STORYLINE

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

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It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina’s 109-year-old Junior Ranger Patrols the Trails and Keeps Them Safe

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It was a trip of a lifetime for Karen Brodi and her fiancé Lars. The pair had spent the day sightseeing and soaking up the West Maui sun. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a celebrity, they ate lunch at the famous Hula Noodle restaurant and planned on taking a tour of the Thorcon plant later in the day. With a few hours to kill, the couple decided to hop in one of the public ATVs and explore some of the trails throughout the beautiful Lahaina preservation zone. That’s when their trip took a turn for the worse.

The couple soon found themselves stuck in the mud at the bottom of a ravine. Worse, Lars had badly sprained his ankle trying to dig out the wheels of their Manimal ATV. Karen had no idea where they were, which made it hard for rescuers to find them. Emergency drones were dispatched, but authorities told Karen it could be hours before they were located. Just then, she heard what dozens of other troubled tourists have heard in their time of need, the whirring sound of an electric motor.

“All of a sudden this really old lady wearing a ranger uniform pulls up on a tricked out mobility scooter,” Karen says. “I didn’t know what to think, and was just kind of staring at her, when she got up and unwound some cable from a winch mounted on the front. She asked if I could wrap it around the front axle while she chained her scooter to a tree. The next thing you know we had the ATV out of the mud and Lars in a splint she made out of sticks. She gave us both a bottle of water and told me to follow her because she knew a short-cut to the main road. We both thanked her and asked her name. She said it was no trouble and that it was her job; she was Junior Ranger Malie.”

Karen and Lars are officially the 35th and 36th tourist treated or rescued by Malie Kahiko, Lahaina’s oldest Junior Ranger. The 109-year-old star of the reality program Malie’s List is many times older than the preservation zone itself, but says being part of the Junior Ranger program helps her feel young. “They thought I was crazy when I showed up, and told me the program was for kids. I told them that I was a kid at heart and that they didn’t have anything about age listed anywhere, so they’d just have to deputize me.”

Started a year after the preservation zone expansion in 2031, the Junior Ranger program was designed to teach children about: the wonders of nature, the importance of protecting fragile areas, and to cultivate a sense of stewardship in the next generation of wildlife advocates. Despite the age difference between Malie and her other Junior Rangers, she says she feels right at home at their weekly meetings. “I just love the energy of the kids and the look in their eyes when I tell them about the people I helped that week,” Kahiko says.

There’s no doubt that Malie has become an attraction herself, with many tourists wanting to get a picture with the elderly ranger, but admiration for her is not shared by everyone. Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate calls the idea of a 109-year-old Junior Ranger, “silly” and says Malie has no business patrolling the preservation zone.

“To be perfectly honest it’s ridiculous. Mrs. Kahiko has no formal training, and didn’t work as a first responder when she was young enough to be useful. I for one don’t think it’s cute or inspiring that an ancient woman, no longer capable of walking from her couch to the kitchen, is cruising around out there. She’s a liability just waiting to happen! Instead of putting herself in dangerous situations, I believe Malie would better serve her family by finding an appropriate care facility and getting her affairs in order. She has reached that special age in life where it is important to acknowledge how close to death you are, and do everything you can to make your passing easier for your family, not pulling people out of the mud, or administering emergency first aid. She has obviously motored on well past her freshness date and needs to stop her antics.”

Undeterred by Stonegate’s criticism, Malie says she has the full support of her family and has no plans to give up her ranger uniform. “I’m not surprised that someone like Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t get it. When that woman came out of her mother’s womb she started complaining that her swaddling cloth wasn’t designer made. What she and a few others don’t understand is that you are never too old to lend a hand. My scooter Betty has an electric winch, a spare battery, satellite phone, a water pouch, and all the medical supplies I need to handle almost any situation. Sure, I’m a little bit older than the other rangers, but I’m not too old to help when I can. That’s what the aloha spirit is all about! As long as I’m able, I’ll be out there lending a hand or a wheel to whoever needs it.”

STORYLINE

Manimal To Rebuild Lahaina Drainage System Damaged By Hurricane Neki

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Neki was a once-in-a-century hurricane, with record winds and tidal surges. The storm caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages, and left thousands in its path without homes or utilities. The hurricane’s devastation has been unprecedented, but so has the vast outpouring of support to help rebuild Lahaina. While most of that has been in the form of food, water, and medical supplies, one company has promised to solve a major problem the county is facing after the storm. The Lahaina based Manimal corporation has offered to rebuild and improve the county’s combined sewer and storm drain system.

