STORYLINE

Daredevil’s Attempt To Recreate Failed Stunt Hits Roadblock

For reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, October 1st was going to be a day of redemption, a chance to recreate the stunt that almost took his life, hopefully with a different result this time. However, that chance to “make things right” as Wilcox says, has been put on hold after the Mayor’s Office has decided to withdraw their approval for his second attempt to leap off the Lahaina communications tower into a pool of Manimal. Spokesperson Ellen Pahili says that Mr. Wilcox has “failed to make any meaningful changes to the emergency plan filed with the county”, making the stunt too dangerous to attempt.

Everyone in Lahaina remembers where they were when they heard the news about the accident, and many witnessed it first hand. Well known for his many stunts, reality series, and backyard wrestling show, Wilcox is no stranger to the public eye. It came as no surprise that he would be the main attraction to close out Manimal’s, “Release the Beast Weekend.” Nonetheless, what he was proposing caused even his most diehard fans to pause.

Wilcox planned to climb Lahaina’s communication tower, light his fireproof jumpsuit on fire, run 30 feet down a zipline, and leap into a specially constructed pool of Manimal waiting below. Needless to say things did not go as planned. Now, almost five months later Wilcox says his quest for redemption is being blocked by bureaucrats.

“It took almost 4 months of procedures and therapy for me to get back to where I was. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the chance to make the jump again was the only thing that kept me going,” Wilcox says.

“I hadn’t counted on the wind to be that strong. Everything was going as planned until I started to freefall. My cape was catching a lot of air, and I could tell it was pushing me off course. I tried to take it off, but I wasn’t fast enough. I landed on the edge, and heard the bones in my back and pelvis break before I felt them. My momentum spun me head first into the pool while I was screaming. If that wasn’t bad enough, I now know that Manimal is a non-Newtonian fluid at certain temperatures, so even the liquid was harder than I had anticipated. I got a big mouthful before I could take a breath, but at least it put out the fire. I couldn’t move, I was broken, and drowning in a pool of energy drink, but the last thing I thought before blacking out was, ‘Well Randy, you’re just going to have to try and do this without the cape next time.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Despite his eagerness, the mayor’s office is not sold on a second attempt. They point out that Mr. Wilcox isn’t even done with rehab yet, has made no material changes to the stunt, and has not filed the proper emergency/safety plans necessary for a permit. “We aren’t doing this to further injure Randy. We’re doing it to help him. We have a duty to protect the citizens of Maui, even if it is from themselves,” says spokesperson Ellen Pahili. “We all love watching Randy’s antics but this one is too much. We won’t help someone kill themselves over lost pride.”

Wilcox admits that recreating the stunt is personal for him, but says the jump is also about bigger ideals like courage, determination, and overcoming adversity. He adds that he plans to donate all proceeds from his second attempt to the Lahaina Fire Department and other first responders. “They are the best in the world,” he says. “Besides the Release the Beast jump, I have had a long and personal relationship over the years with Lahaina’s emergency services. They have helped me many times when things haven’t gone as planned. It’s only right that I give a little back. I hope I can reach an agreement with the Mayor’s Office. I’m doing this for everyone who’s been told that they can’t or shouldn’t set themselves on fire, and leap off a tower into a pool of energy drink, just because it almost killed them the last time.”

Many agree with Wilcox, and an online petition has been started asking the mayor to issue the required permit before the Oct. 1 deadline. Among his most vocal supporters is none other than Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Kane says he is in awe at the speed of Wilcox’s recovery and determination. He says that Randy deserves a second chance at “awesomeness.”

“Randy has been a great customer over the years and is a perfect example of what can happen when maximum energy and hydration collides with total determination. Like everyone who watched the first jump, I was horrified, but I think Randy just let his inner beast a little too loose that day. I’m sure he’s tightened things up for this time around. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve heard it theorized that Randy’s amazing recovery was in part due to his immediate immersion in Manimal. Some say that the energy boosting chemicals and compounds helped support him, and gave his failing systems the extra push they needed to keep going. I hate to think what might have happened if he had crashed into a pool of lesser drink. Manimal was there for him that day, and we plan on being there for him on the first.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces New “Regional Flavors” Product Line

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There’s no doubt that Lahaina’s favorite canned meat product has come a long way since Art Pua’a blended up that first loaf in his kitchen almost two decades ago. Hawaiian’s love of SSHAM is famous, and helped the company expand to the mainland, where it has become a guilty pleasure for thousands living on the West Coast. But what if the company’s famous shrimpy-ham flavor was replaced with shrimpy-goat or shrimpy-duck? Would consumers really go for SSHOAT or SSHUCK? The company is banking they will, and is set to launch a new line of SSHAM designed to cater to specific tastes and regions of the U.S. as well as the international market.

