STORYLINE

The Menehune Domestication Program is a Misguided Failure

At the request of program specialist Gary, and against my better judgment, I have been hard at work assessing the feasibility of a menehune domestication program for the Lahaina Merchants Association. Despite what the notes he discovered in the Vereserum labs have suggested, we have found the creatures extremely difficult to work with and handle. As everyone but Gary might expect, our experience so far shows that they can become violent and prone to destroy their surroundings when frustrated or upset. In addition to ignoring common sense, we believe the following are the biggest hurdles we’ll have to overcome if we want to continue Gary’s monster-helper program.

Branding: When most people hear the word menehune they don’t think, “useful furry companion for House maintenance or domestic chores,” they think about being eaten alive by the hairy little creatures. (I just want to make sure that you are aware that this has actually happened in a few cases involving the injured, and the elderly. Gary says that we just need to include a warning, but I remain unconvinced that selling an octogenarian a creature that has an equal chance of eating them and helping them fold clothes, is a good business model.) As you can imagine, this makes giving a name to this disaster waiting to happen a challenge. To be honest, all of his suggestions so far are terrible. None of the proposed names have done well in the focus groups. Claw Care, Monster Maid, and Beasts of Burden round out the bottom of the list, with Helperhune receiving the warmest approval, so that’s what we’re going with.

Appearance: The dirty hair, tiny black eyes, claws, and fangs of the Helperhune may serve them well in the wild, but they don’t help us. Couple their terrifying appearance with their proclivity to scent mark their favorite: foods, tools, places, people, and almost anything around, and you have a big problem. Many participants in the pilot program complained about being woken during the middle of the night by a face full of helper spray. Gary has offered the opinion that this may actually be a blessing in disguise, because we could sell packages offering face masks for those worried about choking on a mouthful of helper musk. He says we could round their ears, blunt their teeth, widen the eyes, and make their fur softer with the help of a series of Newuskin rejuvenations. However, the cost would be prohibitive to the program. I’m beginning to think that Gary is more interested in working through some sort of menehune fixation than managing a successful program.

The Screaming: It would be easy to think that being covered in their musk would be the worst part of having a Helperhune service creature, but you’d be wrong. The worst is the screaming. When a helper is upset it lets out a piercing shriek that can only be described as a horrifically jarring assault on the ears. They scream when they are overly excited. They scream when they are introduced to a new person or area. They scream when they see one of their kind. They scream when they notice something moving, or are tired. They scream, and scream, and scream. On average, a Helperhune screams hours a day. Worse than the constant and intense headaches, is the program specialist’s belief that owners will just “get used to it,” after a few days. I’ve pointed out that this might be a danger to people living in remote locations because it would attract predators and other dangerous denizens of the forest. Unsurprisingly to anyone who has ever had to work through the shrill cacophony of two dozen menehune alarm calls, my concerns have fallen on deaf ears. I’ll be surprised if Gary and I get through this without some sort of permanent hearing loss.

Supply and Socialization: To pile on the problems, we’ve found it impossible to train a Helperhune who has reached adulthood without consistent human interaction and handling. Since they are so terrible to be around, this is a problem. The very young have issues as well, as they are notoriously difficult to bottle feed, and are surprisingly destructive when teething. A Helperhune breaking in its baby fangs is an agent of destruction. The young have been known to chew through virtually anything when teething. Without a constant supply of sturdy chewing rocks, and Gary’s stereo, the young may have chewed through the door to the nursery; and I would have been forced to listen to his terrible music for a few more hours. I swear I’d rather listen to days of menehune screams than another minute of his 1980’s hair metal.

There is a brief window in young adulthood (8-10 months old), that menehune seem to be the least offensive, and the most easily trained. Unfortunately, the long and complex courtship rituals of the menehune make running a breeding program impractical and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone except Gary. When we have captured a wild menehune at this age, we found it was important to bond early with it, but not too strongly. In some cases they can become overly attached to their owners, leading to aggressiveness and increased screaming in males, and excessive grooming and hoarding behavior in females.

