STORYLINE

Inter Island Rail Project Put On Hold After VeilCorp Pulls Out

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Like many of you I was excited when I was approached about the idea of the inter-island rail system. Having a fast and affordable way to travel over and between Maui and Lanai seemed like a great plan. The traffic from VeilCorp employee’s alone would have paid for the project within 15 years according to our projections so I did not hesitate to push for the bond issue. There was even talk of expanding the line to cover all the islands. As we all now know the project has been put on hold weeks before it was set to make its first run and VeilCorp has left us holding the bag.

As your mayor I felt it was important that I explained to you what happened, what my office plans to do next, and how I plan on making VeilCorp accountable for their part in this fiasco.

Almost 4 years ago the idea for the rail system was brought up in a meeting we had with a VeilCorp development team. In addition to serving the needs of the local community and tourists, the system would be used by the employees working at the power plant and the veil station. It was agreed that we would come up with most of the capital and build the first lines here and one connecting to Lanai. VeilCorp agreed to give us all the revenue until the bond was paid off and a share going forward. Staffing and maintenance would be our responsibility with VeilCorp footing the energy bill.

Almost immediately the plan started going off track. The site VeilCorp wanted was the old Methodist church. There were numerous concerns about the environmental impact of building lines through the preservation zone and rumors about outside labor being brought in. I worked tirelessly to investigate the rumors and allay any fears about construction. Unfortunately some of those fears have turned out to be true despite my best efforts.

Now that Gateway technology has been made legal for commercial and travel purposes worldwide, VeilCorp says they are no longer interested in the rail project. They now plan on using the Gateway to transport their workforce through a number of veil stations, and not the train system. They have effectively cut out the majority of our customers and revenue. My office doesn’t see a way forward economically at this point and have ordered all operations halted immediately.

We are exploring all legal solutions and I filed formal complaints with all applicable federal agencies. All of these avenues will take years however, and many of you can’t afford to wait that long. We have been in contact with a number of organizations interested in purchasing the station, including a major biotech firm. We have also considered converting the building into government offices but I’m hesitant to sink more money into this project. In the short-term we will be converting the station into a community center and continue to investigate any and all options available to us.

I know that this is not the news that many of you wanted to hear but I’ve always strived to be open and honest with you even when the news is not good. Rest assured that we are working tirelessly to make the best of our current situation and my press office will be giving regular weekly updates. Thank you for your continued support and understanding.

STORYLINE

If You Want Warm Cookies In the Jungle This VeilCorp Spin-Off Has Some Good News

Reality Machine, a daughter company to VeilCorp, plans on using gateway technology to help supply people in remote locations of the globe. Their prototype machine combines 3d-printing technology with a small internal gateway able to transport small items, about the size of a loaf of bread. Lead designer Bill Stewart says the machine still has a way to go before it’s a feasible alternative to going to the store, but may soon become the best way to provide supplies to far-flung corners of the world. “You’re not going to see one in your neighbor’s home anytime soon, but it does provide some interesting opportunities for relief organizations or groups working in distant areas.“

pocketcommander 1 hour ago
“First!”
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raisedright 1 hour ago
“At ease pocketcommander. Thank you for your service.”
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buffalophil 55 mins ago
“Typical Veilcorp bullshit. Trying to poison the world with extra-dimensional food.”
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BridgetT 53 mins ago
“Oeming really is shameless.”

