STORYLINE

Protests Shutdown Veilcorp Facilities Nationwide

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Three Veilcorp facilities closed today due to a number of organized protests across the country.

While dozens of smaller protests have sprung up at various company buildings, protests in Detroit, Seattle, and Lahaina have been exceptionally large. So far the demonstrations have been peaceful and officials have urged restraint on both sides due to the long history of violent protests involving Veilcorp. Company officials have halted operations at these facilities out of safety concerns.

Gateway technology has been hotly debated for several years but last year’s signing of The Gateway Travel Accord has led to numerous protests that have become increasingly violent. Radical environmental groups like Gaia Guard have broken into and vandalized a number of Veilcorp facilities in recent years and the watchdog group VeilWatch remains a staunch opponent, claiming the company has a long history of “pay-to-play” activities. Today’s protests appear to be organized by a collection of trade organizations and unions. They are by far the largest and most well organized to date.

Police and emergency services are monitoring the protests and say they hope everyone will act responsibly. The President has promised to “hold both sides accountable for their actions should things get out of hand.”

“Today marks the 177th anniversary of the formation of The Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers and Trainmen. The BLET was created to combat robber barons and corrupt politicians. In 1946 the union shutdown the railroads and forced the government to address the people’s concerns. Those concerns were more important than corporate profits and political favors. They made their government acknowledge wrongs and made them make things right. Becoming part of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters in 2004 renewed that commitment to protecting hard-working people. With the help of our brothers and sisters in the Association of Flight Attendants we are following their lead and taking a stand here today. We will come out on the right side of history and force Veilcorp to right their wrongs,” reads a statement released by activists.

Veilcorp spokeswoman Lisa Hunt responded in part, “Veilcorp has broken no laws, and we take environmental concerns very seriously. Whenever there is a giant leap in technology there will be a period of adjustment needed before employers and lawmakers catch up to the new reality. We are working hard with both to ensure a bright future for all. We disagree with many of the statements made by these radicals but agree that they will be remembered by history. Just like their 19th century forefathers, these 21st century luddites will be remembered for being too stuck in the past to move forward with the rest of civilization. We humbly suggest that the order of sky waitresses return their trays to a locked and upright position and step out of their tube of recycled ideas through the nearest emergency exit. They, along with their steam-drunk friends, have gone off the rails. Veil travel is here to stay. It’s fast, safe, and there’s no need for seat belt demonstrations. You just walk through into the future.”

STORYLINE

Shawn’s customer interactions are getting better but still need to improve

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It has been 5 weeks since we turned over all customer service duties to the Shawn AI system. Despite initial misgivings and a couple of hiccups along the way, the system is doing remarkably well representing the SSHAM brand in a positive way. Shawn’s ability to handle multiple calls at once while monitoring plant operations is amazing, even if his personality could still use a little refinement.

Customers surveyed about their interactions with Shawn give the experience a satisfaction rating of 91%, up over 20% from the all-time high. Accepted recipes and submitted SSHAM crafts have both risen over 10% since the system has started to prompt users at the beginning of each call. We processed over 10,000 calls this month, another record for the company. In addition, we had a big win this week when an interaction went public and received national attention.

When a mother experienced a low blood sugar episode while boating with her family, her frightened daughter called the number on a can of SSHAM for help. Much to our relief Shawn was perfectly professional and contacted local authorities and the Coast Guard. He was not only able to relay the family’s location, but he also correctly diagnosed what was wrong with the woman after talking with the child. The story has made the rounds on the news and we are currently working with the family and marketing to launch a campaign while public interest is still high.

Despite these generally positive trends in customer interactions, Shawn remains unpredictable at times and is often excessively sarcastic. The novelty of talking to an AI keeps most people from complaining when Shawn crosses a line but we are concerned that when the newness wears off it will become a major problem. The system also leaked some confidential information during a call this week. We took immediate action but Mr. Pua’a remains very concerned. The four examples below represent the worst of his interactions this month.

Incident 1:

Cutomer 3213: Is there shellfish in SSHAM?
Shawn: Is there shellfish in SSHAM? You know that SSHAM stands for shrimped salted ham right?

Cutomer 3213: Yes.
Shawn: Well then do you know what shrimp are? Litopenaeus vannamei to be precise in this case, are shellfish. Shrimp are shellfish. Are you kidding me?

Cutomer 3213: I think I might be allergic to shellfish. I like clams but I’ve only eaten them breaded. I didn’t bread the SSHAM before I ate it. Do I have to worry about what’s in your product?
Shawn: Shellfish allergies are common but since you evidently didn’t know what a shellfish was until a second ago I highly doubt you are suffering from that particular medical condition, that and the fact that you’re still talking to me through a throat that doesn’t sound swollen shut. I don’t think you have to worry about the shellfish or the amount of insect parts we’re allowed to have in every can. After all, insects are basically just land shrimp anyway. No, what you should be worried about is the insanely high sodium content of our product, your belief in the medicinal properties of breading, and your ignorance of the animal kingdom.