Summary: With all these issues one might ask, “Why would you try to train screaming, spraying, biting, provably dangerous creatures to perform basic maintenance tasks, or clean your house?” I’ve been asking Gary the same thing for weeks without a good answer. With proper diligent training and constant oversight, a Helperhune is a viscous, disgusting creature who may do what you ask, spray you with secretions, scream for a full hour in the middle of the night, or try to eat you depending on which way the wind blows. I suggest that someone else in the organization starts asking these questions too. I don’t actually look forward to hearing Gary’s answers, as I suspect he’s got some kind of weird kink that he wants to explore with the Menehune. Why else would have bought the ridiculously small maid costumes? I’m never working on a project like this again. You know what? I’m going to just go ahead and eliminate Gary now. He won’t be missed. What a jerk.

STORYLINE

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.

STORYLINE

Hit VNN Crime Show Under Fire From Privacy Groups and Mayor’s Office

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The hugely popular VNN show, “Crime Time Lahaina” has come under fire from privacy advocates, and law enforcement this week, putting the future of the newly created program in jeopardy. Mayor Cravalho says there are serious concerns about the legality of some segments, and the program sends the wrong message to tourists. Privacy groups say that the information shared in an episode is often misleading or false, and that the show is potentially dangerous. VNN says Crime Time simply uses publicly available information, and serves as an important tool for tourists and residents alike who want a safer Lahaina.

Despite only being on the air for a little over a month, Crime Time Lahaina has become one of the fledgling network’s biggest hits. Every morning viewers tune into the program to see the previous day’s mugshots, incident reports, and even a list of tickets written. Areas of “rising crime” are featured, and the program’s drone cameras take a tour over Lahaina, highlighting homes and apartments where convicted criminals live. Viewers watching the live feed can request coverage over specific areas, or even individual people, who they’ve witnessed committing a crime.

Host and creator Gary Puniwale says Crime Time is the natural progression of neighborhood watch programs, John Cam shows, and the old fashioned police blotter. He says the show offers Lahaina residents a better look at who their neighbors are, and tourists a chance to keep themselves safe. “Crime Time Lahaina, simply lets people know who the criminals are, and what areas of town they need to be careful in. We’re talking about the ultimate in awareness and citizen policing. We hold nothing back from the public. I’m sorry if that is ruffling feathers at the police department or hurting tourism, but I’m more concerned about the safety of my neighbors, than the shops on Front Street having a better summer this year than last.”

Critics however point out that the majority of the “crimes” highlighted in the show involve minor things such as jaywalking, or failing to come to a complete stop at an intersection. In addition, the cameras often appear to follow people for nothing other than voyeuristic reasons. A Lahaina Police Department Spokesperson says they have received numerous complaints from tourists who say the cameras have followed them for hours, hovered outside hotel windows, and harassed them while inside public changing areas along the beach. Privacy advocates point out that arrest reports are routinely amended after they are aired on the program, without the corrections being made public. In addition, they claim that the information shared on Crime Time is often misleading or incomplete. Recently the program listed a prominent Tanager Lane resident as an active felon, although his record, for a crime committed as a teenager, was supposed to be expunged years ago.

“It’s just out of control,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. “It’s no surprise to me or law enforcement that the show has become what it is. Gary himself is a felon with a long history of interfering with law enforcement, incompetence, and making false reports. I can’t begin to understand the logic in giving someone like him a show of this nature. It’s like asking a mongoose to watch your henhouse. The drones are constantly shooting footage through widows, as well as harassing tourists and sunbathers. This show isn’t about protecting people, or making Lahaina safer. It sure isn’t about spreading love, or embracing the aloha spirit either. It’s about sensationalism, harassment, and the creepy thinking of Gary Puniwale. The only bright spot in this whole situation is Gary’s incompetence. Even with the show’s popularity, I’m sure we’ll be able to take the cameras out of his hands, and out of Lahaina’s windows soon.”

Puniwale says that he doesn’t try to hide his past from viewers, but would rather focus on serious issues: like people failing to yield to oncoming traffic, or putting the island’s natural beauty in danger by littering, rather than his history with law enforcement.