Whether you have a slice with your coffee in the morning, or diced in your noodles later in the day, if you live on Maui, chances are you’re going to eat SSHAM today. A recent survey showed that over 50% of Maui natives eat SSHAM at least once a day. According to SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a that sort of brand loyalty is no accident. The company’s success comes down to listening to his customers and focusing on the familiar flavors of the island, Art claims, and now he plans on doing the same in a number of regional markets.

“We’re really building on the massive success of Pineapple SSHAM,” he says. “We learned a lot about the draw of familiar flavors to consumers. There are just certain things you expect to eat when visiting specific locations. Some foods and proteins are a part of an area’s culinary DNA. We’ve identified over 30 of these areas, both on the mainland and internationally, where we feel we can take advantage of non-traditional meats and tastes. You’ll hear the herds of bison thundering in your belly when you taste a chunk of SSHISON in the Great Plains, consumers in North Africa will be anything but gruff when they open a can of SSHOAT, and our Chinese friends will be quaking with delight with every slice of SSHUCK. By providing customers with the flavors they grew up with, elevated by the amazing taste of SSHAM, we hope to make our canned meat products a staple across the globe.”

While goat flavored SSHAM may sound strange to many, Pua’a’s plans are not that unusual. Many restaurants and grocery chains offer special regional menus and products in different areas and countries. Industry insiders say the expansion could be huge for the company if their products are well received. If SSHAM can gain a customer base internationally as loyal as it is in Hawaii, it could be a game changer for Pua’a and his employees.

Despite Pua’a’s exuberance, not everyone is sold on the idea of using regionally specific proteins. Creature Comfort Animal Sanctuary Director, and the man behind Lahaina’s park cleaning squirrel crews Brandon Kama worries about the animals planned to be part of the new line of products.

“I think SSHAM needs to be very careful with a few of it’s planned products. Conservation laws and practices can vary greatly in other countries, and they all don’t take sustainability as seriously as we do. Some of the flavors I’ve seen make my stomach churn, not because of their questionable palatability, but because of the undue pressure on populations that stuffing some of these animals into a can of SSHAM could cause. Take their planned whale infused product, WHAM, for example. The international community has clearly said that whaling is cruel and inhumane. Yet Art seems happy to grind up whale meat and put it in a can if he thinks there’s a market. The misplaced sea otter pod that has taken up residence in Oneloa Bay is thriving. What if someone decided their meat was delicious? Would we see cans of SSHOTTER on the shelves? I feel that the company should slow down and learn more about these animals and their populations before grinding them up.”

Some islanders have more unique concerns about the new SSHAM products revolving around the urban legend of the shrig. Glimpsea and YouTube personality Randy Wilcox has publicly questioned the expansion over concerns of new animal hybrids being created and possibly escaping.

“Shrigs are real and they’re no joke! My brother and his wife broke into the factory a few years ago looking for the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM created to save money. Nothing happened to him, but my sister-in-law got bit by one when they were trying to sneak back out. She didn’t get a good look at it, but she saw a doctor and got pictures of the wound on her backside. One of them escaped and broke into a Big Bites store less than a month ago. Now imagine how much damage an armored lion, tiger, or bear could do? Oh my is right! You can’t turn back time on an angry Shear. I think someone in the government needs to take a good luck at what they’re making in that factory before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Competition To Crown New Duracave Brand Ambassador Wraps-Up This Weekend

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In a little over 48 hours, Duracave, the popular maker of outdoor and survival gear, will be one step closer to crowning a new brand ambassador. The semi-final leg of the competition wraps up Saturday evening, bringing a group of Duracave enthusiast within reach of becoming the face of the company. Notwithstanding a few hiccups, the competition has been a huge marketing success, with millions following the company’s livestream and watching contest videos.

Almost 2 months ago, Duracave announced the search for a customer to become the new brand ambassador. The company screened thousands of videos looking for a spokesperson who not only used Duracave products, but had “the will, ingenuity, and heart of a real survivor.” Hundreds of hopefuls have been whittled down to a dedicated dozen, who have spent the last 5 days in West Maui with only their skills, what they can find around them, and Duracave products to survive.

Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says he couldn’t be more proud of the contestants who’ve made it this far, “Survival isn’t a game where there’s winners and losers. You either survive or you don’t, it’s that simple. I can’t say that I’m proud of everyone who entered so far, after all there is no such thing as a Duracave participation trophy. Frankly, I cringe a little when I think about some of the contestants we’ve seen using our products, but I can say that I would be proud to drink some purified urine with any of our 12 semi-finalists!”

