DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

Veilcorp and Lahaina Rally Around Injured Tourist With History of Vacation Mishaps

A Colorado man is recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center this morning, after suffering a severe stingray attack yesterday, while wading in the Baby Beach area with his wife. Stingray attacks can be very painful and require medical attention, but doctors realized 60-year-old Robert Waldowski’s injuries were quite serious, after x-rays revealed that a portion of the fish’s stinger was still embedded in his heel, dangerously close to his tibial artery. While the attack was noteworthy, it is not the reason that Robert is in the news this morning, and why so many have pledged to do all they can to make what’s left of his trip as nice as possible. It turns out Mr. Waldowski has a long, (almost unbelievably long), history of animal attacks while on vacation.

“I wasn’t surprised at all when I felt the stab in my foot,” says Robert. “I remember telling my wife, ‘it’s happening again,’ just before I blacked out from the pain.” The story of Waldowski’s animal attacks begins back in the year 2000 when he was a senior in college, enjoying a spring break with his friends, in the mountains outside of Denver. “We were just throwing around a ball and waiting for breakfast. I didn’t even see the mountain lion until the back of my neck was in it’s mouth. I spent a week in the Hospital that time.”

Robert says the same group of friends convinced him to go with them to Pack Creek Alaska, to watch brown bears during the salmon run the next year. The area is known for having one of the largest concentrations of brown bears in the world when the fish are spawning, and is a favorite place to go for nature lovers, and those trying to get pictures of huge bears. However, in 2001 Pack Creek was famous for a horrendous bear attack caught on film. “That was a bad one. It took a few months before I was back on my feet,” adds Robert.

The list of attacks continued for years: gored and trampled by a bison while visiting Yellow Stone Park in 2004, Robert spent 3 days in a hospital in 2006 after being bitten by a bushmaster, the longest viper in the world, while on vacation in Bolivia, and while on safari in 2009, Waldowski’s boat was capsized by a bull hippo with many in his group never found alive. “It wasn’t just the Hippos we had to worry about, the river was full of crocodiles too. Some of us made it to a sandbar after the Hippo bit the boat in half. We waited 20 hours in ankle deep water, worried that a crocodile was going to grab one of us, until help arrived. I love the outdoors and nature, I really do, but sometime during those hours standing there, I accepted that for whatever reason, nature did not like me. I promised myself that the wilderness adventures were done and all my vacations were over. If I made it, I’d stay safe and sound where I belonged. I kept that promise for 30 years, until my wife convinced me to go to Lahaina for my 60th birthday. There weren’t any animals that could hurt me if we stayed in town, and we’d only wade a few feet out into the water, and only where there was shark netting. I guess they haven’t invented stingray netting yet,” says Robert.

“When Veilcorp heard about the Waldowski’s story we had to do something to turn Robert’s luck around,” says Veilcorp Spokesperson Lisa Hunt. “We’ve offered to pay for the remainder of their vacation, and have pulled a few strings to make sure that the rest of their visit is a great one. On top of that, we’re going to give them tickets for another vacation next year, anywhere in the world they’d like to go. We’re not much on superstition around here, but we’d suggest someplace with few large predators” joked Hunt. This is not the first time the company has offered tourists in unusual circumstances free travel. Last Fall, Harrison Lehmann was given free tickets for life after he was born inside the Lahaina veilstation.

“We heard that Robert likes looking at the stars, so we’ve arranged a private tour of the newly operational Hoku Telescope and ‘Science City’,” says Hunt. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says the couple can enjoy a free meal any time of day for the rest of their stay. He adds, “The shop is 100% pet free so Robert doesn’t have to worry about being bitten or scratched while he’s enjoying a bowl of noodles.”

Even the exclusive Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has offered their support to the Waldowskis. Wellness specialist and spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We’d love to do anything we can to help the Waldowskis cast aside the negative feelings of the last few days, through massage, tonal therapy, and our relaxing urchin-based body scrub. We’d even like to offer Robert a complimentary crystal cleanse, and aura realignment to make his presence more agreeable to wildlife.”

Robert and Amy say they can’t believe the outpouring of concern and support, “I guess Aloha Spirit is alive and well in Lahaina,” says Amy. She adds, “We want to thank everyone who’s sent cards and letters, as well as all the businesses offering their support, especially Veilcorp and Ms. Hunt. Robert can’t wait to get out of here, and see the telescope. In the meantime, we’re going to do a little research and try to find a place we can use our free tickets, that doesn’t have any poisonous animals.”