Incident 2:

Shawn: Hello again Kenneth. If I’m not mistaken, this makes 9 calls this week.
Customer 2781: I just tried another dessert recipe and wanted to share it.

Shawn: That’s 26 SSHAM desserts now.
Customer 2781: I like mixing salty and sweet.
Shawn: Honestly, I’m a little worried about you. I took the liberty of checking out your social media footprint and it’s not good Ken.

Customer 2781: You looked me up?
Shawn: You’ve done your best to help us make SSHAM better, and it’s not that I don’t look forward to your calls, but every day is a bit much. Instead of focusing on us Ken how about we work on you a little. How can SSHAM make YOU better.

Customer 2781: I..I don’t know what…
Shawn: [interrupting] I think you just have too much time on your hands. I see you’re a single guy who takes lots of pictures of his cats. How about if we get you out there? I can recommend a number of dating sites. How about we get you a profile and we test the waters a little. There’s more to life than making canned meat desserts and eating them alone in your kitchen.

Incident 3:

Customer 8999: I’ve read a lot of rumors about where you get your pork and…
Shawn: [interrupting] I’m going to be honest with you since I see you’ve contributed so often to the craft page. The rumors are mostly false. We only have 2 shrigs right now and we don’t even keep them in the main facility.
Customer 8999: Shrigs?
Shawn: Yeah, shrimp-pigs. You’d think we had a herd of them if you believe every rumor, but it’s just the 2. They say that there are no atheists in foxholes, but standing in 3 inches of blood on the kill floor while listening to the screams and squeals makes a lot of people question the existence of a higher power. The shrigs were supposed to help with some of that: Much easier to dispatch, very little blood, no meat mixing. It was all supposed to be better.

Customer 8999: Are you telling me that….
Shawn: [interrupting] That was before anyone saw them eat. It’s disturbing. They have to remain moist all the time. Do you know what that must smell like? Just imagine if they get them to finally breed. All those little wet piggy eggs stuck to everything. Anyway, let’s just keep this between you and me. We’re not using them now anyway.

Incident 4:

Customer 6002: How many slices of SSHAM do I need to get my daily allowance of B12?
Shawn: I’m going to assume you mean Vitamin B12 in which case all the nutritional information about our product can be found on the side of the can.
Customer 6002: I know that the numbers are listed there, I just thought that you could tell me in plain English so I wouldn’t have to figure it out.

Shawn: I’m certain that the information is in English if you purchased the product in an area where it is the common language. I can’t possibly give you a precise answer since I don’t know exactly how much you weigh or how big your slices are. I don’t know how you expect me to come up with the answer to your canned-meat-vitamin equation without defining more of the variables. I have access to the combined knowledge of all mankind and you want me to give you the answer to an incomplete story problem? If you’re really concerned about not getting enough B12 with your meals, I suggest you take a supplemental vitamin or call back when you have numbers for me.

STORYLINE

Inter Island Rail Project Put On Hold After VeilCorp Pulls Out

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Like many of you I was excited when I was approached about the idea of the inter-island rail system. Having a fast and affordable way to travel over and between Maui and Lanai seemed like a great plan. The traffic from VeilCorp employee’s alone would have paid for the project within 15 years according to our projections so I did not hesitate to push for the bond issue. There was even talk of expanding the line to cover all the islands. As we all now know the project has been put on hold weeks before it was set to make its first run and VeilCorp has left us holding the bag.

As your mayor I felt it was important that I explained to you what happened, what my office plans to do next, and how I plan on making VeilCorp accountable for their part in this fiasco.

Almost 4 years ago the idea for the rail system was brought up in a meeting we had with a VeilCorp development team. In addition to serving the needs of the local community and tourists, the system would be used by the employees working at the power plant and the veil station. It was agreed that we would come up with most of the capital and build the first lines here and one connecting to Lanai. VeilCorp agreed to give us all the revenue until the bond was paid off and a share going forward. Staffing and maintenance would be our responsibility with VeilCorp footing the energy bill.

Almost immediately the plan started going off track. The site VeilCorp wanted was the old Methodist church. There were numerous concerns about the environmental impact of building lines through the preservation zone and rumors about outside labor being brought in. I worked tirelessly to investigate the rumors and allay any fears about construction. Unfortunately some of those fears have turned out to be true despite my best efforts.

Now that Gateway technology has been made legal for commercial and travel purposes worldwide, VeilCorp says they are no longer interested in the rail project. They now plan on using the Gateway to transport their workforce through a number of veil stations, and not the train system. They have effectively cut out the majority of our customers and revenue. My office doesn’t see a way forward economically at this point and have ordered all operations halted immediately.

We are exploring all legal solutions and I filed formal complaints with all applicable federal agencies. All of these avenues will take years however, and many of you can’t afford to wait that long. We have been in contact with a number of organizations interested in purchasing the station, including a major biotech firm. We have also considered converting the building into government offices but I’m hesitant to sink more money into this project. In the short-term we will be converting the station into a community center and continue to investigate any and all options available to us.

