STORYLINE

Plant-Based SSHAM Receives Mixed Reviews In Lahaina

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The processed meat world was turned on its ear this week when SSHAM introduced its first completely plant-based formula, SSHANT. Despite rumors that the bright green loaf was a St. Patrick’s Day stunt, it appears the algae-based flavor is here to stay. While some are calling it the worst vegan-friendly food on the market, SSHAM fans are hailing the new variety as a great meal-time option. The company claims that SSHANT is “…a big first step in food sustainability and tastier plant-based mealtime options.”

SSHAM is probably the last thing on the average person’s mind when they’re planning a meatless Monday menu, but SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a hopes to change expectations. With an estimated 12 million Hawaiians eating at least one vegan meal a week Pua’a is hoping to break into the growing plant-based food market. SSHANT is the company’s first vegan variety and has been an unexpected hit with Lahaina consumers.

“It’s all about sustainability and locally sourced ingredients,” says Pua’a. On the heels of its “regional flavors” product line that saw such varieties as Pineapple SSHAM and the goat-based SSHOAT, the company is betting that SSHANT will be the cornerstone to a whole new group of eco-friendly products.

He says, “Trying to balance feeding a larger population while ensuring minimal environmental impact is a growing concern for us. How our food is produced and what types of food we’re eating can have a significant effect on the planet. Our goal is to have a can of SSHAM in every pantry around the world, and the only way we can do that is with SSHANT. Our revolutionary drying and pressing process combined with locally grown algae from Ananas Farms has allowed us to create the best tasting most sustainable plant-based food the world has ever seen. The future of canned food is SSHANT and we’re more than happy to give everyone a taste of what’s to come.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, however, disagrees with the SSHAM CEO. The transpersonal plating instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that SSHANT is the worst vegan food he has ever come across calling it a “disaster in a can.”

“This wolf in plant’s clothing is devoid of all the things that make a plant-based diet healthy. The pure solar energy that fills most vegan foods is eclipsed in SSHANT with sodium, fillers, and artificial flavors. It is full of sugar, highly processed, and quite frankly has the consistency of hard gelatin. Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are a huge public health concern that can be combated with a healthy plant-based diet and regular tonal cleansing. Instead of promoting cellular harmony, SSHANT will throw your immune system into chaos. This is not the beginning of a food revolution. The only thing revolutionary about SSHANT is how few nutrients make it through the canning process. I can’t warn the public strongly enough to stay away from this misleading and misguided product.”

One look at the nutritional information on the can does show that SSHANT is incredibly high in fat, sodium, and sugar for a product many consider a “health food”, but SSHAM fans don’t seem to mind. In fact, some consider it a selling point. Streamer and Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox says he likes that SSHANT doesn’t try to change the things that make SSHAM great.

“People don’t eat SSHAM because of how healthy it is. They eat it because it tastes great. SSHANT tastes so much like regular SSHAM that I couldn’t believe it. Like many Hawaiians, I’ve thought about making more plant-based food choices but I didn’t want to be associated with the kind of people who are always talking about how awesome not eating meat is. I mean nobody wants to be the dude who brings the kale salad to the Luau.

I understand that eating more plants and fewer animals might be better for the environment, but who wants to live in a world like that. Sheep are great but I don’t want to become one. Until I found SSHANT I never knew that eating vegan could be cool. I don’t worry at all what my friends will say if I show up someplace with my teeth stained green.

I work better on a high nitrate and sodium diet. It may be a little too gelatinous for my liking but the taste more than makes up for the texture. There aren’t a bunch of added vitamins and minerals to screw up the flavor, just a natural blend of algae, preservatives, and flavored binders. It tastes like science and the sea, not a handful of leaves. SSHANT is vegan food for people who don’t want to be vegans.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp To Blame For Regional Chaos

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I write this not to those of you who know the damage Veilcorp and fossil fuels have done to the world. This is not for my brothers and sisters who have stood on the front line with me. I write this to the media. You’ve called us radicals. You’ve called us misguided fanatics. Nonetheless, the truth has now been laid bare. Thanks to yesterday’s release of documents from our friends at VeilWatch, you can see that our longstanding claims are true. The destabilizing effect of Veilcorp technology was known for years by countless intelligence agencies and the company itself. When you add this to an already misguided dependence on oil you have a recipe for disaster. That is what you have seen this week in Saudi Arabia, an unmitigated catastrophe.