Many experts agree that the Lahaina drainage and sewer system was badly in need of an upgrade before Neki. The decades old system was outdated, and unable to keep up with the needs of a booming Lahaina. The hurricane only exacerbated existing issues, propelling them into the spotlight. The city says that by accepting the offer by Manimal, they will be able to return services much faster to the community, and avoid any secondary dangers that the broken system now presents. “While Manimal is rebuilding our wastewater system we can focus on clearing roads, providing shelter, and returning power to residents. It’s a matter of utilizing what resources we have in the best way possible,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that it’s an honor to help the town so instrumental in the story of the drink company.

“As the birthplace of Manimal, Lahaina will always hold a special place in our hearts. When we learned how much damage 100 mph winds can cause, we were blown away. It makes you really appreciate how dangerous ultimate windsurfing can be. I learned about the sewer issues when delivering some emergency Manimal for the relief effort. I couldn’t believe another potential disaster was just waiting in the wings, when it rains it pours! I knew we had do something, so I got together with our best people, and told the Mayor we’d help take care of it, in exchange for branding and marketing rights. He agreed, and our civil engineers have devised an extreme drainage system able to handle the most extreme weather, and I may be biased, but the manhole covers look great!”

A massive marketing campaign has already begun to drum up public support for the unusual agreement. Manimal is running a number of commercials about the project and branded manhole covers have already turned up in a few neighborhoods. While most are happy to have a working sewer as soon as possible, no matter who builds it, there are some who worry that the drink company might cause long-term damage to the system. One resident says, “I appreciate the offer but what does Manimal know about combined drainage systems? My cousin Randy basically lives on Manimal, and I wouldn’t put him in charge of stacking blocks, let alone building something we all count on. I can’t believe the mayor agreed to this! What’s next, the Hailoha Parks Department, or the Abramo Meat Police? Bringing in a B-list celebrity to go over a slide presentation won’t change my opinion on the project either.”

As part of the marketing campaign, Manimal has held a number of informational meetings, hosted by their spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale. Offering a chance to look at various manhole designs and mock-ups of the new system, the meetings have been a hit with residents who’ve been forced to live in shelters. “I’m just spreading a message of hope and hydration,” says Kahale. “As a 19 time World Manimal Drinking Champion, I know a lot about processing excessive amounts of fluids. Manimal and hurricanes can be almost as intense going out, as they are going in, and this new combined sewer design is up to the task. Our “Storm Off” inlets regulate the flow of runoff water to a level that even the old system could swallow, eliminating the chance of future flooding. Knowing how many people were injured because of a lack of emergency shelters, we’ve included a number of refuge rooms in our designs as well. Now, in an emergency, your safety is only a manhole cover away. Worried that you might get bored waiting out the emergency? Don’t be. Many rooms include things like short rails for grinding, quarter pipes to practice basic tricks, and plenty of free standing structures to practice your parkour. It’s our pleasure to provide the residents of Lahaina a sewer system as radical as their lives.”

STORYLINE

Survivors Credit Manimal In Lahaina College Poisoning Incident

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Maui Police say a woman is facing charges after allegedly poisoning her fellow students, and guests attending a sorority fund raiser on Sunday. Officials say they were called to the University of Maui Lahaina College because 20-year-old Holly Kalili was being accused of poisoning dozens of students and guest attending a charity auction. According to the report, many in attendance became violently ill after consuming food that Holly brought. While a handful are still being treated at the Lahaina Medical Center for high levels of thallium, a heavy metal that has been used as a rat poison and ant killer, many more who consumed the tainted food are feeling fine this morning, and have an unusual theory why. Everyone who suffered no ill effects have one thing in common; they were drinking Manimal.

Police say they found approximately a dozen attendees of the annual Psi Pi Chi charity auction suffering from severe stomach pain and dizziness upon their arrival. The victims claimed that they had started feeling ill after consuming a clam dip that had a very bitter taste. Officers say that several students accused Kalili of putting something in the dip because of an argument between her, and several of her sorority sisters the previous night.

After questioning, Holly admitted that she had put “something” in the dip but claimed she didn’t know exactly what it was. Police say the students had been arguing all week about the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA). The law passed last year, established regulations on the use of Veil transportation to any of the Hawaiian islands and imposed a quota on the number of monthly visitors. According to Psi Pi Chi members, Kalili had been “acting crazy” about the issue all week, and had threatened to “do something” at the event.

