STORYLINE

The Office of Travel brochures and manuals

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The fracture destroyed large swathes of land and a majority of the population, but it wasn’t just lives that were lost. Many of the systems and constructs of society were wiped out as well. The first few years after the accident was an extremely hard time for anyone trying to live, let alone rebuild anything from the old world. There can be no argument that one of the most important organizations to emerge in those early years was the Office of Travel Brochures and Manuals (OTBM). Founded by Ron Kapili sometime in 2052, the office served as an invaluable resource to those trying to repair the damage that had been done and remains an important asset for islanders seeking knowledge today.

Ron spent most of his life tinkering and collecting instructional manuals. Most of his toys had been taken apart and put back together at least once. He built his first bike himself from parts he had printed at Ano Lee’s maker commune in Lahaina. Unlike most mothers in her situation, Ron’s mom encouraged the young boy, and would provide him with countless how-to magazines and owner manuals to the home appliances he seemed fascinated with. Partially working vacuum cleaners, tripped circuits, and the distinct smell of electrical fires was common around the Kapili home.

While he was a wizard with tools and anything electronic, the structure of school was too restrictive for Ron. Failing almost all of his classes, it was no surprise to anyone when he dropped out, and began working at his mother’s thrift shop. If it weren’t for the great accident he might have spent his entire life fixing TVs, and the hand-held games that were sold in the store. Sometimes extraordinary talents are exposed through extraordinary circumstances, and such was the case with Ron.

While many around him sat stunned or scrounged for food in those first few days, Ron got to work. Within days he had fixed the store’s solar panel with his trusty folder of user manuals. By the end of the week, he had a generator working again too. At the end of the month, survivors in the teenager’s neighborhood all had light to sustain them through the uncertainty of the long nights. The boy collected a number of new owner manuals too and began work on the repairable items they belonged to. When he found a travel brochure about tours offered at a nearby aquifer facility his story took another big turn.

Water was at a premium, and up until this point most people had been relying on streams, and the few working wells scattered around the island. While looking at the brochure, Ron recognized the make and model of the water pumps used at the facility from some manuals he had collected. After packing his tool bag, arranging the proper manuals in his binder, and recruiting some help, he set off to the water plant to see what could be done.

To the delight of many, the group scavenged what parts they needed and had 2 pumps working by the end of the day. Word of clean water and the boy with the manuals spread quickly. Survivors from all over were soon seeking out Ron with hopes that he could fix their items, and brochures offering suggestions of places to go next. It became quickly apparent that there was too much work for the young man and his crew. It was then that someone suggested that they set up a place where others could get the information needed to make various repairs, and go about rebuilding places of interest. The Office of Travel Brochures and Manuals was established soon after.

Today the office is a valuable resource to anyone wanting to explore a new area, repair items, or build something from scratch. Physical copies of how-to books, user manuals, or brochures are still available for purchase, but most customers choose to have them uploaded to their Ceremplants. The office will still purchase any pamphlets, flyers, and user guides that are brought in, but prices vary greatly based upon the item’s rareness. For a nominal fee, visitors can get a history lesson by viewing Ron’s original collection in the “Drawers of Knowledge” exhibit that some have called “the most important stack of dog-eared documents to ever be crammed into a file cabinet.”

If you are trying to repair an item, learn a recipe, discover a new area, or just unload a stack of booklets, the Office of Travel Brochures and Manuals should be your first stop.

Bruddah Lee

Kanaka Historian

STORYLINE

The “Tappers” and what to do if you meet them

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Lots of groups had a hand in rebuilding Lahaina and turning parts of it into the paradise it is today after the Veils fractured. Not many of those groups survived. The “Tappers” not only survived the accident and the years of chaos immediately after, but they are still going strong. Woe be to anyone with bad intentions on the island when a fog springs out of nowhere and their tapping begins.

The Tappers were formed from an unlikely alliance of highschool kids on the big day itself. Legend says that it was a clerical error that brought them together. Even though the two events weren’t expected to bring in large crowds, the scheduling of the regional science fair on the same day as the all-island tap and dance competition was a mistake. We can all be thankful that sometimes mistakes happen.

Rachel Driscol was easily the smartest student in Lahaina, maybe in all of Hawaii. Driscol’s passion was acoustics. Her successful projects won her many awards and assured her acceptance to the college of her choice. Her mistakes were painful for anyone in earshot. Luckily for Rachel and her neighbors, she rarely made mistakes. Everyone knew that she’d get a PhD in 5 years and get a job in one of Veilcorp’s advanced divisions like her mom. She had brought her greatest invention yet to the fair that day, a wearable echolocation system.