“This is all about transparency. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I ran into some trouble in my past trying to protect my friends and family. Maybe submitting over a thousand tips in a month was overzealous, and maybe I should have recognized the noises from my neighbor’s birthday party as laughter, instead of a home invasion and homicide in progress, but better safe than sorry. Those experiences did put me in a unique position to know the criminal mind better than most. For 90 days, I was forced to coexist in close quarters with criminals, and it gave me a special insight that I now share with my viewers. The mayor wants to throw stones and that’s fine. He should just know that throwing stones at someone is a crime in Lahaina, and I plan on reporting it daily starting at 8 a.m.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Facing a Whaler Shortage

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The Lahaina City Council says they are facing an emergency whaler shortage, and have voted to offer potential applicants a generous compensation package should they be willing to fill the role. Dozens of historical reenactors where hired in late 2047 as part of a Whaler Village revitalization project. While the program has been a hit with the tourists, the inclusion of whalers has always been a point of contention with some. Now, after a series of high profile incidents involving radical environmentalists, Lahaina has found themselves without anyone willing to play the part.

From the very beginning some have complained about the inclusion of the whalers, arguing that the city shouldn’t be “romanticizing” the industry’s history in Maui. However, backers of the program say that long before Veilcorp built their facilities, or visitors came for the beaches and sun, the whaling industry built what we now call Lahaina. While there were a handful of boycotts and protests, the whalers became a fixture in the village. That all began to change early this year with a number of troubling incidents.

One ex-whaler who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Things got really bad around the first of the year when the humpbacks started coming back to breed. Many of us had our car windows smashed out and tires slashed. We started getting hate mail and threats. Our personal information was released. You never knew what was going to happen next, but when they grabbed Gary and took him out in the harbor it was the last straw. I’m just trying to put myself through college, and hone my craft, not drown because I’m pretending to be some guy who did a job that people hate. I don’t think there’s anything that could convince me to grab my harpoon, and come back.”

Though the radical environmentalist group Gaia Guard has taken credit for the kidnapping of Gary Puniwale, police say they are still investigating the matter. A statement released by Gaia Guard after the incident reads in part: “…The fact that we, in our hubris, hunted these aquatic entities almost to the brink of extinction should be a shame burned in our collective psyche, not something we celebrate in a capitalist sanctuary. These creatures have unique dialects, thoughts, customs, and a society that is in tune with its natural surroundings, in stark contrast with how our society of excessive waste, and consumerism strangles the Earth.”

The village has been without whalers since the incident. However, Councilman Bob Abramo hopes that his newly approved measure will be enough to lure a fresh group of reenactors to Lahaina. With a starting salary of $85,000, and an impressive benefits package, applications from around the world have been pouring in. “I’m sure we’ll see some new whalers in a few weeks,” says Abramo. When asked about security, Abramo says, “I doubt those plant eaters have the stamina to pull off another kidnapping.”

“Like most people, I hate historical reenactors. I mean who cares about who did what to who a long time ago. But whalers are different. I can’t imagine how exhilarating it must have been to chase down one of these living mountains of meat. Did you know that a typical humpback contains 12 tons of usable protein? That’s almost 15 tons of burger once you add fat to the blend. Renewable food resources has become all the rage, with people talking about eating things like slimy algae. Instead of focusing on making a sandwich out of that microscopic sludge, I think it’s time we think big, like whale big. We need to learn something from our forefathers. Whales can’t be farmed, so they’re always free range. Blubber is one of the most calorie rich foods on the planet, and potentially very versatile for those with an open mind. That’s not to mention the inner organs. Can you imagine the size of the haggis you could make? Who knows what other new culinary uses, adventurous future generations could come up with.

