STORYLINE

New app allows public to report violations in the preservation zone

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People witnessing a violation of preservations zone rules just got an easy way to report the infractions using their smart device or their ceremplant. The Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR), in association with the county of Maui, created an app called PZTip. It allows you to report a violation by providing details, photos, and video of illegal or suspected illegal activity in real time.
PZTip lets people connect directly with a special group of rapid response DLNR officers who can catch violators in the act. The app allows reporters to provide information that can lead to the arrest of anyone who hunts or harasses protected wildlife species, pollutes, litters, or violates any other preservation zone rules.

“Protecting our beautiful wild places and cultural resources will be a lot easier, with the help of the thousands of eyes and ears of concerned citizens. Despite our best efforts, we haven’t figured out a way to be everywhere yet. We believe that PZTip will be a game changer for our department and our people in the field. When a citizen calls in a tip, our coordination center dispatches the closest member of our rapid-response team to investigate. In the past, catching violators in the act and tracking down offenders was exceedingly difficult. The PZTip system helps expedite tips of wrongdoing and our responses,” said DLNR senior investigator Greg Iona.

Not everyone shares the DLNR’s enthusiasm however. Ronnie Kalipalani owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction has been a vocal critic of the program and says it is ruining the aloha spirit of the island.

“Creating a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear is not what we should be about. This campaign has already interfered with my business. While we were working on building an addition to a home near the preservations zone, we found a nice little area on a nearby bluff. It was great for lunch breaks or if my crew just needed some time. I know that when I make a mistake measuring or something, it helps to take an hour or so to get my mind straight. The bluff was perfect for that. We hauled in some nice chairs, a table, and a little solar powered fridge. It was paradise, but someone must have seen us and called in a tip. Next thing you know they’ve impounded the fridge and gave me a ticket for every item in our little break room. All together it’s going to cost me almost $10,000. It’s not like we were going to leave everything up there forever. I don’t know how they expect us to keep our beer cold now. More importantly, our morale has taken a big hit. I understand that people are concerned about protecting the environment but I don’t think setting up a group of secret informants is the right way to do it.”

The PZTip app is completely anonymous, as the technology removes all identifying information before officers see tips. This anonymous feature has led to a number of complaints about false accusations and Iona admits that his office has had to deal with a number of reports that have turned out to be unwarranted. However, it is not the prank reports that has many concerned. It is the marketing campaign around the app that has some raising their eyebrows.

In conjunction with the app’s release, the county has rolled out an advertising campaign that many are calling Orwellian in nature. Signs promoting the program direct the public to report any suspected violation even if the tipster in unsure if a law has been broken. Numerous posters urge residents and tourists alike to use live recording apps such as Manimal’s X-eyez, so they can keep a complete video log of suspected violations with lines like, “Better safe than sorry!” Others seem to encourage residents to follow tourists around to ensure that they don’t break the rules saying, “They don’t live here, you do. Make sure they’re not leaving a mess!” But it is the ads targeting children that has seen the most pushback. A commercial showing a fawn tangled in plastic and urging children to report littering parents before they “kill all the little animals,” has already been pulled but others of a similar tone are still being run.

Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate, says that the pushback to the program is nonsense and naive. She says that having a little fear of being reported to the DLNR is healthy, and that only people breaking the law need to be afraid. “If you didn’t do the crime you won’t have to pay the fine. It’s as simple as that,” she says.

“Everyone who has a sibling, cousin, or close family member knows the power of the statement, ‘If you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to tell.’ Fear of being told on when you’re doing something wrong is the cornerstone of every successful family and functional government. Without the possibility of repercussions nobody would follow the rules or pull their weight. Most people don’t do what they’re supposed to because of some sort of intrinsic goodness or sense of duty. They do it because they’re scared of being told on. I’m sorry if the people living in Lollipop Land don’t understand that. The PZTip app is the most powerful tool we have to force people to follow the rules. If parents did a better job of teaching their children by example, we wouldn’t have to instill proper values in them through our school outreach programs. I’m sorry if it upsets the haters, but the app is here to stay.”

STORYLINE

Countdown to Manimal’s 100 Billionth Can Has Lahaina Buzzing

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All of Lahaina is buzzing with anticipation this week, as the Manimal bottling facility is set to bottle the 100 billionth can of Manimal. 14 years ago the first can of Manimal was produced in a small West Maui plant, with the hopes and dreams of less than a dozen employees riding on the cans of liquid energy. “We tried using my friend Jeff’s garage for storing excess inventory at first, but it wasn’t long until there wasn’t room for his car anymore. It was a mess. The rest, as they say, is history. As long as nothing crazy happens, the 100 billionth can should roll down the line early Thursday,” says Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Now one of the largest energy drink companies in the world, Manimal says they want to not only pay respect to where it all started, but also embark on what may be the largest, and most expensive marketing campaign ever conceived.