Kaholo Mae on the other hand hated school. He maintained grades just good enough to keep him eligible for his true passion, the school’s dance troupe. Anyone who had the pleasure of watching Kaholo take a rhythm or beat inside of himself and express it perfectly through his movement and grace was lucky indeed. He loved tap above all else. His Bandy Twist was amazing. His Chug, divine. Everyone, including Mae, knew that he was not long for the island. He would soon be showing off his skills on the mainland. Winning this competition was just the next step in what was going to be a fabulous career on stage. Fate can be cruel but it can also be kind. Many of the kids there that day owed their survival to the fact that the pair were in the same hallway together when the accident happened.

Rachel didn’t know how bad it was going to be, but she knew immediately that the rumblings were not good. Something about the way the air became charged let her know that something terrible was about to happen. She told Kaholo and he sprang into action. Most of the students made it into the locker room when the explosions began. Nobody knows for sure what saved those huddled kids that day, but soon they weren’t just surviving, they were thriving.

The intelligence of the science fair kids was the perfect compliment to the physical endurance of the dance students. Rachel’s ingenuity and practicality the perfect pairing to Kaholo’s charisma and motivational skills. That’s not to say that luck didn’t play a part of course. It turned out that some of the chemicals used in the making of the dance kids’ outfits had amazing antimicrobial properties. Between those that didn’t make it and trunks of extra costumes for changes, there was enough clothing for everyone. The students didn’t suffer through the diseases that afflicted many during those first few years.

Despite all odds, the kids started to become a force on the island. It turned out that the survival skills you learn as a high school outcast were just as useful in some ways as those you’d learn in the military. Over the next 10 years the teenagers did what teenagers have done throughout history and soon their numbers swelled. In 20 years everyone started calling them the Tappers. The Night Walkers and anyone who threatened the group, or tried to take their gear, learned to fear them.

They are a secretive group who usually leave others alone. They rarely trade and you have to be born a Tapper, they don’t take new members from the outside. If you find yourself in Tapper territory you are safe as long you don’t take anything and you leave in a reasonably quick manner. The last place you want to be, is inside a building or in the forest with a pack full of Tapper food when their artificial fog rolls in. They have created a number of unique items and tactics over the years that you can use to identify them besides their sparkling clothing.

One of the most frequently used pieces of Tapper equipment is the [REDACTED] are all but impossible to find. These are one of the few items that they trade freely with others, although they appear to have an advanced [REDACTED] that they keep for themselves. They will often leave a food item out with one of these for a Night Marcher patrol. A few days later a group of Tappers with [REDACTED] clear the menace out and retrieve their Judas food.

The most common thing associated with the group, and the tactic for which they are named, is their specialized acoustic visualization system. Although they have never been recovered, it is theorized that the system is a smaller, more advanced version of Rachel’s science fair project. By tapping the ground with their shoes or nearby objects with a cane, a Tapper can “see” in complete darkness out to 60 feet. This ability works in thick fog or mist as well, and it is common for at least a couple Tappers in a group to carry some sort of fog making device. These machines can fill any space with a cloud of confusion in a few seconds. This ability to operate freely while others are blind make the Tappers feared adversaries. In some areas you can actually scare away a pack of bandits by just lightly knocking on a tree.

Deadly opponents and useful allies if left alone, the Tappers are one of the most important groups on the island. It’s best to mind your manners and take a “live and let live” attitude if you find yourself in Tapper territory.

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Lava Sledding Championships

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The Lahaina Merchants Association would like to invite you to the most exciting sporting event on the island, the 46th annual Lahaina Lava Sled Championships. Teams from all over the island compete each year to claim the Ikaika cup, but this year is special. Two local teams will be vying for glory and bragging rights. In two short weeks the Pu’u Blue Wolves will take on the Ka’anapali Screaming Nenes to see who is the fastest downhill.

As you all know lava sledding, or as the Kānaka say He’e hōlua, is an ancient sport well over 1,000 years old. The activity was seen as both a sport and a religious rite by early Hawaiians. With courses ranging greatly in size from a few hundred yards to miles, the practice was as popular as surfing when it was begun. Over the years it’s popularity grew and waned with cultural changes. A resurgence began in the early 2000’s and like most things, the activity was almost lost after the fracture.