It’s popular to talk about how smart whales are, how they navigate the oceans, and how they sing, but a bunch of clicks and whistles doesn’t convince me of anything. My dad’s old car traveled a lot of miles too, and made all sorts of weird noises at the end, but nobody tried to save it when he sold it to the junkyard. Just like that old car, I think it’s time to scrap our thoughts about whales, and start recognizing them for what they are. Swimming meat lockers filled with almost unlimited sausage, stew, and cutlet potential.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Inventor Unveils Poi “Tasting” Technology

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There is no food more synonymous with Hawaii and Hawaiian culture than poi. The smashed taro and water mixture is a staple at any Luau and your tutu’s table, but there’s no doubt that the mixture is an acquired taste. Now, Lahaina inventor Ano Lee thinks he has come up with a way to convince you to eat your poi. He’s on a mission to ensure that every batch you eat is perfect and he’s invented the machine he says can do just that.

Besides being one of the most common foods on any Hawaiian table, poi is also one of the island’s most dubious offerings. While being one of the best probiotic foods available to consumers, the taste and texture can be hard for the uninitiated to appreciate. That is where Lee comes in.

Ano says that he has always been a fan of poi and believes that most people who aren’t just had a bad batch. Inspired by recent research in meat tasting technology at the University of Maui Lahaina College, Lee has created a device that can “taste” a batch of poi and gives it a rating.

“Good poi is about taste and texture. I’m no expert at making it, I have partners for that part of the process, but I know what’s good and I’ve transferred that knowledge to my technology. The machine, tastefully highlighted with a premium lighting package, measures salinity, pH, mineral content as well as a smoothness score. Users can compare these values against an ideal to ensure that they’ve used quality taro, cooked it properly, and processed it enough. There are 3 different preloaded music settings with room for all your tunes so you can enjoy your quality control testing. It can even detect many common poisons and radioactivity levels if you’re making poi near any type of industrial accident. As one of its oldest dishes, poi will continue to revolutionize the Hawaiian table.”

Roy Ananas, Lee’s partner in the poi business, says that he knows that a poi tasting machine sounds like a strange idea but he is confident in the technology. He points out the success the pair has had with revitalizing the pineapple business in Hawaii. Lee’s automated drones have made Ananas Farms a leader in Hawaiian agriculture and he believes they can add the world’s best poi to their product line with Lee’s new machine.

“I know he can come on a little strong but his machine is the real deal. I truly believe that the poi we’ve perfected with the help of this technology is some of the best ever pounded with a pestle and triple cooked. The results of our taste tests have been amazing. With people saying things like, “Surprisingly edible and not very sticky,” “The first batch of poi I’ve ever had that wasn’t tasteless purple mud,” and “Not too bad,” it’s clear that we’re on to something big and moderately delicious. I expect our poi business will be booming in a few months thanks to Ano’s creation.”

While that’s good news for taro farmers not everyone is excited about the prospect of a poi tasting machine. Professional poi taster Gary Puniwale says Lee’s technology may be the final straw that breaks the back of one of Hawaii’s oldest professions and small-batch poi artisans.

“I come from a long line of poi tasters. My family is built on a foundation of watery taro and keen taste buds, but I’m glad my grandfather isn’t around to see this day. The market for poi tasters has already dwindled to the point where I only do it part-time, and this technological nightmare may be the thing that pushes my profession over the edge. They recently discovered a 600-year-old batch of poi right here in Lahaina, proving how important this product is to the spirit of the land and the Hawaiian people. I had hoped that the public interest would be the shot in the arm the profession needed. I fear now that it was a shot in the heart. When I think back to all the great jobs that we’ve lost due to “progress” like grocery bagger, projectionist, and human telemarketer it makes me sad. To think that poi tester may soon join them terrifies me. It’s been scientifically proven that the human tongue can identify thousands of variations of bland, but Lee’s device only rates poi on a five-star scale. You tell me which system sounds more advanced.”

STORYLINE

Worldwide SSHAM Shortage Causes Panic In Lahaina

SSHAM fans across the globe are scrambling to stock up on the popular processed meat product as a strike threatens to cut a quarter of the world’s supply of salty shrimp goodness in a can. Workers at the company’s flagship processing plant in Lahaina are embroiled in a dispute over automation that will displace 30% of the workforce. Production at the facility accounts for a whopping quarter of the canned meat’s production, and virtually all SSHAM in Hawaii, pumping out 75,000 cans a day.