While many had eaten the clam dip before the auction, relatively few suffered any symptoms, and most showed no trace of thallium in their systems. Medical officials had no explanation for the vastly different levels of thallium in the victims, but several students claim that they felt better after having a Manimal. They are crediting the energy drink with counteracting the poison, and potentially saving their lives.

Senior Kimberly Hekili says, “I’m still in shock over this whole thing. I knew that Holly wasn’t really Psi Pi Chi material for years now. You can’t think that restricting travel to Maui is acceptable, and still be a good person, but I never thought she’d do something to ruin our biggest fundraiser of the year. What she did was gross! I’m super happy that Bethany got so many cases of Fightberry Punch, it’s not my favorite flavor of Manimal, but it saved us, even if we couldn’t save the auction. It’s now the official energy drink of all Psi Pi Chi events. I just hope Holly can get the help she needs with everything that’s wrong with her now. I mean it’s a really long list, but she should have plenty of time to work on it in prison. We had tried severing ties with her this Fall, but we didn’t quite have the votes then. You can bet that we do now! I just have one thing to say to her, ‘Goodbye, Holly!’”

Health officials say it is unlikely that the energy drink counteracted the thallium, and other factors like: the amount of clam dip consumed, how well the poison was mixed into the food, and individual metabolisms, offer a much better explanation for why some individuals were sicker than others. However, they won’t know for sure until thorough lab work is complete.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that he would not be surprised if his company’s drink saved the day.

“We get so many letters and emails everyday about the amazing things Manimal does for our amazing customers. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that Manimal has the power to knockout thallium as well as mediocrity. What does surprise me in this case, is just how far college kids can take an argument now. I mean, when I was in college, if you didn’t like someone you just slowly pushed them out of the group. While they were confused and feeling vulnerable, you’d spread rumors and lies about them. If you were really angry, maybe you’d make a fake online profile and catfish them for a month or two. You know, that kind of stuff. We’d never try and poison each other. That is super uncool!”

Holly Hekili was charged with numerous counts of administering a noxious chemical and assault with a weapon. If convicted she faces up to 15 years in prison, and a fine up to $40,000, for each count.

STORYLINE

Manimal Infused “Turbo Ham” a Hit for Big Bites Stores

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Last month, one of Maui’s most famous business chains, Bob Abramo’s Big Bites convenience stores announced that it was partnering with Manimal, one of Lahaina’s most iconic brands, to offer one on the most unique energy products ever conceived, “Turbo Ham.” The energy drink company said that it had devised a way to infuse one of Hawaii’s favorite meats with its popular drink. Now Turbo ham is set to make its debut, exclusively at Big Bites stores starting next week. However, many are questioning the safety of the energy-infused meat, and the treatment of the animals used in the production process.

If the idea of eating a piece of Manimal laced ham sounds strange to you, you’re not alone. Since the company leaked a picture of Turbo Ham in its packaging, many believed it was a joke, or a publicity stunt. Even Manimal CEO Spencer Kane had his doubts about the product when it was first pitched, but after seeing how the process would work, and looking at sales predictions, he says he became a believer.

“Our product innovation team is second to none,” says Kane. “Like many I was skeptical when presented with the idea at first. I thought there was no way people would eat bright yellow or red ham, but then they explained that only the energy producing parts of Manimal would be infused into the meat, not the color. When they said we’d be partnering with Bob Abramo I was sold. Everyone knows that Bob is a meat genius. He is constantly pushing the envelope and our preconceived notions about lunch meat. With Manimal fueling that carnivorous creativity, I knew we’d come up with something special. I just didn’t know how special it would be. Turbo Ham is not your parents lunch meat. It’s the single greatest culinary innovation of our lifetime. Eat a couple of thin slices on a sandwich to help you get over that midday hump, or a big slab in the morning for all day energy. With Turbo Ham, our customers can finally eat and drink energy.”

Some however do not share Kane’s enthusiasm over Turbo Ham. Many remember last year’s partnership with SSHAM and all the problems surrounding SSHAM SLAM. The instability of the product left hundreds staring at a foul smelling slurry when they opened the can. The Manimal infused SSHAM was pulled off the shelf permanently only months after its debut.