Little has changed with the sport since its inception. Participants build a sled, or papa hōlua, and ride it down a prepared track. Traditionally, these sleds were 12’ long, 6 inches wide and made of wood. Riders would hold the sleds in front of them and run towards a specially prepared racing path. The tracks were composed of a foundation of gravel covered in sand or dirt with a top layer of grass or flowers. Racers would throw down the sleds at the beginning of the course, and ride them standing, crouching, or more commonly laying down, all the way to the bottom.

The modern unified rules allow sleds to be made of any material, although wood remains a popular choice. Sleds can be a bit longer as well, 14’ is now the maximum length, although a 6 inch width is still mandatory. The tracks and riding styles have remained the same through the years. Traditionally the length of a sledder’s run was measured to determine a winner, but since it’s been converted to a team sport, runs are timed. The team with the cumulative fastest 10 runs wins the day.

Like many things, we have Chief Ikaika to thank for the resurgence in popularity of the sport. After his successful campaign at Black Rock Beach, Ikaika used the traditional sport to keep ties strong between factions on the island. We think he’d be especially proud this year, as a classic match-up between power and finesse is sure to make for a memorable day.

The Pu’u Blue Wolves are back with a vengeance this year, hungry to once again display the Ikaika cup. Like their four-legged namesakes, the Blue Wolves rely on consistent speed and maneuverability to take out their opponents. Their fiberglass sled, and crouching riding style let them take curves at top speed and glide over any dips or irregularities in the course. The Blue Wolves are hungry, but the Nenes from Ka’anapali say their bark is worse than their bite.

The Screaming Nenes came out of nowhere this year to crush the competition. Highlighted by their thrashing of perennial favorites, the Luakoi Ridge Riders, the Nene’s have changed many minds about about what it takes to be a successful lava sled team. Focusing on traditional methods and materials, Ka’anapali has claimed many records and titles with their amazing run this season. They’ve managed to break the 100 km/h barrier a handful of times on their wooden sled this year. Retired sledding legend Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai says that the Nene riders are the quickest he’s ever seen adding, “They’re faster than a night marcher who stumbled into a Tapper camp.”

The Lahaina Championships are always an incredible event, but it is undeniable that this year may be one of the most exciting ever! Will raw power and speed beat finesse and skillful riding? Find out for yourself by being part of the story instead of just hearing about it the next day. A limited number of track-side seats are still available for 50 rai a piece, general admission tickets are 20. When your friends ask where you were on the day the greatest sporting event in history was held, tell them “I was 20’ away!”

STORYLINE

How Tiki Idols Helped Everyone Work Together

In the past, before my grandpa and his friends made everything safe on the hill, people would carve tiki idols to help them remember people or stories. Some of the idols were even gods. Nobody in Pu`u think the idols are gods anymore, but they still help us deal with the people down below and remember the way things used to be.

A long, long, time ago people on the islands didn’t have cameras or books so when they wanted to remember something they’d carve an idol. The idols would be a way for the people to remember all of their grandparents or explain how something happened, like how people were made. For a long time people would learn about their history or religion with the help of the idols.

Some of the idols were made of stone but most were carved out of wood. The idols could be bigger than a person sometimes, but most weren’t. Some of the idols had lots of patterns carved into them or even bright colors. Even though some of the idols were supposed to be people they didn’t look very realistic, but they would usually have something special carved into them so you could tell who or what it was supposed to be.

When people got smarter and stopped believing that birds could talk, or that people were made of dirt, they stopped praying to them. They still carved the idols because they were cool to look at but people could look at pictures of old people to remember them. They had science to answer questions about where people came from so they didn’t need the idols anymore.

When the veils broke everyone was really scared. Only smart people like my grandpa had things that worked because they were prepared. The people got together in groups to help each other and protect themselves from Night Marchers and Green Ladies. The people on the hill all worked together but the people below fought a lot and would try to steal if you didn’t watch them. The worst were the people who got sick and ugly. They would usually fight and they would always try and steal things, especially guns.

Rai stones helped all the people get along better and some of the fighting stopped but things were still bad. Everyone on the hill wished that the people below would be better and act right but they didn’t know what to do. Then someone thought about how tiki idols helped people remember rules and learn about things.

The people on the hill talked to the people down below including the ugly people about what rules would be best for everyone. They made idols that had little bits of everyone, even sharp teeth for the ones who got sick. They agreed that the idols would be a symbol of getting along. The people on the hill told the dumber people that the idols were watching everyone and would punish anybody not following the rules. After that, things were much better.

