STORYLINE

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

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Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

“It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

STORYLINE

Emergency Moving Service a Hit With the Public and Homeowners Alike

There’s no doubt that some of the most gorgeous properties on the big island are in the Puna, Kua, and Kona districts. The near perfect weather, breathtaking views, and surprisingly affordable home prices may make the areas seem like a dream come true for those wanting to own a bit of Hawaii’s beauty. However, they are not without one big danger. Much of the area is located within lava zones, making the prospect of losing not only your home and possessions, but your life as well, a real possibility. Worse still, is the fact that during an active lava flow, it is up to most homeowners to gather their things, and make their escape on their own. But a new high-risk, emergency moving service is helping property owners facing a complete loss a chance to save some of their most beloved items.

Randy Wilcox, star of the hit reality show Veil Sale, where he and a partner purchase abandoned freight and forgotten luggage at Veilcorp warehouse auctions, has come up with an emergency moving business, specializing in servicing those in the path of lava. “I don’t like to do anything unless it stimulates me. I would never work for a traditional moving service, with all the packing and scheduling, but ‘Go With Dah Flow’ is different. It’s the first moving service of its kind, and the best hope for people facing the prospect of watching everything they worked for, disappear underneath encroaching magma.”

While, It is possible to buy insurance in an area deemed a lava zone by The United States Geological Survey (USGS), the policies are hard to find, expensive, and extremely limited. Before Go With Dah Flow, a homeowners best bet was to keep a close eye on USGS predictions, have an emergency travel bag, and accept that some of their possessions would be claimed by magma. While it’s not a common occurrence, many facing the prospect of dealing with a lava flow swear by the service.

37-year-old Puna resident Kai Iosua says Go With Dah Flow saved almost all of her most prized possessions, even if they weren’t exactly careful with her house.

“Less than 90 minutes after I called Go With Dah Flow for help, I heard a loud buzzing over the house. I was scrambling to pack up some old pictures, and letters from my grandfather, and wondered if the power lines were coming down. Just then, a woman in work overalls crashed through my kitchen window, rolled over the table, and said, ‘Give me a list of your top ten favorite pieces of furniture and where they are.’

Before I had time to process what was going on, the front door was kicked in, and a man was asking me about any pets or collectables. More people came in, and they started to cut a hole in my roof. I saw that the buzzing noise above the house was one of those construction drones with a cargo net. When I settled down, and could answer their questions, I was amazed at how efficient they were. While my house took quite a beating, they had everything packed up in no time. The whole thing took less than an hour. In the end, the lava stopped well-short of the house, and now I have quite a repair bill, but Go With Dah Flow did everything they promised. Next time I won’t be so quick to pull the lava alarm.”

Wilcox says that it’s the stories of happy customers like Iosua’s that makes the work so much fun. “I was part of a community patrol group looking for embers and burning ash in Lahaina during the Lanai wildfires earlier this year. I learned a lot with those people, but I couldn’t help but think that we should be doing more for the people losing their homes. One of the group started talking to me about these lava zones on the big island, and how hard it was for those people in the path of an active flow. We had a meeting, worked out some financing, and a bunch of us started Go With Dah Flow. It’s been one of the best decisions of my life. My views on YouTube and Glimpsea channels have never been higher.

We have a heavy duty construction drone, and a group of trucks with solid tires, aluminum nitride ceramic floor pans, and tungsten drive trains. Of course, none of that would save a truck, or the people inside, should it get stuck in an active lava flow, but it makes some of the team feel better. While some have called our methods careless or gratuitously destructive, I like to think of them as efficient.

Look, when someone calls us it’s because their home is about to be buried in molten rock. It’s already lost. Our only concern is to get important belongings out as fast as we can. If that means breaking some doors, knocking down a wall or two, or removing sections of the roof, well that’s what needs to be done. Besides, if we finish early it gives us a chance to see how close we can get to the flow before the truck’s tires start to melt. Some of the team has a different definition of “acceptable risk” than our insurance company.”

Wilcox says that if all goes well with Go With Dah Flow, he’d like to expand into other areas of the emergency moving business including floods, industrial accidents, and hurricanes. “I just wish we had more severe earthquakes on the islands, and better prediction models. I can only imagine how many views I’d get if I could jump one of the moving vans over a freshly opened chasm.”