The company claims that the upgrades to the factory are necessary to keep the business viable in the increasingly cutthroat world of canned meat production. CEO Art Pua’a says the overhaul is long overdue. “SHAWN, the company AI, already handles virtually all of our quality controls and customer interactions. We’re just making the improvements to the factory floor to put production in line with that part of the business. We have programs to help our employees who will be displaced and hope to come to an agreement with workers soon. I think we can all agree that none of us want Hawaiian kitchens to go SSHAM free.”

While the company and workers discuss the details, the island has gone into a full-fledged SSHAM panic. The price of SSHAM has skyrocketed as store shelves have been emptied of all varieties. A can of SSHAM that sells for an average of $4 can be found online for over $100. Rumors of international buyers purchasing huge lots of SSHAM flow like water across the island. In addition, a SSHAM black market has sprung up virtually overnight. The Lahaina Medical Center reports numerous cases of severe food poisoning from bathtub SSHAM and released a statement urging the public not to consume any canned meat that hasn’t been produced in an approved facility.

SSHAM panic hasn’t consumed everyone, however. Some businesses see the shortage as an opportunity. Abramo Holdings operations manager Brandi Essen says the situation has offered Big Bites stores an unusual revenue stream. While it is true that the meat themed convenience stores have suspended their SSHAM sales until the strike is over, Essen has figured out a way to still make money from the product’s popularity. “We’re letting people sit in a room with the largest SSHAM collection in Hawaii for a modest fee. I think it just makes people feel better about the whole situation,” she says.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Pua’a and the employees are just too far apart, we have yet to see peak SSHAM price. Until we do, we’re screening a special segment of our best customers and taking them to a secure refrigerated location where they can sit alone in a room with literally tons of SSHAM. It turns out that just knowing that there is still a mountain of SSHAM on the island is very therapeutic for those struggling with the thought of not having a slice in the morning or after work. We require customers to sign an NDA about the exact amount of SSHAM we have and its location, but our viewings are perfect for those caught up in the shortage panic.”

While just looking at a can may be good enough for some, many are counting on DIY solutions to make it through the impending shortage. There are plenty of recipes floating around purported to be leaked from striking workers. While officials warn the public to use safe food handling practices, numerous homemade SSHAM makers have run into trouble trying to recreate the smell, taste, and texture SSHAM is famous for. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is one such home cook who ran into trouble trying to make his own SSHAM.

“Everyone knows the story of how Art accidentally created SSHAM in his kitchen one drunken night, so I thought how hard can it be? Let me tell you something, food production is not for the faint of heart or belly. Probably the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to follow the directions precisely when trying to recreate a commercial food product. You know when you’re putting together a piece of furniture and lose a screw, you can just use a nail instead? That’s not how creating a shelf-stable canned meat works. You have to follow the instructions precisely. No substitutions.

My first mistake was using dried brine shrimp. I figured it was cheap and fine for my fish. I thought using the prepared cans would be better because it was fortified for my pets. I chose bacon next instead of ham because I thought the smoky flavor would be nice. I didn’t really measure out the binders and fillers like the recipe said, I just kind of eyeballed it. The color was a little off after blending but I thought it would change during cooking. I was wrong.

When it was done the smell was almost the same. Kind of like a mackerel stuffed with sausage and left on the dock during a hot afternoon, but it still didn’t look quite right. I cut a slice and could tell right away that something was wrong. It was very gelatinous and sticky but I thought maybe it was still a little too warm. I took a bite anyway and I didn’t think it was terrible. The next 48 hours, however, were a nightmare. It turns out fish food is not meant for human consumption. I ended up in the hospital for severe dehydration as my body tried to rid itself of even the memory of my SSHAM experiment. When I finally got back home I found my loaf had fused itself to the pan somehow and resisted even the most vigorous scraping, it was then that I fully appreciated what I had put my intestines through. I’m done with the whole DIY kitchen thing. I’ll just wait for the strike to end and leave the SSHAM to the experts.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Arrest Made As Rescue Workers Continue To Remove Leis From Wildlife

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An arrest was made today in a case that has thrown Lahaina in the national spotlight and left environmentalists shaking their heads. 43-year-old Gary Puniwale was taken into custody and charged with harassing wildlife after placing leis on hundreds of animals in West Maui including endangered sea turtles and birds. Puniwale claims that he was simply trying to win a contest and had no idea affixing the flowered necklaces could be dangerous to wildlife. Officials are calling his actions one of the most irresponsible acts they have ever seen.