Tiki idols help us keep the people down below from being bad and help us remember how hard working together used to be. Even though we lied about the idols watching over everyone, it was a good lie like when you tell your mom that your room is clean so you can practice shooting. I’m glad that someone remembered tiki idols and that all the people down below believe in them.

Akamai Mahelona
Pu`u School Lahaina

4th Grade

STORYLINE

My Work Environment Has Become Untenable

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Dear Main Office,

I was touring the Vereserum facility in Lahaina when the catastrophe hit. Fresh out of college and looking for an internship, Vereserum was my first choice. I could hardly contain my excitement when I left for my interview. The future seemed wide open, little did I know that fortune and fate would choose my life path for me.

I’m proud of the way we all acted that day. While the world crumbled around us outside, we took in the sick and dying and took care of eachother. Even though most of us would never talk to our loved ones again we pulled together and made a plan for the future. The personal sacrifice and vision for the coming days was inspiring. I can’t speak highly enough of the work we’ve done over the subsequent 30 years. Even when I didn’t personally approve of every step, I understood the purpose of our work, but 30 years is a long time and things have changed. This past year has been a nightmare!

The problems started when people started showing up late. The idea of normal work hours flew out the window. My co-workers seemed to have little regard to schedules and some even had the audacity to take vacation days that they clearly didn’t have. Soon, even the dress code was ignored, with shorts becoming the norm instead of an end-of-the-week privilege. The unprofessional floodgates opened. Overnight I found myself in a hostile work environment. It has become so bad that I’ve lost track of the number of lewd or profane comments I’ve heard.

A group has appropriated lab equipment to build a number of stills and are producing a staggering amount of alcohol. Worse still, one of the group is the lab manager. They’ve knocked out the walls between labs A and B to create the most disgusting bar you can imagine. My protests have fallen on deaf ears and I fear that very little lab work is being done. The prurient grunts and muffled screams that come from the makeshift lounge on a daily basis lead me to believe that we are in dire need of more training videos about appropriate work conduct.

In addition, we have lost all focus on our most important project. As you know, we have been testing individuals who have been physically changed by the radiation after the accident. It was our hope that with the correct medication or medical interventions, we could use these individuals natural resistances to our advantage. Having a repair crew that could withstand poison gas leaks or 127 exposure was our goal. As our reports show, we’ve had good success. Unfortunately even that accomplishment is being squandered.

Fueled with the lab liquor, the staff has been pitting the two groups we’ve created against one another in contests and betting on the results. The amount of equipment that has been dismantled by these groups while being timed by staff is staggering. I clearly voiced my displeasure with these contests but again, was met with nothing but mockery and derision. This morning when I walked down to my office I discovered that my co-workers thought it would be funny to let a test group loose while I was asleep.

Almost all my equipment was dismantled, my experiments were ruined, and my desk was in 5 pieces. In addition, one of the test subjects had relieved himself in my trash can. This was the final insult! They seem to be under the impression that normal work attire and behavior are no longer the norm just because we haven’t heard from the main office in the past year. Right now they are all in the bar having a “Grievance” party after I informed them that I felt it necessary to officially report their actions. I still believe in our work and in the Vereserum code of conduct, but I refuse to believe in my co-workers. Please advise.

Trent Rowder
Lead Researcher
Vereserum Labs

STORYLINE

Keeping Tanager Lane a Spectacular Place

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Hello fellow homeowners. The past 6 months have been a trying time for all of us. With all of my daily duties as president of the HOA you can imagine how hard it’s been for me in particular. I think we can all agree that my leadership has been one of the few bright spots in these dark days. Most of you have done an adequate job of keeping up your standards, and celebrating the Tanager Lane way of life. Unfortunately, there are a few items that need some improvement, and a couple of individuals that need to start doing a better job at modeling acceptable behavior to their children. Remember, they’re like little sponges. If they get exposed to the mess created by people not fulfilling their obligations, they’ll just soak it all up. Nobody should want that.

Let’s start out by addressing a few issues that everyone can work on. I instituted the mandatory hibiscus program for a reason, not because I just felt like it one day, and not on a whim. The hibiscus flower is one of the most recognized blossoms and a symbol of the island to many. We want visitors to the neighborhood to see the flowers, and imagine peace and a carefree way of life. That’s why I made it mandatory! You’ve entrusted me, and my vision to lead this association so I’m having a hard time figuring out why some of you have not properly pruned your plants.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the world has become a drastically different place. I think that’s all the more reason to hold onto our high standards and strive to live up to them. Without standards and specifications, we are no better than the creatures running around out there. That brings me to the next item on my list, cleaning up after combat.