STORYLINE

Man Wielding Leiomano Arrested Following Police Confrontation

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Lahaina Police arrested an unnamed man Sunday evening, who they say brandished a shark tooth club, or leiomano, stolen from the Lahaina Museum. Officials say the man went on a rampage: destroying property, and stealing items from a nearby Big Bites store, before leading police on a chase through the museum, where he was able to elude capture. The suspect was finally arrested in the Baby Beach area after a confrontation that police on scene described as “terrifying.” The unidentified man is being held under observation at the Lahaina Medical Center pending a full psychological examination, and drug screen.

Craig Luahi says he had know idea he was going to be involved in a manhunt Sunday afternoon, and was just enjoying sitting on his couch, binge watching the latest season of Veil Sale. Soon after settling in, Luahi heard a noise in the backyard and went to investigate. What he saw was unexpected to say the least.

“There was a guy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and a boonie hat who was trying to chop down a tree in my backyard. I yelled at him, and he spun around with an axe in his hand, and a look in his eye I didn’t like. He was acting real crazy, asking me what year it was, talking about the Veil Station blowing up, and the world ending. It really freaked me out, and I started to back-up when he said he needed some twine and wood to make splints. I don’t know about you, but when a crazy guy holding an axe asks me for something, I try really hard to get it. I told him that I thought I had some rope and scrap wood in the garage he was welcome to, and ran inside to call the police. By the time they arrived he was gone.”

Police say that soon after responding to Luahi’s home they received a call about a disturbance at a nearby Big Bites store where an individual matching the suspects description was threatening employees, and stealing items. According to employees the man seemed most interested in the store’s supply of SSHAM. “He kept saying that it was worth its weight in gold. Stuff about poison gas, and the world ending. I told him I was calling the cops and he better leave. He said the cops weren’t as bad as Trophy Hunters, whatever that means, but as soon as we heard the sirens he took off out the back door.”

The suspect ran several blocks while police set up a perimeter. Within minutes he was spotted running inside the Lahaina Heritage Museum, and a foot chase ensued. Despite their best efforts, the man was able to escape with a traditional shark-toothed club that was on display as part of the museum’s Hawaiian Ancestors Exhibit. Drones were launched, and dogs were brought in to help track the assailant.

Video footage of the man was sent to all social media channels, and officials attempted to find the suspect using Glimpsea’s Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH), to no avail. The search continued for almost eight hours before a terrifying confrontation with police led to his capture.

The arresting officer says in his report: “It was unusually cloudy, with fog rolling in, so it was hard to see. At first I thought he was officer Owano, who was also searching the beach area for the suspect. I called out but he didn’t answer. He just walked closer. I yelled again, and he started to jog my way. As he got closer I could see he was holding something large with both hands off to his side. I pulled my weapon, but I had waited too long. He swung the leiomano and one of the teeth caught my hand, making me drop my sidearm. He was screaming that he needed to find someplace safe to wait out “the worst of it”. He said we needed to leave him alone, and go be with our families. I tried reasoning with him, but he swung again striking my leg. I fell, and tried to grab onto the suspect before he could swing again. It was then that officer Owano arrived on scene, deployed his taser, and we were able to secure the subject.”

Police say the man refuses to identify himself, and his fingerprints are not on file. The leiomano has been returned to the museum where it will have to be repaired. The suspects motives remain as mysterious as his identity this morning. Officials say they are still waiting for bloodwork and his psych evaluation but it is highly likely that he was suffering from a severe reaction to illicit drugs, or from some sort of mental break. However, local author Kevin Morrow has a different theory. “Violent survival style video games are to blame,” he says.

“It’s amazing to me that things like this don’t happen more often. Some of these games can feel so authentic that it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real, and what isn’t for some. I’ve heard stories of young people collapsing from exhaustion trying to collect minerals by hitting rocks, or trying to shape boards with nothing but an axe. I’m not surprised at all that the weapon was stolen from the museum. One of the most common tropes in these types of games is discovering a sort of armory, where an individual can find numerous weapons to aid in their “quests”. The museum exhibit must have seemed like one of these areas to this poor man, further feeding his psychosis. If we want to be serious about protecting museum antiquities we need to start screening people who play these types of games. I feel bad for this confused individual, and hope hospital staff have begun to transition him into shape matching games, exposing him to the joy of checkers, or a simple card game, something that lacks the power to inspire this violent “questing” behavior.”

STORYLINE

Reparre Debuts Next-Gen Spinal Orthotics at Expo

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When it comes to durable medical equipment Reparre Biologic may not be the first company that comes to mind. Better known for their customized DNA medicine and tailored stem cell technology, the company is expanding their medical equipment business with a line of cervical collars and hi-tech halos that have made a big splash at this year’s Medical Orthotics Expo in Lahaina. The company says their new state-of-the-art equipment adapts to specific individuals, reducing pain and healing times by as much as 30%.