It all started early on New Year’s day with reports from owners finding their pets with leis glued to their necks. Parks officials were inundated with calls about squirrels and birds sporting the traditional Hawaiian necklaces as well. Soon hundreds of photographs of lei sporting animals were uploaded to a “Living Lahaina” page, an initiative designed to highlight the natural beauty and wildlife of the West side of the island. For the next few days, hundreds of garland ladened animals were rescued including turtle hatchlings and rare birds, while officers searched for those responsible.

Now, almost two weeks after the first flowered squirrel was discovered officials have made an arrest. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is accused of gluing leis onto hundreds of animals and uploading images through at least a dozen different accounts. Puniwale says he was just trying to take the top prize in the Living Lahaina contest.

Mayor Albert Cravalho says he’s glad that an arrest was made and disappointed that a program designed to highlight Lahaina’s wild beauty caused so much harm. “I just can’t imagine what Gary was thinking,” he says.

“Living Lahaina was designed to highlight what an extraordinary place West Maui is. Not only are we the home of Veilcorp and a center of innovation and technology, but we live in the most beautiful place on Earth. Vibrant flowers and exotic birds thrive next to buildings where tomorrow’s technology is born. We’re surrounded by some of the bluest waters you’ve ever seen and our reefs are a divers paradise. When we asked the public to share their best pictures of the natural wonders that make living in Lahaina unlike any other place in the world we didn’t imagine that someone would start gluing flowers to animals.”

In addition to shutting down Lahaina’s first marketing campaign of the year, Greg Ionia, senior investigator for the DLNR, says Puniwale’s actions may have lasting effects on some critically endangered animals.

“This is hands down the most irresponsible thing I have ever seen in my 15 years with the agency. There are less than 200 crested honeycreepers left in the wild and Mr. Puniwale glued leis to 3 of them. We haven’t been able to definitively tie him to all the accounts posting pictures of these poor animals, but of the ones we have, it appears that Gary interacted with 8 different protected species. For me, the worst was the green sea turtles. We’re talking about a species that has already been pushed to the brink. Their normal breeding cycle has been altered by months because of global warming and changing ocean currents. With so much working against them, the last thing the hatchlings needed was to be overloaded with leis that weigh as much as they do as they fight for their lives through the surf. It’s heartbreaking and inexcusable.”

For his part, Puniwale says he’s sorry about any harm he may have caused but had no idea that his actions were illegal. In addition, he says that his use of multiple accounts to submit photos to the Living Lahaina webpage was to avoid any bias his name holds with city council members and not to avoid the consequences of his actions.

“I’ve had a few unfortunate mishaps over the years that made the news and put a target on my back with some city council members so I figured using different accounts was the way to go. At no time did I think that I was hurting the animals I put leis on. I mean we’ve been putting leis on people who visit the islands for decades. In retrospect, I should have known that gluing flowers to animals to win a photography contest was wrong when I saw that the honey catchers and hummingbirds weren’t strong enough to fly with them attached.

I’m willing to take full responsibility for my actions but what upsets me the most is hearing people say that what I was doing was stupid and lazy. They have obviously never tried to attach leis to hatching turtles in the dark. It’s not like the turtles mark where they’ve laid eggs. You have to run up and down a few miles of beach carrying pounds of flowers and glue sticks looking for the slightest movement in the sand. It’s not a job for the dimwitted. On top of that, you only have seconds to fight off the birds trying to eat the hatchlings and stick the flowers on them before they get in the surf. You can call that a lot of things, but lazy isn’t one of them.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Man Accused of Hijacking Boat Filled With Tourists and Harassing Whales

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A group of tourists went on a whale watching tour they’ll never forget on Sunday, when their boat was hijacked by 39-year-old Gary Puniwale. Officials say Puniwale grew tired of waiting at dock after the boat’s captain suffered a medical emergency. After untying mooring lines, Puniwale slipped into the bridge, and took the boat out of Lahaina harbor and into Auau channel. There, the Lahaina man began a bizarre 40 minute whale watching tour that ended with Gary crashing the vessel in the harbor.

