STORYLINE

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

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Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

“It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

STORYLINE

Controversial New Procedure Promises Clear Underwater Vision Without Goggles

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A prominent Reparre Biologic researcher says that she has developed a way to allow people to see clearly underwater without the use of goggles. Her procedure involves creating a nictitating membrane, a structure found in many marine mammals and sharks, that would protect the eye while in the water and allow greatly enhanced vision. She says the procedure could be done at any Newuskin facility in a matter of minutes. The company hopes that they can start offering the membranes as an option, along with other treatments, by the end of the year.

In the animal kingdom, a wide variety of species have nictitating membranes. Sharks, reptiles, birds, and even camels have an extra eyelid to help protect their eyes from harsh elements or improve their vision. However, according to the procedures inventor Alanai Kalialani, the remnants of one exist in humans too.

Kalipalani says that there are a number of vestigial organs and structures in human beings that people are familiar with: the appendix, the tail bone, and wisdom teeth just to name a few. What most people don’t know, is that they have part of an extra eyelid as well. “It’s called the plica semilunaris. You can see it in the inside corner of your eye. It has turned into a little fold of tissue. The muscles attached to it are vestigial as well. All we do is build up the tissue a bit and strengthen the muscles,” says Alanai.

Since the news broke about the proposed procedure, many have expressed concern over the treatment and wondered publicly if the operation should be done at all. Many feel that since Reparre’s acquisition of Newuskin the company has pushed the boundaries of good taste and the law. Troubling videos of animal experiments, supposedly from inside a Reparre testing facility, were released a few months ago that sparked a government investigation into the company. Reparre denies that the videos were shot at one of their labs but public opinion remains mixed. A vocal group sees the procedure as a step too far and comparisons to the famous H.G. Wells character of Dr. Moreau have been common. According to Kalialani it wasn’t an old science fiction story that inspired her however, it was a story from her father.

“My father was a rescue swimmer for the Coast Guard for years and experienced a lot on the job. He never talked to us when we were kids about specifics. I don’t suppose tales of drownings or near-drownings make the best bedtime stories, but when I got older he shared some of what he saw with me. One story in particular haunted him and stood out to me. It was the middle of a horrible storm and a container ship was in trouble. The load wasn’t properly secured. The boat had already tipped and was on the verge of sinking. Some of the containers had opened and the churning water was filled with clothes, coats, plastic totes, and scared people. My dad lost his mask almost as soon as he hit the water, when a wave slammed a tote into the side of his head. He found two survivors and gave the tote to one to hang on to while he helped the other into the survival ring. By the time they lowered the ring back down and he turned around, the other survivor was gone. Even though it was dark, he dove down, grabbed him and brought him up. When he cleared his eyes, he saw it was only a water-logged coat. Without his mask, he couldn’t find the survivor. It was dark and stormy and the water was filled with debris so chances are he wouldn’t have found him even if he had his mask, but that rescue still haunts my dad. I wanted to do something that could help people like him by giving them a tool to make their job easier and help save lives, not because I always wanted to be a mad scientist.”

Despite Alanai’s assurances many still feel that the treatments cross a line that would be hard to walk back from. An anonymous letter sent to the Kokua Wellness Center reads in part, “[The treatment] pushes the boundaries of good taste. What’s next, sharp pincers for a seamstress? What about someone who doesn’t like their shape and wants to become a cube? I don’t blame these people, they are quite clearly sick. Instead of indulging these aberrations of thought, we should be letting them know that there already is a perfect version of themselves. They can see it in the mirror anytime they want.”

Still, others think the process should go further and hope that the most salacious concerns come to pass. Local resident and YouTube sensation Randy Wilcox says he can’t wait to add some “upgrades” to his body.

“I never thought that Kokua would offer something that would appeal to a guy like me, but I’d be first in line to get a pair of shark eyes. There’s a lot of other things I’d like to get too. Webbed feet might be cool, maybe some little horns or something awesome looking like that. To tell you the truth, there’s one thing I’d like more than anything else, a tail. I don’t want one to hang off of things like a monkey, or sting people, although that would be great. I want a tail to help me express emotions. We’ve been really focused on lucha libre style wrestling for my channel lately. While it’s a lot of fun, it’s hard to emote with a mask on. Everyone knows how important that connection with the crowd is and it’s really hard when people can’t see your face. But if I had a tail, I could use it to hype the crowd. It’d stand up straight and confident after I landed a drop-kick. I could wag it after a victory. If I was in a sleeper hold, the crowd could see how their cheers pump me up, as may tail goes from between my legs and rises off the mat in rhythm with their shouts. It’d be like having another little wrestler in there, helping to tell the story. I’ve dreamed of having a lot of special things in my future, but never a tail. I can’t wait!”

