were getting serious. He had been spending so much time at your school and with Nui that we thought we’d surprise him by showing up to his morning class. We were the ones who got a surprise.

I didn’t really understand what I was seeing at first. There was my darling boy sitting on someone’s lap like a ventriloquist dummy. We walked around to face him and get a better look at who this person was and why he was sitting like that. When I realized that it was a hulking Kānaka girl my jaw dropped. It suddenly all made sense to me, but I didn’t want to believe it. This was Nui.

We all stared in silence for a few seconds before Maleko kicked his legs and yelled, “Put me down!” They both began to ramble and explain, but I couldn’t hear them right away. Nui was at least 2 feet taller than him and probably double his weight. All I could imagine was where we’d get a dress to fit, how the wedding pictures would look, and what his grandmother would say.

When I could comprehend words again, Maleko was in the middle of explaining that Nui’s parents weren’t exactly thrilled with the idea of him either, but they understood that the heart wants what it wants. The “teacher” said something about how the power of love can overcome all obstacles and how inspirational their story was. I can’t believe you teach such rubbish!

It didn’t get any better. My innocent son informed me that the two were already engaged and that they were planning on having a Kānaka binding ceremony, whatever that is, on Valentine’s Day! Worse still, the school was sponsoring the event and letting them both stay overnight on the ship for their honeymoon.

Who do you people think you are? Nobody informed me of anything, and I’m the mother of one of these misguided kids. Your staff has been anything but helpful up to this point and my husband seems resigned to the idea that we’ll soon have a new daughter-in-law. But I don’t see how this comes out happy in the end. That’s all I want. I’m sure they think they’re in love, but is love really enough to make it through this world? Please, don’t let my son spend Valentine’s Day on your ship!

Iolana Mahelona

STORYLINE

My Work Environment Has Become Untenable

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Dear Main Office,

I was touring the Vereserum facility in Lahaina when the catastrophe hit. Fresh out of college and looking for an internship, Vereserum was my first choice. I could hardly contain my excitement when I left for my interview. The future seemed wide open, little did I know that fortune and fate would choose my life path for me.

I’m proud of the way we all acted that day. While the world crumbled around us outside, we took in the sick and dying and took care of eachother. Even though most of us would never talk to our loved ones again we pulled together and made a plan for the future. The personal sacrifice and vision for the coming days was inspiring. I can’t speak highly enough of the work we’ve done over the subsequent 30 years. Even when I didn’t personally approve of every step, I understood the purpose of our work, but 30 years is a long time and things have changed. This past year has been a nightmare!

The problems started when people started showing up late. The idea of normal work hours flew out the window. My co-workers seemed to have little regard to schedules and some even had the audacity to take vacation days that they clearly didn’t have. Soon, even the dress code was ignored, with shorts becoming the norm instead of an end-of-the-week privilege. The unprofessional floodgates opened. Overnight I found myself in a hostile work environment. It has become so bad that I’ve lost track of the number of lewd or profane comments I’ve heard.

A group has appropriated lab equipment to build a number of stills and are producing a staggering amount of alcohol. Worse still, one of the group is the lab manager. They’ve knocked out the walls between labs A and B to create the most disgusting bar you can imagine. My protests have fallen on deaf ears and I fear that very little lab work is being done. The prurient grunts and muffled screams that come from the makeshift lounge on a daily basis lead me to believe that we are in dire need of more training videos about appropriate work conduct.

In addition, we have lost all focus on our most important project. As you know, we have been testing individuals who have been physically changed by the radiation after the accident. It was our hope that with the correct medication or medical interventions, we could use these individuals natural resistances to our advantage. Having a repair crew that could withstand poison gas leaks or 127 exposure was our goal. As our reports show, we’ve had good success. Unfortunately even that accomplishment is being squandered.

Fueled with the lab liquor, the staff has been pitting the two groups we’ve created against one another in contests and betting on the results. The amount of equipment that has been dismantled by these groups while being timed by staff is staggering. I clearly voiced my displeasure with these contests but again, was met with nothing but mockery and derision. This morning when I walked down to my office I discovered that my co-workers thought it would be funny to let a test group loose while I was asleep.