According to Crystal Sea Whale Watch, Captain Phil Haurau of the Aloha 2 suffered a seizure just minutes before the expected departure time of noon on Sunday. The crew acted quickly to reassure passengers, and get the Captain safely off the boat. While they were assisting paramedics, the tour boat began pulling away from the dock, piloted by Puniwale. They were unable to get onboard before the Aloha 2 left the harbor, and called authorities who were unable to immediately find the hijacked tour boat.

Soon after, police and Lahaina Harbor patrol began receiving calls from concerned tourists reporting that something was wrong with their tour guide, who was “talking nonsense” and harassing a humpback mother and calf. Patrol vessels were able to find the Aloha 2 with the help of callers. A slow-speed chase ensued, and officials were able to bring Gary into custody after he piloted the ship across several lines, and crashed into the breakwater. Nobody was hurt in the incident, although the boat will need extensive repairs. Police say Gary has a long history with law enforcement. In August, 2041 he was arrested for abusing the short lived Tel-it police tip line, leading to a swatting incident at the Abramo Chop House.

Despite what is being reporting this morning, Gary says he was just trying to help. He points out that the tour was already over 30 mins late when he took command of the Aloha 2, and says that instead of pressing charges; Crystal Sea should give him a job. “I just couldn’t sit there and listen to all the negativity about the delay. I knew people were going to have all their plans screwed up, and maybe miss lunch reservations. So, I did what I thought was right at the time. I took the boat out,” he said in a statement.

“Like most people who live in Lahaina, I’ve been on a bunch of whale watching tours, and they’re all basically the same. You go out in Auau channel, drive around talking about whales and making jokes. To be honest, I’m not all that knowledgeable about whale biology and life cycles, but people come to see the whales and take pictures, not listen to someone yammer on about them. I think I was doing a great job getting the boat in a position where the tourists could take a picture of the calf without the mother being in the way. It was kind of rough out there, and I was having trouble staying between the baby and the mother. I was working on a way to get the calf to follow us when all of a sudden, there’s patrol boats all over, and a drone following us. All the noise and yelling was disturbing the whales so I tried to move away, but they kept following. I told them that the tour wasn’t over yet, but they kept threatening me on the radio. I could tell it was making the tourists nervous so I headed back to harbor. I hit a few things on the way in, but I didn’t think this was that big of a deal. I’m sorry that people are mad, but I was just trying to help.”

Puniwale faces multiple felony charges including up to a year in jail, and a $25,000 fine for harassing the whales. “It’s just classic Gary,” says a harbor official. “If you’re in the market for someone to screw something up or make a bad decision, Gary Puniwale is your guy. Doing the wrong thing is like his superpower.”

Although many were shaken by the incident, sisters Makala and Madison Brunnet say the tour was the highlight of their vacation. “A few people were worried about the captain being sick, but most people were complaining about having to sit at the dock. I thought the tour might be cancelled, but then we started to move, and Captain Gary came over the intercom apologizing for the delay. Gary promised the most memorable whale watching tour ever. He did not disappoint,” says Makala.

“Almost immediately, it became apparent that Captain Gary had no idea what he was talking about. He said things like: whales never stop growing, and can reach several hundred feet in length when very old, they breed in the channel because the rocky bottom is the perfect place to lay their eggs, they can hold their breath for days at a time, that sort of thing. Most people thought it was a joke until we spotted the calf. Captain Gary said he was going to try and get the baby whale to imprint on the boat like a duckling, and make it follow us around. He asked if anyone had bread that they could throw in the water to lure the calf from the mother. People didn’t know what to do. Then the police and Coast Guard show up, and Gary drove back to harbor, crashing into everything on the way in. I never felt scared or in danger really, it was all so surreal. I’d never hire Captain Gary to pilot my boat, but I’d take every tour he ran.”