While many companies have turned towards crowdsourced contests and competitions to promote their products cheaply, Stone says the Duracave challenge is more about brand authenticity.

“All too often consumers see spokespeople who are just paid actors or people with no organic connection to a product. Our customers are just too savvy to believe that models eat cheeseburgers by the handful, or that celebrity don’t have people who handle their finances and credit card bills for them. Duracave lovers don’t have the patience for that kind of nonsense, and we wouldn’t patronize them with a clean-faced spokesperson in freshly pressed pants.

We want a brand ambassador as authentic and real as the struggle to survive is. We want someone who: knows how to gut an ungulate with a sharp rock. Someone who not only knows what the water from a puddle tastes like, but has learned to love it. The kind of person who puts their survival and that of their loved ones above all else, and is willing to do what others won’t to secure it. We want someone ready to do what it takes after a natural disaster or a government insurrection. Our products are valuable tools for people like that, and we want one of them speaking for us.”

Despite authorities having to save one contestant after his handmade outrigger canoe became swamped by waves near Black Rock Beach earlier this week, the competition has gone off without a hitch. Many were concerned that would-be ambassadors would disturb protected areas inside the Lahaina preservation zone. Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) senior investigator Greg Iona says, “So far there haven’t been any problems in that area. In fact, a few haven’t even gone inside the zone so far.”

One such contestant, Lahaina’s own Randy Wilcox, says avoiding wild areas is part of his strategy. “Most people aren’t going to be out in the middle of nowhere when everything goes to hell; they’re going to be in a city. I’m focusing on showing how Duracave can help you survive in an urban setting too.”

So far his strategy has paid off, and his unconventional strategy has made Wilcox a fan favorite.

“Unlike most contestants I’ve chosen a beach area to show-off my skills. While it may be too windy for a structure built from sticks and twine, I’ve built a hut out of empty Manimal cans filled with sand and a few repurposed beach umbrellas. I’ve cubed up a couple cans of SSHAM, and are using them as candles. Not only do they provide enough light to allow me to work on my manifesto at night, but the smell attracts crabs and some of the slower moving seabirds. I’ve been using whatever comes to close to my hut to supplement my stash of Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. I also borrowed my nephew’s “Little Liberty Survival Kit” for this stretch of the competition, and have cobbled together a speargun. I’ve been trying to attract sharks on the other side of the reef with my own blood. Even though I haven’t been able to land one yet; It’s only a matter of time before I’m able to chum one close enough to hit. These other competitors may have worked hard and endured uncomfortable circumstances, but I’m the only one who has actually added blood to their sweat and tears. Duracave deserves nothing less in their next spokesperson!”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Plant-Based SSHAM Receives Mixed Reviews In Lahaina

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The processed meat world was turned on its ear this week when SSHAM introduced its first completely plant-based formula, SSHANT. Despite rumors that the bright green loaf was a St. Patrick’s Day stunt, it appears the algae-based flavor is here to stay. While some are calling it the worst vegan-friendly food on the market, SSHAM fans are hailing the new variety as a great meal-time option. The company claims that SSHANT is “…a big first step in food sustainability and tastier plant-based mealtime options.”

SSHAM is probably the last thing on the average person’s mind when they’re planning a meatless Monday menu, but SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a hopes to change expectations. With an estimated 12 million Hawaiians eating at least one vegan meal a week Pua’a is hoping to break into the growing plant-based food market. SSHANT is the company’s first vegan variety and has been an unexpected hit with Lahaina consumers.

“It’s all about sustainability and locally sourced ingredients,” says Pua’a. On the heels of its “regional flavors” product line that saw such varieties as Pineapple SSHAM and the goat-based SSHOAT, the company is betting that SSHANT will be the cornerstone to a whole new group of eco-friendly products.

He says, “Trying to balance feeding a larger population while ensuring minimal environmental impact is a growing concern for us. How our food is produced and what types of food we’re eating can have a significant effect on the planet. Our goal is to have a can of SSHAM in every pantry around the world, and the only way we can do that is with SSHANT. Our revolutionary drying and pressing process combined with locally grown algae from Ananas Farms has allowed us to create the best tasting most sustainable plant-based food the world has ever seen. The future of canned food is SSHANT and we’re more than happy to give everyone a taste of what’s to come.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, however, disagrees with the SSHAM CEO. The transpersonal plating instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that SSHANT is the worst vegan food he has ever come across calling it a “disaster in a can.”