Despite Randy’s enthusiasm for an augmented body, Kalialani reiterates that the procedure would just extend an already present membrane over the eye, not add appendages. She says, “I don’t know what it is with people on the internet, we have no plans or desires to create tails, fur, big eyes or floppy ears at this time.”

STORYLINE

Controversy Grows Over Newuskin and Ceremplant Acquisition With Release of Troubling Video

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It was the biggest acquisition in history and sure to turn the healthcare and medical industry on its ear. At the beginning of the year, Reparre Biologic confirmed the rumors that had been circling the markets for months. They had reached a deal with Vereserum for the purchase of their widely successful Newuskin business and the perennially floundering Ceremplant. Almost immediately, Reparre was criticized over the purchase price, and allegations of misdealings began to leak out to the media. Now, almost three months later, the accusations have reached a fever pitch over a video that purports to confirm stories of animal mistreatment at a Reparre research facility.

The deal was the largest ever, worth a whopping $295 billion. The news was huge but was soon overshadowed with questions about how Reparre was able to secure the capital for the deal, the viability of their business plans, and allegations of government collusion. However, the deal was not without its backers.

Many pointed out that the Ceremplant was originally created to treat those with visual impairments, a field that is currently dominated by Reparre. In addition, the company’s successful telemedicine program relied heavily on data received through Ceremplant technology. Reparre had also recently partnered with Nuuskin to offer Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments for animals, changing the future of large-scale farming. To some, the acquisition allowed the company to better control the largest growth areas it had ever seen.

President of Reparre Biologic Shawn Hastings said, “We are excited about continuing the work we’ve already begun as partners, and look forward to exploring the future with our new family members. We plan on more tightly integrating Ceremplant and Newuskin technology, as well as bringing our TCO research into more mainstream medical fields. We’d like to incorporate more complex services and explore the deeper medical possibilities created when you combine Newuskin technology with our tailored DNA and stem cell medicine. I think we’re just stepping through the doorway into a whole new realm of advanced medical procedures.”

Less than a month later, Hastings promises seemed to be coming true when the company announced the introduction of NU-U booths to facilities offering Newuskin treatments. Any positive momentum was cut short this morning however when a troubling video was released by Gaia Guard that purports to show the horrific treatment of animals at a Reparre research facility.

There had always been rumors of ghastly experiments mirroring the infamous baboon whiplash study conducted at the Head Injury Clinic in Philadelphia in the early 1980s, surrounding Reparre’s TCO research lab. Stories about dogs being progressively more injured and then healed using the company’s technology were never confirmed but were widely circulated. These experiments reportedly became more gruesome after the Newuskin and Ceremplant acquisition. While the video doesn’t show any of the more outlandish stories, like animals being severely burned or dismembered before being treated, it is troubling enough on its own.

In the 6 minute long video, dozen of dogs can be seen receiving implants and enduring a wide range of surgical injuries. From simple contusions to gaping lacerations and even the severing of the spinal cord, the animals are injured and then healed. Many of the animals in the footage are heavily scarred suggesting that they have endured multiple procedures. The video ends with what appears to be a dog being chemically euthanized before being brought back to life.

Reparre denies that the footage is from their facility and says you only have to look at the credibility of the source to determine the truth. They say that their facilities are closely regulated and monitored by numerous government agencies and find the treatment of the animals in the video “repugnant”. They have also expressed outrage over the media outlets who have shown the video, calling it a piece of propaganda produced by a terrorist organization.

The Office for Protection from Research Risks (OPRR) says that there is no evidence that the video is from a Reparre facility and agrees that the source cast doubts on its authenticity. They are however launching an investigation with their own personnel and veterinarians from the American College of Laboratory Animal Medicine. Reparre says they are cooperating fully with the agency and promise to be “completely transparent” during the investigation.