Almost all my equipment was dismantled, my experiments were ruined, and my desk was in 5 pieces. In addition, one of the test subjects had relieved himself in my trash can. This was the final insult! They seem to be under the impression that normal work attire and behavior are no longer the norm just because we haven’t heard from the main office in the past year. Right now they are all in the bar having a “Grievance” party after I informed them that I felt it necessary to officially report their actions. I still believe in our work and in the Vereserum code of conduct, but I refuse to believe in my co-workers. Please advise.

Trent Rowder
Lead Researcher
Vereserum Labs

STORYLINE

Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners Roadmap For the Future

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Good Morninng SSB&P employees! I’d like to welcome everyone who decided to renew their commitment to our company yesterday during the turmoil. I’m in awe of your enthusiasm and dedication. The transition team and I look forward to working with each and every one of you. We are going to have to be extremely agile as an organization at this critical time, but I promise to communicate the decisions we make as soon as possible. The new org chart will be on display in the mezzanine for all to see and will be updated in real time as the situation dictates.

In other good news Phil and the janitorial crew have pushed Brian and the mailroom traitors to the floors below street level. All employees should now have unfettered access to the main lobby. More than ever it’s important that everyone in the building embrace SSB&P’s new core values. We need to recreate a world where each of us can flourish while exploring new revenue streams and protecting all the building’s entrances. Now that the housecleaning has been addressed, let me move on to the rebuilding part. Despite the mailroom machinations, we’ve put together an exciting plan! If this really is the apocalypse you should consider Phil and I the two-headed beast of opportunity. Here’s an outline of our immediate action items.

Litigation: Do I plan on suing Veilcorp? I’m a graduate of Harvard Law, of course I do. While It may seem like the obviousness of this revenue stream would dilute any recovery we receive, it was decided that it should be pursued anyway. This decision has been bolstered with the news of how far reaching this calamity has gone and as the body count has continued to grow. It is our belief that SSB&P might end up being one of the last law firms which means we will be able to cherry-pick clients. When whatever passes as a governing body reestablishes control we will demand a speedy hearing.

Schrödinger’s Cash: There has been a lot of back and forth on this one. In the end, It was very important to Phil that we pursue this program. We will be filling numerous boxes with photocopied money and sending it from the main transport hub around the corner, to the veil station downtown. It is Phil’s hope that during the transport process probability will intervene and replace our boxes with boxes of real money. If Phil is right, he’s a hero. If he’s wrong, he’s the large man who serves as a shield against looters and Brian.

Transdimensional Synergy: If you like adventure, want to be guaranteed a management position, or just figure “This will look great on my resume!” our interdimensional innovator program is a great opportunity . Every morning we’ll send two volunteers through the gateway with a bag full of contracts, cease and desist letters, and other various legal documents. Explore strange new worlds, make deals with interesting people, and threaten to sue them. Obtain legal rights to otherworldly intellectual property and recruit their best and brightest. It is important that we spread the SSB&P message as far as we can. In addition to moving up the org chart all employees able to return to this dimension with signed paperwork will receive one of the remaining chocolate muffins in the cafeteria while supplies last.

I won’t lie to you and say that the days forward are going to be easy, but we made it through the first together. With your help and the guidance of the transition committee, I’m confident that we’ll make it through many more. The outside world may be a catastrophe right now, but things are looking pretty good in here. Let’s lean in to this challenge together and come out better on the other side, wherever that may be. I truly believe that the opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

Kurt Bickley
Acting President & CEO Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners

STORYLINE

Lahaina Ancestor Exhibit Misses the Mark

For weeks I’d been hearing about how wonderful the ancestors exhibit was at the museum so I decided to finally check it out for myself. I moved to Lahaina over 4 years ago and have completely embraced the way of life and culture. I’ve never lived someplace that felt so perfect before. I couldn’t wait to see the artifacts and learn more about my adopted people. To put it bluntly, what I found inside was horrifying. Instead of uplifting a proud and ecologically responsible culture, I was exposed to a hit job of the grossest kind.

