STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Host “Beat The Heat” Sleepover Nights for Customers

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There’s no doubt that the unprecedented heat wave of the 40’s has caused plenty of problems across Maui. With 2046 on track to be the hottest year in recorded history, many are finding it hard to get a good night’s sleep through the sweltering heat. Chop House and Big Bites store owner Bob Abramo says he knows how uncomfortable many Lahaina residents are, and wants to help some of his most loyal customers get some much needed rest. That’s why he announced a “Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat” promotion lasting through the summer. Hundreds of lucky customers will get to spend a night in the air conditioned comfort of a Big Bites location near them, play games, enjoy free entertainment, and eat some meaty snacks, while they’re sitting cool.

Abramo says the idea came to him after listening to customers complain about the sticky nights, and the cost of air conditioning. “I had a customer offer me $20 to stand in the walk-in cooler for 15 mins,” Abramo says. “Even though it was a joke, like all humor, it had a ring of truth to it. I understand the importance of keeping meat properly cooled, and that includes my patrons. We sent out flyers to our best customers and asked them if they’d be interested in breaking out their sleeping bags, and letting us pay for the air conditioning for a night. The response was bigger than my famous long pig buffet. We had to extend the offer to all Big Bites locations to accommodate the hundreds who have signed up so far.”

Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she’s excited about the slumber parties, and that there’s plenty to do for the whole family.

“Everyone gets a complimentary overnight bag with: a pouch of jerky, your choice of either a delicious meat smoothie or a refreshing glass of Hamade, and discounts on all your favorite meat treats, including any of our 20 pickled meats, and our famous candied corned beef bites. We have pig-in-the-blanket sleeping bags for the kids, and tons of natural casing balloon animals for them to play with. There will be plenty of cool bedtime stories told in our walk-in coolers, and a free carnivore-friendly movie every night. I even hear that Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous pig, will make a number of appearances over the summer. I think it’s great that we can give back a little to our loyal customers, and I encourage everyone to RSVP before we run out of room and dates.”

While some seem interested in dealing with the unprecedented heat wave by camping out in their favorite convenience store, others are concerned that the temperature increases will continue without drastic action. While all the usual warming suspects are on the table, there is a growing concern about Veilcorp technology, the company’s use of 127, and its effect on the environment. Renewed calls for government intervention, and a ban on the controversial element have tied up government phone lines, and filled DLNR mailboxes.

Barraloha Instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center, and outspoken food sustainability activist Sebastion Malu says that there is no doubt that 127 is accelerating an already deadly warming trend. “127 is like gasoline on an already raging fire. The gasoline is bad, but the fire will still burn with, or without it.” Malu says Instead of focusing on 127 alone, people should acknowledge the root causes of climate change like animal agriculture, and the use of petrochemicals. He suggests boycotting Abramo companies, and anyone who does business with the “Maui Meat King.”

“The Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat atrocity is exactly the kind of rudimentary thinking, and understanding of natural cycles that we need to eliminate before we can move on to the next vibrational level as a species. Raising animals for consumption is murder not just for the animals, but for our planet and ourselves. Animal agriculture takes huge outlays of fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, feed, and water. It takes about 25 times more energy to produce one calorie of beef than it does to produce one calorie of corn. We need to be as mindful of the damage raising meat is doing to the planet, as the internal damage eating it can do to our bodies. We need to restore balance in our thinking and world by nourishing ourselves on nuts, nectars, sunlight, and all of the renewable natural gifts, not charred hunks of our differently designed animal partners.”

Abramo counters that he is not surprised by Malu’s call for a boycott, “The grass drinkers are always squawking about something, and Malu is the worst of them.” He adds, “Summer has always been about two things: staying cool and eating mounds of grilled meat. It’s not just healthy, and American, it’s the right thing to do. Malu and his followers say eating meat isn’t good or natural, which is ridiculous. If eating meat is so bad for you, why does it taste so good? Our bodies haven’t evolved to crave the delicious flesh of animals because it was dangerous. While Malu is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and perspiring in the sun, my customers and I will be keeping cool inside, and dabbing the meat sweats from our foreheads.”