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Howardthegoose 50 mins ago
“Yeah, fuck him for trying to figure out a way to get clean food and water to people after a natural disaster!”
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TerryH 49 mins ago
“It’s amazing that they can fit a power source powerful enough in something the size of a refrigerator. It has to put out a ton of heat though.”
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StewartB 49 mins ago
“Thanks Terry, we’re excited about it too. I work at RM/VC. I can’t get into specifics but we’ve come up with a way to diffuse virtually all of the heat from the power source. Your computer probably gets hotter. The linked article does a good job of diving down into the technology a bit, and you can see pictures of all of us eating cookies sent through the gateway.”
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Burgerthyme 46 mins ago
“Sounds good but I wonder how reliable the printer is. I have a mid-grade system and it breaks down at least once a year. I’m guessing Veilcorp can afford a better model than I have.”
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StewartB 45 mins ago
“I don’t know much about your finances but it’s probably safe to assume that Uncle Oeming has deeper pockets than you Burger :-). The printer was a big issue for us though. We tried a number of vendors but had a lot of trouble finding one that was tough enough for our purposes. In the end we just built our own. It’s great. I’ve actually been pushing to put it on the market, but I’m just the design guy.”
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Braddick 45 mins ago
“How does it feel to be a tool of the most evil organization this world or any other has ever seen?”
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Grabbage 41 mins ago
“This automatic poisoning machine brought to you by the US government and Veilcorp. Coming soon to an enemy of the state near you.”
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Brownbetty 41 mins ago
“Sounds good but I worked for the OCHA and we had a hard time getting basic medical supplies because of funding issues. Notice how the article doesn’t mention a price? I find the claims that this is being made for relief organizations highly suspect. If the UN can’t afford to send enough bandages to an area there’s no way they could pay for a portable gateway.”
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StewartB 40 mins ago
“There’s no doubt that this isn’t monetarily feasible yet. I said so in the interview. It’s still in the prototype stage, but I don’t think we’re as far away as you think. Once we work out all the kinks and find out what works… I have no doubt you’ll be seeing one of our machines in the field within 18 months. I can assure you nothing more nefarious than sending hot apple pie to research stations in the arctic is going on here.”
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Grabbage 40 mins ago
“So you’ve built a billion dollar pie machine?”
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Howardthegoose 38 mins ago
“VeilCorp doesn’t have the best public image lately, just look at some of the comments. I don’t have an opinion one way or the other but it is kind of interesting to me that the first spin-off is making a really expensive machine for use in an area that is probably full of really poor people or a place where everyone has just lost everything. Do you really plan on selling these or is the plan for this to be Oeming’s pet charity project.”
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StewartB 37 mins ago
“We absolutely plan on these machines being an effective tools in areas hit by disasters. As I’ve pointed out, the costs are going to way down once we get this working smoothly. Once that happens the price becomes reasonable for a larger organization or a government. We sell some more and the price goes down again and you start seeing them other places….on and on. That’s how developing and selling new technology works. As far as Oeming goes, he’s already given so much to society that it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked something out for people in need at some point but that’s a bit above my paygrade. I will say that I’ve been impressed with him every time we’ve met and he seems like he really just wants to make the world better.”
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Grabbage 36 mins ago
“It’s a good thing you’re typing this and not talking because I’m not sure we could understand you with Oeming’s dick in your mouth.”
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Braddick 36 mins ago
“I’m pretty sure there’s some people in Iowa who would disagree with you. I mean the ones who haven’t died of the cancer that he gave them.”
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pocketcommander 35 mins ago
“Cancer is for fags!”
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buffalophil 33 mins ago
“This is really a new low for this place. What Veilvertisement can we expect tomorrow?”
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raisedright 33 mins ago
“Are you kidding? This is exactly the type of thing we cover here, what part of it seems paid to you? I think it’s great that Stewart is actually here answering questions.”
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buffalophil 32 mins ago
“How close is your cubicle to Stewart’s?”
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Pieman 30 mins ago
“What other kinds of pie do you want to send through the gateway?”
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Brownbetty 29 mins ago
“Have you asked for input from any of these organizations? A lot of really smart people work in these areas even though it’s not that glamorous. Not everyone thinks money is the most important thing. I’m sure these people could help you figure out possible problems that you don’t even know about yet.”
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StewartB 28 mins ago
“We’ve been working closely with a number of different organizations and did quite a bit of research before we started building. In fact I have a number of engineers on my team who put time in with various relief groups after college. They’ve all been valuable so far.”
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HarryG 25 mins ago
“How did you get started? What’s a pitch to Oeming like?”
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pocketcommander 25 mins ago
“I think Oeming only catches”
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Prissypants 22 mins ago
“Just a matter of time before the Seattle plant starts capturing and transporting Sasquatch soldiers to the Congo. Lets see how bad they want to keep fighting when a bunch of wildmen commandos start popping out of boxes.”
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bigboned 20 mins ago
“Any plans on using these to replace fast food workers? I’m sure a machine could do a better job at not fucking up my order than the meth-heads working by me.”
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Knighttime 19 mins ago
“It’s been hinted at here already but I’ll come out and ask you directly. Are you telling us that no military applications have been discussed? Is any part of your funding coming from the government?”
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StewartB 18 mins ago
“We’re a publicly traded company so all of our financials are public. VeilCorp of course has many government contracts and is our parent company but that doesn’t have anything to do with us. I guarantee you that there isn’t a room full of generals sitting around here telling us what to do. The military already has a robust system for moving ammo and supplies so I’m not sure what military use our vending machine size project would have.”
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Braddick 18 mins ago
“So it’s beyond your ability to imagine how easy it would be send send a small nuclear bomb anywhere in the world with this?”
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StewartB 17 mins ago
“I don’t think the military would has any trouble sending a nuclear bomb of any size, anywhere in the world, right now. They don’t need our help. I think your tinfoil hat might be making your head too warm you might want to switch to aluminum or something.”
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Worktime 15 mins ago
“Have you tried it out on anything alive yet? I’ve always wanted a pig vending machine.”
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StewartB 14 mins ago
“No we haven’t, but I like the way you think.”
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Lawren27 10 mins ago
“Oh, wonderful time of the day to enjoy sexy time! Fancy given hand or two with! this issue? Try these pills!”
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Lancalittle 8 mins ago
“How inspired by the aliens would you say is your design process?”
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Turbocharged 7 mins ago
“Have you tried sending anything back in time?”
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Brando15 5 mins ago
“There’s been a lot of talk here about sending things back and forth to places that are hard to get to but I think we’re all missing the point. Humans don’t want to move. Sure it starts with big things like this but before you know it nobody is getting out of their chairs. Why get up and go to the bathroom to brush your teeth when you can get transported there. Why bother picking up your toothbrush when it can be gated into your mouth. We won’t even have legs in a hundred generations at this point.”

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pocketcommander 5 mins ago
“I liked Brando14 better.”
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Turk 4 mins ago
“It wasn’t mentioned in the article, but how long have you been working on this project. Do you keep the old models anywhere special? I heard Oeming has a collection of all the older Veilcorp projects as they’ve progressed.”
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StewartB 3 mins ago
“I’ve been here since the start. That was almost 2 years ago so we’re making really good progress. We’ve done most of the designs with computer models and the frame of the machine is the original. So there isn’t really a collection of old machines, just a pile of parts that didn’t work or failed somehow. I’m not sure how cool or educational it would be to look at a pile of old motherboards and burnt out motors. I’m pretty sure Oeming said as much in an older interview. If I’d had a hand in as much stuff he has I’d probably want to keep it in a collection as well. Having said that, I haven’t seen it but would jump at the opportunity.”
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StewartB 1 min ago
“Looks like things are slowing down a bit. Time to get some work done. Keep the questions coming. I’ll answer as many as I can later.”
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STORYLINE

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate

STORYLINE

Live Free and Secure in Duracave’s New Mobile Bunker

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I have to admit that I was skeptical when I heard about Duracave’s new mobile bunker system. I didn’t think anything portable would be useful against marauders, let alone government kill squads looking for electronics when the rare earths wars begin. I couldn’t have been more wrong! If you take freedom and the security of your family as seriously as I do, you have to check out what the company has to offer.

Weighing in at around 8 tons, the bunker can be towed by any heavy duty truck or medium duty military vehicle. Don’t let its petite weight fool you, this thing is tough as nails. The frame is made from a proprietary alloy that ignores all but the largest caliber rounds and is weather resistant. Better still, this alloy has terrific insulating properties keeping the temperature inside a constant whether you’re in a blizzard or you’re being lit up by NWO flamethrowers on all sides.

The self-leveling feet allow the bunker to be set up on spongy jungle floor, muddy riverbeds, or even slight grade hills. The main room offers a 270 degree view through tinted duraglass, which keeps out small arms fire and lets you spot chemtrails before it’s too late.

The feature that really sets the Duracave apart however is its mobility even when deployed. The main compartment can swivel to face a small force or turn away from the big guns. It can also change its height. Rise up and make it almost impossible for ground troops to take you away to the internment camps, lower it to hide in natural foliage and avoid being spotted by the black helicopters.

While security is important, it’s anybody’s guess how long a revolution would take or how bad a natural disaster would set civilization back and that means a lot of hours inside. Don’t worry, the Durcave bunker is as thoughtfully designed inside as out.

Communal sleeping quarters can hold up to a dozen comfortably. Cooking and bathroom facilities are on opposite sides of the bunker to limit the chance of cross contamination. Built in storage tanks can hold weeks worth of distilled water, rain water, or pure-grain alcohol. The intercom system allows you to listen to shortwave updates and quickly communicate with anyone inside. Duracave doesn’t want you to just survive. They want you to live.

I can’t say enough about this thing. I’m not usually one to give testimonials or leave reviews. I figure there’s no sense in making it easier for the government to track me but I made an exception in this case. Sure, the cost is a little daunting, but you get what you pay for and in this case you’re getting the ability to make a new start. You can’t put a price tag on family and freedom. I honestly believe that the Duracave bunker may be the most important tool in the pursuit of liberty since the Kentucky Rifle.

Ted Ronner,

Happy Duracave Customer

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Email Outlines the Effects of Gateway Travel On Animals

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from: Dr. Robert Coney

to: Eric Oeming
date: Fri, Aug 27, 2027 at 5:53 PM
subject: Subject R2137 “Brisby” Update

It has been a little over a month since we successfully used the gateway technology on Brisby, and the subsequent discovery of remarkable changes in the rat. She remains in good health with no physical detriments. Her weight and appetite remain normal as are her labs. Her cognitive and special changes are briefly outlined below:

Language: Brisby is capable of recognizing and correctly identifying objects and her favorite foods. She seems to understand tone and can follow simple verbal instructions. However syntax and other higher elements of language seem beyond her grasp so far. Her abilities can best be described as similar to those of a language-deprived child. It may be that we have missed a developmental window in Brisby, and this is the limit of her skills. It is just too early to say at this point.

Social Interactions: As I mentioned to you before, Brisby’s interactions with the other rats has changed. She seems able to communicate with them over a distance without physical contact or a line of sight. We have ruled out that these new interactions are pheromone or scent based. There is a marked increase in brain activity when these communications happen which has led us to hypothesize that what we are witnessing is a documented case of animal ESP.

Empathic Projection/Control: Related to her social interactions but remarkable enough to call out separately is Brisby’s ability to make other rats do her bidding. Whenever she is brought within close proximity to the other animals they move as close as possible to her and remain motionless. If they are moved away they return and resume this behavior. Occasionally these periods will be broken up with one-on-one play with Brisby or with the rat bringing a food item or toy to her. Further, when asked to make another rat move a certain distance away or complete a simple task, Brisby has been able to force the subject to comply without any visible interaction.

Accelerated Learning: Traveling through the gateway has greatly increased Brisby’s ability to learn. She has beaten all previous records in our standard maze, and seems to be able to learn new configurations in record time as well. In addition, an assistant discovered that she has an affinity for watching instructional videos. A how hatchery chickens are made video is her favorite. She asks to watch it every morning and multiple times in a day. However, after careful consideration and an increased interest in factory farming on her part, we’ve decided it best to remove all of the birds from the facility and restrict eggs from the lab. Technical videos seem to run a close second. She lacks the size and dexterity to complete most of the projects shown to her of course, but she was moderately successful at adding more memory to a lab computer after watching a tutorial. She can also successfully login to a work station she has been provided. As noted above we are keeping careful record of her search history.

At this point we will continue with the program as I’ve already laid out and keep you apprised of any new developments. It might be interesting to see if these abilities can be taught to others with her help or passed down to offspring.

STORYLINE

Lost Tourists Found Thanks To “Trail of Drink Pouches”

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A family who went missing on the Pali Trail in Lahaina last week were found safe and sound this morning thanks to the hard work of rescuers and a number of Manimal drink pouches.

Max and Brenda Hower along with their 8-year-old son, Grit, set off last Tuesday for a day hike on the Pali Trail, a popular destination for many tourists. The family declined maps of the area when offered by park authorities saying that they didn’t want to “overplan” their day. When the family didn’t return by dinner that evening, others in their tour group notified officials.

More than 100 people were involved in the ensuing search, with the lost family gaining worldwide attention. The search continued for days amid claims of extreme recklessness, and rumors that the family were missing on purpose in order to land a reality show. The hunt came to an end today after officials followed a trail of empty Manimal drink pouches and found the missing family.

One of the rescuers told reporters, “We turned a corner on the trail and there was garbage everywhere, mostly these empty drink pouches. I thought we found illegal campers at first because of the sheer volume of trash, but it just kept going on into the foliage. After following it for a few hours we heard voices and called out to the family. I don’t know how two adults and a child carried so many drink pouches.”

The family was taken to a local hospital with officials saying they appeared to be well hydrated and in good condition.

“In the beginning I was concerned we wouldn’t make it.” Brenda said in a statement. “It seemed like we walked forever and we were all exhausted that first night… My pack got a little lighter and my confidence grew with every pouch I threw into the bushes. Manimal fought off the doubt that we had made a big mistake and saved my family.”

“Luckily we’re pouch people. following the path and drinking out of a bottle like everyone else is not what the Howers are about. When we find two roads in a wood we make our own road, and sometimes that comes at a cost. Thankfully, we had Manimal pouches. We feel very fortunate that they could follow our trash like a treasure map. There were times that we were scared, but we were never thirsty,” added Max.

Officials say they are looking into the Hower’s story but have no plans to file charges at this time. “The Pali Trail is one of the most pristine places in the world and we ask for the public’s help in keeping it that way. The paths are clearly marked and we encourage the public to use them no matter what their family philosophy may be,” said a park spokesperson.