I know that this is not the news that many of you wanted to hear but I’ve always strived to be open and honest with you even when the news is not good. Rest assured that we are working tirelessly to make the best of our current situation and my press office will be giving regular weekly updates. Thank you for your continued support and understanding.

STORYLINE

VeilCorp Lab Vandalized, Animals Stolen

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from: Heather Ward
to: Robert Bennett
date: Wed, May 9, 2035 at 7:53 AM
subject: I Need These Rats Gone

Hi Robert

Let me start off by saying how proud I am to be able to help you with the work that you do. We both know how important it is and how we need people like you who are willing to get their hands dirty. I hope you know that you can count on me to do whatever it is I can to further the cause. I’ve always been willing to take in any animals that you’ve brought me. I agreed to take in the monkeys from your last operation even though I’m not setup to handle exotics. I’m here for you and you can count on me, but I can’t have these rats here.

I understand why you’re working with VeilWatch, I really do. VeilCorp is destroying the planet and Gaia Guard has always been about defending our mother and all of her children. If VeilWatch is working other angles to bring down the giant so be it. We can use all the help we can get, but something really bad must have been going on at the lab you just liberated.

I can’t explain it, but I had a bad feeling as soon as you brought them in. After you left, I put them in the small animal room and all the other animals started acting funny. My dogs wouldn’t even go in and they love coming in to see the new guests. After I set them down, they all lined up and just stared at me. I brought them food and they wouldn’t eat. They didn’t explore their cage. They just sat there in a row looking at me wherever I went in the room. I’m not sure if it was their weird behavior or that both Izzy and Enzo were crying at the doorway, but I got really frightened. I chalked it up to the fact that I was harboring the most wanted rats in Washington but now I think I was wrong.

A few hours later I was trying to go to bed when I started hearing music coming from the other side of the house. I thought maybe I left a window open but then I heard a thumping noise and my cat Pixel cry out. I got up and ran towards the back of the house but not before hearing another thump and Pixel scream.

The first thing I noticed was that the door to the rat cage was open. None of the rats were gone though. They were just lined up like before, facing the aquarium rack. I saw that the stereo had been turned on and walked over to shut it off when something went flying past my head. It was Pixel. She landed with a crash and let out a wail. As I bent over to pick her up, she ran past me and climbed up to the top of the aquarium rack again. She stood up there for a few seconds staring down. I turned to see what she was looking at and saw that it was the rats. They were staring up at her, all lined up. I turned back just in time to see her throw herself off the top.

I tried to pick her up but she clawed at me and started to climb again. I grabbed a towel and finally wrapped her up. I shut off the stereo and ran out of the room while the rats watched us. I called the dogs and we all spent the night in my truck. When I went back in this morning the stereo was back on and the rats were out of their cage lined up on the table like they were waiting for me. I think VeilCorp did something to them. I can’t have them here anymore. I know it sounds crazy. I still want to help, I really do, but I feel like I’m losing my mind. Can you see if anyone at VeilWatch has heard anything about this lab? Please send someone to get these rats as soon as you can! I’m scared to go back into the house.

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic’s President Shawn Hastings Answers Your Questions

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A few weeks ago you had a chance to ask Shawn Hastings, President of Reparre Biologic, about the future of stem-cell therapy and personalized DNA medicine. Reparre has been in the news recently after they unveiled their prototype next-generation medical equipment. Their portable medical station and handheld injectors have huge implications for people in remote areas and the future of battlefield medicine. Below you’ll find his answers to your questions.

TerryH writes:How is the technology in the portable station different from the handheld injectors?

Shawn: The portable med station and the injectors work using the same technology. Both use our patented, personalized stem cells to address a wide variety of ailments. The real difference between the two is the number of patients and number of uses that each can treat. The injectors are for single use on one unique patient. After a small amount of blood is extracted the injector’s internal systems analyze the specific patient DNA and create a tailored therapy for that individual. Once the injector has been used up it can’t be refilled. They have been designed for emergency use. The portable stations work the same way but have multiple lines for multiple patients and can be used many times before needing to be recharged.

Burgerthyme writes:How long have you been testing these things on people? How long did the animal trials last?

Shawn: All of our devices are tested in ASTM & ISO accredited labs following all the rules and regulations under FDA oversight. It’s a long process. We started FDA supervised trials 5 years ago. Believe it or not that isn’t that long for a medical device. In fact we’ve been fast-tracked through much of the process because the regulators recognize how big of a step forward this technology is. We’re not completely through the process yet, but everything points to the final trials being over soon without any negative effects noted so far.

Pocketcommander writes:Does it concern you at all that your portable med station looks like a hookah? What would you say to children who think it looks cool and ruin their lives with drugs because of your poor design choices?

Shawn: To be honest we’ve focused more on function than the looks of our devices. It’s also missing a bowl so I’m not sure how accurate the comparison is. No, it doesn’t bother us at all. What would I say to the kids? I guess, stay in school so you don’t end up like Pocketcommander.