Veilcorp and its government servants have turned their backs on the region and have let it fall into chaos. With a lack of ideas and an entire system based on the need for earth poisoning oil, it is no wonder that so many countries in the area have failed. They were designed to. They were used for their resources, and tossed aside like trash. Veilcorp realized that their technology was just as bad as oil but silenced anyone who pointed out their folly. They took away the petroleum crutches and replaced them with a cane of their own design, ensuring the people remained crippled.

The leaders of these misguided nations have sold out their people with the help of Oeming and his need to bend the laws of nature to his will. Instead of poisoning the land, sea, and air by powering massive industries, they’re doing it by converting seas of oil into cheap plastic novelties and disposable bags. It is no wonder that the people are rioting.

Despite what Veilcorp would have you believe, the people who are forced to live in these air choking regions are no different from you and I. They want the same things: peace, a future for their children, and safety. Veilcorp has made it impossible for these people to fulfill those basic wants and needs without travelling across the world and working for pennies an hour. These allegations are not ours. They are the findings of numerous government investigations that have been highlighted because of this week’s unrest. I appreciate those of you in the media who are brave enough to report it. I urge you to continue this heroic work, and force Veilcorp take responsibility for their actions. They have made a living trading one disaster for another.

They walked away from the farms they leveled in Iowa. They walked away from the people they tested their poisonous 127 on. We know this as a fact thanks again to our friends at VeilWatch. We need the media’s help to make sure that they can not walk away from the unrest and the wars they are now fueling in these delicate areas already at risk because of generations of bad leadership.

They claim that this veiling technology is the greatest discovery in the history of man but what have they done with it? They haven’t cured disease or fed the starving masses. They haven’t helped these people learn that fossil fuels have all but destroyed the planet. Instead, they’ve created a food delivery service and the world’s most expensive virtual notepad. They’ve created smaller corporations that put ads on cars and tattoo company logos on animals in the name of saving them. This is the height of human achievement? Is this the bold new tomorrow Oeming spoke of on the day he started his machines and shot a metal cube like a bullet through the fabric of reality?

Again and again Veilcorp has proven that they are willing to let people starve and live in misery if it helps their bottom line. Like all despots, Oeming is content to let civil unrest and anarchy continue in these countries as long as his stock goes up a point. The continued damage done to the environment has been long known, and our sick mother is now passing her suffering onto her children. You can’t call these truths the ramblings of a “fringe group of radicals” anymore. Your own governments have verified them.

Veilcorp had a chance, and a responsibility to help these regions see the error of their energy policies and stop killing the planet. They were warned long ago, but chose not to do anything about it. They must be convinced. Their disregard for life must be highlighted by the media, just as it has been highlighted in these reports. Years of burning petroleum has strangled the earth and killed countless species, but it’s not too late. These regimes need to fail, but the innocent people of the region need to be protected. Veilcorp has done nothing to expedite the end of these misguided governments or ease the suffering of the people. They need to be held accountable for this disaster because they had a big part in it.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp To Start Its Own News Service

Veilcorp has announced that it plans to start its own news service with reports and coverage specifically geared towards the corporation’s customers. Instead of traditional journalists, the service will rely on local “experts” and smart drones for all of its stories. Two pilot programs will start this week, one in Lahaina, and another in Seattle. Veilcorp says the new service will provide travelers with important local news, and offer a true look at the “unique atmosphere and vibe of our many destinations.”

Veilcorp is no stranger to exploring other various business opportunities, but the news business is different from its previous ventures. Veilcorp has had a complicated relationship with the media. Many accuse the company of having a cozy relationship with certain journalists, softening the coverage to some of the corporations more questionable decisions. None of those decisions was more controversial than the media ban following Eric Oeming’s return to Lahaina, after the terrorist attack that killed his wife, daughter, and employees.