“We had a good idea, a little money, and this tiny bottling facility with an awesome half-pipe out back. We probably should have had a better business plan at first, but we figured that stuff would work itself out, as long as people loved what we were making. Luckily, we were right. Manimal’s extreme recipe was a perfect match for athletes who were sick of being only partially invigorated by their beverages. We shot for full power right away, and it showed. Honestly, one of our biggest breaks was a local up-and-coming surfer who really loved our product. One day we talked about a sponsorship deal while paddling out in the morning. We wrote something up on a napkin on the beach that afternoon. Layla Kalani turned into one of the greatest surfers to ever live, and a pretty good spokeswoman too. We owe her, and all of our customers a lot, that’s why we announced our “We Quenched the World” campaign to coincide with the celebration. We’re going to literally give a Manimal to everyone,”says Kane.

A multiple time world champion, Kalani says she’s proud at how far she and Manimal have come together, and like the rest of her friends, she can’t wait for the milestone can. “Whether I’m punching a nosy shark in the face, starring in the summer’s hottest movie, or just trying to get a little boost between waves, I always have a Manimal within reach.” Like many others, Kalani says she will attend the company’s sponsored party on Front Street Thursday, but also plans on a more intimate celebration with friends and family later in the day. “My family and I have a special connection with Manimal. I think of Spencer as a brother, and we’ve had quite a journey together. We’re going to wrap the day up with a little food, a climbing wall, and some midnight surfing.”

The upcoming celebration has not been without complications however. Since announcing their ostentatious goal of giving a Manimal to every person on the planet, the “We Quenched the World” preregistration lines have been fraught with outages, and in some cases day-long hold times. With questions about logistics and costs, many industry insiders say Kane’s campaign can’t possibly succeed. Brian Leets of Pacific Investment Advisers says he’s never seen anything so reckless in his time as an analyst. “It’s not just bad, it’s corporate suicide. If they somehow survive the initial costs, they’ll be trying to pay off the debt for decades. I’m changing my rating for Manimal from a ‘strong buy’ to ‘dump immediately and avoid at all costs.’”

Nonetheless, Kane says he’s not concerned, adding that Leets, “Has never been barrelled in his life, and wouldn’t know a Fakie 720 Quadruple Kickflip Sexchange, from a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip, let alone an excellent idea when he heard it.” He says that a year is plenty of time to get a can in everyone’s hand, and he’s not worried about the costs.

“It all started when I was told that 100 billion cans was more than enough to give everyone on the planet multiple Manimals. That blew me away! I knew that many of those cans were made before we figured this whole giant company thing out, but we’ve been on point with everything for a few years now. There was no reason we couldn’t literally give everyone who exists a Manimal within a year. That’s the goal, and I’m confident we’ll do it. We hired a couple dozen extra temps to cover the phones, but it totally wasn’t enough as it turns out. I had no idea that people would be so eager to provide their info so early on. We’re making some changes to fix the registration process: automating some things, setting up phone banks, and trying to get some better hold music going on. I ask the public to bear with us while we work out the kinks.”

While it’s one thing to compile a list of addresses, and put a can in the mail, it’s quite another to make a delivery in the world’s more far-flung and remote destinations. However, Kane seems undaunted by the task, saying the company is working closely with many different governments and Veilcorp, and will employ a small army of distribution specialists.

“We’ve been in talks with virtually every government to get a list of all their citizens already, and with the help of Veilcorp’s travel associates, we’ve got 99% of the world covered. Veilcorp has been sending people and stuff all over the world for many years now. They have a killer transportation network, and partners who can get almost anything, anywhere. For the remaining 1% we’re calling in our own distribution specialists who know how to operate under extreme conditions. We have the world’s best deep sea divers to deliver to scientists working in aqualabs in every ocean. There are teams of the most talented free climbers around, with backpacks full of Manimal, climbing cliffs around remote monasteries, and others seeking solitude in the mountains. For everything in between, we have the best drone and helicopter pilots money can buy, scanning the deserts, plains, and forests of the world. We’re probably going to find people who’ve never even seen a surfboard or a proper running shoe, but when we’re done, they’ll know about liquid energy in a can. For 14 years Manimal has been slaying thirst and supercharging achievement. This is an awesome undertaking. Luckily, we know a little something about awesome. We’ve put it in a can about 100 billion times already.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Releases Enormous “Herd-Sized” Cans To the Public

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For Manimal fans, there’s never been bigger news. Today the much-hyped “Herd-Sized” cans go on sale to the general public. Coming in at just over 36 gallons, the company says the enormous cans are targeted at a generation “used to abundance,” and will provide “sustained energy for even the most rabid fan for up to a month.” However, some take issue with Manimal’s suggested daily serving sizes and several design flaws with the gigantic containers exposed during a trial run in the company’s home town of Lahaina.

Over twice the size as a keg of beer, the new cans are impressive, to say the least. Around 6ft tall and weighing over 350 pounds, customers must schedule delivery and installation times when ordering one. Herd-Sized containers resemble old-fashioned water heaters more than the slick cans fans have come to love. Despite this, the company says the target audience for the new can is the much-coveted “Veiler” demographic, the generation who grew up with veil technology.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he’s “super excited” about offering a Manimal product specifically designed for Veilers. “This is a generation that is used to traveling across the world in an instant, they don’t want to make multiple trips and wait in line to get the life-fuel they need. We listened to our customers and we heard them loud and clear. Herd-Sized Manimal allows you to provide ultimate hydration to your crew. If you’re more of a lone wolf the new container holds around a month’s worth of savage refreshment, so you never have to wait for that surge of energy you need. Veilers are used to getting their money’s worth and immediate gratification. We feel that Herd-Sized Manimal is just our natural adaptation to those wants and needs. As usual, Manimal is leading the pack and I couldn’t be more excited!”