First, let me address the elephant in the room. Let’s talk about the shark teeth. They are tied, wedged, and jammed into a majority of the “artifacts”. Did I mention that most of the artifacts are really weapons? There are shark teeth clubs, daggers, and things that I don’t even know what they are. I was surprised that the gratuitous amount of teeth didn’t spill over into other parts of the museum. I fully expected to find shark-toothed pens or bookmarks in the gift shop.

I’m not saying that these items might not have been occasionally used in the past, just that this dental damnation of the Hawaiian people was offensive. I’m not sure why we as a community would support this sort of thing.

I had heard that tiki idols were used at one time to revere ancestors but that was before pens and paper. It’s hardly the Hawaiian people’s fault that they used these grotesques at one point before they had the technology to write down, “Grandpa Joe is a really great guy!”

Hula skirts were nowhere to be seen except the gift shop. Are we really to believe that the early explorers brought dance and clothing to Hawaii? The same held true for leis. I guess the islanders couldn’t string a bunch of flowers together either until the big boats showed up.

After a few minutes of looking around at this Polynesian minstrel show, my hands began to shake with anger and I had to leave. I thought about what I’d seen all day and decided that I should warn everyone thinking of going to the exhibit and to help the “experts” at the museum with their next “celebration of Hawaiian culture and history.” Here it goes.

Real Hawaiians don’t drink out of hollowed-out pineapples and coconuts. Pineapples aren’t even indigenous to the islands. We enjoy our adult beverages in glasses with LED lighting like everyone else. We don’t put on flip-flops and walk down to the beach to play our ukuleles. We wear rubbah slippers and listen to the house band at the resort. I’d never wear a shirt that combined flowers with cars or animals. True Hawaiian shirts have flowers, various plants, and maybe surfboards. That’s it. Anything else is cultural appropriation. Our free time is not spent watching the spam sculpture competition at the fair. We eat musubi and spicy spam sushi rolls.

The Hawaii I’ve come to know and love is about beautiful beaches, the bounty of nature, and buffets. When we have a problem we go down to the local beach bar, watch the surfers, and talk it out over chi-chi’s. We don’t rip open bellies with the tooth-encrusted handguards on our bone punch-daggers when we have a disagreement. I’m no historian but I think we as a people, and certainly our children, deserve better than what is on display now. Let’s forget the past and work together to frame a better narrative moving forward.

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Ronnie Kalipalani Construction Should be Shutdown

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To whom it may concern at the Aloha Businesses Bureau,

I’ve been in the real estate business for a long time and I thought I’d seen it all. I’ve encountered people trying to pass off fake permits and licenses. I once hired a landscaping company that turned out to be a Gaia Guard front. I’ve done business with countless people who thought they could swim with the big fishes because they believed their participation trophies counted for something. What I’ve never experienced before was a business that was such a perfect combination of lazy, incapable, delusional, and incompetent as Ronnie Kalipalani Construction.

Part of me wants to thank them for letting me know that it’s still possible to be surprised, but it’s a really small part. If you look through your records you’ll see this is my only complaint in almost 15 years of doing business on the island. I’m not the kind of guy who complains, certainly not to authorities. I usually like to handle bad situations myself. If this was just your run-of-the-mill bad business, I’d devote the next year to ruining it and the owner. I’d chew it up and spit out anything worth selling, but this time is different. Ron’s business is like bad shellfish. No amount of garlic, wine, or good management is going to make a difference. They need to be shutdown!

I should have known we were going to have problems when Ron told me that they weren’t “super good at pulling permits.” In fact, his team didn’t seem to know where to go to get them, or that they needed to present plans at all. Let me restate that for you. This is a construction company that didn’t know they needed work plans or blueprints. That’s like a restaurant not knowing the chef is going to need to have knives.