With this kind of baggage, and an already saturated news market, one might wonder what would set Veilcorp’s news service apart from the crowd. According to Lahaina inventor Ano Lee, the answer is technology. “The news service will be using modified versions of my party drones, and will be integrated with the massive Glimpsea camera network,” says Lee. “My party drones were already designed to recognize: large groups of people, music, and lights, so I could find where the fun was happening on the weekend. We simply added cameras and the ability to set other targets of interest, whether those are areas, events, or specific objects and people. Now, Instead of sending back the GPS coordinates of the biggest parties on the island, the drones, with the help of the Glimpsea network, film whatever they have been assigned to cover.”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that while the technology is cutting edge, the idea is quite simple, provide customers with a true understanding of the places and people that they are visiting. “Veilcorp, more than many other companies or organizations, is in a unique position to offer travelers the best local news available. We have a worldwide network, and a deep understanding of what travelers want. Numerous customer surveys have shown that people crave real-time and honest information about the places they are visiting. Our news service has no agenda other to inform our customers about the happenings, and important issues in their area. We use drones guided by local experts and contributors, to give veil travelers insight into the locals, and hear what issues are on their minds. Our goal is to offer great local news on a global scale.”

Some media outlets have scoffed at the idea of Veilcorp running a news service, and have questioned the credibility of any reports from citizen journalists and automated drones. A statement released from VeilWatch calls the proposed service, “One of the most dangerous propaganda tools ever devised, for the most dangerous organization the world has ever seen.” However, many, including people tapped as contributors, say the new service would offer a fresh, and much needed take on how local news operates, and what it covers.

Lahaina resident, and Veilcorp appointed expert John Driscol says he can’t wait to start his show, “Veil-Curious”. “They asked me to be in charge of Arts and Leisure. As everyone knows I’m a leisure expert. If you can’t find me relaxing on the beach, and counting waves, you can usually find me relaxing on another beach. I’m friends with numerous artists as well, so it seemed like a perfect fit. The best part of this service is the drones. I’ve never been in charge of something so simple. You just provide a few key activities, and specific things to look for to the techs. They load the information into the drones, and off they go. All you have to do is comment on what they capture. If you want to change up the coverage, you just assign new cues, and parameters. It’s really as simple as that. When Veil-Curious starts, people can look forward to lots of coverage of: tourists falling off paddle boards, beach bar reviews, and real-time tracking of that old guy who sells Italian ice from his cart. I really love that stuff, and he’s hard to find on the weekends.”

Veilcorp plans on officially launching the service on Friday, the 18th.

STORYLINE

Merchant’s Association Cancels Valentine’s Day Promotion Over “Inaccurate” Menehune Dolls

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After a day of protest and mountains of negative feedback, The Lahaina Merchant’s Association (LMA) has decided to end its controversial “Menehunny” Valentine’s Day giveaway. The LMA had been handing out dolls based on the mythological race of little people, the Menehune, for almost a week before deciding to end the promotion. With pink and black hair, a monkey-like appearance, and slogans like “Loving Lahaina” and “Be My Menehunny” emblazoned on the doll’s chest many had called the toys disrespectful to the Menehune legend. The LMA says they apologize for any ill will the dolls may have caused and hopes that everyone feels the spirit of aloha on Valentine’s Day.

Whether it’s from one the many statues around the islands, a children’s book, or a story from your tutu about the things they built before the first settlers arrived, most Hawaiians know about the legend of the Menehune. The mythological dwarves who live in the deep forests and secluded valleys are said to be great craftspeople. Many structures attributed to their construction skills still exist, and they are one of the most recognizable characters in Hawaiian folklore and that’s the problem.

“I don’t know what those things are but they’re not Menehune,” says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “They look like monkeys that accidentally broke into a dye factory. The slogans across the chest are just the worst. The Menehune are a part of our tradition and history, for anyone to use them in some sort of marketing campaign is gross. What makes it worse is that this idea came from a group of businesses right here in Lahaina. They should know better.”

LMA chief strategist and anthropology minor at the University of Maui Lahaina College Ken Hekili says the toy design was not meant to be disrespectful. “A lot of thought and time went into the Menehunny dolls. Pink and black go together quite well, and the simian-like appearance is based in science and captures the upward trend right now for monkey toys. According to the profs in my 300 level classes, many islands in this part of the world had populations of small archaic humans. The “hobbits” on the island of Flores, Indonesia being one of the most famous. We tried to imagine what the Menehune would look like if they were a long lost part of our family tree and they were employed to promote Valentine’s Day in Lahaina. To be honest I thought we nailed it. Their outfits and slogans were exactly what we thought protohumans would be comfortable with wearing or saying for a marketing gig. Obviously, the public thought differently. We apologize for any anger our dolls may have caused.”

While many businesses remained quiet about the promotion owner of the famous Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, says he understands the public’s reaction and hopes the LMA is more careful in the future. “Not all change is good, just ask the dinosaurs,” he adds.

“Everyone knows what a Menehune looks like. They’re an enduring part of our folklore. You wouldn’t go to Ireland and try to sell leprechaun dolls that looked like cockroaches. You wouldn’t decide one day that Santa’s Elves should really look like lizards from now on because you’re selling heating lamps. People like things the way they are. Everyone knows that a Menehune is a little smiling, pointy-eared guy wearing a traditional hat, not a pink striped monkey dude with a slogan on his chest. Not everything needs to be reinvented or used for a gimmick.”

While most of the backlash seemed to focus on the appearance of the dolls there are a handful of people who say that the Menehunny toys are closer to reality than the depictions common today. Some even say that the Menehune still exist in isolated pockets of the jungle. One such believer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Randy says he had an encounter with a real Menehune last year after an accident in his garage.

“I had just bought one of those portable Duracave 127 reactors, and I was working on it in the garage. In the last few years, we’ve added some serious lasers to the pyrotechnics at our backyard wrestling events. The problem was we kept blowing breakers, so I was hoping the new generator would give us the juice we needed. I’m rarely satisfied with running things stock so I was trying to amp up the output when the explosion happened. Now I’m no stranger to riding a pressure wave through the air but this felt different and when I landed in the brush there he was.

The color on the toys was wrong but he was definitely hairy. He told me that the world was going to end this year and that I should prepare myself accordingly. He gave me some tips on my wrestling costume saying I was more of an autumn and should focus on more orange fabrics. He started to give me a recipe for something called “survivor pie” but my head started to hurt so bad that I had to close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up to my aunt’s dog Minny licking my face. My family says that I was talking to Minny the whole time and I’m confused because of the concussion, but I know what I saw. Menehune are real, they’re hairy, and they have a great eye when it comes to costumes. I’ve never looked more vibrant in the ring.”

STORYLINE

Tourists Claim They Were “Held Hostage” by Geese

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A vacationing couple is claiming that their dream vacation turned into a nightmare Monday evening after witnessing a vicious attack and being held hostage in a public restroom. This type of story has become all-too-common on the island lately, but this one comes with a twist. According to the tourists, the perpetrator wasn’t a masked man, or drug-crazed lunatic looking for their next fix, it was a goose. To be precise, a flock of geese.

28-year-old Bret Casey and his 27-year-old wife Spring claim that they were heading back to their hotel after a long walk down the beach when the incident occurred. The couple says they had spent the day exploring the beach and enjoying Lahaina’s nightlife before the evening took a bizarre and terrifying turn.

According to their report, the Casey’s were on the way home in the dark and become lost. Seeing a light in the distance, they walked up to get their bearings and came upon a chaotic scene. The couple claims that they witnessed a group of fellow tourists around a beach fire being attacked by a flock of geese.

Bret’s statement reads in part:

“They were all running around and screaming but I didn’t think it was that serious until the birds knocked a guy down and I saw blood. I tried to help him up but they had hold of him and were dragging him towards the water. Then they started attacking me. I couldn’t believe how strong they were. They almost knocked me down a couple of times and I got really scared for Spring. I grabbed her arm and we ran for the public restrooms we had passed just a few minutes before. We kept hearing the shouts and screams inside so I decided to go back and see if I could help.”

While the couple’s story seems hard to believe, their official statements are as consistent as they are extraordinary. The narrative continues with Mrs. Casey reporting.

“They were all over one of them when Bret went back outside. He tried to help but there was too many of them and he ran back into the building….You could hear the geese walking on the roof and fighting…I’m not sure how long we waited but we didn’t see any of them after a while so Bret went to check to see if it was clear, but they had just been waiting for us. They were biting and hitting him with their wings so he ran back before they knocked him down too…This went on all night. We tried escaping a couple times but they wouldn’t leave. Then, a few hours after the sun came up we saw someone parasailing and they took off…There must have been 20-30 of them that flew after the boat. We ran back down the beach until we found help and called the police.”

The couple was taken to a local hospital where Bret was treated for multiple cuts and contusions. Officials say they found no evidence of the kind of attack reported, and point out that a group of missing tourists would have surely been reported by now. However, they do confirm that the area did contain numerous feathers and nene tracks. The police say they can’t comment on specific open cases, but are investigating the claims and waiting for the results of a drug screen. No charges have been filed at this point. An anonymous source familiar with the case says, “The story is obviously hard to believe. Something might have attacked the guy, but at this point, we’re confident that something is going to turn out to be gravity and overindulgence. We’ve had a big increase in aggressive animal complaints since Veilcorp expanded their 127 production, but I haven’t heard anything about killer geese before. We’ll know more once the Department of Land and Natural Resources completes their report and the spot of blood we found at the scene is processed.”

While reports of animal attacks, in general, have gone up in the past year, there have only been a handful of reports involving the nene. Greg Iona, Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources, says that a flock of homicidal geese is absurd. Iona points out that the native nene is too small and lacks the physical characteristics to be a serious danger. Instead, he agrees with the police and suggests that the couple most likely had a few too many drinks and wandered into a nesting area. “I’m sure once the reports are all in we’ll find that what we have here is a drunk couple who stumbled into an area with some protective mother birds. Geese have long been known to have one of nature’s worst tempers. They’re one of the few animals that I’ve studied that I believe can feel and express hate. The world would be a much different place if geese were just a bit bigger, or had claws or teeth. Luckily for us, and the 4 million people who visit Maui each year, they don’t.”

STORYLINE

VeilWatch Claims proof of secret human-127 testing program, threatens a midnight release

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People across the globe are expressing shock, anger, and disbelief over allegations from VeilWatch that Veilcorp and the U.S. government conducted a secret human-127 testing program in 2022. The watchdog group says they will release a full report at midnight unless the company agrees to halt all operations, and an independent government investigation is begun.

The study of 127 (unbiseptium), the element that makes veil travel possible, has a long and controversial history. Environmentalists have questioned its safety since a containment breach at a test facility in Iowa caused the mass evacuation of thousands and the destruction of several acres of crops surrounding the area in March 2023. The human testing program allegedly began months before.

These claims come hot on the heels of a leaked report from an investigator at the Department of Land and Natural Resources in Hawaii, linking an increase in 127 exposure to abnormalities in a number of plants and animals. Veilcorp denied those allegations producing a number of impact studies.

Complaints have not been isolated to Hawaii however. Since Veilcorp’s successful Icarus project increased the production of 127, reports have been pouring into various government and health agencies about adverse effects. Government officials claim that there is no need to worry and Veilcorp officials say that they have done everything possible to ensure the public’s safety. They vehemently deny these new allegations.

Spokesperson Lisa Hunt says,

“These allegations would be laughable if they weren’t so disgusting. I think the public needs to remember that this is the same organization that claimed to have proof that we had discovered a secret Nazi base in the arctic, and had moved all of our R&D there in 2040. Also, please don’t forget that in 2043 the sleuths at VeilWatch claimed to have evidence that our technology was the result of a pact Dr. Oeming had with the aliens who live on Nibiru. Nibiru of course is the mystery planet that enters our solar system every 3,600 years. We naturally expected VeilWatch to release our plans for a distribution hub in Atlantis next. The truth is that VeiWatch will release anything sent their way no matter how ridiculous or bizarre, but they have crossed a line this time. This is clearly nothing more than a distasteful smear campaign. We urge the public to consider the messenger when it comes to these charges, and urge government officials to take action against these reprehensible claims.”

VeilWatch founder Tim Durney counters that the full report has been released to key officials and has been thoroughly vetted.

“I was there in Iowa and saw how carelessly they acted. During the investigation it became clear to me that the government and Veilcorp were hopelessly entangled but I had no idea just how deep and dark their dealings were. According to these reports Veilcorp and the government started testing the effects of 127 exposure on people almost a year before the accident in Iowa. They knew how dangerous it was and didn’t warn anyone. Some of the findings in this report are incredible. I’m not going to get into specifics unless our demands aren’t met, but I will tell you that the research and findings described in these documents are right out of a sci-fi or horror movie. I have no doubt that the particulars will be shared with the public in the coming months. I think this is really going to open some eyes and people aren’t going to like what they learn.”

Experts seem split currently on what to make about these new allegations. Some share Hunt’s sentiments about some of the more outrageous claims made by VeilWatch over the years. Other’s say this time is different, as there has been some acknowledgment this morning from a number of officials that some sort of program existed. It remains to be seen what that program entailed and if it indeed involved human testing.

STORYLINE

Employee Charged With Eating Thousands In Stolen Cold Cuts Says It Was a Marketing Stunt

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It was one of the most shared stories of 2049, and the talk of Lahaina for months. 22-year-old Nate Acosta was facing felony charges for eating thousands of dollars worth of meat while working at a local Big Bites store. The story not only traveled to the mainland, it made its way around the world. Millions followed the trial, and listened to his mother’s emotional testimony that his medical condition, and the quality of the products sold in the store, made it impossible for Nate to resist eating while at work. The story seemed too strange to be true, and Acosta says there’s a good reason for that; It wasn’t. Less than a month into his sentence, Nate now claims the whole thing was a publicity stunt cooked up by his boss Bob Abramo.

For months his story dominated the headlines. Acosta stood accused of consuming over $12,000 of loose meat, jerky, sausage, and cracklin slushies. Detailed inventory reports showed that pounds of products would go missing whenever he was working. The only thing stranger than the accusations was his defense. Nate claimed to suffer from a rare thyroid condition that made him stick to a meat diet, and the taste and quality of the meat at the Big Bites store was too much for him to resist. His mother testified that he gained almost 100 pounds while working at the store. She talked about his growing obsession with memorizing the store’s inventory, his need to talk incessantly about the quality of Abramo jerky, and how he’d return home with pockets full of sausage or deli meat.

Acosta claimed that once he tasted the candied corn beef bites he was hooked, and unable to stop himself from eating his fill every night. Abramo himself seemed uncharacteristically forgiving, and asked for the court to show leniency before Nates sentencing. However, a lot can change in a few months. Nate now says that the incident was a viral marketing scheme thought up by his boss that got way out of hand, and when Abramo threatened him, and his family, he decided to speak up. “It was never supposed to get this far, ” Acosta says.

“I was approached by Bob a few months before the story was leaked to work out the details. He was going to pay me and my family to follow his script, and go through this trial. He promised that he knew all the judges, and would speak on my behalf. At the very worst I’d get conditional probation. Everything seemed to be working just as planned. We were getting millions of views world-wide, Big Bites stores trended up to the number one tourist attraction on Island Advisor, and everyone wanted to try some of the meat so good, a guy couldn’t help but eat $12,000 worth of it.

Then it went off the rails at my arraignment. They were pursuing felony charges. Immediately, the steaks stopped showing up at my mom’s house and she got burger instead. Bob said that we couldn’t talk anymore, and I better keep my mouth shut if I didn’t want myself, or my loved ones to be part of the next burger delivery. I couldn’t let my parents suffer for my mistake, so I contacted the district attorney. I understand now that Abramo lied. He never made the payments he promised he would, and threatened to grind me up and toss me aside like I was a side of broccoli.”

Officials say they are investigating Acosta’s accusations, and if proven true, Abramo could face serious felony charges himself. They have refused to make a statement as the investigation is ongoing, but leaked documents showing that Acosta’s mother received a $5,000 payment from The Lahaina Zipline Tours, one of Abramo’s holdings, and a delivery of 200 pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend, shortly after the arraignment.

Abramo denies the claims, and says he made the payment and delivered the meat to Nate’s mother because he, “…felt bad that my products were too delicious for the young man to ignore, and figured his family had the same great taste in burgers as Nate.” Bob says Acosta is just angry because he’s not allowed to frequent any Big Bite’s store when he’s released from prison as part of his probation.

“Once you get that taste in your mouth, you can’t go back to lesser meats. I’m not worried about these accusations because anyone who’s eaten one of my many fine products knows the truth. They are so good, you could get hooked. That’s not just opinion. If need be, I am prepared to prove scientifically that my meat is the best you’ll ever have, and irresistible to a certain percentage of the public. As far as Nate’s accusations about ending up in one of our juicy burgers, they’re laughable. I’d never contaminate my perfect burger blend with a troubled liar like him. You’d taste it right away. Stewing is the way to go if want want to break down a tough bit of troubled meat.

I’ve been cooperating fully with investigators, and I’m confident this matter will be resolved soon. Then, Nate can get back to his work in the prison commissary. I just hope nothing happens to him there since he’s put himself in the spotlight again. There’s lots of knives in that kitchen as well as a 50 gallon steam kettle perfect for soups, stews, and liars.”

STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

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The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina to End Glimpsea’s “Enhanced Dispatch” Program

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The Lahaina City Council voted to end Glimpsea’s crowdsourced public safety dispatching service yesterday after numerous complaints, and high-profile mishaps. Part of the “Lahaina View Project” began in 2048, the enhanced dispatching program was supposed to help close a $1 million projected budget deficit, as well as provide more efficient emergency dispatching with the help of community volunteers.

The service faced much opposition since its inception both from the public, and from within the Mayor’s Office. Despite the company’s promises, and the hopes of some within the city government, the program stumbled from the very beginning, and was cancelled after barely 3 months. Glimpsea’s Vice President Simon Ike says he is disappointed with the council’s decision, and that complaints have been overblown, saying: “The program has been unfairly scrutinized from the start. While we feel our enhanced dispatching service is the future of emergency services, we understand the pressure the city council has been under, even if we strongly disagree with their decision.”

The Lahaina View Project was supposed to harness the power of a network of security cameras, drones, and phones to provide 24/7 visual coverage of Lahaina, as well as offer unique opportunities for civic, and government innovation. Thousands of residents downloaded the Glimpsea app, and became part of the network. The project’s cameras did save time and money for some departments like: the assessor’s office, the water department, and the housing division, however, it was the offer of a revolutionary emergency response and crowdsourced dispatching system that promised some of the most exciting advances.

With almost complete video coverage of Lahaina, emergencies and crimes could be spotted early, and registered users would be able to dispatch first responders to any situation at virtually no cost. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned. The program was soon plagued with false alarms, inordinately long response times, incorrect addresses, and people misusing the network.

Perennial mayoral candidate, and President of the Foundation for Natural Law Rodger “Rod” Kohole, was one of the most vocal opponents of the program, and says he is happy with the council’s decision. “Mark one down for the people! Yesterday we told big government that we don’t want them peeking in our windows, or degenerates guiding our brave first responders. This program was designed to line the pockets of government leeches at the expense of the public. I hope this is a wake-up call to Cravalho, and the Lahaina Stasi that they’re going to have to cultivate another network of informants. It is unconscionable that for months our neighbors have had to rely on people living in their mother’s basement to put their game on pause, and dispatch police and firemen. It’s a miracle nobody was seriously hurt, or killed due to Albert’s incompetence.”

“In retrospect, some of the issues we ran into seem kind of obvious,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Crowdsourcing works great for things like data collection, research, and raising money, but probably isn’t the best model for dispatching emergency services. Despite the best efforts of Glimpsea, and my office, we just weren’t able to overcome the negative press coverage, and get the program on track. We had implemented systems to address some of the biggest concerns surrounding the dispatcher issues, but unfortunately it was too little, too late, for the public. I can understand their concerns, when you’re in an emergency, you want action not excuses. I just wish they had given us a chance to work out the kinks.”

Glimpsea and the mayor aren’t the only ones disappointed in the council’s decision. Self-described amateur sociologist, and author Kevin Morrow says the program was a treasure trove for his research.

“The enhanced dispatch service saved me years of data collection regarding the actions of people in stressful situations. I was initially against the program, but once I understood its potential, I was a big fan. Normally, one has to rely on reports, or interviews after-the-fact when researching human responses. However, thanks to the program, I was able to give surveys and conduct personality tests in real time, to real people during a time of turmoil. The results were amazing! While It is true that an overwhelming number of people become more agitated when questioned about what they thought their role in their emergency was, and I had four different accounts banned doing research; I still collected an enormous amount of data. I can only imagine how much my research could have helped those traumatized by an emergency event if the program was allowed to continue.”

STORYLINE

Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

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The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

“I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”