There’s sure to be no shortage of Herd-Sized cans delivered in the coming weeks across Maui, but as usual, this Manimal announcement is not without controversy. Critics point to the company’s famously fraught Manimal public ATV rollout, as well as the numerous issues with past promotions, some involving children. Betsy Kaukau an investigator for the Department of Health says she’s not concerned with one more questionable marketing scheme, she’s concerned about the public’s well-being.

“Forget the fact that these containers come with special bracing to keep them from crashing through floors. Forget that the company’s recommended daily serving is over a gallon a day, an amount of Manimal that we know can lead to massive multisystem organ failure. What really scares me is the dangerous design issues their test rollout uncovered. Nobody at Manimal thought to put any sort of level indicator on these things. Instead, they come with a level stick that allows any number of contaminants and bacteria into the container. The company puts a “refrigerate after opening” sticker on the side but who has a refrigerator big enough to accommodate this gargantuan thing? Basically, Manimal is shipping 350-pound biological bombs across the country.”

Gary Puniwale, a Lahaina resident, and participant in Manimal’s product trial is one of the unlucky few who experienced problems with his Herd-Sized can.

“Luck and I have never been friends but when I learned that I was going to be one of a few dozen in Maui to get a Herd-Sized can I thought my luck was changing. I should have known better. Everything seemed to go great the first week. Sure it was a little hard to get it into my apartment and the landlord had some concerns about it crashing on my neighbors below, but I made room and it came with extra floor bracing. I thought it was great, but at the beginning of week two things started to change.

I wasn’t positive, but I thought it started tasting different and it would be really foamy in the morning. I thought maybe it was the apartment AC vibrating the container at night or something and the taste seemed fine after I drank a few glasses so I put it out of my mind. Then one morning I noticed that the sides looked a little bowed. I thought it tasted a little fizzy but I stirred it and tried a glass and it seemed ok. I put the stick back in place and got another glass before I went to work and then another. It turns out that the Manimal was fermenting and I drank so much that I passed out.

I woke up in the hospital with a BAC over three times the legal limit. The can had burst leaking gallons of boozy Manimal on my neighbor below. She ran upstairs and found me unresponsive and called for help. In retrospect, I should have known that the buzz was from alcohol and not ultimate energy but I’m not a doctor. Manimal paid for my medical expenses and cleaning the downstairs apartment. I’m doing much better but I’d caution anyone thinking of getting a Manimal silo in their home. There is something to the saying “too much of a good thing.”

Manimal says they have come up with adaptor kits for older containers complete with soldering instructions and stand by the safety and intensity of their product.

STORYLINE

Coast Guard Rescues Tourists From Runaway Drone Ship

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A pair of tourists were rescued late Sunday evening, after the navigation system of their drone sailboat malfunctioned, causing the vessel to travel back and forth across the Auau Channel, between Maui and Lanai. The crew of a U.S. Coast Guard boat were able to board the runaway vessel near Lahaina Harbor, and rescue 67-year-old Jenna Karlson and her husband, 68-year-old Phil. The couple had been trapped on the boat since Friday afternoon, and were taken to the Lahaina Medical Center to be treated for dehydration. Both are expected to make a full recovery.

It’s fair to say that the Karlson’s trip did not go as planned. Jenna says it all began when the hotel concierge suggested the couple go to a timeshare presentation in order to get free tickets for a boat tour of Western Maui. “I told her that she lived in a beautiful place, but I couldn’t believe how expensive everything was. $3 for a bottle of water? I asked for suggestions for something fun, and cheap that didn’t involve too much walking. She said if we listened to a 2 hour presentation about a timeshare, we’d get free lunch, and tickets for a boat ride. The price was right, and it sounded like a hoot, so I took down the directions, and off we went.”

Timeshares have become more and more common as the popularity of Western Maui has boomed in recent years. According to the Lahaina Business Association, over 10,000 tourists attended a timeshare presentation in Lahaina last year alone. The Karlson’s made their way to the trendy Aloha Shores Condominiums Friday morning, and according to Phil the issues began right away.

“It was supposed to start at 10:00, but it was 10:18 before the whole thing got rolling. It went over an hour long, and the “lunch” was nothing but pinwheel sandwiches, melon balls, and some warm Manimal. Still, there wasn’t a sign anywhere about plate limits, so I made sure Jenna put some food in her purse, while I put a few cans in my fanny pack. When the sales pitch was finally over, I grabbed our tickets, and we were on our way to what was supposed to be a lovely trip along the coast. I should have known it was too good to be true.”