STORYLINE

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

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All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

STORYLINE

Trial of Cult Leader Involved In Newuskin Robberies begins in Maui

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All eyes were turned toward the Second Circuit Court in Maui today as the trial of alleged cult leader Sebastian Malu began. Malu and members of his group, the Eternal Cycle, are accused of breaking into a Newuskin facility in Lahaina and stealing a large quantity of biological materials. The group claims that they were simply trying to perform proper services over what they consider are human remains.

The Eternal Cycle was founded in early 2047 in response to the cutting-edge beautifying treatment, Newuskin. Parent company Vereserum calls the technology the best tool available to combat the aging process. Sebastian and the group claim that the process is something much more ghoulish.

According to prosecutors, Malu and an unnamed group of his followers broke into the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa in Lahaina, and destroyed equipment including a number of Newuskin devices. In addition, they contend that members of the Eternal Cycle stole a large quantity of biological material set for disposal and refuse to disclose the location or disposition of said materials. Sebastian says that the so-called “biological material” is actually human remains.

Representing himself, Malu’s opening statement said in part,

“What Vereserum is offering goes well beyond a simple beauty treatment. They are trying to pass off a Newuskin procedure as nothing more than a glorified facial peel or teeth whitening. What they are doing is much more insidious. They refuse to discuss that this process involves full organ and sometimes body replacement. I will present company sales materials proving that they demand their partners not discuss this ugly fact with the public. In essence, a Newuskin procedure results in the death of a person created from the innate energy that runs through all things in the universe, and the construction of a new false body for vanity. Vereserum wants to mask this fact through legalese and technicalities. They know what they are doing goes against nature and common decency. They are trying to hide it from the public by demanding that the discarded bodies resulting from their unnatural procedure be immediately cremated. We are not using these bodies in perverse or disrespectful ways, or profiting from their sale as some at Kokua have been for the past year. We are simply trying to give the vital spirit and energies trapped inside these abandoned vessels a proper release back into the eternal cycle.”

Malu is referring to a scandal at the Kokua Wellness Center earlier this year where a federal sting operation discovered an individual who was selling leftover Newuskin materials to a wide variety of individuals, including biotech companies and collectors of the macabre. Details of the investigation remain sealed, presumably because of some connection to the Eternal Cycle case. Opponents of the Newuskin procedures say that this is an untalked about, but common practice for facilities that offer the treatments. Vereserum disagrees, and vehemently denies those accusations, taking issue with Malu’s characterization of the Nuuskin procedure.

Company spokesman and CTO Ryan Mandal says that while there have been some unfortunate circumstances surrounding this one facility, on the whole, Newuskin technology is safe and ethical, and the facilities that offer the procedures are secure and professional. He says,

“This technology has a 2 year proven track record and with many years of previous government scrutiny. We take pride in offering a conscientious and safe procedure to every customer who chooses to go through the Newuskin process. The individual who was selling jarred feet at the Lahaina facility was not representative of the high standards our partners and we strive to maintain. They have been dealt with according to the rules of law. For Sebastian to suggest that we are somehow stockpiling bodies like cordwood is as ridiculous as his defense in this case. While it is true that our procedure does involve the reconstruction or replacement of some biological tissues in our customers, the leftover materials are not people anymore than a pulled tooth or removed tumor is. By any reasonable measure both legally and morally, the Eternal Cycle are wrong and we are confident that the criminal justice system will help them see the error of their ways.”

Most legal experts agree with Mandal but say that Malu is probably not interested in winning the case legally, but instead exposing some of the lesser-known facts about the beauty procedure. In that case, he might have already won. The Newuskin facility in Lahaina has been temporarily closed and there have been calls for further investigations into Vereserum and the procedure at the capital. The case is expected to finish in a few weeks but the questions about Newuskin raised are likely to last much longer.