STORYLINE

Business Enacts Hiring Freeze On People Who Have Used Veil Travel

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2046 was going to be the year that 37-year-old Sam Pilikia got his life back on track. It had been 3 years since his headline-making accident at the Lahaina veil station and his long road to recovery. The doctors had cleared him for work and with over a decade of experience as a lift operator, he was sure he’d be able to find a job in no time. His interview at a local Duracve sorting facility went fantastic and he was positive that he’d get an offer soon. When the company’s letter arrived in his inbox he was ecstatic, until he read the first paragraph. Like a growing number of businesses, Duracave had decided to put a hiring ban on anyone who had used veil technology more than twice in the previous year or worked with element 127, the fuel that makes veil travel possible.

“I was completely devastated,” says Pilikia. “I broke dozens of bones, suffered a brain injury, and had burns to over 50% of my body. The doctors weren’t even sure I’d make it, but I fought hard. I didn’t think anything could stop me, then I got this letter saying I’m unhirable for life because a barrel of 127 fell on me. It doesn’t seem fair.”

Sam is not alone. Dozens of businesses now have some sort of hiring freeze on people who frequently use veil travel, impacting thousands seeking work. A Duracave statement about their policy reads in part, “….above all Duracave represents freedom and a self-sufficient lifestyle. Unfortunately, we live in a time in which tyranny has many faces and to avoid the tyranny of higher health care premiums we’ve had to enact new hiring policies excluding those who might have vulnerabilities. As a company, we are only as strong as our weakest employees. Just as in nature, we’ve had to thin the herd to keep the company in good health and fiscally strong.”

While Pilikia and others fight against 127 hiring bans, VeilWatch founder Tim Durney says the practice is going to become more and more common until the truth about the effects of 127 is exposed. “I think we’re seeing the private sector step in and do what the government should have been doing all along,” he says.

“The truth is that 127 has a devastating effect on your health and the environment. We’ve proven that Veilcorp has known for almost a decade that this element makes permanent changes to DNA. 127 saturates living cells and there is no therapy or method for removing it. The biggest misconception right now is that you can’t live in this day and age without Veilcorp. That’s just not true. We have a program right here on Maui that teaches the public how they can avoid using products that are shipped with veil technology and how to live a clean healthy life avoiding 127 exposure. Unsafe and unregulated, veil technology is one of the greatest dangers to our world today!”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she’s disappointed that companies are buying into what she calls, “complete nonsense.” She adds, “It is almost beyond belief that some health insurers have increased rates for people who choose to travel in a modern method based on pseudoscience and superstition. My heart goes out to the people caught up in this nonsense who are simply looking for a job. 127 and veil technology have been proven safe by millions of customers transported without incident across the globe every year. Opening an umbrella indoors, walking under a ladder, and having a black cat cross your path doesn’t preclude you from reasonable health insurance rates and employment. Neither should veil travel.”

While most experts seem to be on Hunt’s side there is no denying that the growth of 127 bans shows that the general public still has some doubts about the safety of the element. Kurt Bickley of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) says his law firm takes 127 exposure seriously and has represented dozens of people adversely affected by veil technology. “If anything, Mr. Durney is underselling the dangers,” he says.

“We have already filed a class-action suit against Veilcorp on behalf of thousands of parents who have had twins or triplets because of exposure to 127, but in a lot of ways, these multiple birth parents are the lucky ones. The list of health issues caused by veil travel is long and terrifying. Some of the most common problems include severe mood swings, blackouts, spastic arm syndrome, depression, veil palsy, problems with memory and concentration, paranoia, overactive bladder, Morgellons, a burning sensation in the teeth, dropsy, frigidity, nausea, heart palpitation, pica, trench mouth, sleep apnea, night terrors, hair loss, and a sudden drop in IQ. If you or a loved one has experienced any or all of these symptoms after veil travel contact SSB&P immediately so we can begin your case and establish our right to 30% of your recovery.”

STORYLINE

The Cruise Was Lovely Until The Quarantine

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Dear Sarah,

I’m sure you and the rest of the family have been following the events over here closely. Heck, you may be more up-to-date with things than we are, this quarantine is for the birds! Your father and I are pretty much relegated to sitting in our room most of the day. Since my phone is dead, and I can’t find the charger for the life of me, I’m writing you this message to let you know that we are fine. Your father is a little sick, but nothing compared to what we’ve seen onboard over the past few days. The trip was just spectacular at first, and we were certainly happy to skip a few weeks of Michigan winter to cruise around the Hawaiian islands. Unfortunately, everything began changing the day before we pulled into Lahaina harbor.