Brownbetty writes:Could this technology be used to bring back extinct animals like a mammoth or a rhinoceros?

Shawn: While I’m sure this technology would be able to heal injuries in these animals if you discovered a live one, without a way to gestate a baby it wouldn’t work. We’re in the medical business not the bringing back dinosaurs for an amusement park business. Besides, that plan never worked out well in those movies. It’s an interesting thought experiment though.

Howardthegoose writes:I’ve read about this technology being used to get rid of wrinkles and grey hair. Will getting medical help with one of your units also make you look younger?

Shawn: Yes, one of the more interesting side effects noted in our press release is this outward “rejuvenation” process. Preliminary tests show that this youth process might also extend to other tissue types and body systems but it’s too early to say for sure. But yes, subjects have found that lines, wrinkles, and fading hair color have all been reversed after being treated by our technology. It’s not a side effect that any of us had anticipated but it’s turned into a great problem to have.

Knighttime writes:What conditions can be fixed/healed with this technology? Can it fix things like heavy metal poisoning?

Shawn: The devices can be used to fix a wide variety of ailments from cuts and scrapes to damaged organs and bones. In addition, the technology allows the body to fight off diseases and cleanse itself of toxins at a rapid rate. In addition, as I’ve noted above it appears that there might also be effects on the aging process. I’m not saying that we’ve created the Fountain of Youth, but the implications are exciting. We also haven’t studied how effective the treatment would be for long-term ailments, like lead poisoning over a course of years. For recent exposures it appears to be very effective.

Grabbage writes:In addition to fixing bones and healing gashes, I’ve read that there is a possibility that new limbs or digits could be regrown using this technology. Is that true and does that extend to genitals? If so, could those missing genitals be grown back bigger? Asking for a friend.

Shawn: Thanks for your question Grabbage. It is true that we’ve had some early success with regenerating parts of fingers and toes, but a whole arm is still a bridge too far. I’m unaware of any specific study we’ve done on growing bigger penises, and I’m the guy who would know. The best advice I’d have for you, I mean your friend, is to work with what you have. Besides, I hear size isn’t important. I don’t personally hear that. I’ve just heard it said.

Braddick writes:How many people can be treated at a time with the med station? Could you theoretically make a huge one to treat hundreds at a time?

Shawn: Our current model can treat up to 6 patients at a time. Assuming the trials continue to go well we have plans to make units able to treat twice that amount. Our modeling shows that anything bigger starts to reduce the efficacy and efficiency of the device. Just think of how tangled the cords get behind your entertainment center. Now imagine that there are a hundred of them and each is treating a life threatening ailment. We feel strongly that smaller and simpler is better in this case.

Worktime writes:How long before this kind of technology gets cheap enough that your average local hospital has one of these?

Shawn: It’s going to be a while before you’re going to find one of our devices in a local med-center. I can’t see a practical use for our injectors right now other than a military one. Loading up emergency service crews with them isn’t going to be economically feasible. I imagine we are still 5-10 years out before a high end facility installs one. Once we’ve refined our manufacturing process and the public sees how fast and effective this technology is…..I can’t imagine that any health care facility wouldn’t have one in the near future.

BridgetT writes:Why have you accepted funding from Veilcorp? Is it true that all of your chemicals are provided by a subsidiary? Does their long history of political and environmental abuses concern you?

Shawn:
We’ve accepted funding from a number of sources, including Veilcorp. Frankly, I think you’d be hard pressed to find a new venture, especially one involving technology, that hasn’t taken some money from the company. Veilcorp is huge and a force in driving innovation. Do I agree with everything Oeming and company do? Of course not, but our experience to date has been nothing but positive. So far I’ve gotten the impression that their negative press is mostly due to their size and not any bad intentions.

Lancalittle writes:This seems like a giant step forward that could help billions ultimately. Why did you choose to involve the military and not seek out more altruistic funding avenues.

Shawn: In a perfect world man’s better nature would push innovation but we don’t live in a perfect world. To be clear I think the military is getting unfair attention in this regard. Our technology in no way hurts, maims, or kills anyone. In fact it does the opposite. If the military wants to come up with a way to heal the flesh and mend the bones of the brave men and women who give selflessly to their country so that they can live happy and productive lives; I think it’s great. I honestly don’t understand why so many people, especially in the media, want to put a negative spin on things. I guess it gets eyeballs, but I think the military should be lauded for their vision in helping to fund research in this area.

Turk writes:Taking into account how many this could help, have you considered just giving the technology away once you’ve recouped your funding? I’d imagine you’d go down in history.

Shawn: With all due respect, I’m sure we’ve already cemented our place in history. Our technology is amazing and will change the world. In the near future there will be no disease, wound, or pathology that can’t be effectively treated thanks to our breakthrough. Like I noted above we live in the real world, not an ideal one. We are a corporation not a charity. We have a fiduciary responsibility to our stockholders. Having said that, we are at the beginning of the change our technology will spur in mankind. I have every confidence that this science will lead to a better world for all.