It is estimated that as many as 25,000 Hawaiians suffer from a serious neck injury each year. These injuries can be quite painful, with long recovery times, lasting many months in some cases. Up until now, patients who suffered such injuries had few options in orthotics, none of which were particularly comfortable.

Shawn Hastings, President of Reparre, says, “The braces and collars available for people suffering from spinal injuries were absolutely archaic. The medical halo hadn’t changed much in almost 100 years. Just think about that. Imagine doctors still advising lobotomies for depression, treating cancer with shark cartilage, or recommending a brand of healthy cigarette? Obviously we’ve come a long way since then, and our new line or spinal and neck orthotics are a giant leap forward for the industry.

Our cervical collars adjust automatically to fit every shape and size of patient, and deliver ultrasonic stimulation therapy, all while relaying medical information in real time to our integrated home monitoring system. Our halo rings are self adjusting saving hours of painful positioning and xrays. In addition, they are able to deliver our customized DNA medicine to specific areas automatically, decreasing recovery times by up to 30%.”

“It’s truly amazing,” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe of the Lahaina Medical Group. “I’ll need to look at the trials more closely, but my initial thoughts are that we’re entering a new era when it comes to the treatment of spinal injuries. They’ve been able to not only save the lives of over a dozen patients suffering from an internal decapitation, an injury where the spine becomes detached from the skull, with a 70% mortality rate, but those patients recovered fully in less than 2 months with no lasting neurological effects. This will profoundly change the lives of hundreds of thousands worldwide every year, and offer many some bit of hope where there was none before. I can’t wait to see some of this equipment in use first hand.”

Despite the excitement in the medical community, a small group have been protesting the expo because of Reparre’s involvement. The company has faced heavy backlash over the past few months after a video, purported to be filmed at a Reparre facility, showed ghastly experiments being conducted on animals. The company has denied the claims, and The Office for Protection from Research Risks (OPRR) has cast doubts on its authenticity.

One of the protesters, Sebastion Malu, leader of the Eternal Cycle Church and former Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that Reparre is indoctrinating the public into a false narrative, and his group is trying to “pull back the curtain of lies to enlighten humanity.”

“The truth of the matter is that the human body responds best to natural healing, clean water, and sunlight. This convention is all about coming up with ways to convince the public of big pharma’s lies, and to feed the greed of the medical establishment. If you listened to them you’d think it was a miracle that people made it before modern medicine at all. They talk about vaccines, antibiotics, and genetic predispositions, as if a person could be born into sickness on their own without being poisoned by their pharmaceuticals. People in our current form have existed for at least 300,000 years, and luckily we’ve only been subjected to modern “medicine” for the last 2,000. We routinely see things like cancer, anxiety, and autoimmune diseases now, when they never existed in the past.

My experience has taught me that neck injuries, no matter how severe, can be easily treated at home with acupuncture, tonal therapies, and massage. I think most people would be surprised what can be done with a taro leaf compress and liberal use of essential oils. In fact, many types of serious maladies, such as organ failure, can be treated with fresh ocean air and mindful breathing practices. Modern medicine is a business and business is about money. Reparre perfectly sums up this truth. Nothing here respects nature and the wisdom of our ancient forefathers. This is not about healing, this about making people dependent on these hi-tech collars of submission.”

STORYLINE

Chilean Resort Set To Debut Veil Lift System

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There’s no doubt that the tourism economy has seen a huge boost in the past 10 years thanks to Veilcorp gateway technology. No single share of that boost has been bigger than the one seen by luxury destinations. Some analysts predict that this year, the total contribution of travel and tourism to the global economy will top $15 trillion. With those kind of numbers it’s no wonder why so many high-end ski resorts have popped up in the South America.

Nestled in the Andes just a short drive Northeast of Santiago is Villa del Derrochador. There are a lot of destination resorts in the area now, but Derrochador remains the standard by which all other are measured. It is their newest feature on their main slope however, that will put them miles ahead of the competition.

Each of their 30 suites comes with a personal butler to attend to your every need, and is personally decorated to your wishes before you arrive. Staff will craft a home away from home if you want with furnishings similar to your own, including family pictures. If you would prefer a more rustic look with indigenous Mapuche art or modern asian trappings, the Villa can accommodate you too.

Drink cocktails with hand crafted cubes carved from 10,000-year-old glacial ice in the lavious dining area. The chef cooks over heated lava rock using native high-elevation herbs and flowers instead of traditional condiments to produce some of the best seafood dishes in the world. A warm bowl of his award winning Valdiviano is close to heaven.

After a long day on the slopes feel free to warm-up in the heated infinity pool or enjoy a glass of their award winning wine. Did I mention that you can take one of the onsite helicopters for a ride to tour their private vineyard? Couple all these amenities with the low number of guests, and you can feel like the slopes are your private ski sanctuary. It is no wonder that Villa del Derrochador tops the list of South American getaways. But just when you thought it couldn’t get any more opulent, the Villa is set to unveil its greatest attraction yet.

In combination with the Chilean government and Veilcorp, Derrochador will debut the most expensive ski lift system in the world because there are no lifts. On the main slope skiers will now be veiled from the bottom to the top. “When you go on a ski vacation you want to ski, not sit in an uncomfortable chair up the slope, or worse yet, inside a little box crammed with others for long periods of time. With our new system our guests can be back to the top in less than 20 seconds after a run,” says Villa director Hector Alonso.

Alonso says the new veil lift is the culmination of years of work between Veilcorp, the government, and Derrochador. Officials have been quietly installing and testing the system for months and plan on highlighting the system as a key feature in a future advertising campaign. A local official says, “The people at Veilcorp and Villa del Derrochador have been wonderful to work with and it is our hope that this will further make the case that there is no better place to ski in the world. I can’t wait to try out the lift myself!”

While Alonso is excited about the lift too he has his eyes set on even bigger prizes. “Eventually we’d like to get the lift system working immediately during a run. We envision a time in the near future where your trip down the hill only ends when you want it to. Imagine being instantaneously transported to the top of the slope while you’re still skiing. You could literally ski all day. That is our immediate goal. We’re working closely with Veilcorp engineers and I think we are close,” he says.

That’s not all. The bigger plan according to Veilcorp sources in Lahaina is the creation of a number of partner resorts spread across the world with linked systems. Imagine making a run down your favorite slope in Nevada and near the end finding yourself at the top of the trail at Derrochador, then on a beach in Maui ready to enjoy the breeze and a few hours of surfing to warm up. A skier could make one long continuous run down all of his or her favorite destinations and end the day watching the sunset while riding the waves. “The price? It would be incredibly expensive. This would be a bucket list thing for most people, but in my experience fun is always expensive,” the source says. Personally, I can think of no better way to spend a lifetime of savings than on the ultimate ski/surf package.

Jeff Curtis
Lifestyle Editor
Destination Ski Magazine

STORYLINE

Mayor to Address “Clean the Lane” Campaign in Public Hearing

What began as a very public neighborhood dispute has spilled over into the Lahaina political arena, as the “Clean the Lane” movement continues to gain steam. This morning, Mayor Albert Cravalho announced that he will be holding a public hearing regarding the future of preservation zone compliance liaison Elizabeth Stonegate, the focus of the campaign. Critics contend that Stonegate is unfit for the position and that she has failed to embrace and embody the “Aloha Spirit” that should represent the island.

According to Shelby Pio, Tanager Lane resident and leader of the Clean the Lane campaign, it all started with a decorative broom displayed on her front porch. Pio’s children are members of a Veil Scout troop and were learning about the art and culture of the native Hawaiians. They had invited a number of local artists who specialize in traditional creations to explain the history and significance of early Hawaiian art. Shelby says that her HOA president Elizabeth Stonegate demanded that one of the art pieces, a broom adorned with boar tusks, be removed from the property because it was “a potentially dangerous weapon”. When she refused, Stonegate fined her and promised to add additional fines everyday that the broom remained on her porch.

For many residents, including Pio, it was the last straw. Shelby accuses Stonegate of a long history of incompetence, hostility, and pettiness that has had a negative impact on the neighborhood and Lahaina in general. Outraged by Stonegate’s decision to punish Shelby over a piece of Hawaiian heritage, others began displaying similar brooms on their porch. News reports about their subsequent fining did nothing but fan the flames in the neighborhood. With the motto, “she can’t fine us all” the movement spread throughout Tanager Lane and across the Lahaina. Residents are displaying brooms or “Clean the Lane” signs as far as Block Rock Beach, and calls for Elizabeth’s removal as compliance officer have grown.

Stonegate has released a statement that reads in part,

“My job as HOA president and compliance liaison are very similar. I ensure that the rules are being followed and protect the association, as well as the preservation zone, to the best of my ability. I regret my initial reaction to the broom, but I had no idea something like that could be considered art. I now realize the benefit of teaching children about how far we’ve come as a society, and to help them appreciate that we don’t have to live like barbarians anymore. I’ve tried to explain my actions and apologize, but Shelby and the media have twisted my words, and made any meaningful dialogue impossible. Now, they want to remove me as compliance officer over a ‘lack of Aloha spirit?’ I’m not sure what that even means. I look forward to the public hearing so I can explain myself clearly, without the bias of the local news.”

Pio says she’s not surprised that Stonegate doesn’t understand the backlash. In fact, she says that is precisely the issue. “Starting in 2017, Hawaii started giving children the Character Skills Snapshot test to measure a child’s intellectual curiosity, teamwork, resilience, open-mindedness, initiative, responsibility, self-control, and social awareness. The State recognized that character was just as important to cultivate as traditional subjects in school. Hawaii has a long history of including kindness, and a sense of decency into their goals and politics. It is important to us, and something that is beyond Elizabeth’s comprehension.”

Shelby points out that the government has actually defined Aloha spirit in the Hawaii Revised Statutes HRS 5-7.5. “….’Aloha Spirit’ is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others….” Pio says that Stonegate exhibits none of these characteristics and is doing irreparable harm to the image of Lahaina.

“The broom incident wasn’t the biggest issue, just the final shot in Stonegates war against civility,” says Pio. “Her list of mean spirited disasters and poor decisions is a long one. She has: Forcibly removed a beloved therapy animal from the neighborhood, created a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear across the island with an anonymous reporting app, approved the use of dangerous, untested maintenance drones in the neighborhood, and oversaw an ill-advised wall project that trapped 4 children, including her own son, underground for almost a week. Elizabeth Stonegate represents none of our ideals, and has no idea what having the Aloha Spirit means. Every day she is allowed to work in an official capacity is a slap in the face to everyone who embraces Hawaiian values, and does real harm to the image of Lahaina. We plan on cleaning the lane of Mrs. Stonegate, and hope the mayor will see the wisdom in removing this blemish on the reputation of Lahaina as well.”

Mayor Cravalho says he plans on delivering his official statement at the meeting, but he is, “concerned about some of the reports that have come into the office over the past few weeks.” Due to the expected high turnout, the public hearing will be held in the Pu’u high school gymnasium this Thursday, starting at 7pm.

STORYLINE

Raccoons Drunk On Fermented Pineapple Cause Rabies Scare In Lahaina

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Lahaina residents can breathe easier today after The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) announced that over a dozen raccoons suspected of being rabid have tested negative for the disease. Over the past month, hundreds of calls were placed to officials from concerned citizens about overly aggressive raccoons in Lahaina neighborhoods, and even some stumbling down the middle of Front street. However, tests now confirm that the animals weren’t infected by the deadly virus, but were instead drunk from eating fermented pineapple.

It seems that wherever you go in Lahaina these days you’ll eventually run across an abandoned box of pineapple. With their automated pineapple picking drones, Ananas Farms brought back a booming pineapple industry to Maui and the future of the farm looked great. However, trouble began a few months ago, when the farm announced an exclusive partnership with Alohagistics to distribute Ananas fruit. The move was supposed to provide residents with cheaper pineapple at the peak of ripeness. Unfortunately, critic’s concerns about a service that relies heavily on volunteer crowd-sourced employees, have turned out to be right. Abandoned Alohagistics boxes filled with rotting pineapple have caused issues with flies, terrible smells, and now, drunk raccoons.

Ano Lee, famed inventor and part owner of Ananas Farm, says his company has been maligned unfairly, and the DLNR is responsible for the raccoons in the first place.

“I understand that nobody wants to see or smell a box filled with twenty pounds of rotting pineapple, except the flies and raccoons I guess, but people are acting like it’s a major public health issue or something. I mean it’s just fruit that’s gone bad. Everyone has found an old forgotten banana of orange in their fridge at some point. It’s not a big deal. The real problem here is the raccoons. The DLNR program that brought them here has obviously failed because they’re out getting hammered instead of eating invasive crayfish like they’re supposed to. You can’t blame them really. You bring anything to Maui from someplace else, and it’s going to get hammered on fruit drinks eventually. Why should the raccoons be any different than the tourists?”

DLNR spokesperson Greg Iona, says that officers are doing everything they can to humanely capture the raccoons, but says the organization is hampered by budget concerns. “I think it’s clear that our limited raccoon release program to combat the invasive Red Swamp Crayfish hasn’t worked as well as we had hoped. At the time it seemed like a natural addition to our “Eat The Pests” campaign. Unfortunately, as we all know a few raccoons escaped, and despite our best efforts, there is now a thriving population. We simply don’t have the money or manpower at this point to fully eradicate the animals. However, if the public follows some of our simple guidelines such as not feeding pets outside, and always covering trash, we can go a long way to combating the problem. Obviously, leaving what amounts to be an open bar for them laying around is not something we endorse. Clearly, these companies need to held accountable. Luckily, the raccoons turned out to be angry drunks in this case and not rabid. We continue to urge the public not to try and capture any animal acting strangely. Call us instead.”

Despite Iona’s warning about interacting with the raccoons, many business owners say they have no choice but to trap the pests themselves. Some have been forced to hire pest removal or wildlife relocation services to combat the nightly wave of hungry bandits. While most are still angry about the raccoons, and the recent rabies scare, at least one business owner says he feels more sympathy for the animals now. One of the loudest voices in Lahaina, Bob Abramo, says he understands the plight of the masked mammals.

“Look, I’m no ring tail lover believe me. I don’t really see the point of most animals unless they’re delicious or can fetch to be honest. But now that I know that many of them were just drunk, and looking for a quality meal, things are different. There are dozens upon dozens of eateries in Lahaina, but none of them have had the problems with raccoons that we’ve had at the Chop House. There were many nights that the cooks would have to put on oven mitts, triple-up their aprons like armor, and grab the sturdiest pan they could find before running the trash panda gauntlet on the way to the dumpster. The chittering hordes were too much for a lot of them, and we lost some good dishwashers when the rabies scare started. But everyone can relate to the drunken munchies. All you want is to sink your teeth into your favorite food, and that’s what these things were doing. Not only do we have the most delectable dishes in town, we also have the tastiest garbage. Our alley full of raccoons every night proves it. I feel honored that even something as simple as a raccoon can recognize the Abramo quality that my customers have come to expect. I still hate them of course, and would be dishing out bowls full of raccoon stew if they were even remotely palatable, but I have a little more respect for them now.”

STORYLINE

Man With Goose Phobia Calls Food Delivery Service For Help Scaring Away Birds

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A Lahaina area man with a severe phobia of geese found himself face to face with his worst fear Saturday night, when a group of nene surrounded his home just before dusk. After calling for help from his neighbors, the police, and animal control, to no avail, 48-year-old Kevin Morrow devised an unorthodox solution to his problem. He ordered a meal from the popular Hailoha-Eats delivery service, and asked the delivery driver to scare off the offending birds.

According to Morrow it was an ordinary Saturday evening. He was busy working on his latest book, outlining the danger food carts present to traditional family dinner rituals, when his dog Howie began to bark uncontrollably. Looking out the window, Kevin’s worst nightmare came true when he saw his yard was filled with nene.

Suffering from an acute fear of the state bird, he tried calling his neighbors for help, but they didn’t answer the phone. He next tried the police, but was told that they didn’t handle goose removal, and he should try animal control if they were still in the yard in the morning. Desperate for help, it was then that Morrow spotted the Hailoha-Eats flyer.

“I have more than a few phobias,” says Morrow “I suffer from: meleagrisphobia, the fear of turkeys, alektorophobia, the fear of chickens, and anatidaephobia, the fear of geese. Actually, I find most birds and many social situations to be daunting at the very least. It’s the geese that’s the worst though. There’s just something terrible in the way they walk and sound. They’re so aggressive! To be honest, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t get any support from my neighbors. I’ve learned that they have little interest in hearing my opinions about their duty to mow the sections of my lawn that their kids play on, let alone scare off dozens of geese there. However, the fact that the police refused to help was very disappointing. When I learned I’d have to wait until morning to call animal control, I could feel myself beginning to spiral into a full blown panic attack. It was then the Hailoha-Eats pamphlet caught my eye. I use the service often, and knew that every order has a “Special Instructions” section. I made the call, turned off the lights so the geese couldn’t see me with their demonic-beady-little-eyes, and waited for help.”

Within minutes delivery driver Mark Me’e pulled into Morrow’s driveway, only to find a dark house. “The order came with a request that read ‘Help with birds,’” says Me’e. “Since it was Peking duck with extra crepes, and a side of foie gras, I thought maybe it was someone who needed help dishing out the food or something. But when I turned on my brights to make sure I had the right address, I saw what it really meant. There were dozens of geese on top of the house, and a bunch more came walking up from the side yard. I half expected Tippi Hedren to appear. None of them were making any noise. They were just looking at me. It was one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen.

I honked the horn to scare them away but they all squawked back at me, almost in unison. Honk. Squawk. Honk. Squawk. I rolled down the window to shout at them, and it was then that I noticed that I didn’t hear any bugs or other animals. It was completely silent. I called the customer contact number, and after going to voicemail a few times, Kevin answered. I asked what was going on; he explained his phobia, and said he was pretty sure they would hurt him if he went outside. He begged me to help scare them away, and I said I’d do my best.

They weren’t acting like normal nene. When I opened the door, a bunch of them put their heads low, and made a straight line towards me. It freaked me out so much that I got back in the car, and called Kevin again. I told him that I just drive people around, and deliver food, wrangling disturbing geese was above my paygrade. He sounded so scared though, that I couldn’t just leave him in there. I remembered that I had some emergency flares in the trunk, and told Kevin that I’d need him to draw the bird’s attention so I could get to them. He turned on the lights inside, and all the geese ran to the windows. I popped the trunk and ran to get the flares. I could see some of them turn back to me as I sprinted around the car. I grabbed the flares, lit a couple, and began throwing them in the yard while screaming at the top of my lungs. I can only imagine what it must have looked like to anyone driving past, but it worked. They flew off together, and I gave Kevin his food and a big hug. It’s a delivery I’ll never forget.”

Unusual animal encounters are on the rise in Lahaina, and this incident has many guessing what may have caused the strange behavior in the usually shy geese. Some say it is shifting climate patterns forcing the birds to seek out food in new places, while others place the blame firmly on Veilcorp, their travel technology, and their solar 127 harvesting program. The Department of Land and Natural Resources is expected to release the findings of their investigation into the issue later this year.

Whatever the outcome of the DLNR’s investigation, Morrow says he can’t thank Mark enough, and just wishes he could reward him more for his actions.

“There aren’t a lot of people who would have done what Mark did. I believe he saved Howie and I that evening. That’s why it was so hard to only rate him 3 out of 5 stars and reduce his tip. There’s no doubting his bravery, but at the end of the day he is a food delivery driver, and I was forced to judge him on that criteria. By the time he scared the geese away my crepes had become soggy, and he forgot my extra cucumbers and sauce. To be honest, 3 stars was probably a little too generous. I wish his company offered some sort of personal rating system, but until they do, I have to follow their guidelines. As a person, I can’t say enough nice things about Mark Me’e, but as a delivery driver, he’s a bit wanting.”

STORYLINE

Pu’u Resource Officer Accused of Illegally Selling Manimal To Students

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In an attempt to promote healthier diets for students, and curtail disruptions in the classroom, Hawaii banned the sales of sodas, energy drinks, and high fat snacks in all public schools last year. Now, 31-year-old Pu’u resource officer Alice Kohole stands accused of not only disregarding the ban, but running an elaborate network of student distributors inside the school. She has been suspended without pay pending the outcome of an investigation.

Last Spring, the Department of Health kicked off their “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. designed to give Hawaiians easy access to healthy food and beverages choices. Many companies participated in the program and eventually the guidelines were adopted by Maui public schools, but according to reports, Kohole didn’t get the memo.

School officials and police became aware of the situation this month when a now-retired resource officer accused Alice of running a Manimal selling network inside Pu’u High. According to records uncovered by the Lahaina Advertiser, Kohole had been selling Manimal to students inside the school for months. Using a number of holding lockers, empty desks, backpacks left around the campus, and a handful of student “distributors,” the officer sold thousands of dollars worth of Manimal and other contraband snacks to Pu’u students.

Over 300 cans of Manimal were confiscated from school grounds, and Kohole has been put on unpaid leave, while investigators look into the case. According to many students, it was well known that “Manimal Alice” was selling the drinks, but they were surprised at the extent of the operation.

Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona says he is beyond disgusted by Kohole’s actions, and embarrassed that the beverage black market was operating so openly. He says the school has sent letters to parents explaining the situation, and will be hosting a town hall style meeting to answer any lingering questions or concerns parents might have about overstimulated students.

“Since the ban on sugary foods and energy drinks was enacted, we’ve seen an increase in attendance and test scores. At the same time conflicts between students and disciplinary actions have dropped. Many of those gains began to disappear during this last semester, and now we know why. I’m appalled at the actions of officer Kohole. I knew her personally, and can’t imagine what led her to this terrible decision. Worst of all is how blatant her actions were. Many parents have expressed concerns about more dangerous things like drugs and alcohol being sold in the open as well. Let me assure you that is not the case. Part of the way Alice was able to get away with what she did is the innocuous perception of Manimal in the classroom.”

The revelation has stirred outrage in many parents, but some students and Manimal fans say the issue is being blown out of proportion, citing that it is perfectly legal for students to buy and drink Manimal off campus. Spencer Kane, Manimal founder and CEO, is among those saying Kohole’s actions are a non-story. Kane says the real story is the Healthy Hawaii campaign itself, and a school system stuck in the past.

“I’ll admit that we’re best known for giving energy to free climbers, champion surfers, cliff divers, and daredevils of all kind, but Manimal also provides fuel for radical learners and extreme intellectuals. We’re proud to support: elite mathletes, spelling bee royalty, model UN heroes, and masters of memory. We consider these special people to be just as much a part of our family as any wingsuit enthusiast, or endurance runner.

The brain needs fuel just like any other muscle. The rigors and reality of the modern educational system demands a fuel a little stronger than water. The days of juice and cookies are over. Today’s students need something to help unlock their intellectual beasts, and nothing gets all your synapses firing like a cold Manimal. Instead of punishing this poor officer, we should be giving her an excellence in extreme education award.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Expands Veil Drop Program Across Maui and Mainland

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Veilcorp has announced that it plans to expand its wildly popular Veil Drop service across Maui, and to a handful of locations in Seattle. Part delivery and pick up program, and part secure personal storage service, Veil Drop currently has over a dozen locations across Lahaina. The service allows customers to both ship and receive packages, as well as deposit items securely for later pick up. A hit with tourists and busy Front Street shoppers alike, Veilcorp plans on adding an additional 30 locations throughout the island.

“Think of it as a personal storage trunk that you don’t have to lug around with you,” says Brie Howard, Veilcorp’s Vice President of Special Projects. Using a revolutionary microveil system, a Veil Drop location is able to send deposited items to a secure Veilcorp facility. Customers need only enter their security code to retrieve the item in seconds when they’re ready. In addition, Veil Drop users can send and pick up packages at any location when it’s convenient for them via Alohagistics, Veilcorp’s shipping partner.

“Veilcorp has always been about expanding horizons and making life easier. We’ve turned the world into a truly global community, and fostered opportunity for millions. We revolutionized the way you travel; and now we’re revolutionizing your daily life. Thanks to Veil Drop you don’t have to worry about carrying around multiple bags if you’re shopping downtown, keeping track of your important paperwork, hiding presents from the kids or loved ones, securing valuables in your home, or figuring out which box in the attic holds the holiday decorations. Thousands of Lahaina residents have come to rely on Veil Drop to store and organize their things, as well as ship and receive packages in over a dozen locations. We are thrilled that many more will be able to enjoy Veil Drop service in a convenient location near them soon,” says Howard.

Some aren’t quite as enthusiastic about the program’s expansion however. Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) Ike Hoomana says he worries that the island will soon be dotted with Veil Drop kiosks and worries about the effects of 127, the element used to power veil travel, leaking into sacred or delicate areas.

“We have grave concerns about turning this beautiful land of our ancestors into the land of a thousand storage lockers. We already have too many tourists who don’t respect our culture and natural places by leaving their trash and stomping through sacred areas. Even with limiting their numbers through the Interisland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) our island is losing its character and aloha spirit. Now Veilcorp wants to put machines fueled by 127 into the wilds, and make it easier for people to access anything they want, at anytime, instead of fully appreciating the beauty around them. We have seen the effects of this dangerous fuel on our shellfish, and I can only imagine how much damage it will cause with this expansion. Trading the health and beauty of Maui for convenience is no trade at all. All native Hawaiians deserve a flourishing homeland. It is our birthright and heritage that must be protected.”

Howard dismisses Hoomana’s concerns as “typical hysterics and fear mongering.” She points out that 127 has been used safely for decades and that there is no evidence that it causes harm to plants or animals. However, some have concerns about the service itself, not its impact on the environment. Scott Stonegate says the Veil Drop service almost cost him his marriage.

“I got a Veil Drop account as soon as it was available, just to check it out a few months ago. I was excited to try it and see how it worked. I deposited a few household items, sent a couple of packages, and timed how long it took to get things out. I was impressed with how quickly the service worked, but didn’t have much use for it at the time. Somehow, I innocently forgot to mention it to my wife, and one night while she was going through my phone she found my passcode, and things went downhill pretty fast.

She went to a location first thing in the morning, and requested everything in storage. Somehow they got my stuff mixed up with someone else, and it was a disaster. She found a few changes of clothing that just happened to be in my size, a couple bottles of wine, some lingerie that just happened to *not* be in her size, and a teddy bear with a heart that said Shelby. Not being Shelby, my wife was understandably upset. Thankfully after a few days, and my explanation of what must have happened, she calmed down. Everything is fine now, but I refuse to use Veil Drop until I can be assured that this type of mixup won’t happen again, or they implement tighter security measures.”