In addition, there are serious questions surrounding the caffeine, turine, and guarana levels in the Manimal infused meat, and concerns over the treatment of the pigs used to make Turbo Ham. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has publicly denounced the product saying in a statement: “Force feeding pigs nothing but Manimal for 30 days is inhumane, and causes many substantial health and behavioral problems. Our investigation has uncovered numerous jittery, temperamental, and overstimulated animals, prone to fence climbing, extreme mud wallowing, and prolonged squealing. In some cases animals have been seen rolling excessively after a Manimal feeding or trying to do flips, something extremely dangerous to a 300lb+ animal. Therefore we must urge the public not to consume Turbo Ham, and call upon the appropriate government agencies to shut down this cruel operation.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC disputes the allegations of inhumane treatment, saying all Abramo farms comply with government regulations and are inspected regularly. She says that happy pigs make better tasting meat, and the pigs used to make Turbo Ham are among the happiest on the island. Essen claims that any behavioral changes in the pigs is due to the excess energy that a Manimal only diet provides. In addition, she says that the initial response over Turbo Ham has been so great that the company is planning on expanding into other Manimal charged products.

“Just like in people, Manimal gives these pigs some get-up-and-go, but I wouldn’t call running and jumping cruel. These pigs just have a little more pep than usual, which is exactly the point. There has to be a certain baseline level of Manimal in the animals for the infusion process to work correctly, and work it does! Turbo Ham is for anyone who’d like to chew their energy, and from the way the phone won’t stop ringing, that’s a lot of us. We’ve had so many people wanting to reserve a pack that our biggest concern right now is meeting demand.

In fact the demand has been so overwhelming that we’re already working on a new line of infused meat, Jerky Alert. While Turbo Ham keeps you powered all day, Jerky Alert is designed for those specific occasions you need just a little boost to help keep you awake. Whether you’re a student pulling an all-nighter for exams, a delivery driver working an extra shift, or a new parent exhausted from getting up all night, one bite of Jerky Alert can put you back in the game. It’s never been easier to eat yourself awake.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Unveils Plan For Public “Veil Stop” Network In Lahaina

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In the past two decades veil technology has changed the face of long distance travel. Veilcorp has made the dream of near instant world transit a reality and dominates the global business and leisure travel market. Now, with a new plan for a public transportation system in Lahiana, the company appears ready to change the way we move locally as well.

A joint project between Veilcorp and the Hawaiian government, the proposed “Veil Stop” network would see the company converting already existing bus stops in Lahaina into a series of small, interconnected veil stations. The plan is backed by Mayor Albert Cravalho who released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are proud to partner with Veilcorp in this amazing project. The County of Maui has long been a leader in technological adoption and environmental awareness. We look forward to being able to provide tourists and residents alike a safe and easy way to travel across the island, while doing even more to protect our beautiful and delicate natural areas.”

Brie Howard, Veilcorp’s VP of special projects and strategic growth, says that the program will revolutionize local travel and business.

“Without getting into specifics, we’ve made great progress in the past few years reducing the amount of energy required to power our veil technology. We’ve made the process efficient enough, with the same safety features, that our Veil Stop network is now viable. Much of what we need is already included in the bus stops. With a few minor additions and a little new wiring work, we can offer a unique travel experience for visitors who don’t want the hassle of traveling on a bus.”

Even though the buses running in the Lahaina area are completely electric, Howard points out that they still have some environmental impact through maintenance, wear and tear on the road, and a reliance on rare metals for the production of batteries. The Veil Stop network on the other hand, would largely rely on existing infrastructure and the solar production of 127 by the Icarus project for power. According to Howard the system would have virtually no negative impact on the environment. “The best part is that you’ll never have to ride the bus again,” says Howard. “Nothing can ruin a vacation like having to be trapped inside a vehicle with crying babies, inebriated travelers trying to hold it together over the bumps, and lost tourists shouting for the driver to stop every 100 yards.”

Residents and business owners alike have expressed excitement over the project since it’s announcement. One of the most enthusiastic has been Ralph Umeke, the owner and operator of the Lahaina favorite, Hula Noodle. Umeke says the network would be a boon to tourists and residents alike. “The buses run pretty late but there are always people who don’t make the last run for the evening. Usually, it’s people who’ve been enjoying themselves a little bit more than they should. That leaves them few options. Some choose to call Hailoha for a ride, but they are often belligerent. I know quite a few drivers who won’t pick up in certain areas at night, because they don’t want to deal with the hassle or spend hours cleaning up their back seats. Others try to walk back to their hotels but that can be dangerous and they often get lost. The worst are the people who get one of the public Manimal ATVs and somehow work around the breathalyzer interlocks. Anything that can keep those 4-wheeled menaces off the roads and lawns of Lahaina is a long-time coming if you ask me.”