STORYLINE

Woman Who Embezzled Money For Newuskin Treatments Speaks Out

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37-year-old Megan Van Allsburg was formally sentenced today in Maui District Court for embezzling millions while she worked as the director of sales at the trendy Aloha Shores condominiums. Van Allsburg stood accused of a number of fraud related crimes including: selling units in a non-existent expansion of the property, and over selling timeshares, all to fund what prosecutors have called an obsession with weekly Newuskin treatments. After listening to a lengthy, and at times rambling statement from Van Allsburg, Judge Vincent Kalama upheld a plea agreement, sentencing her to 36-months in jail. In addition, Megan must pay back all the money she misappropriated. Prosecutors say they hope this finally brings to an end what has been one of the most unusual cases ever heard on the island.

You only have to look at how packed Front Street is on a Saturday afternoon to see how popular Lahaina has become over the past decade. While it was never considered a “hidden jewel,” there’s no doubt that the area has gained a lot of attention recently, and Lahaina is booming. Businesses are scrambling to establish a presence in the old capital of the Hawaiian kingdom, and homes are selling at all-time highs. It was this hunger for Lahaina living that allowed Van Allsburg to operate so brazenly according to officials.

Megan used her contacts, and personal relationships with tenants to convince many to sign fraudulent lease increases, but she didn’t stop there. Over the course of three years she: oversold timeshare space, convinced investors to put money into a fictitious expansion of the property, and even sold units inside the bogus building, all to pay for regular Newuskin treatments.

The story of the conceited crook made headlines on the mainland, and dominated the Maui news cycle. Van Allsburg’s sentencing was no less dramatic this morning, as the verbose criminal read a 15 page, often rambling, statement before Judge Kalama, and those in attendance. The statement reads in part:

“Despite what everyone may think, I share something in common with the people I defrauded, I love Lahaina with all my heart. But sometimes you do stupid things when you’re in love, as this case and my actions demonstrate……I resent the way I’m being portrayed as some sort of haughty snob worried about looking perfect. That’s not who I am. You see, I come from Dutch and Irish descent and have naturally very pale skin. My Newuskin treatments weren’t about looking pretty, they were about being able to go outside without fear of burning….

Most people can’t understand what it’s like having to slather coats of lotion on your body, having to feel like a cupcake covered in sunscreen frosting whenever you go out. I didn’t know there was any other way of life until I got a certificate for a free Newuskin treatment as a bonus one year. The whole thing took less than an hour. My freckles were gone, I had a nice tan for the first time in my life, and I could walk out in the sun for hours without worrying about burning to a crisp. I realized then that I had been trapped by my own skin for too many years.

Can you imagine what it was like to live in paradise, but not be able to go out during the day and enjoy it? I was finally free to truly enjoy this beautiful place. I was free of floppy hats, umbrellas, and staying in the shade. I could walk on the beach during the middle of the day in a flattering swimsuit, and not long sleeves with a scarf to protect my neck. I didn’t have to worry about getting lotion on my blouse or hair ever again. Fair skin may be great for princesses in old stories, but I was living my own fairy tale, playing in the sun without worry for the first time in my life…..I apologize for what I did, but not how I feel. Unless you’re a ginger trying to live on the islands you can’t really understand.”

Aloha Shores spokesperson Frank Lacey says they are looking forward to closing this ugly chapter in the community’s history. He points out that while management had signed off on a few of the fraudulent agreements, the investigation clearly showed that Megan acted alone. He says that the business is doing everything it can to accommodate those damaged by Van Allsburg’s actions and help address the medical issues of their obviously troubled ex-employee. “We’ve implemented new procedures to ensure nothing like this happens again. Our hearts go out to everyone who had their Aloha Shores dreams crushed in this case. However, we have an exciting new opportunity inspired by these unfortunate events for everyone involved,” he says. “We are pleased that the State has allowed us to help Megan continue her Newuskin treatments in prison, as they now have become a medical necessity. While we don’t condone her actions, there’s no doubt that her ideas surrounding this fake expansion were terrific. We only wish she had come to us instead of embarking on this criminal enterprise on her own. The prospectus materials and plans she put together were so great that we felt they needed to become a reality. That’s why we are officially announcing that we will be expanding Aloha Shores. We’re offering those duped out of their money, first crack at becoming part of our Aloha family, for real this time. Given recent events, we understand why some may be hesitant, but with all the media coverage you can rest assured that this isn’t all one big scam like it was before. Call or email for details and availability.”