I hired them to build a small condo complex and invited the crew to the groundbreaking event. I routinely encourage my contractors to attend such affairs so they can see what my vision is. Never before have I had a group use such an event as an excuse for an impromptu drunken beach party. When I asked Ron to explain to me why I shouldn’t fire him on the spot I was told, “I understand that my guys were out of line, but being able to grab drinks freely on such a nice day isn’t the kind of thing that some people are evolved to handle. If you gave 100 kids a big bowl of candy a good percentage of them are going to eat the whole thing and get sick. It wouldn’t be fair to punish the sick kids would it? After all, you’re the one who gave them the candy.”

I must admit that the answer disarmed me a bit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t admire the audaciousness of the statement. I decided to let him continue working and started documenting everything. I planned on keeping a close eye on things and give him enough rope to hang himself. It didn’t take long.

When I complained that the crew stopped showing up in full after the first month, I was told their previous attendance had been a fluke of the weather and the relationship status of the foreman. Ron said, “Johnny [the foreman] was going through some trouble with his wife when we started. So we were all doing our best to not hang out at his house since that was a big point of contention in his marriage. We all decided to just keep our heads down and focus on the job until he worked things out. I also let you know that the weather was starting to turn nice and I was going to have a hard time looking the guys in the eye and telling them ‘no surfing until the job is done.’”

At this point I thought it best that I sever all ties with Ronnie Kalipalani Construction before my temper got the better of me. I was told that I was too attached to deadlines but that they understood. Before I threw them off the property the foreman told me, “Trust me, when you’re at the end of your trip on this rock flying through space you’re not going to wish that you had built more medium grade condos to stuff with tourists. You’re going to wish you spent more time with your bruddahs.”

I have no idea how or why you ever endorsed these clowns. One of the only reasons I’m not dealing with Ron myself is he asked me not to file an official complaint. I have no problem at all kicking someone when they’re down, I do it gleefully every day, but I think something might actually be wrong with Mr. Kalipalani. If someone can’t fully appreciate the full magnitude of their destruction as I devour them, it ruins it for me. I would suggest strongly that you do everything in your power to close them down while I’m still feeling uncharacteristically charitable.

STORYLINE

How To Communicate the News About the Train Station In a Responsible Way

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Dear city council,

Like many in Lahaina, I was delighted when I heard about the inter-island rail project. Having an easy way to travel across the island and to Lanai seemed like a great idea, even considering the level of profanity that public transportation evokes. When I learned that Veilcorp was pulling out last year I was greatly concerned. Mayor Cravalho did an admirable job however of quickly spreading the news that the train might still run one day. Unfortunately, it appears now that the train won’t be traveling anywhere. My investigations have revealed that the train station has a new owner and we have a potential crisis on our hands. I’m talking of course about the crisis of excessive disappointment. We need to make sure our friends and neighbors are ready for it.

As a published amateur sociologist with 2 active blogs, I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. Many of you ignored my warnings about the increase in public profanity the radio tower would produce. I think we all know how that worked out. I can only hope that you listen more closely to my warnings about rampant disappointment.

My studies and observations have led me to believe that the displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations might be just as bad as swearing. Research has shown that when asked to rank words from “good” to “bad”, disappointment ranks consistently near the bottom. These investigations have further shown that a feeling of disappointment can drastically affect an individual’s behavior. I have some personal experience in this area.

As a child my parents would often forget to pick me up at scheduled times after events, a phenomenon that continues to this day. I can’t count how many times I’ve carpooled with a group only to be inexplicably left behind when it was time to go. I’m not sure what it is that makes it so easy for others to drive away without me, but the disappointment it caused has left its mark. I now try to drive myself everywhere and become very anxious whenever I ride with someone else. The last thing we need is an entire island wondering what to do with themselves because the possibility of taking a train ride home has been stripped from them.

Trains are romantic and good for the environment. There’s no doubt that Veil travel is the way to go if you’re traveling a long way, but for short trips there’s nothing like riding the rails. Trains are a great way to see the countryside and really experience a culture. Most countries see the value in a robust rail system and I know many on the island do too. A recent survey of 150 different countries has shown that the U.S. ranked 5th for being the most emotional country. Our emotional rivers are already swollen at the banks and I’m not sure what is going to happen if the city council unleashes a downpour of disappointment with the train news.