Evidently, the world is full of horrors now. I looked into it as best as I could, but nobody seems to have any kind of answer that makes sense to me. What I do understand, is that from time to time some of us will have to defend our lives until this whole mess gets sorted out. I understand that defense will sometimes involve weapons and the mess associated with shooting a creature who is trying to eat your children in the driveway. What I don’t understand, Shelby, is why there would still be blood marks on your patio days after saving your kid’s lives. You did it. The hard part is over. Is it really too much to ask to take a few minutes and scrub away the stains?

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only one who is serious about living up to the criteria clearly laid out in the agreements we all signed. Unless I’m mistaken, you elected me as president, many times I might add, because you knew I wouldn’t take a day off or let expectations slip. Just because the world has descended into chaos doesn’t mean we have to as well.

I’m told that family can be very helpful in dealing with stress, and many of us consider our pets to be part of the family. I personally love to watch my cats chase little things through the shrubs, and toy with them. It makes me feel so happy to see them embrace their nature. Like many of you, one of my cats has begun to glow quite brightly at night. Because I’m responsible and believe strongly in respecting the association’s lighting rules, I now keep Elvira inside. Imagine my surprise when many of you did not follow my example. I assumed you would get the hint when I began to pin blankets around your unattended glowing pets, but I was wrong. Consider this a written warning about keeping your bright and bushy-tailed loved ones inside at night. Some of you should also watch what you say in front of them.

Lastly, we have had quite a lot of trouble with unruly kids. They’re running across lawns, making noise during quiet hours, and attracting quite a bit of attention from the things lurking in the woods. I’m sympathetic that school has been canceled for quite some time now, but I encourage you to keep better track of them and ensure that they start to follow the rules. I know a number of you have lost a spouse and find it difficult to manage your day-to-day lives, let alone a rowdy child. If that is the case may I suggest that you consider letting someone else take your children until you’re able to be a responsible parent again? It’s not fair to your children and our home values to allow gangs of them to run amok. Please don’t take this as some sort of invitation from me to take on your obligations. Believe me, I have enough on my plate making sure everyone lives up to Tanager Lane expectations.

We’ve made it a long time now thanks to my focus and the rules we’ve all agreed on. If we want to keep Tanager Lane beautiful we need to do better. I’m doing my part and trying really hard to help you do yours.

STORYLINE

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Lahaina Ancestor Exhibit Misses the Mark

For weeks I’d been hearing about how wonderful the ancestors exhibit was at the museum so I decided to finally check it out for myself. I moved to Lahaina over 4 years ago and have completely embraced the way of life and culture. I’ve never lived someplace that felt so perfect before. I couldn’t wait to see the artifacts and learn more about my adopted people. To put it bluntly, what I found inside was horrifying. Instead of uplifting a proud and ecologically responsible culture, I was exposed to a hit job of the grossest kind.

First, let me address the elephant in the room. Let’s talk about the shark teeth. They are tied, wedged, and jammed into a majority of the “artifacts”. Did I mention that most of the artifacts are really weapons? There are shark teeth clubs, daggers, and things that I don’t even know what they are. I was surprised that the gratuitous amount of teeth didn’t spill over into other parts of the museum. I fully expected to find shark-toothed pens or bookmarks in the gift shop.

I’m not saying that these items might not have been occasionally used in the past, just that this dental damnation of the Hawaiian people was offensive. I’m not sure why we as a community would support this sort of thing.

I had heard that tiki idols were used at one time to revere ancestors but that was before pens and paper. It’s hardly the Hawaiian people’s fault that they used these grotesques at one point before they had the technology to write down, “Grandpa Joe is a really great guy!”

Hula skirts were nowhere to be seen except the gift shop. Are we really to believe that the early explorers brought dance and clothing to Hawaii? The same held true for leis. I guess the islanders couldn’t string a bunch of flowers together either until the big boats showed up.

After a few minutes of looking around at this Polynesian minstrel show, my hands began to shake with anger and I had to leave. I thought about what I’d seen all day and decided that I should warn everyone thinking of going to the exhibit and to help the “experts” at the museum with their next “celebration of Hawaiian culture and history.” Here it goes.