STORYLINE

Tipline Shutdown After Swatting Incident, Local Man Arrested

The Lahaina Police Department have temporarily shutdown their ceremplant tipline, Tel-IT, only months after its launch. A second swatting incident, this time at the popular Abramo Chop House, has officials saying that they will take a closer look at how the system operates, and add training to better deal with false reports. Nobody was seriously injured in the episode Saturday evening. Police have arrested 35-year-old Gary Puniwale for submitting the tip leading to the incident and abusing the system, calling the local resident “criminally ignorant.”

After the vicious Veilcorp attack this Spring many had one question on their minds, “What can we do to make sure this never happens again?” In addition to tighter security around the Lahaina Veil Station, and increasing the number of emergency personnel, the police released the Tel-IT system, banking on citizen policing to help islanders feel more secure.

“Report a Crime In No Time!” was the slogan that launched Tel-IT in June. Based on the controversial PZTip reporting app, which allowed residents to use their ceremplants to report preservation zone violations, Tel-IT quickly ran into some of the same problems. In addition to being swamped by frivolous tips, and numerous complaints, the police have had to deal with a handful of more serious issues, like the swatting incident this weekend, thanks to people like Gary.

According to Bob Abramo it was a normal busy Saturday evening at the Chop House until the flash grenade went off in the dining room.

“It was the middle of the dinner rush and all of a sudden windows were breaking and flash-bangs were going off in the dining room. They wouldn’t even let my customers cover the bread before getting on the floor. I had to comp dozens of meals. They stormed the kitchen looking for hostages, but didn’t find anything but the best steak and pork on the island. Someone said that we were holding federal agents in the walk-in cooler, and working with Gaia Guard to get rid of them. It was ridiculous! It screwed up the whole service. We didn’t turn tables in time for the next sitting, and the grenades totally flattened the soufflettes. I remember wishing that I could watch whoever was responsible die in the window with all the steaks waiting to go out. I’m not surprised to find out Gary was responsible.”

Police refuse to discuss specifics in the case, but confirm that they have arrested local resident Gary Puniwale in connection with the false report. A fact checker for the Lahaina Advertiser, this is not the first time Puniwale has run into trouble with the Tel-IT system. Reports show that since its inception, the 35-year-old has sent in well over a thousand tips, and many inside the department consider Gary hopeless.

An anonymous source inside the department says that Puniwale has been contacted numerous times about his excessive use of the system, and had been warned that further abuse would lead to legal action. They say, “Unfortunately the anonymous nature of the Tel-IT service has made weeding people like Gary out a real problem. He has reported just about everything you can imagine. While most are minor infractions like littering or jaywalking, there are numerous reports of serious crimes as well. Ranging from a home invasion that turned out to be a child’s birthday party, a family game night reported as a murder in progress, allegations about illegal experiments at the SSHAM factory, and of course the hostage thing at the Chop House. He definitely needs to be stopped, but I don’t think he’s being malicious, it just seems like he believes everything he reads.”

Mr. Abramo says that he appreciates what the police are trying to do, but says the tipline is causing more harm than good currently. In addition, he has little sympathy for Puniwale, and those who would abuse the Tel-IT system.

“They tell me that Gary’s tip wasn’t ill-intentioned, and I guess I can believe that. You have to have a brain to have intentions. Have you ever read the Advertiser’s weekly Corrections and Clarifications page? Gary is their fact checker, and lets just say many facts are overlooked on a daily basis under his watch. I still have a hard time believing that anyone would follow up any tip Gary submitted. It’s insane to believe that we’d just chop someone up, and serve them without cleansing their system with a grain and fruit diet for at least a week beforehand. There’s no telling what people eat these days. On top of that, do you know how much damage adrenaline does to the flavor of meat? The idea that we could just pass off a bunch of scared, junk food eating federal agents, as one of our top of the line pork dishes is offensive to say the least! I hope that Gary gets served a heaping portion of jail time, saving his family the embarrassment he must cause on a daily basis, and the police fix their crappy system before someone gets hurt.”