“This wolf in plant’s clothing is devoid of all the things that make a plant-based diet healthy. The pure solar energy that fills most vegan foods is eclipsed in SSHANT with sodium, fillers, and artificial flavors. It is full of sugar, highly processed, and quite frankly has the consistency of hard gelatin. Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are a huge public health concern that can be combated with a healthy plant-based diet and regular tonal cleansing. Instead of promoting cellular harmony, SSHANT will throw your immune system into chaos. This is not the beginning of a food revolution. The only thing revolutionary about SSHANT is how few nutrients make it through the canning process. I can’t warn the public strongly enough to stay away from this misleading and misguided product.”

One look at the nutritional information on the can does show that SSHANT is incredibly high in fat, sodium, and sugar for a product many consider a “health food”, but SSHAM fans don’t seem to mind. In fact, some consider it a selling point. Streamer and Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox says he likes that SSHANT doesn’t try to change the things that make SSHAM great.

“People don’t eat SSHAM because of how healthy it is. They eat it because it tastes great. SSHANT tastes so much like regular SSHAM that I couldn’t believe it. Like many Hawaiians, I’ve thought about making more plant-based food choices but I didn’t want to be associated with the kind of people who are always talking about how awesome not eating meat is. I mean nobody wants to be the dude who brings the kale salad to the Luau.

I understand that eating more plants and fewer animals might be better for the environment, but who wants to live in a world like that. Sheep are great but I don’t want to become one. Until I found SSHANT I never knew that eating vegan could be cool. I don’t worry at all what my friends will say if I show up someplace with my teeth stained green.

I work better on a high nitrate and sodium diet. It may be a little too gelatinous for my liking but the taste more than makes up for the texture. There aren’t a bunch of added vitamins and minerals to screw up the flavor, just a natural blend of algae, preservatives, and flavored binders. It tastes like science and the sea, not a handful of leaves. SSHANT is vegan food for people who don’t want to be vegans.”

STORYLINE

Merchant’s Association Cancels Valentine’s Day Promotion Over “Inaccurate” Menehune Dolls

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After a day of protest and mountains of negative feedback, The Lahaina Merchant’s Association (LMA) has decided to end its controversial “Menehunny” Valentine’s Day giveaway. The LMA had been handing out dolls based on the mythological race of little people, the Menehune, for almost a week before deciding to end the promotion. With pink and black hair, a monkey-like appearance, and slogans like “Loving Lahaina” and “Be My Menehunny” emblazoned on the doll’s chest many had called the toys disrespectful to the Menehune legend. The LMA says they apologize for any ill will the dolls may have caused and hopes that everyone feels the spirit of aloha on Valentine’s Day.

Whether it’s from one the many statues around the islands, a children’s book, or a story from your tutu about the things they built before the first settlers arrived, most Hawaiians know about the legend of the Menehune. The mythological dwarves who live in the deep forests and secluded valleys are said to be great craftspeople. Many structures attributed to their construction skills still exist, and they are one of the most recognizable characters in Hawaiian folklore and that’s the problem.

“I don’t know what those things are but they’re not Menehune,” says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “They look like monkeys that accidentally broke into a dye factory. The slogans across the chest are just the worst. The Menehune are a part of our tradition and history, for anyone to use them in some sort of marketing campaign is gross. What makes it worse is that this idea came from a group of businesses right here in Lahaina. They should know better.”

LMA chief strategist and anthropology minor at the University of Maui Lahaina College Ken Hekili says the toy design was not meant to be disrespectful. “A lot of thought and time went into the Menehunny dolls. Pink and black go together quite well, and the simian-like appearance is based in science and captures the upward trend right now for monkey toys. According to the profs in my 300 level classes, many islands in this part of the world had populations of small archaic humans. The “hobbits” on the island of Flores, Indonesia being one of the most famous. We tried to imagine what the Menehune would look like if they were a long lost part of our family tree and they were employed to promote Valentine’s Day in Lahaina. To be honest I thought we nailed it. Their outfits and slogans were exactly what we thought protohumans would be comfortable with wearing or saying for a marketing gig. Obviously, the public thought differently. We apologize for any anger our dolls may have caused.”

While many businesses remained quiet about the promotion owner of the famous Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, says he understands the public’s reaction and hopes the LMA is more careful in the future. “Not all change is good, just ask the dinosaurs,” he adds.

“Everyone knows what a Menehune looks like. They’re an enduring part of our folklore. You wouldn’t go to Ireland and try to sell leprechaun dolls that looked like cockroaches. You wouldn’t decide one day that Santa’s Elves should really look like lizards from now on because you’re selling heating lamps. People like things the way they are. Everyone knows that a Menehune is a little smiling, pointy-eared guy wearing a traditional hat, not a pink striped monkey dude with a slogan on his chest. Not everything needs to be reinvented or used for a gimmick.”