The Karlson’s boarded a drone sailboat Friday afternoon at No Hands On Deck, one of the many new businesses offering tours in captainless drones in the Lahaina area. Booked for a midday cruise, the couple was only supposed to be on the water for a few hours before returning, but within minutes, things literally took a bad turn according to Jenna. “There was a terrible noise, the boat lurched, and we headed out to sea,” she says.
For the next two days, the boat traveled back and forth the across Auau Channel with the Karlson’s trapped aboard. “At first I was scared, but Phil said we should make the best of things, and someone would come looking for the boat after it didn’t return. Unfortunately, It turns out their inventory tracking is about as good as their boat’s navigation systems,” says Jenna.

“It wasn’t all bad to be honest. We were worried about getting our phones wet, so we left them at the hotel. Not having them as a distraction was nice, even though we could have used them to call for help. We must have taken 30 trips back and forth across the channel, and not once did we see a whale. If we had wasted money on one of those whale tours I would have been very upset. It rained pretty hard the first night, and it was really cold. Phil and I had to snuggle together for warmth, it was like we were teenagers again, sneaking out to the shed to be alone. We had plenty of food from the presentation in my purse, but we ran out of Manimal early Saturday, and I began to worry. We talked about just jumping off when we got close to Lahaina again, but Phil was worried that they’d charge our credit card for the whole boat if we abandoned ship, so we just kept riding. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was getting really concerned. I couldn’t see how we’d make our checkout time, and as the sun went down I knew Veilcorp would charge us extra for missing our departure slot. I held Phil’s hand, and we talked about how much more this was all going to cost, and what was happening to our luggage back at the hotel. It was a real low point, but then we were lit up by a Coast Guard spotlight. We were a little embarrassed about all the fuss, but glad to finally be off that boat.”

No Hands On Deck released a statement saying in part, “We regret the ordeal that the Karlson’s went through, and are reviewing our safety protocols to make sure nothing like this happens again.” Aloha Shores spokesperson Frank Lacey says he is relieved that the Karlson’s are ok. “First and foremost, My brother Steve and I would like to apologize to Phil and Jenna. We have learned a lot about properly vetting marketing partners through this, and would like to assure the Karlson’s that we are no longer working with No Hands. We’re going back to offering tickets to The Dolphin Experience, next door. We’ve never heard of one of the dolphins taking a guest on a 3 day open ocean odyssey against their will.”

“Further, we’d like to invite the Karlson’s back for a complimentary weekend visit once they’re feeling better. We employ a group of the industry’s finest tech support specialists, to aid all our guests if anything goes wrong with their unit, something Jenna and Phil could have used out in the channel. Unlike being trapped a runaway boat, our guests never have to worry about starting their day with food and drink, thanks to complimentary continental breakfast served fresh daily in the communal areas. Our knowledgeable staff, can help you get the hottest tickets in town, or directions to a secluded beach to enjoy Maui’s native wildlife. At Aloha Shores, you’ll never feel lost at sea thanks to our attention to detail, and desire to provide exemplary service. Call or email for details and availability.”

STORYLINE

Man Blames Malfunctioning Privacy Setting for Million Dollar Vandalism Spree

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18-year-old Peter Kolohe was arraigned today for vandalising over a dozen businesses on Front Street, resulting in over a million dollars worth of damage. Thousands watched Kolohe over the weekend live stream his crimes and take “requests” about what to destroy next. However, according to his attorneys, it is that goading from the public, and the improperly functioning privacy setting in his Manimal X-eyez extreme vision app, that is truly responsible for his frenzy of destruction.

It all started on Saturday when Kolohe and some friends came upon a car parked over the lines in a community lot along Front street. The group decided to teach the car’s owner “a lesson on how to park.” It was at this point Peter decided to broadcast the “lesson” to his followers using his X-eyez app. Instead of broadcasting the tire slashing to a handful of friends however, a glitch in the app’s latest software update caused the video to be available to the public. Soon hundreds of people were watching and urging Kolohe to find other bad parkers.

Word spread quickly. More people began tuning into the livestream and suggesting other targets of retribution for Kolohe. For the next 4 hours, goaded on by those watching, the young man damaged over 20 vehicles and vandalized dozens of businesses. Peter’s crime spree became the most watched live stream in Hawaii for a few hours before authorities finally caught up to him.

According to the official report and those watching the arrest in real time, Kolohe told the police that he didn’t intend to openly broadcast his activities but was glad that he did because “there are a lot of people out there who think they can take advantage of others” and that he was just “handing out some karmic justice.”

In a brief statement released this morning, his attorneys say, “Peter will have to answer for his crimes, but Manimal must be held accountable too. It is clear that If not for this app and its faulty design, many store owners would not be talking to their insurance companies this morning.” Since it’s unveiling to the public a few months ago, the Manimal X-eyez app has received its fair share of criticism. Many safety and privacy advocates warned that the app would encourage risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Kolohe’s actions over the weekend seem to give a bit a validity to those concerns.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane disagrees.

“We made the X-eyez app so our fans could share their most intense adventures in the most hi-tech way possible with other Manimal lovers. We didn’t make it so you could share your most extreme acts of vandalism. Frankly, we are super bummed that this young man decided to use our technology this way. For the record, the problem with our software update that led to all streams being set to “Public” was fixed as soon as we became aware of the issue. We believe that using our app as an excuse for committing crimes is really lame. Let me be clear on this point, streaming your: jumps, dives, cool board tricks, and intense workouts is cool and what the app was meant for. Slashing tires, smashing windows, and destroying private property is for sure NOT cool. It’s not cool at all. In fact I’d say that Manimal itself is probably too intense for Peter and he should probably stick with less awesome drinks like seltzer water or apple juice.”

