Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

Get What You Need with Dispensed-4-Me

Are You Ready to Live a Happier, More Fulfilled Life?

A recent survey shows that at least one in six Hawaiians experience anxiety and depression during their day, and the problem is even worse on the mainland. Studies show that more than 93 million Americans between 18-85 will experience a mental health issue in their lifetime. Until now, overcoming those problems has meant taking potentially dangerous medications, or costly visits to a healthcare professional. However, the days of lying on a couch and talking about your feelings are over. Thanks to Dispensed-4-Me’s groundbreaking mood assessment and emotional comfort technology, the key to your happiness is just a selection away.

How Does It Work?

Working in conjunction with biometric data from your ceremplant, the Dispensed-4-Me vending machine cycles through numerous options and images, while measuring your micro-expressions and physical responses. Our advanced algorithms then determine the package and items perfect for you, and your mood. We’ve worked side-by-side with mental health professionals to tailor our items for the specific emotional needs of all of our customers.

Can I Really Order Happiness From a Vending Machine?

Convenient, quick, and cheap, the vending machine has satisfied billions since its invention, but until now there was no easy way to get an emotional boost in a hurry. Well, now you can! Dispensed-4-Me machines can detect a wide variety of emotions, and will dispense a package containing items specially designed to help you work through whatever you’re struggling with, or celebrate your accomplishments.

What Are Others Saying About This Technology?

The media coverage has been overwhelming, and the Dispensed-4-Me system has been hailed as one of the greatest breakthroughs in mental health and wellness in the past 50 years. While we appreciate all the attention and accolades, we measure success in happy customers and positive reviews like this one. “As the owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction I find that I don’t always have the amount of downtime I deserve, and I’m usually way more stressed than I’d like. I was skeptical about using a Dispensed-4-Me machine at first, but I couldn’t be happier! I just drink a couple of beers and think about leaving work early, while the machine cycles through pictures. The items in the “Island Mood” package are perfect for a lazy day around the island: beach towels, really nice rubbah slippahs, tickets to the dolphin show at Aloha Shores, music, lists of all the beach bars and their locations, hats, and I even got this awesome little origami turtle once. It’s easy to use, and gives you everything you need to get into the aloha mood! ”

Where Can I Find a Dispensed-4-Me Machine?

Dispensed-4-Me machines can be found in the Lahaina Veilstation and select locations across Maui. See our website for a location near you. Let our amazing technology help you through the good times and bad. A better day is only a button away!

Warning:

    • The Dispensed-4-Me machine is not a replacement for a licensed mental health professional. Dispensed-4-Me does not guarantee happiness, joy, delight, elation, or jubilance. Consult a professional before using a Dispensed-4-Me machine.

 

 

    • “Island Mood” is not an emotion recognized by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Avoid surfing, bodyboarding, kitesurfing, paddleboarding, swimming, snorkeling, and other water activities while using products from the “Island Mood” package. Do not engage in marital congress, indulge in a Newuskin gender change, or consume pork products while using any items inside the package.

 

 

    • Seek immediate medical help if you experience spontaneous rage, homicidal thoughts, crippling depression, or periods of mania after opening a Dispensed-4-Me package.

 

 

    • Avoid using alcohol, operating heavy machinery, or making important personal, or economic decisions while enjoying a Dispensed-4-Me package.

 

 

  • On rare occasions, the Dispensed-4-Me flashing imagery has led to dizziness, memory loss, and seizures. Do not drive or begin any home improvements for at least 3 hours after using a Dispensed-4-Me machine.
  • Do not open a Dispensed-4-Me package in front of animals or anyone under the age of 13.