STORYLINE

Attention SSB&P Employees: I Don’t Think You’re Hungry Enough!

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Hello SSB&P employees. As we approach Q3 together I wanted to give you an update on changes to the org chart, and share some of my concerns. In short, the last 2 months have been amazing in a lot of ways. Under my keen leadership, and Phil’s extensive knowledge of the building from years of leading the maintenance team, we have come out the other side of this fracture thing. The transition team helped in it’s own way, but as some of you might have heard, I’ve made some changes. I’ll get back to that in a moment, but they taught us to break out the carrot before the whip when I was getting my MBA at Harvard, so here it goes.

I’d like to take a brief moment to acknowledge our few successes. Besides the transition team we have only lost 3 individuals since fate offered us another bite at the apple. Not a bad showing considering Phil’s assessment of your basic survival skills. We’ve managed to make some adjustments to the robocallers with Phil’s help. Without getting into the technical details, we can now call other dimensions. Results have been disappointing so far, but coupled with our interdimensional innovator program, we have managed to gather one good lead. Phil’s crew is currently working on the old Veil Ed Write Board in conference room A. He hopes it will be ready for use in the program before the end of the week. That’s it. That is the extent of our achievements, and that is unacceptable.

The transition team was just that. A team to help with our transition. We are no longer in transition. Phil and I did most of the cooking around here, so to speak, so we decided to remove some of the cooks from the kitchen. I’ve transitioned the transition team into what we are calling The Evaluation Board. Starting today, all employees are in a constant state of review, because I don’t think you’re hungry enough.

The employee packs you were provided with when we all agreed to continue our work here talked about drive, commitment, and a craving for success. I just don’t feel it. When I walk down to the mezzanine and look in the suggestion box it’s empty and starving for ideas. When I walk into the cafeteria and see all the smiling faces talking over coffee it makes me sick! We need thoroughbreds chomping at the bit. I fear some of you are headed for the glue factory.

Phil and I have worked tirelessly on organizing this party and nobody has brought a dish to pass.
He suggested at the very beginning that we trim some more fat but I declined because I had faith in you. You have let me down. I don’t understand the attitudes around here.

Half of you walk around with grins on your faces like you’ve accomplished something. What have you done, survived? You survive at the behest of Phil and I. What the hell are you grinning about? Do you really find mediocrity that fulfilling? The other half of you mope around all day talking about your families. Guess what? Your families aren’t real anymore. What are you going to do, go home and talk about your day? Are you going to mow your lawn? Take the kids to the park? They’re gone! Everything is gone! The only thing that matters is your commitment to SSB&P business. Your job is the only thing real now. I’m not sure what group is more pathetic, but I know how to find out.

Everyone knew that Sandy and most of HR didn’t want it bad enough, so I removed them from the party right away. It turned out the transition team didn’t earn a seat at the table either. Now it’s time to see who is eager for a win. I know I am. In addition to cutting our team down by half over
the next week, I am cutting off cafeteria privileges until you’ve earned your keep. I don’t want you hungry. I want you ravenous. You have until the end of the week to impress me. Bread is for winners, and I don’t see any of those around here.

I don’t blame you completely. Part of the problem was the transition team’s low expectations and understanding attitude. The only thing I understand is that adversity breeds greatness. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, so let’s see who breaks. As always I believe the opportunities I’m offering here are deeper than deep, they are infinite!

STORYLINE

You need to Let me deface your building

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Hello marketing person or entry level communication drone dying inside, and forced to sort out any “unpleasantness” from the public discourse for his boss. If the drone is still reading this, I urge you to reevaluate your life so far. How much can you possibly be making? What do you think being told you’re a terrible person a thousand times a year does to someone? I’m sure those honest few minutes each morning in the shower before the water washes away your tears tells you everything you need to know. Do yourself, and me a favor and pass this on to someone who isn’t a loser. If this is someone in marketing. let me get to the point, you are hurting my brand. When you hurt my brand you are ultimately hurting yours. It’s easy. Just in case you don’t get it yet, let me try and explain it to you.

I don’t think you know who I am and what I’m trying to do for both of us and that has become a problem. Let me try and clear it up for you. I am the famous, some say infamous, artist St. Skribillz. Some call me a graffiti artist, or a street artist but I don’t like to limit myself with labels. I apologize that I can’t talk directly with you or call on the phone. It’s important for the persona that I remain anonymous.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the “Illz” campaign that I started 3 years ago. One of the many documentaries about me has called it “The most subversively humorous, and expertly advertised social commentary about the folly of man since the invention of paint.” I have graced over a dozen corporations and organizations with my crafted critiques. In the process, my work has helped thousands. I donate a portion of the sale of each work after I have it removed from your facility. In turn, you get to say that I have defaced a portion of your property. The establishment gets mad and offers to throw you some support, and your name gets out there to all the kids. No press is bad press. Am I right? I’m not sure what you’re not getting. Even the religious groups I’ve condemned have played ball so far.

One of the first targets of the Illz project was your giant veil station in Lahaina. It took me all night to get the geometry of that many toilets in two places at once correct. Don’t get me started about how bad the lighting was the following morning. What is usually a well rehearsed 2 hours of documenting and promoting stretched into the early afternoon. Then I heard later on in the jet that the piece had been removed already. I thought you just didn’t get what I was doing, and would wise up on another attempt.

A year later I found myself back on the island and tried again. Imagine my surprise when it happened again. At first I thought the issue was my assistant Tim. I had updated my paints after the earthquake had destroyed my work in China. When I saw what the hoses and rubble had done to my baby I almost lost it. I still get a little choked up about how faded the color looked after that terrible day. I was so ashamed of the quality of that piece that I never put it up for sale. Anyway, I was sure you wouldn’t be able to clean off my new paints in such a short time, so it had to be Tim.

He had been acting weird in the days leading up to my second attempt. He didn’t tip the Hailoha driver and then told me he did. He was late with his marketing and social trending reports, and worst of all he was taking pictures of things other than the work in order to throw me off. “This place is gorgeous,” he said while snapping away pictures on the beach. As if nature could come close to the level of beauty that staged lighting, vibrant scientifically created colors, and my expert hand affords. When the news crew we had tipped off reported that my accomplishment had disappeared within 24 hours again, I assumed Tim had colluded with you to have the mural cut out and sold.

I’m not especially proud of what happened in the subsequent 2 months. Mistakes were made, but I have learned a lot and growth is important to an artist. I had Tim followed and may have allegedly monitored his communications. The tracking system we put in his car didn’t really reveal anything so I may have allegedly hired people to physically follow him around and report directly to me. Tim was always a little paranoid, so he may have been on edge already after discovering the listening device in his apartment. I guess guys in a SUV following him around was too much for him. I regret the high-speed chase, but the investigation that followed helped me understand that Tim wasn’t involved with the disappearance of my art, and he’ll have full mobility again in a few more months.

Third time’s a charm they say, so I decided to end what has been my most successful art enterprise with you, the biggest and most controversial company on the planet. This time however, I was going to wait around with the crew until the media showed up. I couldn’t imagine that you’d break the social contract between exploitative megacorporation and artistic opportunist again.

Then, even before the local paper showed up, along comes a little old man dragging a power sprayer. As I said, my paints are expensive and earthquake proof now so I wasn’t worried. But before I could stop him, the guy had erased hours of work with one pass of the sprayer. I asked what the hell he had loaded in that thing but he said it was just water. He then explained that the whole damn building had some sort of coating that was resistant to stains and plant growth.

Don’t you think that is something you should talk about more? Maybe mention it on your website? My work is important. Maybe I’m not a gigantic company with thousands of facilities worldwide but I have a following of almost 100 million on social media. Have you checked your’s lately? I have, and it could use a boost. I’m going to be in town for another couple days and I’m willing to try vandalizing your building one last time. I usually don’t like to schedule guerilla art but maybe that’s what needed in this case. Lets help each other’s brands with some positive outrage!

Saint Skribillz

Champion of the Truth
Painter of the People