Yet, some critics disagree and insist that Manimal and society in general, must shoulder some of the blame. Lahaina resident and noted author about the dangers of a “streaming society”, Kevin Morrow says that Kane and company should have known how dangerous their product was. He says that many young men like Kolohe are powerless to resist bad influences from a group, and has named the condition, “Incitis”.

“Laws are based on commonly accepted norms and what society has deemed to be the rules necessary for civil interactions. But inside these streaming communities the norms can be quite different. Impressionable people can be easily influenced and can come to believe that everything being suggested is normal behavior. Many people laughed when I warned of the societal dangers the radio tower would bring. Those problems pale in comparison when you look at the effects of incitis on the psyche. It was bad enough when people were just playing games live, but now that life streaming is becoming more common, the lines between games and reality can become blurry. We should consider ourselves lucky that a confused Peter didn’t don a breastplate and rampage through the streets looking for armor upgrades or steal a high-end sports car and race around Lahaina trying to win some sort of fictitious achievement. In my opinion, we started our journey down this slippery slope months ago, when the X-eyez app was released to an unprepared public.”

STORYLINE

Manimal debuts X-eyez implant software

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Today’s the day Manimal fans around the world have waited for. This morning the sports drink company unveiled their much anticipated X-eyez extreme vision app. The company says the software, which works with your ceremplant, records and broadcasts everything that a user sees. Manimal says the app offers your friends and fans “a feast from your eyes.” The app has been in a trial phase for several months but was released to the general public today.

It seems that everyone is developing ceremplant software these days. There is certainly no shortage of branded implant apps on the market currently and most have been underwhelming to say the least. But the Manimal app is different. The company released the software to a select group of spokespeople and enthusiasts 2 months ago and the buzz has been building ever since. X-eyez allows users to record what they see and broadcast their vision in three different modes: private, friends, and public. The company says it’s like having an extreme personal videographer.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane told a group of screaming fans this morning that the app lets you share your most intense moments and will change the way extreme sports are filmed.

“We’ve kept our eye on the prize and this morning we’ve given our fans the most high tech way of sharing their glory available. The difference between being a living legend and just another smack talker can be video evidence. They say that seeing is believing and that’s where our extreme vision app comes in. You can set it to private and relive days of past glory, share your feed with your friends to prove that you’ve raised the bar, or let everyone know how extreme you are by letting them look where you leap on the public setting. Our X-eyez software is going to be an eye opener for many.”

Womanimal spokeswoman Layla Kalani demoed the software by sharing her feed with everyone attending the event. After giving the fans a firsthand look at the skills that have made her a six-time world champion surfer, she addressed the crowd. “The extreme vision app is awesome! For the first time my fans can see exactly what it’s like to tackle a 30’ wave. I’ve been sharing the up close and personal footage on my page for a month now and the response has been wonderful. Finally my fans have a chance to live through my X-eyez. Best of all, the next time I punch a shark in the face, everyone will be able to see it from a good angle.”

Despite the fervor at the Manimal release party, many safety and privacy advocates aren’t excited about the app. Some say that the software encourages risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Others have security concerns and worry that the app could be hacked and used by criminals to case houses, or by stalkers to keep track of victims. They say that having a constant feed of your vision is a recipe for disaster. Lawsuits are sure to be filed by individuals not wanting to be part of someone’s public Manimal feed.

One person who isn’t concerned about the public feed option is Lahaina resident and backyard wrestling enthusiast Randy Wilcox. In fact, he says it was the key to turning his hobby into a full-time job. One of the lucky few to be chosen for Manimal’s early access program, Wilcox has been using the app to promote his wrestling.

“I can’t tell you how much it’s helped our shows. The views on our YouTube channel have gone up over 300% since I started broadcasting my “Slam Cam”. Not only have I been able to pay my mortgage from ticket sales alone this month, but I’ve been able to buy almost a year’s supply of folding chairs, capes, and knee braces. Thanks to the X-eyez app I plan on quitting my job and dropping elbows from the roof onto my brother-in-law for the foreseeable future.”

STORYLINE

Cruise Line Trades Trips for Teen’s Glimpsea Handle

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Dutchess Cruise Lines ended its search in Lahaina this week for the owner of the Glimpsea handle @DutchessCruise. The company had been looking for the owner of name, only to find it belonged to an area teenager. 17-year-old Peter Kolohe responded to a posting by the company which read, “Aloha Lahaina! Does anyone know Peter? We want to talk to him about his great taste in names.” Reaching an agreement with the cruise line, Kolohe offered to turn over the much coveted name to the company, in exchange for free yearly trips for his family.

Dutchess Director of Marketing Amy Hau’oli says the company is thrilled to get control of the handle, and that Kolohe drives a hard bargain. “We’ve been focusing on expanding our presence in a few key areas this year, including Lahaina. I was ecstatic that Peter responded to our posting, but that was before I had to negotiate with him. He’s quite a young man, shrewd beyond his years, with a great future as a royal figurehead, or hostage negotiator. We offered to pay generously for the name, but he made it clear from the very beginning, he was interested in a bartering situation, and not money.”