We had left Honolulu and headed out to Maui passing by the whale breeding grounds. When they told us we’d have a good chance of seeing them on the way to Lahaina, we decided to save a little money and not go out on one of those little whale-watching boats. They were right, but I have to admit the whales didn’t look as big as I expected them too. Did you know that they aren’t fish, even though they spend all their time in the water? They’re more like really portly humans.

Anyway, the chef made one of his “signature drinks” for every table that night, to celebrate our arrival in Lahaina the following morning. Now you know that your father and I aren’t big drinkers, but the Aloha Creams were delicious! They tasted like a creamy pineapple dream. I almost finished my whole glass, and your father gulped all of his down before dessert. Everyone seemed to love them, especially our tablemates Tom and Kathy Franklin. Tom got laid off a month ago, and hasn’t been able to shake it. Kathy is worried that he lost his confidence, and he is worried about finding a new job at 60. But you know your mother, I told them that everything happens for a reason, and he just needs to believe in himself, focus on all their blessings, and not the negatives. I’m not sure about their blessings, but that night both were focusing pretty hard on the Aloha Creams. I stopped counting how many they ordered after a while, and excused myself early. I had no idea that in a few hours everything would go to pot.

We were still awake when the symptoms started, with an embarrassing pool accident. I wasn’t there, but they made an announcement that some guests had made “a mess” while swimming, and the pool was closed until it could be properly cleaned and disinfected. I was hardly done shaking my head, when a lady laying out near us nearly fell out of her deck chair because she was vomiting so hard. The rest of the evening was a blur of stomach cramps, emergency announcements, and carefully placed steps. Everyone was sick: the guests, the stewards, the captain, even the chef.

The Aloha Creams where the number one suspect right away, but we had no idea how serious things were going to get. Soon there were alarms going off all over the ship, and a few were airlifted out by the Coast Guard. Before the sun rose the ship was filled with emergency services people and many, including the Franklins, were not doing well. Tom had lost consciousness and had been one of the first taken out by helicopter. The CDC officially put the whole ship under quarantine that next afternoon.

That was almost a week ago, and all we know is what has been reported in the news. None of the crew or government people are interested in talking about details. There seems to be a lot of speculation yet, and very few facts. Some are saying that the pineapples they used in the Aloha Creams were improperly shipped and stored with 127 at a Veilcorp holding facility. I guess Ruth at the Rotary Club might be right. I still don’t care for her politics, and the necklines of her outfits, but her ideas about what the element is doing to the soil might be spot on. There was even an awful man last night on TV, saying that the outbreak was caused by chemicals leaching from the vegetarian options on the menu. He was offering a free pork buffet to the first dozen visitors who made it out of quarantine.

With so many rumors swirling around it’s hard to know what’s true about the food poisoning and what isn’t. Kathy still can’t find what hospital they took Tom to and it’s been 5 days. We’ve heard that some people have died, but nobody around here will tell us anything.

To tell you the truth we’ve been busy as all-get-out just trying to feel better ourselves.
I’ve been able to keep down food for a couple days now, and your father is turning a corner too. Hopefully, they’ll let us off this boat soon because we’re going to need to take a vacation, from this vacation. When this is all over, there better be a sincere apology and a coupon or something, or there’s going to be heck to pay! Please, keep us in your prayers.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Unveils Plan For Public “Veil Stop” Network In Lahaina

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In the past two decades veil technology has changed the face of long distance travel. Veilcorp has made the dream of near instant world transit a reality and dominates the global business and leisure travel market. Now, with a new plan for a public transportation system in Lahiana, the company appears ready to change the way we move locally as well.

A joint project between Veilcorp and the Hawaiian government, the proposed “Veil Stop” network would see the company converting already existing bus stops in Lahaina into a series of small, interconnected veil stations. The plan is backed by Mayor Albert Cravalho who released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are proud to partner with Veilcorp in this amazing project. The County of Maui has long been a leader in technological adoption and environmental awareness. We look forward to being able to provide tourists and residents alike a safe and easy way to travel across the island, while doing even more to protect our beautiful and delicate natural areas.”

Brie Howard, Veilcorp’s VP of special projects and strategic growth, says that the program will revolutionize local travel and business.

“Without getting into specifics, we’ve made great progress in the past few years reducing the amount of energy required to power our veil technology. We’ve made the process efficient enough, with the same safety features, that our Veil Stop network is now viable. Much of what we need is already included in the bus stops. With a few minor additions and a little new wiring work, we can offer a unique travel experience for visitors who don’t want the hassle of traveling on a bus.”

Even though the buses running in the Lahaina area are completely electric, Howard points out that they still have some environmental impact through maintenance, wear and tear on the road, and a reliance on rare metals for the production of batteries. The Veil Stop network on the other hand, would largely rely on existing infrastructure and the solar production of 127 by the Icarus project for power. According to Howard the system would have virtually no negative impact on the environment. “The best part is that you’ll never have to ride the bus again,” says Howard. “Nothing can ruin a vacation like having to be trapped inside a vehicle with crying babies, inebriated travelers trying to hold it together over the bumps, and lost tourists shouting for the driver to stop every 100 yards.”

Residents and business owners alike have expressed excitement over the project since it’s announcement. One of the most enthusiastic has been Ralph Umeke, the owner and operator of the Lahaina favorite, Hula Noodle. Umeke says the network would be a boon to tourists and residents alike. “The buses run pretty late but there are always people who don’t make the last run for the evening. Usually, it’s people who’ve been enjoying themselves a little bit more than they should. That leaves them few options. Some choose to call Hailoha for a ride, but they are often belligerent. I know quite a few drivers who won’t pick up in certain areas at night, because they don’t want to deal with the hassle or spend hours cleaning up their back seats. Others try to walk back to their hotels but that can be dangerous and they often get lost. The worst are the people who get one of the public Manimal ATVs and somehow work around the breathalyzer interlocks. Anything that can keep those 4-wheeled menaces off the roads and lawns of Lahaina is a long-time coming if you ask me.”

Many residents are as thrilled as Umeke, and the Mayor’s office has been flooded with questions about how many, and which stops would be converted under the plan. Those living in areas where bus service was discontinued due to the expansion of the preservation zone, are especially eager to learn if the network could expand to these old stops as well.

John Driscol, one such resident, says he’d be delighted to see the program expand into the preservation zone.

“They took away all busing in my area 15-years-ago, both public and school routes. Since then, I’ve needlessly spent over 60 hours a year walking my kids to the next closest stop, or in some cases, the school itself. When you do the math, I’ve spent almost 38 days chained to unnecessary parental responsibility since the buses stopped running to our neighborhood. I can’t get those days back, but it’s not too late for other parents who love their leisure time but feel an obligation to ensure their children’s safety as well. I take comfort in knowing that this system has the potential to help new parents who haven’t had to endure what I have. In addition, the fact that I would be able to greatly reduce the amount of steps I’d have to take in a day, gives me hope. Looking at the location of old and existing bus stops, I believe I could reduce the number of steps I take in a busy day to under 2,000, and most days far less. I can’t get those school days back, but I might be able to greatly extend the life of my sandals, and that’s good enough for me.”

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Burgeoning Hawaiian Lobster Industry Blames Veilcorp For Weaker Shells

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A record number of people across the globe enjoyed cracking open a Hawaiian lobster last year, but that experience depends on one thing – the lobster surviving the journey alive. A growing number of lobster with extremely soft shells have been harvested in Maui waters, and it has the budding industry scrambling for answers. Many are blaming Veilcorp’s controversial Icarus project, and increased levels of 127 in the environment for the deformed crustaceans, but scientists say the cause remains unclear.

Nicknamed “Blobsters” for their soft translucent, in extreme cases almost jelly-like shells. These diseased lobsters are a major concern for fishermen. While Hawaii doesn’t have a long tradition of lobster fishing, changing ocean currents, and fluctuating water temperatures have created a budding industry across the islands. $45 million of Hawaiian lobster left the islands last year for dinner tables across the world, but it is the very conditions that boosted the industry in the first place, that may be its undoing, according to marine biologist Alanai Kalipalani.

“We know that increases in water temperature leads to ocean acidification, and a number of other problems involving mineral imbalances that may be the cause of the extreme changes we are seeing in the lobster,” says Kalipalani. “We’ve been studying the issue of shell softening in crustaceans for decades now, and while the case of these so called blobsters is extreme, we just don’t know enough to place the blame on any one thing. I think since the Icarus project was announced in February, it has become a convenient boogeyman that gets used as a scapegoat for any problem, or unusual natural event we don’t understand. The truth of the matter is epizootic shell disease, and other problems have been on the rise long before the Icarus program. There’s no doubt we should be concerned. I just want the concern pointed in a direction that will lead to results, not just accusations.”

Despite Kalipalani’s doubts about Veilcorp’s involvement, not everyone is as ready to agree with her findings, and take the spotlight off the company. Jake Pilua, one of the biggest seafood distributors on the island, says Veilcorp’s culpability is obvious, and points out Alanai’s ties to the corporation. “Mrs. Kalipalani has been one of the lead researchers in the urchin restoration project for over three years. So I can understand her desire to keep her job, but I’m trying to save an entire industry. Unless people get real honest about the problem, real quick, I’m not sure there will be a commercial lobster fishery in 5 years. The problem is that bad. I’ll concede that shell softening has been a concern for a long time, but there are only a few places in the world where we have seen the blobster phenomena. Those places all have one thing in common; they are near a large veil station. It couldn’t be any clearer that the higher concentrations of 127 in these areas is having an effect on the lobster, and who knows what else. We need answers and solutions, and we need them fast.”

Kalipalani says there are some things distributors like Pilua can do to safeguard their catch, and help get answers to the problem. “We recommend manipulating ion concentrations in the tanks where the lobsters are stored before shipping, and adding mineral supplements to the water. We urge fishermen to document when and where they caught these extremely soft lobsters, and make note of the water temperature, and anything else unusual. If we’re going to solve this problem, we’re going to need to work together.”

The blobster problem may have many fishermen wondering about their futures, but not everyone sees the condition as a concern. In fact, SSHAM founder Art Pua’a says that he’s working on a way to use the shellfish unsuitable for transport in SSHAM’s Lahaina factory. “The test kitchen created a number of blobster infused loaves with some interesting flavor profiles, but one in particular stood out for its texture. We’re calling in Shlobster, and it’s by far the creamiest SSHAM yet. We hope to have cans available in limited markets within a month.”

Restaurateur Bob Abramo is also cashing in on the unusual shellfish, saying blobsters are the most exciting new food he’s seen in years. “They’re cheap, they’re tasty, and you can eat them whole,” says Abramo. “What’s not to love?” The meat mogul is not only offering the soft lobster on his menu, but says he hopes the condition expands to other species.

“One of the worst things about shellfish is that you can’t eat the shells. Clams and mussels are tasty, but the amount of meat you get out in proportion to the shell makes it hardly worth the effort, but if you could pop the whole thing in your mouth….then you’re talking a whole different story. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to figure out how to jellify pig bones while they’re still in the pig. We’re talking about true snout to tail eating. While all these fishermen are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, they’re missing the big picture. Maybe these animals are just naturally developing to become more delicious. Humans have domesticated many different types of animals for food in our history. It’s possible this is just the beginning of a delectable domestic lobster. If it is, I’m marching into the future with my mind and mouth wide open.”

STORYLINE

Feds say Veil Scout leader ran exotic animal smuggling ring

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Federal authorities say that they have shut down one of the largest exotic animal smuggling rings that they have ever seen over the weekend. 56-year-old Dan Mercola is accused of illegally transporting and selling thousands of rare and exotic animals over the past year. While that’s enough to stock a small zoo, it’s the way he smuggled the animals, not the amount, that makes this case shocking. Officials say that Mercola used his position as a Veil Scout leader to involve the unwitting children under his supervision into his operation.

Founded in 2038, the Veil Scouts is a educational program for children between 8-16. The group’s goal is to “Help children develop into intellectual and social leaders of the global community.” In the program children learn to, “Respect other cultures and peoples by visiting and experiencing them in person. The Scouts take part in various educational programs and community building projects during their trips, cultivating a richer understanding across borders and laying the groundwork for a truly global community.”

Instead of focusing on these lofty goals, investigators say Mercola used the scout’s frequent trips as cover for years of smuggling. “We don’t believe any of the children were aware of what was going on,” said one official. “He was really good at hiding these animals. He had dozens of coolers with false bottoms for fish and reptiles, lanterns with spaces to hide small songbirds, and large containers that looked like rolled up sleeping bags for bigger animals.” Investigators say that Mercola may have smuggled thousands of exotic animals over the past year. When arrested Mercola reportedly had 20 critically endangered Round Island boas strapped to his legs and thighs, as well as a young Philippine crocodile hidden in the false bottom of a cooler. “The investigation is ongoing and we are currently dismantling his distribution network,” added officials.

Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) Greg Iona says that unfortunately the illegal sale of exotic animals is a big business.

“It doesn’t get as much attention as drugs or guns, but illegal animal sales is one of the world’s largest black markets. It can be devastating to the viability of endangered populations. There are fewer than 1,000 of the kind of boa Mercola was caught with left in the wild. He had 2% of the entire population stuffed in his pants. It’s not just the loss of these creatures from their natural habitat that we have to worry about either. Every year you hear cases about someone letting a potentially dangerous pet go in the wild. It’s not unheard of for people to catch piranhas in the ponds of their local park and Burmese pythons have overrun the Florida Everglades. It’s just a matter of when someone is going to be seriously injured by a big predator that was let loose after it became too unruly for it’s owner to handle, not when. The fact that this was a guy who was supposed to be setting an example for these kids makes the whole thing even more disappointing.”

John Driscol, father of one of the scouts in Mercola’s group, has other concerns.

“I’m still a little unclear on how and why an adult would involve children in a multimillion-dollar smuggling scheme, but I don’t understand what would lead to a person taping a couple dozen snakes to their legs either. But what I’m most upset about is how long this thing seems to be dragging on and how much of my time it’s eating up. They arrested Dan on Saturday and my son has been interviewed at least 3 times already. Because he’s a minor, I have to be there with him the whole time. This is the slow season in Lahaina, the beaches aren’t crowded and there are no lines at the bars. In fact, the average beer you get in April can be a full degree colder than one you get in June because the bartenders aren’t opening the cooler doors as much. It’s pretty much a paradise that I’ve lost thanks to a bunch of people who want to stare at an aquarium all day. It’s not fair. I enrolled my kid into the Veil Scouts because it was close enough for him to walk and so I had a place to send him on the weekends. I just wanted a little alone time to count waves, not get involved in an international crime syndicate.”

The Veil Scouts have not spoken publicly about the allegations but have removed Mercola from his position and we’ve been told he’s unable to travel by veil until the outcome of his trial becomes known. If found guilty he faces up to a year in jail and fines of up to $50,000 per offense. His lawyers say he is innocent of all charges.

STORYLINE

Lahaina Fire Department Hosts Luau Fundraiser

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As I’m sure many of you have heard, a recent call at the power plant turned bad and exposed the limits of some of our gear. The fire proximity suits and the standard breathing apparatus issued to all of our people proved to be insufficient to protect us from the effects of the 127 fire. While we all made it out, several were injured and it was made clear that we needed some new, more robust equipment.

Unfortunately, budget cuts have limited our ability to properly protect all of our brave men and women. So we’re asking the public to tap into a little of that famous Hawaiian spirit in order to help safeguard these first responders. In an attempt to raise the money we need, we’ll be hosting the biggest and best Luau we’ve ever held at the Lahaina training facility Saturday, June 27th. The food will be served starting at 7pm and will continue until you go home. A seat only costs $30 for an evening of food and entertainment. Bigger donations are of course welcome. You’ll be helping a worthy cause and doing your part to make the island a safer place.

We got 2nd Ladder’s most famous cook. Trust us when we say Rodger can whip up the most broke da mouth food you’ll find in Lahaina next to Hula Noodle. The menu will feature such favorites as: lomilomi salmon, chicken long rice, kalua pork, ahi poke, SSHAM Lau Lau, a wide variety of fresh fruits and all the poi you can eat. Make sure to wash it down with a few nice cold beers or with a well blended chi chi at our cash bar.

We have more than just a great meal planned. You’ll be entertained throughout the night with our crew showing off their amazing talents. We’re kicking off the evening by getting you hooked on our ladder races. Watch as 8 teams compete tournament style climbing up the 6 stories of our training building to see who can get to the top first. Keep in mind that going up is only half the competition, just like in life, it’s the race to the bottom where things can get interesting.

What Matt Makakū can do with his hose has always been the talk of whatever house he’s been stationed in. Now, watch for yourself as the hose-master carves and molds a block of ice into a piece of art. Without the hard metal tools usually used in ice sculpture, Matt will gently coax away all the parts that don’t belong with his sublime nozzle techniques, leaving only pure artistry behind.

Gnarly Lou will raise 4 alarms of funny with his witty observations and unbelievable stories. Hear about calls you won’t believe and maybe learn a few embarrassing things about your neighbors. After 15-years on the force Lou has seen just about everything and he isn’t afraid to share .

We’ll slow things down later and help you experience some of our old traditions with the drums and fire dancers of Engine 6. Embrace your roots with the rhythm of the drums and the precise movements of our firedancers. We’ll even try to teach a few moves to anyone brave enough to come up on stage.

We’ll close the evening with the angelic vocals of Driver Engineer Sarah Kekoa streamed live from her hospital room. Sarah will put her trademark Hawaiian spin on a number of old standards and classics while she recovers. Close your eyes and let yourself float away or have a slow dance with that special person in your life.

We have it on good authority that the man himself, Eric Oeming, will be in attendance to show his support for our brave men and women. It will be a night to remember for sure! Please come and help us secure the equipment we need so the next time you hear Sarah sing, it won’t be from her hospital room. They’d charge into a burning building for you, won’t you please have a meal and a few laughs for them?

STORYLINE

Supplemental Interview covering the Incident on 6/6/2043

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I understand that the events on 6/6/2043 are incredible, that why I put “wrong side of probability/fate” into box 13 when asked for the underlying cause of the accident. I continue to stand by that assessment.

My foreman Frank and I were the only ones scheduled to work the night shift leaving me to move the latest shipment of 127 to the second floor storage area myself. As usual Frank put on his noise dampeners, and was pretending that he wasn’t listening to music.

I hooked into the first pallet and drove to the freight elevator only to discover that it was not working. I thought I’d try to raise the forks as high as I could, and see if it cleared the balcony railing. About 8 feet from the height I needed the lift started to tip. I decided my best bet would be to grab a length of carbon cord and a pulley from the maintenance room. I attached the pulley to the balcony railing, and lowered the rope. Then, I got a medium sized plastic trash can, and one of the promotional Nuuskin thermoses that were accidently delivered to act as a scoop. With can and thermos in hand, I climbed up my lift to the pallet. Frank sat with his back to me nodding his head in time to his music.

I attached one end of the cord to the trash can and opened the container of 127. Balancing on a fork, I began to fill the can with 127 using the thermos as a scoop. I now know that 127 is a very dense material, and that it has been estimated that I had scooped around 195kg into the can. It is important to remember that I weigh between 68-70kg on any given day. My legs trembled as I strained to pull the trash can up to the balcony. Then I slipped.

I kicked the can hard, and watched it head to the floor. I noticed that I had wrapped the cord around my hand too late to undo it, and found myself heading up towards the railing. My hand met the bottom of the pulley and the trash can hit the floor. My fingers snapped. The can broke apart spilling 127 everywhere.

Now lighter than me, the barrel shot past as I began my quick descent leaving a trail of 127 in the air. I passed by the cloud as the AC kicked in, blowing it into my face. I landed hard on a fork and heard a snap in my ankle. My now bloody fingers slipped from the cord, and I tumbled backwards. Without being tied to my hand, the trash can came down again.

I landed folded up between the seat and the controls pressing on the accelerator with the now almost empty can on top of me spilling the remaining 127 over my head. The lift lurched backwards and I was off heading straight towards Frank. I screamed at him, but he remained ignorant of the fact that a co-worker wedged in a lift was flying towards him with a cracked and mostly empty barrel of 127. It’s strange but right before I hit him I could swear I heard his music and stranger still, I saw him both get hit, not get hit, fall down, and not fall down. I seemed to simultaneously hear Aloha Oe, Robert Johnson, and Iz not as a mashup, but as simultaneous individual soundtracks to my failure. I watched him go flying onto the board in my side mirror before passing out.

Yesterday I told my story to the Department of Energy investigators numerous times. I told it to a room full of people 8 times in fact. The last time they brought in all the interns and the secretaries before I complained. You’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little tired of explaining the events that led to the worst day of my life for the amusement of others. This better not end up on YouTube.

You asked specifically why I believe “wrong side of probability/fate” was the cause of the accident, and not gross negligence or incompetence. That is hard to explain, but I’ll do my best. Since that Saturday I can see how actions are connected. Every action produces something like probability string art that I can follow. You’ll have to trust me, there was no decision that I could have made that day that would have led to a substantially different outcome. All the strings led to this place. I was the good person due for a bad thing to happen to him.

Sam Pilikia
Lift Operator