While most of the backlash seemed to focus on the appearance of the dolls there are a handful of people who say that the Menehunny toys are closer to reality than the depictions common today. Some even say that the Menehune still exist in isolated pockets of the jungle. One such believer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Randy says he had an encounter with a real Menehune last year after an accident in his garage.

“I had just bought one of those portable Duracave 127 reactors, and I was working on it in the garage. In the last few years, we’ve added some serious lasers to the pyrotechnics at our backyard wrestling events. The problem was we kept blowing breakers, so I was hoping the new generator would give us the juice we needed. I’m rarely satisfied with running things stock so I was trying to amp up the output when the explosion happened. Now I’m no stranger to riding a pressure wave through the air but this felt different and when I landed in the brush there he was.

The color on the toys was wrong but he was definitely hairy. He told me that the world was going to end this year and that I should prepare myself accordingly. He gave me some tips on my wrestling costume saying I was more of an autumn and should focus on more orange fabrics. He started to give me a recipe for something called “survivor pie” but my head started to hurt so bad that I had to close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up to my aunt’s dog Minny licking my face. My family says that I was talking to Minny the whole time and I’m confused because of the concussion, but I know what I saw. Menehune are real, they’re hairy, and they have a great eye when it comes to costumes. I’ve never looked more vibrant in the ring.”

STORYLINE

Emergency Moving Service a Hit With the Public and Homeowners Alike

There’s no doubt that some of the most gorgeous properties on the big island are in the Puna, Kua, and Kona districts. The near perfect weather, breathtaking views, and surprisingly affordable home prices may make the areas seem like a dream come true for those wanting to own a bit of Hawaii’s beauty. However, they are not without one big danger. Much of the area is located within lava zones, making the prospect of losing not only your home and possessions, but your life as well, a real possibility. Worse still, is the fact that during an active lava flow, it is up to most homeowners to gather their things, and make their escape on their own. But a new high-risk, emergency moving service is helping property owners facing a complete loss a chance to save some of their most beloved items.

Randy Wilcox, star of the hit reality show Veil Sale, where he and a partner purchase abandoned freight and forgotten luggage at Veilcorp warehouse auctions, has come up with an emergency moving business, specializing in servicing those in the path of lava. “I don’t like to do anything unless it stimulates me. I would never work for a traditional moving service, with all the packing and scheduling, but ‘Go With Dah Flow’ is different. It’s the first moving service of its kind, and the best hope for people facing the prospect of watching everything they worked for, disappear underneath encroaching magma.”

While, It is possible to buy insurance in an area deemed a lava zone by The United States Geological Survey (USGS), the policies are hard to find, expensive, and extremely limited. Before Go With Dah Flow, a homeowners best bet was to keep a close eye on USGS predictions, have an emergency travel bag, and accept that some of their possessions would be claimed by magma. While it’s not a common occurrence, many facing the prospect of dealing with a lava flow swear by the service.

37-year-old Puna resident Kai Iosua says Go With Dah Flow saved almost all of her most prized possessions, even if they weren’t exactly careful with her house.

“Less than 90 minutes after I called Go With Dah Flow for help, I heard a loud buzzing over the house. I was scrambling to pack up some old pictures, and letters from my grandfather, and wondered if the power lines were coming down. Just then, a woman in work overalls crashed through my kitchen window, rolled over the table, and said, ‘Give me a list of your top ten favorite pieces of furniture and where they are.’

Before I had time to process what was going on, the front door was kicked in, and a man was asking me about any pets or collectables. More people came in, and they started to cut a hole in my roof. I saw that the buzzing noise above the house was one of those construction drones with a cargo net. When I settled down, and could answer their questions, I was amazed at how efficient they were. While my house took quite a beating, they had everything packed up in no time. The whole thing took less than an hour. In the end, the lava stopped well-short of the house, and now I have quite a repair bill, but Go With Dah Flow did everything they promised. Next time I won’t be so quick to pull the lava alarm.”

Wilcox says that it’s the stories of happy customers like Iosua’s that makes the work so much fun. “I was part of a community patrol group looking for embers and burning ash in Lahaina during the Lanai wildfires earlier this year. I learned a lot with those people, but I couldn’t help but think that we should be doing more for the people losing their homes. One of the group started talking to me about these lava zones on the big island, and how hard it was for those people in the path of an active flow. We had a meeting, worked out some financing, and a bunch of us started Go With Dah Flow. It’s been one of the best decisions of my life. My views on YouTube and Glimpsea channels have never been higher.

We have a heavy duty construction drone, and a group of trucks with solid tires, aluminum nitride ceramic floor pans, and tungsten drive trains. Of course, none of that would save a truck, or the people inside, should it get stuck in an active lava flow, but it makes some of the team feel better. While some have called our methods careless or gratuitously destructive, I like to think of them as efficient.

Look, when someone calls us it’s because their home is about to be buried in molten rock. It’s already lost. Our only concern is to get important belongings out as fast as we can. If that means breaking some doors, knocking down a wall or two, or removing sections of the roof, well that’s what needs to be done. Besides, if we finish early it gives us a chance to see how close we can get to the flow before the truck’s tires start to melt. Some of the team has a different definition of “acceptable risk” than our insurance company.”

Wilcox says that if all goes well with Go With Dah Flow, he’d like to expand into other areas of the emergency moving business including floods, industrial accidents, and hurricanes. “I just wish we had more severe earthquakes on the islands, and better prediction models. I can only imagine how many views I’d get if I could jump one of the moving vans over a freshly opened chasm.”

STORYLINE

Controversial New Procedure Promises Clear Underwater Vision Without Goggles

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A prominent Reparre Biologic researcher says that she has developed a way to allow people to see clearly underwater without the use of goggles. Her procedure involves creating a nictitating membrane, a structure found in many marine mammals and sharks, that would protect the eye while in the water and allow greatly enhanced vision. She says the procedure could be done at any Newuskin facility in a matter of minutes. The company hopes that they can start offering the membranes as an option, along with other treatments, by the end of the year.

In the animal kingdom, a wide variety of species have nictitating membranes. Sharks, reptiles, birds, and even camels have an extra eyelid to help protect their eyes from harsh elements or improve their vision. However, according to the procedures inventor Alanai Kalialani, the remnants of one exist in humans too.

Kalipalani says that there are a number of vestigial organs and structures in human beings that people are familiar with: the appendix, the tail bone, and wisdom teeth just to name a few. What most people don’t know, is that they have part of an extra eyelid as well. “It’s called the plica semilunaris. You can see it in the inside corner of your eye. It has turned into a little fold of tissue. The muscles attached to it are vestigial as well. All we do is build up the tissue a bit and strengthen the muscles,” says Alanai.

Since the news broke about the proposed procedure, many have expressed concern over the treatment and wondered publicly if the operation should be done at all. Many feel that since Reparre’s acquisition of Newuskin the company has pushed the boundaries of good taste and the law. Troubling videos of animal experiments, supposedly from inside a Reparre testing facility, were released a few months ago that sparked a government investigation into the company. Reparre denies that the videos were shot at one of their labs but public opinion remains mixed. A vocal group sees the procedure as a step too far and comparisons to the famous H.G. Wells character of Dr. Moreau have been common. According to Kalialani it wasn’t an old science fiction story that inspired her however, it was a story from her father.

“My father was a rescue swimmer for the Coast Guard for years and experienced a lot on the job. He never talked to us when we were kids about specifics. I don’t suppose tales of drownings or near-drownings make the best bedtime stories, but when I got older he shared some of what he saw with me. One story in particular haunted him and stood out to me. It was the middle of a horrible storm and a container ship was in trouble. The load wasn’t properly secured. The boat had already tipped and was on the verge of sinking. Some of the containers had opened and the churning water was filled with clothes, coats, plastic totes, and scared people. My dad lost his mask almost as soon as he hit the water, when a wave slammed a tote into the side of his head. He found two survivors and gave the tote to one to hang on to while he helped the other into the survival ring. By the time they lowered the ring back down and he turned around, the other survivor was gone. Even though it was dark, he dove down, grabbed him and brought him up. When he cleared his eyes, he saw it was only a water-logged coat. Without his mask, he couldn’t find the survivor. It was dark and stormy and the water was filled with debris so chances are he wouldn’t have found him even if he had his mask, but that rescue still haunts my dad. I wanted to do something that could help people like him by giving them a tool to make their job easier and help save lives, not because I always wanted to be a mad scientist.”

Despite Alanai’s assurances many still feel that the treatments cross a line that would be hard to walk back from. An anonymous letter sent to the Kokua Wellness Center reads in part, “[The treatment] pushes the boundaries of good taste. What’s next, sharp pincers for a seamstress? What about someone who doesn’t like their shape and wants to become a cube? I don’t blame these people, they are quite clearly sick. Instead of indulging these aberrations of thought, we should be letting them know that there already is a perfect version of themselves. They can see it in the mirror anytime they want.”

Still, others think the process should go further and hope that the most salacious concerns come to pass. Local resident and YouTube sensation Randy Wilcox says he can’t wait to add some “upgrades” to his body.