Real Hawaiians don’t drink out of hollowed-out pineapples and coconuts. Pineapples aren’t even indigenous to the islands. We enjoy our adult beverages in glasses with LED lighting like everyone else. We don’t put on flip-flops and walk down to the beach to play our ukuleles. We wear rubbah slippers and listen to the house band at the resort. I’d never wear a shirt that combined flowers with cars or animals. True Hawaiian shirts have flowers, various plants, and maybe surfboards. That’s it. Anything else is cultural appropriation. Our free time is not spent watching the spam sculpture competition at the fair. We eat musubi and spicy spam sushi rolls.

The Hawaii I’ve come to know and love is about beautiful beaches, the bounty of nature, and buffets. When we have a problem we go down to the local beach bar, watch the surfers, and talk it out over chi-chi’s. We don’t rip open bellies with the tooth-encrusted handguards on our bone punch-daggers when we have a disagreement. I’m no historian but I think we as a people, and certainly our children, deserve better than what is on display now. Let’s forget the past and work together to frame a better narrative moving forward.

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Unprecedented start to hurricane season has many worried

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2047 is turning out to be the worst hurricane season in recorded history, and that has many Maui residents concerned and looking for answers. Less than two months into the season and the island has already weathered 2 tropical storms and a full fledged hurricane. The extraordinary string of bad weather has many worried that Veilcorp activity is to blame, while other islanders have slightly more spiritual concerns about the storms.

Tropical storm Iopa hit the islands hard on May 7th this year, a full month before hurricane season officially begins, but that was just the beginning. Hurricane Kika followed soon after with tropical storm Lana cresting land a few weeks ago. While the storms caused relatively little damage to populated areas, the frequency of activity this year has many worried. Now, with tropical depression Maka looming and Neki following and gaining strength quickly, residents are looking for answers and some relief.

The last time a category 4 hurricane hit Hawaii was back in 1992. On September 11 hurricane Iniki passed directly over the island of Kauai. By the time it had passed, the storm had killed 6, destroyed 1,400 homes and caused more than $1 billion in damage. None of the storms this year have matched that intensity so far, but meteorologists say that Neki is following a similar path and is growing rapidly.

Many believe that an infamous Veilcorp program is to blame for the increase is storms. Since it started solar production of 127 (unbiseptium) in 2046, the Icarus project has been a lightning rod for Veilcorp opponents. Many claim that the change in weather patterns can be directly tied to the notorious project.

Critics say that worldwide exposure to 127 has increased drastically since the project began and that it is too soon for any study to make a definitive finding one way or the other about its safety. They point to a marked increase in major storms and changing weather patterns worldwide since Icarus began as proof that the issue needs more attention. Locally, many are concerned that the increase in 127 is having an impact on native flora and fauna. Calls for an investigation by the Department of Land and Natural Resources have gone unanswered so far, but activists remain vocal.

The corporation says that concerns are unfounded and that there is no proof that the project has any effect on the weather, sea, or animals. They point out that Veil technology has relied on 127 since its inception over 20-years-ago, and that there is no evidence of any long-lasting negative effects.

Still others on the island worry that Veilcorp activity has caused a cosmic crisis and that the unusual weather patterns are a symptom of a spiritual sickness. One such believer is Sebastian Malu. A Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center in Lahaina and the founder of the Eternal Cycle Church, Malu says that Veilcorp should have consulted an astrologer before beginning the Icarus project.

He says,

“It’s insane to me that nobody at Veilcorp realized that harvesting energy from the center of our solar system in a year in which Mercury was occulated by the sun and Saturn was experiencing its summer solstice was a bad idea. Add to that the fact that there were 2 partial lunar eclipses in 2046, followed by 2 total eclipses this year and it’s a recipe for disaster. Just look at how bad the storms have been so far and we’re just getting started. The hurricane season lasts another 4 months. I know it’s popular to dismiss the wisdom of the ancients but they were given a blueprint for life and had a rich understanding of the great cycles that we have all but lost. The Melchizedek pattern and the Great Wesak cycle came together in April and May last year. It should have been a time of discernment and higher vibrations, instead Veilcorp ramped up their parasitic activity and muddied the cosmic water for all of us. I’ve been warning all my students and parishioners that our mother and the universe will have to make adjustments in order to return to balance. I believe the storms we’ve seen so far are part of that process. It’s not a coincidence that Neki is on its way just in time for the lunar eclipse on July 7th. It’s going to take a powerful storm to wash away the stain Veilcorp has left, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s coming.”

Whether it’s just an unusual natural cycle, a product of Veilcorp experiments, or a cosmic cry for help, the storm season this year is already one for the record books. Many residents are already preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Officials are tracking the storms closely and say they could reach land in a matter of days.