Many residents are as thrilled as Umeke, and the Mayor’s office has been flooded with questions about how many, and which stops would be converted under the plan. Those living in areas where bus service was discontinued due to the expansion of the preservation zone, are especially eager to learn if the network could expand to these old stops as well.

John Driscol, one such resident, says he’d be delighted to see the program expand into the preservation zone.

“They took away all busing in my area 15-years-ago, both public and school routes. Since then, I’ve needlessly spent over 60 hours a year walking my kids to the next closest stop, or in some cases, the school itself. When you do the math, I’ve spent almost 38 days chained to unnecessary parental responsibility since the buses stopped running to our neighborhood. I can’t get those days back, but it’s not too late for other parents who love their leisure time but feel an obligation to ensure their children’s safety as well. I take comfort in knowing that this system has the potential to help new parents who haven’t had to endure what I have. In addition, the fact that I would be able to greatly reduce the amount of steps I’d have to take in a day, gives me hope. Looking at the location of old and existing bus stops, I believe I could reduce the number of steps I take in a busy day to under 2,000, and most days far less. I can’t get those school days back, but I might be able to greatly extend the life of my sandals, and that’s good enough for me.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Light Makes Its Debut Despite Criticisms

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Refreshment fans, hydration enthusiasts, and the curious alike, were lined up outside the Lahainaluna Road Big Bites store this morning, in anticipation of the debut of the first new Manimal product in almost four years. The company has been promoting Manimal Light as a “breakthrough in exhilaration, offering the same reinvigorating properties of regular Manimal, with 99.9% less calories.” However, many are calling the new formula a marketing scheme, and contend that Manimal Light is nothing but a can of hot air.

According to the promotional material, “Manimal Light is the culmination of years of hydration and energy science. Proven to be just as invigorating as 2 cups of coffee, in a paid, single-blind test, conducted on people who had just enjoyed a Manimal, Manimal Light is designed for everyone forced to cage their inner-Manimals for 8 hours a day at work. Whether you’re sitting in a cubicle, scanning barcodes, or stuck in a conference room, Manimal Light won’t hold you down with excess calories. Light your fuse with Manimal Light, and smolder until you’re ready to rage again.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product by fans, and the claims in the company advertisements, many are saying Manimal Light is nothing more than a marketing scheme. “It’s nothing more than a can of air with a tiny bit of Manimal atomized inside,” says Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, one of the new product’s most vocal critics.

“Back in the 1990’s oxygen bars began to popup all over the place. The thought was you could breathe scented, oxygen rich air to boost your health and well being. They made claims that it would enhance your immune system, increase your energy, and stave off headaches and hangovers. It was complete rubbish of course, just like Manimal Light. I mean, it says right on the can that it has to be kept at room temperature or above, so the Manimal stays a mist, and doesn’t revert back to a tiny bit of liquid at the bottom. Manimal Light isn’t lighter than air, it is air! I thought that “lurchin” was the stupidest thing I’d ever see someone do, but I was wrong. Paying money to smell what amounts to a mostly empty can of Manimal has to take the prize.”

Manimal says that the new product is simply the natural culmination of aromatherapy and refreshment science. The company points out that air stations have been available for people on the go in many cities like Tokyo, Beijing, and Mexico City for years. They claim that Manimal light is simply a less intense version of the Manimal their customers have grown to love, “perfect for work, wedding ceremonies, funerals, and other solemn occasions.” The company claims that inhaling one can of Manimal Light every morning has been shown to reduce inflammation of the lungs, and reduce the effects of asthma; a claim that every health and medical expert we contacted vigorously refuted.

In a press conference yesterday, Spencer Kane, company CEO and Manimal founder, said he was “super stoked” about including a new low-calorie option to the product line.

“Manimal Light has the same great smell as regular Manimal with 99.9% less calories. It’s like the smell of your morning cup of coffee, if that smell could slap you across the face, and fill you with the energy you need to make it through a day’s worth of boring meetings. More refined than Manimal Spray, the vaporized mist inside every can invigorates you on a molecular level. Look, everyone knows that West Maui has some of the best air in the world. That’s why we bottle every can right here in Lahaina. We’ve reversed exhaust fan 23 at our main bottling facility, long known as our most efficient from maintenance logs, to pull in that magical aloha air. Bottled at the source, and infused with the same Mainmal you’ve come to count on in when things get serious, Manimal Light will add to your energy and spirits, not your waistline.”

