Since 1975, Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) has developed a regional and national presence serving a diverse client base with advice and legal counsel. Since the fracturing of the veils, we have expanded our presence to other dimensions as well. Research indicates that we have been the largest law firm in any world for the past 67 years. In that time, we have continued to evolve and grow to meet our client’s needs, even if we have to create and exploit those needs.
Our culture and ruthless desire for success creates a fast paced and dynamic team environment. We offer an aggressively competitive atmosphere, where many employees falter, and a few reap massive rewards. With the recent uptick in restored individuals, we are looking to replace some of our underperforming staff. If you feel like you are better than our worst, or have just run out of options, SSB&P is interested in hearing from you.
Job Summary: Our Interdimensional Innovators are responsible for being SSB&P’s representative in other dimensions, making our firm known to any and all survivors. In this role you will uses zeal, guile, persuasion, and intimidation to assist with a variety of functions such as: serving legal documents, research and settlements, menacing, customer extortion, contracts, and internal/external communication.
Key Responsibilities: (Other random duties as assigned)
- Create and maintain an active presence on other worlds that are critical to the firm’s objectives, monitor emotional responses to ensure proper levels of alarm and consistent messaging.
- Develop and support the implementation of the organization’s litigation strategy, as well as related guidelines and training for branding.
- Relate trends, responses, and expectations through accurate company logs and thorough knowledge of your dimension.
- Assist in harassing/punishing those who refuse to comply with our demands and develop metrics to gauge the success of our terror initiatives.
- Conduct regular audits of changing environments and power structures to ensure the organization is maintaining an optimal mix of legal maneuvering and physical threats. Informing the main office when new avenues of revenue are revealed.
- Deliver subpoenas and threats in a timely manner to meet projected deadlines.
Minimum Requirements:
- Self motivated with an ability to survive in a number of unknown environments. Ability to go to any lengths to serve legal documents and return with signed paperwork. (Deep understanding of social psychology, communications, and a sadistic streak preferred)
- Extensive familiarity with spotting weaknesses and exploiting them. Familiarity with locks and infiltration techniques a bonus.
- Direct, hands-on experience with coercion, or a level of desperation to do anything we ask.
- Strong knowledge of social media propaganda and methodologies.
- Exceptional customer service skills and undying loyalty to the firm.
Competitive total compensation package includes: clean water, shelter, coffee and muffin bonuses for hitting goals, vacation time, and matching 401k. Company weapon, private sleeping area, and substantial rations available after 90 days.
Successful completion of a personal compliance screening required. This is an entry level position, and does not have any supervisory or leadership responsibilities.
Work Environment:
Operates in a number of hostile conditions, and substantially exposed to adverse environmental conditions. Nearly continuously required to sit, use repetitive hand motion (such as stabbing), hear/listen, talk, run, swim, fight, and stand. Often required to evade angry groups, bend, and lift up to 100 pounds.
Other Duties: Please note this job description is not designed to cover or contain a comprehensive listing of activities, duties, or responsibilities that are required of an Interdimensional Innovator. Duties, responsibilities, and activities may change at any time with or without notice, and on our whim.
SSB&P is an Equal Opportunity Employer and Antagonizer: SSB&P is committed to the principle of employing and intimidating people equally. We provide work that encourages harassment, but is free of discrimination. All employment decisions at SSB&P are based on greed, convenience, and business needs without regard to race, color, religion or belief, national, social, ethnic or dimensional origin, sex (including pregnancy), past or present military service, family medical history or genetic information, or any other status, other than those that would prevent employees from executing our will and overall plans. SSB&P encourages applicants of all ages.
Don’t let the end of civilization be the end of you. With the help of our highly trained and motivated team, your opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!