“I never thought that Kokua would offer something that would appeal to a guy like me, but I’d be first in line to get a pair of shark eyes. There’s a lot of other things I’d like to get too. Webbed feet might be cool, maybe some little horns or something awesome looking like that. To tell you the truth, there’s one thing I’d like more than anything else, a tail. I don’t want one to hang off of things like a monkey, or sting people, although that would be great. I want a tail to help me express emotions. We’ve been really focused on lucha libre style wrestling for my channel lately. While it’s a lot of fun, it’s hard to emote with a mask on. Everyone knows how important that connection with the crowd is and it’s really hard when people can’t see your face. But if I had a tail, I could use it to hype the crowd. It’d stand up straight and confident after I landed a drop-kick. I could wag it after a victory. If I was in a sleeper hold, the crowd could see how their cheers pump me up, as may tail goes from between my legs and rises off the mat in rhythm with their shouts. It’d be like having another little wrestler in there, helping to tell the story. I’ve dreamed of having a lot of special things in my future, but never a tail. I can’t wait!”

Despite Randy’s enthusiasm for an augmented body, Kalialani reiterates that the procedure would just extend an already present membrane over the eye, not add appendages. She says, “I don’t know what it is with people on the internet, we have no plans or desires to create tails, fur, big eyes or floppy ears at this time.”

STORYLINE

Cocktail-Mixing Truck Serves up Manimal Drinks Around Lahaina

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The 5th annual Manimal Cocktail Championships are being held this weekend in Lahaina, and that means one of the most controversial aspects of the competition has started prowling the streets this morning. For the next few days Manimal’s huge cocktail mixing “Jacked Truck” will give locals, tourists, and enthusiasts alike a taste of what they can expect to enjoy during the celebration. Despite numerous complaints last year, and a vigorous campaign from critics, the mayor’s office has given the green light to the iconic symbol of the cocktail championships.

In some parts of the mainland the returning of the robins marks the beginning of spring, in other areas the turning of the leaves ushers in the fall, but in Lahaina, the appearance of Manimal’s “Jacked Truck” is an undeniable sign that one of the most loved and hated events of the year is about to begin.

Holding 2,000 gallons of Manimal cocktails, the converted mixing truck roams Front Street and the roads along the beaches alike, offering anyone 21 or older a drink or two or three in order to “Get Jacked!” about the competition. Manimal CEO Spencer Kane drove the truck for its maiden voyage of the year down Front Street this morning. “I’m always impressed by the response we get from our fans when they see the Jacked Truck. It’s become a really iconic part of the cocktail championships,” he says.

“When we began converting the mixer that would become the Jacked Truck, I was skeptical. First, I wasn’t super sure that people would really want to have a drink from something that was used to mix cement. Second, I worried that the cocktails wouldn’t be safe to drink or even taste good, and lastly I wasn’t sure what the regulatory agencies would say about driving around and distributing thousands of gallons of mixed drinks to the public. To my surprise everything went down as smooth as a Sloe SSHAM Fizz. The public went crazy for the truck, the biggest problem we had was keeping it filled. Everyone wanted a chance to drink straight from the chute, and the rates of hospitalizations were fairly consistent with previous years. While we can’t allow chute drinking anymore, the public response is still overwhelmingly positive. This year we’re hauling nothing but Lahaina Sunrises, the winning drink from last year, and expect to go through over 10,000 gallons this week.”

While it is true that the truck is one of the highlights of the event, it has always driven with a good deal of controversy trailing behind. A petition drive threatened to put the vehicle on blocks, but mayor Albert Cravalho was able to broker a last minute compromise that allowed Manimal to keep the truck on the road this year.

“I have the greatest respect for Mr. Kane and Manimal as a company. They have been a great partner in a number of endeavors and really came to the rescue after the devastation caused by hurricane Neki. However, the Jacked Truck has always made me cringe a little. I understand the public’s concerns, and to be honest we had a number of concerns ourselves. Above and beyond the worry about what sort of message having a commercial vehicle, filled with alcoholic beverages driving around distributing drinks to the masses sends to the public, we were very worried about the use of the chute, and over-serving. I’m proud to announce that we have come to an agreement that I think everyone can live with. Manimal will now use a number of hoses to deliver drinks instead of the chute, and drivers will carry at least 4 cases of water inside the cab at all times to offer a non-alcoholic option to those who’ve had too much already. It’s this kind of common sense cooperation that got me into politics to begin with, and makes Manimal such a valued part of the Lahaina community.”

Mayor Cravalho may be pleased with the agreement and new safety protocol, but people on either side of the issue say they are still not happy. Critics say the Jacked Truck sends a horrible message to children about alcohol and is a danger to the public, even with the new restrictions. Others like Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox, say banning drinking straight from the chute is an attack on their freedoms. “I mean what’s the point of filling up a mixing truck with booze if you and your buddies can’t try to gulp down a torrent flying down the chute,” he says.

“I had hoped that the Jacked Truck would be able to drive right through this bubble wrapped society, but I guess I was wrong. I suppose the next thing the safety police will want is to ban bottles and glasses during cocktail week to keep their feet safe from shards of glass. The whole point of this week is to celebrate the Manimal lifestyle, and enjoy what true freedom feels like. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it’s a hunk of glass in your foot. That’s life. Take this whole chute thing. It’s ridiculous! A few years ago I had started the week a little too strong, and had passed out on bench downtown. I was so out of it that I didn’t even hear the beeping as the truck backed up towards me. My buddies helped the driver line up the chute over my head and the BAM! About 10 gallons of Abramo Bomber poured all over me. I inhaled a bunch of it and I almost had to go to the hospital, but I pulled it together and learned the most important lesson of cocktail week, “Never be the first one of your friends to fall asleep.” Life’s all about lessons and the only way to learn those lessons is to take off your helmet and elbow pads and survive them pouring down a chute over your head.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina’s Biggest Food Delivery App Accused of Eavesdropping on Users’ Conversations

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Over the past year, it has become Maui’s most popular food delivery service, but now Lahaina based Hailoha-Eats is coming under fire from privacy advocates and concerned citizens alike. The company is accused of using its app to listen in on users’ conversations, even when they aren’t ordering anything. The company strongly denies the allegations, but Maui officials say they are looking into the complaints.

Whether you carefully go through every information sharing feature on your social media sites or you’re the kind of person who broadcasts everything openly from your ceremplant, there’s no doubt that privacy has become a big issue in our daily lives. Targeted marketing campaigns and personalized ads have become big business. While most of us expect to have our internet activities tracked in some way, that expectation does not cross over into real life. However, a concerning number of customers now report that is exactly what Hailoha-Eats is doing.

According to the results of a month-long investigation by privacy experts, the company has been “monitoring user conversations and using speech recognition tools to recommend certain foods and products from Veilcorp partners…..even when the app was not in use.”

The report goes on to say, “A user complained to Hailoha-Eats late last year that after she mentioned to a colleague that she was having SSHAM casserole for lunch, she was immediately hit with advertisements for SSHAM on all her social media sites. Similarly, a user based in Lahaina supposedly asked a Hailoha driver about their favorite surfing spots during a ride, and received numerous emails about surf shops only minutes later…… While most customers have complained about the app itself, there have been several stories linking the company’s eavesdropping to Hailoha vehicles as well.”

Hailoha says the allegations are without merit and the result of competing delivery services trying to take advantage of recent privacy concerns involving Veilcorp and their controversial drone program. Numerous Hailoha drivers have pushed back against the allegations that the company is recording customer conversations. One, in particular, says he finds the report and the accusations offensive.

Mark Me’e says, “I take the covenant of passenger and driver very seriously and would never do anything to break it. With so much of our lives connected online, or captured on video, there aren’t many places you can count on privacy or people you can talk to freely. Priests, lawyers, bartenders, and ride service drivers, these are the last stewards of free expression and privacy. If my customers didn’t think my car was a safe place to complain about their boss, spouse, friends or family, I’d stop driving. I consider all the conversations in my car sacred. What you say in Mark’s car, stays in Mark’s car. If I thought that any of these accusations were true, I’d drive away from Hailoha and not look back.”

While the report does not definitively conclude that Hailoha vehicles are listening in on conversations, it offers much evidence that the app is doing exactly that. One customer’s experience in particular highlights how dangerous this practice could be if proven true.

Randy Wilcox says he and some friends had just ordered some food and were busy playing a video game when things took a dangerous turn.

“There’s nothing better than potstickers when you’re playing Run Amok V with your friends. They stay good forever and don’t get in the way when you’re mashing buttons and going on a rampage. I had just ordered a couple of platters before discussing with the crew if we should rob the bank first, or go down to the waterfront to take out some tourists and collect some collateral bonuses. We decided to bloody the beach first and had just spotted the volleyball nets in the distance when all hell broke loose.

The apartment door was kicked in, followed by an explosion. Before any of us could figure out what was going on, tear gas began to fill the room and Ricky took a bean bag round to the face. We were all choking and drooling when the police threw us on the floor at gunpoint, screaming about where our weapons were. They said they had information that we were planning a terror attack on the beach. There’s no way a neighbor overheard us because I had the game room sound-proofed months before because of their complaints. It had to be the app. While I usually live for intense experiences, this one sucked! Poor Ricky still can’t see out of his left eye and the flashbang burned the carpet pretty good. From now on I’m not saying anything near my phone. It’s nothing but texting for me.”