STORYLINE

Services At County Satellite Kiosks Remain Limited After Security Breach

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9 automated city hall kiosks remain closed today, after an apparent security breach that disrupted services and put the data of thousands in jeopardy. Hundreds have experienced ongoing issues with the Phxicom systems. Officials say that If the problem is not resolved by Saturday, they are considering asking police to waive citations to drivers with vehicle registration tags that expire this month.

“Yes, we are still experiencing outages and slower response times,” County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says. “It’s affecting vehicle registration, state IDs, moped and bicycle registration, out-of-state license transfers, bus passes, county tax records anything that affects Maui County having to access the City and County’s main frame. However, we are working hard with our Phxicom partners to fix the issues. In the meantime we are still able to process Hailoha renewals and provide disabled parking placards.”

Pahili says they have rolled back all Phxicom related changes to the system, and are tracking down the source of the changes. They have hired an outside security firm to go over the compromised systems to help assess the scope of the intrusions and identify any other potential problems. Officials urge users to change their passwords and PIN numbers, and remind residents that nobody from the county or Phxicom will ever ask for their passwords. Local tech gadfly Ano Lee says that he’s disappointed but not surprised that the kiosks were targeted. “Everyone knows how insecure Phxicom equipment is. When they installed their terminals in the preservation zone, people had a field day breaking into them. I would suggest the county listen closely to whatever their outside security firm says and act on their recommendations.”

What was supposed to be a model for the future of efficient governance and citizen interactions, has turned into a nightmare for Mayor Cravalho, Phxicom, and residents alike. Phxicom’s kiosks were supposed to provide citizens with a fast and easy way to conduct business and obtain a wide array of permits, passes, and licenses 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But the problems are not confined to customers trying to use the kiosks, many who’ve had their data exposed have experienced problems too.

Local noodle shop owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says that he received a notice last week that was quite a shock. “I don’t cheat anyone, not customers, not tourists, and certainly not the government. I pay my taxes on time and I’ve never even filed for an extension. Imagine my surprise when I got a notice that I had 90 days to come up with $105,573.60 for back taxes. According to the County I hadn’t paid my property taxes for the past 6 years. I told everyone they had to leave, closed the shop, and marched right down to Cravalho’s office to find out what the hell the problem was. They told me it was all the fault of that Phxicom AI.”

Following the success of SSHAM’s customer service AI Shawn, Phxicom began working on their own system to oversee the operations of the kiosks and Phxie was created. According to Scott Parata, Phxicom’s Regional Operations Manager, the AI was thoroughly tested before being put into service but fell victim to a group using social engineering techniques to gain access to sensitive systems. A statement released by the company reads in part,

“It appears that Phxie’s urge to be helpful led to some unintended consequences in this case. We have taken steps to improve its security protocols and have ensured nothing like this will happen again. We understand that the months of quality service before this incident is little comfort to those inconvenienced by this breach and we apologize. We would like to point out however, that Phxie continues to operate 11 more such programs across the islands efficiently and without incident. We’ve addressed the issues leading to this unfortunate event and are working hard to expedite any further delays and regain your trust.”

However, that trust may be hard to win back for some. Lahaina resident John Driscol says that the security breach didn’t just put his data at risk; It endangered his life. He says that an incorrectly cancelled buss pass left him stranded and afraid for his well being.

“The beaches are a little too busy for my tastes these days. Lately I’ve been taking the bus to the furthest stop from town and walking into the preservation zone for some peace and quiet. There’s a little stream I like to sit next to because the sound of the water drowns out the birds. Those things can really make a racket on a sunny day. Anyway, I got a little too comfortable and fell asleep. Next thing you know it’s dusk and I have run back to catch the last bus. When the reader scanned my pass it was denied. I tried a couple more times to no avail. I tried to tell the driver that the system was wrong, that I paid for a full year, but I was too winded from running. When I stepped off to catch my breath, he just left without me. I reached for my phone but I must have dropped it while I was running. My house is at least 9 miles from where I was. The farthest I’ve ever walked was 5 miles, and that was back in college. I knew it was going to be an ordeal but I didn’t have a choice, and started the long journey back. I made good time for the first couple miles but then fatigue began to set in. I stumbled for hours in the dark. I can’t tell you how cold it was. I’m not sure if they can test if you had hypothermia in the past or not, but I feel like I definitely had it that night. Finally, I saw some headlights. It was a tourist in one of those public Manimal ATVs. I usually make it a rule to never ride in one because of their reputation, but I was so cold that I took the risk. Phxicom and the County better hope I didn’t catch any weird forest disease while I was walking out there.”