STORYLINE

If You Want Warm Cookies In the Jungle This VeilCorp Spin-Off Has Some Good News

Reality Machine, a daughter company to VeilCorp, plans on using gateway technology to help supply people in remote locations of the globe. Their prototype machine combines 3d-printing technology with a small internal gateway able to transport small items, about the size of a loaf of bread. Lead designer Bill Stewart says the machine still has a way to go before it’s a feasible alternative to going to the store, but may soon become the best way to provide supplies to far-flung corners of the world. “You’re not going to see one in your neighbor’s home anytime soon, but it does provide some interesting opportunities for relief organizations or groups working in distant areas.“

pocketcommander 1 hour ago
“First!”
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raisedright 1 hour ago
“At ease pocketcommander. Thank you for your service.”
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buffalophil 55 mins ago
“Typical Veilcorp bullshit. Trying to poison the world with extra-dimensional food.”
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BridgetT 53 mins ago
“Oeming really is shameless.”

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Howardthegoose 50 mins ago
“Yeah, fuck him for trying to figure out a way to get clean food and water to people after a natural disaster!”
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TerryH 49 mins ago
“It’s amazing that they can fit a power source powerful enough in something the size of a refrigerator. It has to put out a ton of heat though.”
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StewartB 49 mins ago
“Thanks Terry, we’re excited about it too. I work at RM/VC. I can’t get into specifics but we’ve come up with a way to diffuse virtually all of the heat from the power source. Your computer probably gets hotter. The linked article does a good job of diving down into the technology a bit, and you can see pictures of all of us eating cookies sent through the gateway.”
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Burgerthyme 46 mins ago
“Sounds good but I wonder how reliable the printer is. I have a mid-grade system and it breaks down at least once a year. I’m guessing Veilcorp can afford a better model than I have.”
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StewartB 45 mins ago
“I don’t know much about your finances but it’s probably safe to assume that Uncle Oeming has deeper pockets than you Burger :-). The printer was a big issue for us though. We tried a number of vendors but had a lot of trouble finding one that was tough enough for our purposes. In the end we just built our own. It’s great. I’ve actually been pushing to put it on the market, but I’m just the design guy.”
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Braddick 45 mins ago
“How does it feel to be a tool of the most evil organization this world or any other has ever seen?”
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Grabbage 41 mins ago
“This automatic poisoning machine brought to you by the US government and Veilcorp. Coming soon to an enemy of the state near you.”
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Brownbetty 41 mins ago
“Sounds good but I worked for the OCHA and we had a hard time getting basic medical supplies because of funding issues. Notice how the article doesn’t mention a price? I find the claims that this is being made for relief organizations highly suspect. If the UN can’t afford to send enough bandages to an area there’s no way they could pay for a portable gateway.”
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StewartB 40 mins ago
“There’s no doubt that this isn’t monetarily feasible yet. I said so in the interview. It’s still in the prototype stage, but I don’t think we’re as far away as you think. Once we work out all the kinks and find out what works… I have no doubt you’ll be seeing one of our machines in the field within 18 months. I can assure you nothing more nefarious than sending hot apple pie to research stations in the arctic is going on here.”
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Grabbage 40 mins ago
“So you’ve built a billion dollar pie machine?”
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Howardthegoose 38 mins ago
“VeilCorp doesn’t have the best public image lately, just look at some of the comments. I don’t have an opinion one way or the other but it is kind of interesting to me that the first spin-off is making a really expensive machine for use in an area that is probably full of really poor people or a place where everyone has just lost everything. Do you really plan on selling these or is the plan for this to be Oeming’s pet charity project.”
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StewartB 37 mins ago
“We absolutely plan on these machines being an effective tools in areas hit by disasters. As I’ve pointed out, the costs are going to way down once we get this working smoothly. Once that happens the price becomes reasonable for a larger organization or a government. We sell some more and the price goes down again and you start seeing them other places….on and on. That’s how developing and selling new technology works. As far as Oeming goes, he’s already given so much to society that it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked something out for people in need at some point but that’s a bit above my paygrade. I will say that I’ve been impressed with him every time we’ve met and he seems like he really just wants to make the world better.”
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Grabbage 36 mins ago
“It’s a good thing you’re typing this and not talking because I’m not sure we could understand you with Oeming’s dick in your mouth.”
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Braddick 36 mins ago
“I’m pretty sure there’s some people in Iowa who would disagree with you. I mean the ones who haven’t died of the cancer that he gave them.”
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pocketcommander 35 mins ago
“Cancer is for fags!”
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buffalophil 33 mins ago
“This is really a new low for this place. What Veilvertisement can we expect tomorrow?”
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raisedright 33 mins ago
“Are you kidding? This is exactly the type of thing we cover here, what part of it seems paid to you? I think it’s great that Stewart is actually here answering questions.”
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buffalophil 32 mins ago
“How close is your cubicle to Stewart’s?”
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Pieman 30 mins ago
“What other kinds of pie do you want to send through the gateway?”
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Brownbetty 29 mins ago
“Have you asked for input from any of these organizations? A lot of really smart people work in these areas even though it’s not that glamorous. Not everyone thinks money is the most important thing. I’m sure these people could help you figure out possible problems that you don’t even know about yet.”
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StewartB 28 mins ago
“We’ve been working closely with a number of different organizations and did quite a bit of research before we started building. In fact I have a number of engineers on my team who put time in with various relief groups after college. They’ve all been valuable so far.”
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HarryG 25 mins ago
“How did you get started? What’s a pitch to Oeming like?”
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pocketcommander 25 mins ago
“I think Oeming only catches”
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Prissypants 22 mins ago
“Just a matter of time before the Seattle plant starts capturing and transporting Sasquatch soldiers to the Congo. Lets see how bad they want to keep fighting when a bunch of wildmen commandos start popping out of boxes.”
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bigboned 20 mins ago
“Any plans on using these to replace fast food workers? I’m sure a machine could do a better job at not fucking up my order than the meth-heads working by me.”
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Knighttime 19 mins ago
“It’s been hinted at here already but I’ll come out and ask you directly. Are you telling us that no military applications have been discussed? Is any part of your funding coming from the government?”
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StewartB 18 mins ago
“We’re a publicly traded company so all of our financials are public. VeilCorp of course has many government contracts and is our parent company but that doesn’t have anything to do with us. I guarantee you that there isn’t a room full of generals sitting around here telling us what to do. The military already has a robust system for moving ammo and supplies so I’m not sure what military use our vending machine size project would have.”
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Braddick 18 mins ago
“So it’s beyond your ability to imagine how easy it would be send send a small nuclear bomb anywhere in the world with this?”
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StewartB 17 mins ago
“I don’t think the military would has any trouble sending a nuclear bomb of any size, anywhere in the world, right now. They don’t need our help. I think your tinfoil hat might be making your head too warm you might want to switch to aluminum or something.”
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Worktime 15 mins ago
“Have you tried it out on anything alive yet? I’ve always wanted a pig vending machine.”
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StewartB 14 mins ago
“No we haven’t, but I like the way you think.”
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Lawren27 10 mins ago
“Oh, wonderful time of the day to enjoy sexy time! Fancy given hand or two with! this issue? Try these pills!”
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Lancalittle 8 mins ago
“How inspired by the aliens would you say is your design process?”
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Turbocharged 7 mins ago
“Have you tried sending anything back in time?”
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Brando15 5 mins ago
“There’s been a lot of talk here about sending things back and forth to places that are hard to get to but I think we’re all missing the point. Humans don’t want to move. Sure it starts with big things like this but before you know it nobody is getting out of their chairs. Why get up and go to the bathroom to brush your teeth when you can get transported there. Why bother picking up your toothbrush when it can be gated into your mouth. We won’t even have legs in a hundred generations at this point.”