Things have already turned violent with the year long delay. I’ve been spending the last few months hiding near the empty station at night. I watch people walk by in order to gauge their level of disappointment and the emotional problems it causes. What I’ve found is eye-opening. I’ve been verbally assaulted and threatened on numerous occasions while crouched in the bushes. I was even attacked with pepper spray on one occasion while trying to follow a particularly raucous group who were wandering by. I was stunned at how quickly their laughter turned to screams and shouts. I wondered what had caused such a quick change in mood as I tried to wash out my eyes in the shadows. I’ve been all over this island and the people are generally kind and friendly. Why were they acting so differently at night near the train station, especially towards someone partially hidden in the foliage? Then a switch flipped in my head and the answer became clear: crushing disappointment.

I’m sure Vereserum is a fine company and will employ people, pay taxes, and all that, but will they be offering train rides? I highly doubt it. We need to get in front of this thing before word gets out. I don’t want to get bogged down in how I know about this deal before it has been made public. That’s not important right now. What is important is appropriate signage and a carefully crafted statement.

Luckily for you, I am willing to offer up my expertise and extensive knowledge of the human mind. I have a few ideas about the amount of smiley faces and other positive emoji’s to include in your official statement, and some font choices that I think will serve us well. Lahaina is supposed to be a friendly, beautiful place. Nobody wants to watch sad surfers or walk along a bitter beach. Disappointment can spread like a disease and we need to be the cure. If I work all night I can have my slides ready for your morning meeting. Let me know If I should stay home tonight and out of the bushes. I’m confident that together we can guide the people of Lahaina through this difficult time.

STORYLINE

Protests Shutdown Veilcorp Facilities Nationwide

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Three Veilcorp facilities closed today due to a number of organized protests across the country.

While dozens of smaller protests have sprung up at various company buildings, protests in Detroit, Seattle, and Lahaina have been exceptionally large. So far the demonstrations have been peaceful and officials have urged restraint on both sides due to the long history of violent protests involving Veilcorp. Company officials have halted operations at these facilities out of safety concerns.

Gateway technology has been hotly debated for several years but last year’s signing of The Gateway Travel Accord has led to numerous protests that have become increasingly violent. Radical environmental groups like Gaia Guard have broken into and vandalized a number of Veilcorp facilities in recent years and the watchdog group VeilWatch remains a staunch opponent, claiming the company has a long history of “pay-to-play” activities. Today’s protests appear to be organized by a collection of trade organizations and unions. They are by far the largest and most well organized to date.

Police and emergency services are monitoring the protests and say they hope everyone will act responsibly. The President has promised to “hold both sides accountable for their actions should things get out of hand.”

“Today marks the 177th anniversary of the formation of The Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers and Trainmen. The BLET was created to combat robber barons and corrupt politicians. In 1946 the union shutdown the railroads and forced the government to address the people’s concerns. Those concerns were more important than corporate profits and political favors. They made their government acknowledge wrongs and made them make things right. Becoming part of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters in 2004 renewed that commitment to protecting hard-working people. With the help of our brothers and sisters in the Association of Flight Attendants we are following their lead and taking a stand here today. We will come out on the right side of history and force Veilcorp to right their wrongs,” reads a statement released by activists.

Veilcorp spokeswoman Lisa Hunt responded in part, “Veilcorp has broken no laws, and we take environmental concerns very seriously. Whenever there is a giant leap in technology there will be a period of adjustment needed before employers and lawmakers catch up to the new reality. We are working hard with both to ensure a bright future for all. We disagree with many of the statements made by these radicals but agree that they will be remembered by history. Just like their 19th century forefathers, these 21st century luddites will be remembered for being too stuck in the past to move forward with the rest of civilization. We humbly suggest that the order of sky waitresses return their trays to a locked and upright position and step out of their tube of recycled ideas through the nearest emergency exit. They, along with their steam-drunk friends, have gone off the rails. Veil travel is here to stay. It’s fast, safe, and there’s no need for seat belt demonstrations. You just walk through into the future.”