Hau’oli says the company will put the Kohole’s on its newest ship, the MS Joy. The family will receive numerous surprises throughout the trip, including the opportunity for Peter to help Captain Henrick Rasmussen pilot the boat, and the chance to sign up for a number of theme cruises, before they are available to the general public. The family’s experiences will be documented on the cruise’s social channels by a film crew dedicated to capturing Peter’s time onboard. “It was a fun way to claim the handle, and reward a clever budding business man,” she adds.

A relatively new player in the cruise market, Dutchess has made a name for itself by expanding in underserved areas, exploring new ports of call, and offering a number of special theme cruises. The company’s popular Lahaina tech cruise offers excursions to the city’s Veil Station, Thorcon Power Plant, as well as other areas of interest for the science-minded. Dutchess offers many other options as well, including trips for: chefs, musicians, deep sea fishing enthusiasts, cat lovers, and even romance authors.

While Dutchess may be new to the cruise business, Peter is not a beginner when it comes to claiming business names on social media. In fact, the teen has a history of trading handles to companies, starting 5-years-ago when he was 12.
“Even though I was just a kid at the time, I instinctively knew that I was extremely talented, especially when it came to marketing and seeing the big picture. The first company I outmaneuvered was a local family-owned surf shop. I grabbed @BruddahSea before they could. I got a wetsuit and free wax out of that one, and I was hooked,” explains Peter. The teen says that many companies fail to claim their social media handles after going public, even large, well-known companies often let them slip through the cracks. “The opportunity to claim a name gets even bigger when you include regional networks and isps, like Glimpsea, and Phxicom. You’d be surprised at some of the companies that don’t lockdown their handles, and how easy it is for me to see several steps ahead of these ‘professionals’,” adds Kolohe.

“It’s kind of a family business, so it’s probably something in my genes. My dad made a bunch of money selling domain names back in the day, but like many great thinkers, I made it better by bringing speed, and fresh ideas to an old game. It’s easy to stay ahead of the pack when you’re rewriting the rules. I’ve never thought money was a good investment. I’d rather have stuff and service agreements. Governments rise and fall, currency is always in flux, and there’s no telling what the world will look like tomorrow. I wouldn’t be surprised if we figure out a way to use 127 to communicate with other realities, or see into the future. I guess everyone will finally know what it’s like to be me then.

What will always stay the same is basic needs, and the willingness to trade for goods and services. I have almost everything I need thanks to my insights, and my handle trading, as long as I stay in Lahaina. I have first dibs on reserving a public ATV and a special card that gets me free drinks, thanks to someone at Manimal forgetting to register on Glimpsea. I can get a free ride wherever Hailoha operates. I have first dibs on cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve when it comes out, and a few weeks stay in an Aloha Shores timeshare every year, all thanks to my talent at grabbing social media handles. Actually, one of the only local companies that has met me on level ground is Veilcorp. I haven’t been able to leverage anything from them. Their social media team is the bomb. I have a lot of respect for the speed and depth of their branding and name game. Of course they have a whole division, and I’m just me, but it is still impressive ”

Kolohe says that he’s proud to add Dutchess Cruise Lines to the long list of companies he’s struck a deal with, and doesn’t feel that there is anything wrong with name squatting. “Businesses must innovate everyday to survive. It’s not my fault that I’m quicker than they are, anymore than it’s a sharks fault that it eats slower fish. It’s the natural order of things, and the cost of me teaching your marketing department a lesson.” Peter says his goal is to eventually create an educational program designed to teach others how to do what he’s done. “I think the area is ripe for others, and I look forward to bartering with people from across the world for my knowledge and usernames. I’m not promising miracles. It is highly unlikely that anyone will be able to match my talents. You can’t really teach being two steps ahead, but I think it would be a shame if I didn’t share at least some of my wisdom with the masses. I won’t feel like I’m done until I can teach others how to live on names alone, cement my impact on the business world, and secure my place in history.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Children’s Book Draws Ire of Parents and Safety Groups

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A new children’s book published by the popular Manimal sports drink company has parents and safety advocates seeing Radical Red. Released to mark recent news that Manimal has become the most popular energy drink in Hawaii, the company says “Sarge’s Cub Club” is for the youngest members of Manimal’s growing family, and teaches kids how to avoid the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and a sedentary lifestyle. However, many parents and experts say the book glorifies reckless behavior and dangerous activities.

Fresh off of news that Manimal had reached over 80% market share in West Maui and 75% in Hawaii as a whole, the public waited with bated breath to see what the Lahaina based company would do to celebrate. Manimal has had more than a few marketing hiccups in recent years. The contamination of a sacred spring by a member of the company’s Alpha Club placed the drink maker in hot water. Numerous health concerns were raised when a man nearly died from excessive Manimal consumption, and much of the Lahaina city council still refuses to comment on the public ATV fiasco. The release of a children’s book seemed an unlikely but safe choice to many, but it wasn’t long before the controversy that seems to follow the company reared its head.

Henna Driscol was one of the first parents to file an official complaint after buying her daughter a copy of the book. “We drink a lot of Manimal in this house and I thought it was neat that a local company has grown into this huge thing, so I thought I’d get Megan a copy. It was a huge mistake! I can’t believe that someone in authority at Manimal thought it was appropriate for children,” she says

“It starts out OK. Major, the company mascot tells a group of kids about the history of Manimal and how it got started here in Lahaina. Sarge teaches the kids how cleaning and helping your parents can be fun, what to say if someone offers them drugs, that sort of thing. Then the whole thing goes off the rails. One of the kids in the book complains that she isn’t allowed to skydive like her older brother and Sarge comes up with a bunch of “kid-friendly” extreme activities that can be done at home. It talks about how free climbing a rock face is too dangerous for kids, but bookcases and tall appliances like a refrigerator are fair game. There are instructions on how to arrange the furniture to make the “gnarliest indoor parkour course on your block.” My daughter broke her arm following Sarge’s recommendations on the best household objects to use for stair surfing. There’s a whole lot more to hate in there too, but we were lucky. Megan got hurt before she got to the part about adding fire to your stunt videos. I’m not one to get behind a book burning, but in this case, I’d be the first to throw this thing on the pyre.”

Numerous other parents and concerned citizens have complained citing dozens of injuries directly tied to stunts laid out in the book. The Lahaina Medical Center’s Director Dalia Forsythe has been a vocal opponent and has advised parents to not let their children read Sarge’s Cub Club. She says, “It’s a collection of dangerous things to do for children with too much free time. I’d say it was an accident waiting to happen, but accidents have already happened over 30 times! We’ve seen bumps and bruises to broken bones and even a potentially life-threatening head injury from kids trying out some of the activities in this book. It’s terrible and Manimal should pull it from shelves immediately.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he acknowledges that some of the activities in the book may go too far, but thinks the backlash has been overblown. “To be honest I thought we were hitting this one out of the park, but I feel like a few haters and a couple of inattentive parents are making a much bigger deal out of this than they need to.”

“Look, kids get hurt all the time. It’s what kids do. Now, you take kids who embrace all life has to offer them, kids who like living their own game, not playing one on the couch, the kind of kids that drink Manimal….well they’re probably going to get a few scrapes living their best lives. That doesn’t mean that we’re responsible for everything they do.

Sure, there are probably a few suggestions in there that come too close to the line, but that’s part of the Manimal lifestyle. I hear a lot about kids falling off the top of cabinets and tumbling down stairs, but nobody is talking about the many good safety tips in Sarge’s Cub Club. Nobody mentions how Sarge tells the kids to never dive into a tub that’s half full. He tells the kids to always fill the tub to the very top before jumping in from any height. Does that sound irresponsible to you? These parents aren’t thanking us for suggesting that their kids practice jumping over cars in the garage before trying it out in the street. Maybe we should have read the book a little closer before we released it, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a super big deal. I mean nobody has died or anything and there are some really good tips on how to make your home videos straight fire. I think the kids would agree that a thousand more views on social media are worth a couple of close calls.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center To Offer Controversial Manimal Detox Program

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The Kokua Wellness Center is world renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and exclusive clientele, but the spa has announced that they plan to depart from their usual services, and dip their toes into a controversial subject, Manimal detoxification. While most healthcare and addiction specialists claim that “Manimal addiction” is no more serious than having a penchant for coffee, many claim the Lahaina based energy drink company is pedaling a dangerous and potentially addictive product. They say over time Manimal can have serious detrimental health effects, and can cause severe withdrawal symptoms in those trying to give up the popular drink.

According to the Journal of the Hawaiian Medical Association, between 34 and 44 percent of young adults drink Manimal at least once a day. In addition, at least half of those polled say they consume between 4-6 cans daily. “That’s an irresponsible amount of caffeine, taurine, and other hazardous stimulants for a body to process,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Kokua has always been about healing, and seeing so many of our neighbors trying to walk through their life’s journey burdened with the heavy weight of Manimal addiction, we knew we had to act. Unlike normal caffeine withdrawal which causes little more than headaches or an inability to concentrate, patients suffering from Manimal withdrawal often experience: uncontrollable muscle spasms similar to restless leg syndrome, dysphoria, an intense urge to run or jump, nausea and vomiting, a craving for carbonated beverages, heart palpitations, and a need to let out a primal scream. Severe cases can lead to liver failure, seizures, and psychotic episodes. We have developed an all natural way to cleanse the body of Manimal poisons. By boosting your own immune responses through tonal treatments, aural bathing, facilitated napping, and herbal replacement therapy, we are offering the first all natural Manimal detox program in the world.”

Hoomaau claims that over a dozen customers have signed up for the cleansing already, but health care professionals remain skeptical about the condition and the cure. Dr. Dalia Forsythe, director of the Lahiana Medical Center says, “We have no proof that Manimal addiction is anything other than an addiction to caffeine. Unfortunately, I believe Manimal is a victim of its own popularity in this case. We don’t hear about addiction to other energy drinks that contain similar ingredients. As far as a system to “detox” your body goes, well that is complete fantasy. The body already has its own complex purification system. No amount of bell ringing or basil chewing is going to remove more toxins from your body than your kidneys and liver. This is just the modern equivalent of the lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanses that were so popular in the early 2000’s.”

However, some applaud Kokua’s new program and wish it had been available earlier. One of the most vocal Manimal critics in the addiction debate is 31-year-old Steven Nauwe. The dog walker and groomer made national headlines in the Spring of 2027 after his Manimal addiction led to multisystem organ failure. Nauwe was airlifted to The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu, where he would spend close to a month recovering.

“At the height of my problem I was drinking at least 20 cans a day. Almost dying was obviously terrible, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Being without Manimal that first week in the hospital was horrendous. The doctors kept saying my discomfort was due to my system trying to restart itself, but deep down in my bones and my spleen, I knew it was the lack of Manimal. It had a hold on me like a wrestler, and I was almost down for the count. Kicking Manimal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done next to grooming the Driscol’s cats. I can’t express how grateful I am that Kokua has taken the issues of Manimal addiction seriously, and are offering a detox program to aid those suffering from withdrawal.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane acknowledges that long-time drinkers may experience headaches or minor irritability when going cold turkey, but says that the allegations of more serious effects are simply not true. “I’ve checked with the company doctors and lawyers and we all agree; These allegations are stupid! The biggest thing that should concern you if you stop drinking Manimal is your output. This is a high performance drink for high performance people. To avoid the mild headaches that some regular drinkers can experience, we suggest you taper down your intake before quitting. When your engines are burning hot you have to gradually cool them down, even forged steel can crack a bit if you cool it down too fast. As always, we encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. Other than that, it’s all good.”

STORYLINE

Public ATV program plagued with technical problems

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The county of Maui and Manimal partnered to provide a public ATV service a little over a month ago, but the program has suffered from a number of major technical issues since its inception. Many are saying the self-driving vehicles are a menace, while others are calling for an immediate end to the service. Despite numerous updates and a recall in the first week to fix an overheating battery issue, the program continues to be plagued with problems. This weekend alone, the service logged over 30 complaints and left one family stranded almost 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The preservation zone expansion in Lahaina a few months ago put greater restrictions on the number of ATVs allowed inside its borders, as well as the number of businesses allowed to rent the vehicles. In response, the Mayor’s office and Manimal teamed up to offer a first-of-a-kind public ATV program. The service was designed to give better control over all-terrain vehicles traveling through sensitive areas, and allow tourists to still participate in the popular way to see the island. 45 public all-terrain vehicles, in 5 different locations are currently available in the Lahaina area. However, things haven’t gone well.

First, the vehicle’s self-driving and navigation systems leave much to be desired. Unfortunately, it has become common to see the vehicles driving through yards, circling around in parking lots, or even becoming stuck against buildings. Owner of a local maker commune within the preservation zone, Ano Lee says he sees a lot of malfunctioning ATVs.

“We like to call them Self Crashing ATVs or SCATVs. We had one crawl up an embankment and run into the side of the printer shed with a couple of tourists inside. It just sat there, slowly spinning its tires in the grass. It took the Manimal tech over an hour to get down here and she had to disconnect the battery just to get it to stop. I can’t tell you how many people have hiked up here for help after one of these things hit a tree or drove down into a ditch. The only thing extreme about the Manimal ATVs is how extremely bad the navigation system is.”

The ATVs are also excruciatingly slow, with a top speed equal to a brisk walk. A commercial promoting the service with Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale says that the slow speed is to ensure, “Nobody spills their Manimal.” In truth, the limited speed is a liability and insurance issue. It was thought at the time that slow speeds would make passengers safer, but it has proven to be just the opposite. Drivers have lodged numerous complaints about the vehicles impeding the flow of traffic. Coupled with the navigation issues, many worry that it is only a matter of time before a serious accident occurs.

The program was shut down 4 days after it began because of a number of battery fires. There hasn’t been a fire since the power cables were replaced in all units, but one other early bug is still plaguing the service. The ATV’s power indicators seem to be defective. This issue has left countless tourists stranded as their vehicles suddenly stop. 35-year-old Randy Wilcox and his family were enjoying their vacation until their vehicle rolled to a stop without warning, in the bottom of a gulch, 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The Mayor’s Office has been scrambling to try and offer solutions to the numerous issues. Mayor Cravalho himself seems open to scrapping the program calling it, “a PR nightmare,” and he’s not alone. Many on the city council agree. A push to shut down the fledgling program is gaining momentum, but not everyone involved with the project seems to have such a negative view.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says the program is just experiencing growing pains.

“I’ll be honest. I’m super bummed about the fires and the gauges not working right. That stuff should have been working on day one. But the stuff about getting lost, and driving through yards… you got to expect a few bumps when you’re blazing a new trail. We’re talking about complex systems, that take a specialized group of technicians and engineers. I’ve let them all know how uncool driving around in a circle at a shopping center is and they agree. We’re all on the same page now, and we have a super-good new approach to fixing these bugs and making sure they don’t pop up again. I’d like to encourage anyone who’s on the fence to go ahead and strap in and enjoy a ride. An automated trip down the beach is almost as refreshing as an ice cold Manimal!”