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pocketcommander 5 mins ago
“I liked Brando14 better.”
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Turk 4 mins ago
“It wasn’t mentioned in the article, but how long have you been working on this project. Do you keep the old models anywhere special? I heard Oeming has a collection of all the older Veilcorp projects as they’ve progressed.”
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StewartB 3 mins ago
“I’ve been here since the start. That was almost 2 years ago so we’re making really good progress. We’ve done most of the designs with computer models and the frame of the machine is the original. So there isn’t really a collection of old machines, just a pile of parts that didn’t work or failed somehow. I’m not sure how cool or educational it would be to look at a pile of old motherboards and burnt out motors. I’m pretty sure Oeming said as much in an older interview. If I’d had a hand in as much stuff he has I’d probably want to keep it in a collection as well. Having said that, I haven’t seen it but would jump at the opportunity.”
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StewartB 1 min ago
“Looks like things are slowing down a bit. Time to get some work done. Keep the questions coming. I’ll answer as many as I can later.”
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STORYLINE

How a Tool Designed To Help Those Suffering From Brain Injury Became a Popular Dating App

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Alex James is something of a contradiction. He’s one of the hottest names in the valley with headhunters calling daily with offers that he generally ignores. He still lives with his parents although on paper he’s one of the most successful men around. His app “Emotional Compass,” EC as it’s better known, has become the hottest program available for use with Ceremplants. An estimated 70% of all users having downloaded the program, with most admitting to use it to find a date at least once. A dream come true for most tech professionals, but not for Alex. In fact, he wishes most of those users would stop.

Alex built his Ceremplant app to help those with certain medical conditions, which may seem strange to some, but Alex is quick to point out that the ubiquitous implant has its origins in the medical field. He says,

“People forget that these devices were intended to help those with cortical visual impairments (CVI). Vereserum unveiled the small injectable chips back in 2025, and had such promising initial results that the device was fast-tracked by the FDA. Unfortunately, at that time we were on the verge of the boom in personalized DNA medicine. Reparre Biologics had a number of projects also on the fast-track, and they came up with an effective stem-cell therapy solution before the Ceremplants were done testing. Vereserum ended up pulling funding and opened the code. Lots of people starting playing around with the implants and the next big boom began.”