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Permanent Perfume Trial Cancelled Over Side Effects and Health Concerns

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The FDA has ordered a trial involving a new controversial Newuskin procedure shutdown, out of concerns over the procedure’s safety and possible long-lasting side effects. The Permaroma procedure promised patients that their bodies would produce an enduring, personally-tailored smell, removing the need to apply perfume or cologne. While most involved in the Lahaina trials reported no serious side effects, the FDA expressed concerns over a few recipients who suffered major issues involving the Permaroma treatment. Newuskin points out that none of the reported side effects are life-threatening, and says they will support those suffering adversely from the procedure.

For decades people on the go, or just wanting to avoid hours of makeup application, have opted for permanent makeup treatments. Mimicking the look of freshly applied lipstick, eyebrow pencil, lip liner, or eyeliner through a process similar to tattooing, permanent makeup treatments are relatively common these days. The Permaroma procedure was designed to be the next logical step in permanent beauty treatments. Recipients would no longer need to “freshen up” their perfume during the day or between events because their own sweat glands would produce a custom-made scent throughout the day.

Unfortunately, the procedure has not gone as planned in all cases. The most commonly reported issue revolves around the scent itself. Newuskin says that each patient is given a detailed questionnaire to identify their olfactory preferences, and their personal chemistry is carefully studied to match with the most appropriate individual scents. Nonetheless, the procedure does not always hit the mark. Instead of being surrounded by the smell of citrus, vanilla, or flowers, some have found themselves producing smells like: bleach, garlic, sour milk, rotting meat, sulphur, mildew, and even burnt toast. While giving off a bad smell is not life-threatening, it can be socially crippling to those unlucky enough to involuntarily produce them.

“Despite this setback, we believe strongly in the future of Permaroma,” says Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters. “We obviously feel terrible for anyone suffering any ill-effects and are working with them to resolve the matter as quickly as we can. However, I think we should be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case. There is no doubt that having your body naturally give off the perfect smell throughout the day is amazing. It saves time and worry, but we think the future of Permaroma goes much further than that. We believe we are close to unlocking the full potential of one of the last mysteries of the body, human pheromones. Imagine if you could literally give off the smell of confidence, calm your children with your scent, or let that special someone know just how much you appreciate them with a sniff. It is our belief that we are on the verge of opening up an entirely new form of human communication, but first we need to better understand why the procedure makes some people smell like garbage. I’m confident we will.”

While giving off a bad smell is the most common negative side effect, it is not the only one. A handful seem to more readily produce their personalized scent than normal. For these patients, the outcome can be just as bad. Scott Stonegate says he and his wife Elizabeth were excited when they learned that she had been accepted into the Permaroma trial, but that excitement turned into embarrassment and regret soon after the procedure.

“It was all Elizabeth could talk about in the days leading up to the treatment, and I was happy that half the bathroom counter wouldn’t be filled with tiny glass bottles anymore. It didn’t take long for the Permaroma procedure to be completed, or for the trouble to start. It was kind of hot that day, and within a few minutes the entire interior of the car reeked of night jasmine. We had to open the windows it got so bad. Things seemed fine when we got home, and we wrote off the incident as a fluke until that night.

I woke up coughing and choking. It was like I had been shot in the face with a lavender cannon. I could see she was having a bad dream, and I felt like I was in a nightmare too. The smell was so strong I could taste it sticking to the roof of my mouth. I shook her shoulders and tried to say her name but it was thick in there, and I had to get out of the room. It got a little better when she got up, but our problems weren’t over yet.

We decided to walk around the neighborhood to clear our minds and sinuses, but as the sun rose in the sky, so did the smell again. Before long, Elizabeth was dragging a trail of citrus and shame many yards behind us. It sounds strange, but I swear all the hyacinth blooms in the neighborhood seemed more fragrant when we walked by, like they were trying to compete with Elizabeth or something. I couldn’t tell what smelled more, the flowers or her. I could see people outside sniffing the air, long after we passed. The warmer it got, the more intense the smell got. It was then that we figured out that anytime she was upset or got too warm, the smell would just go off the charts.