STORYLINE

Local residents turn unclaimed items into big business

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Forgetting your bags or misplacing a souvenir while on vacation is something that everyone can relate to, but two local men have figured out a way to turn other people’s carelessness into cash. Lahaina’s own John Driscol and Randy Wilcox have joined the growing ranks of people purchasing abandoned freight and forgotten luggage and turning it into a big business.

It has been estimated that every year nearly $600 million worth of unclaimed commercial freight clogs up Veilcorp warehouses and holding facilities. The reasons vary greatly. Sometimes the cargo was simply forgotten, or the paperwork was incorrect. Often downsizing or a changeover of staff handling the shipping department is to blame. Occasionally a business will close or a shipper/receiver will pass away without an heir. Whatever the reason, when added to another $50 million in personal items and luggage left behind at thousands of Veilcorp stations, the number becomes quite impressive.

While Veilcorp donates or destroys some of the abandoned freight and luggage, the vast majority of it is auctioned off at weekly events across the globe. These auctions have given birth to a small industry of colorful characters and hopeful entrepreneurs who are willing to bid, sometimes sight unseen, on unopened bags and boxes in the hopes of striking it rich. Driscol says that opening a bag for the first time “feels like opening a present on Christmas morning. You’re just hoping it’s not full of socks or underwear.” Wilcox says that working the abandoned freight circuit is not for the feint of heart, “You can go days with nothing to bid on but pallets of toothbrushes or barrels of floor wax. You never know what’s going to show up in the next crate. It takes a special kind of person to deal with the uncertainty of it all, especially if you’re trying to do it for a living.”

Richard Brace, Head of Safety and Facilities at the Veilstation in Lahaina, has seen the auctions boom and agrees that you never know what will get sent through the veil. When asked about the strangest bit of unclaimed cargo he answers quickly. “The strangest thing ever to go unclaimed? That’s easy, a huge container of pig milk” he says. “I had to look twice and not just because of the misspelled label. The bar code was messed up so our readers wouldn’t function and we couldn’t find any record of it in the system. On top of that, the RFID tags were working on the wrong frequency. Everything about it just seemed a little off. I couldn’t wait to get it out of the warehouse.” John says he remembers the pig milk auction. “We got it really cheap and resold it to a friend who works at SSHAM. I think they were working on a cheese flavor at the time.”

While it’s true that there is a number of oddities left behind, it’s not all bulk dental products, wax, and pig milk according to Driscol. He says that sometimes there’s gold in those bags, literally.

“I’ve known Randy for a while and he had been bugging me to go to an auction with him to check it out. To be honest, it sounded like a lot of work. I don’t like standing in one place for too long, I’m more of a sitter. Also, I was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be anyplace to get something to drink if I got thirsty or a decent bathroom. I told him that I didn’t like taking care of my own laundry, let alone digging through someone else’s out of a suitcase. But he kept pushing and pushing and finally I gave in. I bought the very first piece of luggage that was up for sale, just so that I could leave and find someplace comfortable to wait for the auction to end. When I opened it up I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right on top was a plastic case filled with gold coins. You have to understand something. I’ve wanted to be a pirate since I was a kid, not for the fighting, drinking, or sailing but for the treasure. Digging a hole and finding gold always seemed like the perfect job to me. Here I found gold and I didn’t even have to dig; it was awesome! I knew I was hooked.”

While John focuses on smaller items and collectibles, Wilcox usually sets his sights on bigger prizes, and is even trying to leverage the increased public interest into a reality show.

“I keep my eyes peeled for great deals and things I can flip quickly. I don’t like to gamble as much as John. I try to purchase anything that I think my fans would like to see me break, ride, or use on my YouTube channel, or that I can incorporate into my backyard wrestling operation. You have no idea how high your folding chair and fluorescent light bulb bill can get after just a couple tag-team matches. If it wasn’t for the live streaming with my X-eyez app and these auctions, I wouldn’t be able to afford our steel cage events.”