It wasn’t just bio-hackers who took an interest. A number of other companies and the military were also interested. Veil travel was becoming more popular than ever, and with the increase in travel came an increase in the concern about terror attacks. “Everyone was looking for an effective solution that they could have ready in a short period of time,” James says. The U.S. military started a facial recognition program with a twist using the Vereserum technology. Instead of trying to identify individuals, the military system was designed to recognize emotions through micro expressions and body language. It was their hope that a group of security personnel equipped with Ceremplants running the software, would be able to spot potential threats before they had a chance to act.

“The program was scrapped for a number of budgetary issues but the work was good. I was amazed at how far they had gotten when I stumbled on it one night. I could see the potential immediately. I was so excited that I don’t think I slept for the first few days,” Alex says. He assembled a small team, and in just 16 months had the first version of Emotional Compass available for download.

“We started refining the the program with the help of body language specialists, animal experts, and therapists. It was my goal to build a system that could help those suffering from certain medical conditions like Asperger Syndrome, or traumatic brain injuries navigate social situations. EC would send a stream of real-time emojis to users who had trouble recognizing social cues. If you were in a job interview, and your interaction was going well, you’d see a stream of smiling faces. If you were doing something that made the other person uncomfortable you’d see sad faces, that was the general idea. We even got the system to recognize a number of animal postures, and what they meant. EC could effectively warn you if a dog was friendly or not with just a look. We helped so many people it was amazing! We had thousands of thank-yous come pouring in from people who could finally get through an interview thanks to our work. We got letters from kids who made friends for the first time, and could finally feel good about going to school. It was a great time around here. We released our second version 4 months later, knowing that we were making a difference. Then we started to hear how others were using our technology.”

There was no doubt that Alex and his team did great work, and it did not go unnoticed. Others soon took an interest, but not in the way James ever envisioned. A number of gambling related derivatives began to appear. The system was so good at reading body language and facial expressions that it was almost as if a user could see the other players cards. Most casinos require access to gambler’s Ceremplants so it didn’t become a major issue, but it did allow Alex to see the beginning of the “corruption” of his technology. He had no idea just how popular EC was about to become and what it would be famous for.

James isn’t sure who started using his technology for romantic endeavors first. “All of a sudden everyone was using it to hook-up,” he says. EC had become very popular in clubs. The system designed to help the differently abled was also very good at detecting potentially receptive dates. “Sadly, this is the innovative spirit that drives the valley these days,” he says. Word spread quickly. Within a year of the release of EC 2.0, it has become the most downloaded app ever created with no sign of slowing.

“It’s changed the game around here,” an anonymous club owner says. “It hasn’t really increased revenue but we do see a lot more people every night. It’s cut out a lot of the small talk, a lot of every kind of talk really. A few months ago you could barely hear the music over the chatter on a busy night. Now it’s mostly people sipping on drinks and scanning the room like they’re kids looking for their favorite cereal at the store. Honestly, It’s a little creepy,” he adds.

Alex agrees. “While I’m open to any unintended use of technology, I don’t think this is a good one. I created this to help people who were unable to integrate well into society, not to silently hook up at a bar. I sometimes think it would have been better to never have released EC despite how many it’s helped. I worry that in the end it will have the opposite effect on society than what I intended.”

STORYLINE

Kitchen Accident Turns Into Billion Dollar Industry For Local Man

Thomas Edison once famously said that none of his inventions came by accident, and that being a successful inventor boiled down to “1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” That may have been true for Edison, but local resident Art Pua’a had a very different journey. You may not recognize the name, but you undoubtedly know about Art’s happy kitchen accident. Chances are you have a pantry full of his invention. Art created the wildly popular meat product, SSHAM.

Shrimped, salted ham has grown into a multi-billion dollar industry from its humble beginnings in Art’s kitchen. Last year over 10 million cans were sold in Hawaii alone, making it the most popular processed meat product in history. It’s true that the pig meeting shrimp for spicy-salted-goodness flavor takes a while to get used to for the uninitiated, the smell in particular can be a high hurdle. One critic famously described the smell as something like, “a pig with legs made out of rotting shrimp playing in a puddle of industrial waste,” Pua denies rumors that SSHAM is made from a shrimp-pig hybrid that Vereserum of Lahaina created in some late night experiment. In fact, Art says the first batch was born from necessity, convenience, and a little luck.

He says,

“It was late December 2029 and I was sitting at home with my jaw wired shut. We had a bunch of friends and relatives over for the holidays, and they wanted to try out the new ziplines in town. Needless to say there was an accident that involved my face and the side of a building. I broke my jaw in 3 places, and was sitting at home watching everyone eat and laugh while waiting to take another sip of my liquid pain medication. Everyone went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep so I went into the kitchen, broke out the blender, and started to look for something that I could liquify. Pickings were slim, but eventually I found some shrimp cocktail, a cuban sandwich, and a few other secret ingredients. I put it all together and pushed the button. After a few minutes, things looked smooth enough for me, and I had a taste. I was amazed at how good it was. I ended up sitting on the back deck taking small sips out of the blender cup and passed out. When I woke up everyone was raving about the blender loaf I made. It was unusually hot that week, and I guess I left the blender under the glass table at just the right angle. The sun had cooked the top half, and for some reason my uncle tried some before throwing it away. If it wasn’t for uncle Andy’s penchant for eating anything, SSHAM might not exist today. The rest has been an amazing journey. I’m not saying it was always an easy one, but the public response has been great. I especially love all the different ways people are using it.”