It’s been hard. I’m sleeping on the couch most nights, and we’re forced to keep the house at 60 degrees or the smell gets too strong to stay inside. Elizabeth doesn’t want to do anything but tend to the flower garden. She doesn’t go anywhere because she’s embarrassed, and being embarrassed just makes the smell worse. We’re hopeful that they’ll figure it out, and Newuskin has been very proactive in resolving the issue, but it’s been exhausting emotionally. I’m not sure that we’ll ever get the smell out of my car’s upholstery, and we’ve had to throw away numerous sets of sheets. I guess It’s been hard on Elizabeth too. Who knew that wanting to always smell good, could feel so bad.”

STORYLINE

Announcing the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw

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For over 6 years, The Kokua Wellness center and spa has been the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. We strive to not only respect the therapies and techniques of the past but also explore the wonders of cutting-edge technology. We are constantly evaluating new procedures to better serve your needs, and things are about to become more wonderful. As you know, last year our facility was one of the few chosen to partner with Vereserum to bring you their amazing Newuskin technology. The demand has been nothing short of extraordinary.

We’ve never been happy to simply reside in the realm of wonderful, however. Instead, we believe in manifesting the phenomenal through hard work with our partners and visualizing success. Bolstered with our intentions, and unrestrained by government rules on human testing, our Newuskin family have created the most advanced pet revitalization and shaping center in the world. We are proud to announce the opening of the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

Now both you and your four-legged family member can receive the pampering you deserve. Simply drop off your pet, and choose from a number of our exclusive offerings. While we’re helping you reach your potential through one of our many classes, or creating a better you with Newuskin, we’ll be working hard to give you a companion worthy of your attention.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of pet ownership is all the hair. The help is constantly working to remove it from the floors and furniture. Grooming is too time-consuming and most vets say that waxing is not an appropriate option. If you’ve ever had to leave a social function because of the crushing embarrassment of having rogue pet hair on your clothing, you’ll love Vereserum’s new shed-resistant hair technology.

With this exciting treatment, you can ensure that your pet’s hair stays where it belongs, on your pet. With a simple touch-up every 90 days you can say goodbye to the groomer forever, and let your cleaning staff devote their attention to more important tasks. For an additional nominal fee, we can match your pet’s coat to a specific outfit. Instead of being humiliated by your pet’s hair, turn them into the perfect accessory that you always hoped they’d be.

This new technology can even expand the usefulness of your pet’s hair with an iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrade. Now your pet’s coat can truly shine! Effortlessly spot your animal at night, and make it easier for them to be seen by motorists. This offering is perfect if you have young children who are scared of the dark. Imagine the security they’ll feel by having their own personal four-legged nightlight.

Short of keeping them inside a sealed container, there is no way to completely protect your pet from the dangers and filth of the outdoors. Nothing is as bad as the horror of a flea or tick infestation. Even the most pampered pooch can be exposed to these tiny nightmares from less vigilant pet owners. In the past, your options were limited to potentially toxic sprays, drops, and collars, or simply getting a new pet, which can be emotionally difficult. Now, you have a better choice.

Vereserum’s repellent skin deters parasites with an all-natural chemical barrier that stays with your pet for up to 3 months. In addition, the treatment slightly thickens your pet’s epidermis making it more resilient to irritation. In some cases, we’ve seen up to an 80% reduction in unsightly scratching or rubbing. Give your pets the skin you and they deserve.

Despite the best breeding, sometimes your furry family member grows into a disappointment. Breed standards are stringent, and until now pet owners were forced to live with imperfections. With total pet rejuvenation, you can finally have the perfect pet. Your animal will not only receive the shed-resistant hair and the skin upgrade, but we will reshape its features to perfectly match the standards of its breed. (Note: this process disqualifies your pet from showing in most animal clubs and associations.) Imagine the pride you’ll feel when that slightly crooked tail is finally straight or that bent ear stands tall as it should for an animal befitting its station.

Due to the number of inquiries, we will be expanding our offerings to now include pigs and rabbits as well as cats and dogs. Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy some of our more established programs including our holistic grooming classes and ultra-whitening teeth procedures. Call to inquire about times and availability. We will discuss pricing and payment options in person at the facility. Sorry, we are not offering any financing options at this time. No walk-ins, please. Hurry, as we expect high demand and have a limited number of openings. Be sure to ask about animal ceremplants! They make training easy, and better yet allow for a two-way relationship with your cat, dog, pig, or rabbit.

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”