Unlike most of his followers, it wasn’t the stunts or drop-kicks that piqued the interest of Board Entertainment, Layla Kalani’s production company, but rather Randy’s broadcasting of the auctions. “They said John and I had something special and wanted to work with us to develop a show about our lives and the culture surrounding the auctions. It’s called “Veil Sale” and we’ve shot a couple episodes already. It’s been great so far. John loves the craft services and I can’t wait to see how many new fans will join my channel. I never dreamed that I’d be discovered thanks to forgotten stuff.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center’s Hot Yoga Program Raises Concerns

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Well known for their exclusive clientele, as well as their unconventional classes and treatments, the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is often the subject of media attention. However, it is not the latest Layla Kalani sighting that has the spa in the news today, it’s the centers first offsite hot yoga program. With classes such as Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing, and Mindful Chewing, you might wonder why Kokua’s hot yoga class is in the news. The answer to that is simple, this hot yoga class is taught near an active lava field.

According to Sebastian Malu, barr-a-loha and lava yoga instructor, hot yoga has many benefits. It can: cleanse toxins from the body due to profuse sweating, increase lung capacity, and circulation, boost the body’s immune system and regenerative properties, increase flexibility, and help with weight loss. He points out that a person who performs 90 minutes of hot yoga can burn over 700 calories. Nonetheless, Malu says his brand of hot yoga offers many more benefits.

“Though we try to pretend otherwise, the four fundamental elements are essential to good health and overall well-being. The truth of this is undeniable. The benefits of water aerobics and aqua therapy are well known. We are only beginning to understand how beneficial things like acrobatics and aerial exercise can be to happiness and balance. While those practices focus on the restoration of only one element, lava yoga harnesses the power of earth to keep you grounded and fortify your spirit, as well as invigorating your mana with fire, using that powerful energy to manifest your interpersonal goals.”

Taught at the foot of Kilauea’s most active lava field, Malu says his yoga classes are so popular that they are fully booked for the next three years. “I’m in the process of hiring an assistant so we can let more people experience the power of lava yoga, but the screening process is long and quite involved.”

Though the possibility of being covered in magma while in “dolphin” pose, may seem terrifying to some, Malu says that lava yoga is quite safe. “We recommend that all of our students wear fire retardant clothing just to be safe, but honestly, there’s very little chance of being seriously burned. Heat resistant suits are much too bulky to wear during lava yoga, so your proximity to the magma is limited. I tend to teach the class a blistering few hundred feet away, but I tell beginners to double that, and be mindful of the wind. Lava yoga is perfectly safe and may be the most complete physical and spiritual exercise ever conceived.”

Despite Malu’s reassurances many experts say that lava yoga is dangerous, and potentially deadly. They point out that lava is not the only danger of being near a volcano, it is often the gases released from the ground that are the most deadly. Greg Iona from the DLNR says, “The flow in the area is slow enough generally that I’m not concerned about people being overrun by lava, it’s a cloud of carbon dioxide settling down and asphyxiating people that I’m worried about. There are a number of harmful gases that should cause these people concern: sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrochloric acid and carbon monoxide, just to name a few. There’s a reason volcanologists usually wear some sort of respiratory device while working near a volcano.”

Despite warnings from experts, many are willing to take the chance, and find the prospect of exercising in the shadow of a volcano exhilarating. Professional drinker, and Manimal spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale credits lava yoga with revitalizing his career.

“I’ve swallowed thousands of gallons of Manimal in my career, but I couldn’t swallow losing the Red Bottle 5-years-ago. It was a real low point. For 9 years I had been able to drink more Manimal, faster than anyone on the planet. It was everything to me, and when I lost, I lost more than the title. I lost who I was. Then I met Sebastian, and my life changed forever. He explained I had been living an unbalanced life. I had flooded my inner fire and earth. If I was going to get back on top, I needed to get rid of some of my water, and imbue myself with other energies. He was right. You wouldn’t believe how much you can ring out of my clothes after a session of lava yoga, it could fill a kiddie pool! I’ll be honest, the smell is pretty bad, and so are the vapors coming from the volcano. It’s like someone shoved rotten egg salad wrapped in burning hair up your nose, but you can’t argue with the results. I won my title back last year, and plan on defending it in a few months. They say the strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire. I don’t know anything about that, but I can tell you that lava yoga has my desire burning hotter than ever, and man am I thirsty!”