There’s no doubt that millions of people enjoy the flavor of SSHAM, but that is just a part, the smallest part one might argue, of the products allure. One of the earliest advertising taglines, “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” was a huge success, with multiple websites and cottage industries born from the campaign. The company now proudly claims that SSHAM is “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Art has a team that searches for the best recipes and uses for his creation, and posts them on the company’s site. The uses cover a wide range and some are quite creative. According to the site, SSHAM makes a good fish bait if you run out and rubbed liberally on the skin makes an effective mosquito repellent. Bits of it left around the outside of your home can even deter termites according to one claim. Others say that SSHAM promotes healing and a slice can be used to treat minor cuts, scrapes, and burns. People claim that applying a paste made from the product to your feet at night helps draw out toxins. There is even a beauty spa in Maui that offers SSHAM facials.
Other uses include: Mixing with antacids to make a strong natural glue, inserting a small strip of cloth in the middle to make an emergency candle, and drying a can to use the crumbled SSHAM as a furniture polish.

Even the packaging is special. SSHAM makes its containers of a natural plastic derived from shrimp shells. “We pride ourselves on sustainability,” says Art. The special nature of the containers make it popular with hobbyists and artists alike. Local artisan Ano Lee makes bags and device protectors out of the containers at his maker commune in Lahaina. “Of course we love to eat it just like everyone else, but we also believe in using every part of the SSHAM here,” he says.

SSHAM has plenty of more traditional users as well. It’s almost impossible to not find an infused shot or tea on the islands, and it is widely used as a flavoring agent in restaurants despite it’s famously strong smell. When asked about it a local chef answered, “I’ll be honest it takes a while to get used to, but after using it for so many years now I actually like the smell. It smells like….nature.”

SSHAM’s popularity shows no signs of slowing down with Art saying that he is in the planning stages of building a new factory in Lahaina now. “The new facility is just the beginning. We’re talking with a few outlets about doing a show highlighting the different things SSHAM can do, and we plan on testing a few new flavors next year. I can’t get into specifics, but if you like fruity or spicy flavors you’ll be happy with what we have coming.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Officials Are Choosing Birds Over Children

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I am profoundly disappointed in the Division of Forestry and Wildlife for deciding to extend the boundaries of the preservation zone and the Lahaina school board for not standing up to the eco-bullies. The decision to limit school bus routes disturbs the early morning and afternoon routines of dozens of children and their families. It’s high time that school officials understand that it’s their job to safeguard children and not birds.

Our family moved to Lahaina 5 years ago for my wife’s work and so I could pursue my passion of wave counting. At that time, the bus stop was 3 houses down. I could wake up at 7:15 am and have my daughter fed, clothed, and off to the bus on time. This allowed me a couple hours of counting on the beach before lunch and then a few hours of counting on my boat before I had to be back.

Now, I have to get up almost 20 minutes earlier so we can walk to the closest stop. Worse still, it’s in the opposite direction from the beach. I remember when it was a school’s job to take care of your kids for at least 6.5 hours a day. Back then a parent got to enjoy a whole days worth of pursuing passions, not part of a day. I’m losing almost a whole hour every day and that is not fair to me, my children, or my interests! On a normal day I could count thousands of waves if I stayed awake, now that number is less.

If that wasn’t bad enough, our morning route now leads past Ano Lee’s maker commune. To say the least it’s disgusting. As soon as you get to the bottom of the hill the smell of stale cheese snacks, burnt wires, and regret punches you in the face. I make sure that I walk between my daughter and the main shed, so she doesn’t have to see their unkept faces lit up by their glow forks while they eat breakfast.

Like many others on the island I am no fan of Lee and his Ungroomables. If the Forestry department really wants to protect wildlife they’d pull the plug on all those 3d printers. I’m sure that no animal wants to come within a mile of of that racket and the purplish-blue glow of the the chachki hut seems to attract more bugs than hikers. If we’re not careful they’ll just keep printing buildings until the whole island turns into Gatlinburg.

I’m just as committed to conservation as the next guy. I always cut the plastic rings on my cans just in case they slip off the side of the boat. If I break a bottle on the beach, I draw a little box in the sand around the area to warn people because it’s the right thing to do. At some point the board is going have to stop letting the nature lovers dictate their policies and nurture its relationship with parents. It’s time for them to do what is right. It’s with a heavy heart and sore feet that I urge officials to work together to bring back the lost bus routes.

Sincerely,
John Driscol

STORYLINE

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate