STORYLINE

SSB&P Seeks Motivated and Desperate Applicants To Fill Positions Immediately

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Since 1975, Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) has developed a regional and national presence serving a diverse client base with advice and legal counsel. Since the fracturing of the veils, we have expanded our presence to other dimensions as well. Research indicates that we have been the largest law firm in any world for the past 67 years. In that time, we have continued to evolve and grow to meet our client’s needs, even if we have to create and exploit those needs.

Our culture and ruthless desire for success creates a fast paced and dynamic team environment. We offer an aggressively competitive atmosphere, where many employees falter, and a few reap massive rewards. With the recent uptick in restored individuals, we are looking to replace some of our underperforming staff. If you feel like you are better than our worst, or have just run out of options, SSB&P is interested in hearing from you.

Job Summary: Our Interdimensional Innovators are responsible for being SSB&P’s representative in other dimensions, making our firm known to any and all survivors. In this role you will uses zeal, guile, persuasion, and intimidation to assist with a variety of functions such as: serving legal documents, research and settlements, menacing, customer extortion, contracts, and internal/external communication.

Key Responsibilities: (Other random duties as assigned)

  • Create and maintain an active presence on other worlds that are critical to the firm’s objectives, monitor emotional responses to ensure proper levels of alarm and consistent messaging.
  • Develop and support the implementation of the organization’s litigation strategy, as well as related guidelines and training for branding.
  • Relate trends, responses, and expectations through accurate company logs and thorough knowledge of your dimension.
  • Assist in harassing/punishing those who refuse to comply with our demands and develop metrics to gauge the success of our terror initiatives.
  • Conduct regular audits of changing environments and power structures to ensure the organization is maintaining an optimal mix of legal maneuvering and physical threats. Informing the main office when new avenues of revenue are revealed.
  • Deliver subpoenas and threats in a timely manner to meet projected deadlines.

Minimum Requirements:

  • Self motivated with an ability to survive in a number of unknown environments. Ability to go to any lengths to serve legal documents and return with signed paperwork. (Deep understanding of social psychology, communications, and a sadistic streak preferred)
  • Extensive familiarity with spotting weaknesses and exploiting them. Familiarity with locks and infiltration techniques a bonus.
  • Direct, hands-on experience with coercion, or a level of desperation to do anything we ask.
  • Strong knowledge of social media propaganda and methodologies.
  • Exceptional customer service skills and undying loyalty to the firm.

Competitive total compensation package includes: clean water, shelter, coffee and muffin bonuses for hitting goals, vacation time, and matching 401k. Company weapon, private sleeping area, and substantial rations available after 90 days.

Successful completion of a personal compliance screening required. This is an entry level position, and does not have any supervisory or leadership responsibilities.

Work Environment:
Operates in a number of hostile conditions, and substantially exposed to adverse environmental conditions. Nearly continuously required to sit, use repetitive hand motion (such as stabbing), hear/listen, talk, run, swim, fight, and stand. Often required to evade angry groups, bend, and lift up to 100 pounds.

Other Duties: Please note this job description is not designed to cover or contain a comprehensive listing of activities, duties, or responsibilities that are required of an Interdimensional Innovator. Duties, responsibilities, and activities may change at any time with or without notice, and on our whim.

SSB&P is an Equal Opportunity Employer and Antagonizer: SSB&P is committed to the principle of employing and intimidating people equally. We provide work that encourages harassment, but is free of discrimination. All employment decisions at SSB&P are based on greed, convenience, and business needs without regard to race, color, religion or belief, national, social, ethnic or dimensional origin, sex (including pregnancy), past or present military service, family medical history or genetic information, or any other status, other than those that would prevent employees from executing our will and overall plans. SSB&P encourages applicants of all ages.

Don’t let the end of civilization be the end of you. With the help of our highly trained and motivated team, your opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

STORYLINE

Re: Infringement of Trademark Rights of Manimal Sports Drinks

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Dear Lahaina Merchants Association

We represent the owners of trademark registration no. 11948372 here and in dimension ∃3.81.654729. Widespread use of the Manimal trademark has been made, to the extent that this trademark has acquired an extensive reputation and goodwill throughout existence. The Manimal trademark is, accordingly, also a well-known mark for all relevant purposes of trademark law.

It has come to our attention that you are using the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. This trademark is confusingly and/or deceptively similar to our Manimal trademark and also constitutes a reproduction or imitation thereof.

In this circumstance, your use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark will constitute an infringement of our registered and common law rights.

As such, we seek relief. We demand that you immediately:

  1. Cease all use of the trademark Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry”; or agree to our licensing terms. They are quite reasonable and we are willing to barter. We hold non-perishable food stuffs, bottled water, medical supplies, and ammunition at a premium.

  2. Deliver-up for destruction all material to which the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark or any other mark confusingly or deceptively similar to our trademark has been applied. The Manimal brand is synonymous with health, vitality, vigor, and an active lifestyle. Your dubious flavors and bizarre filtration methods are harmful to the image that our clients have carefully cultivated. Furthermore, the lack of proper government health and safety oversight in the production of your “drink” exposes the public to significant dangers.

  3. Withdraw, cancel and/or delete any corporate names, domain names, trademark applications and/or trademark registrations for or including the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. Whales are beautiful and intelligent creatures that many revere. It is also illegal to hunt many species. We understand that at least one of your “brewing” whales is of a protected species. Your are exposing yourself to quite severe penalties and associating our clients with a practice that many would find abhorrent or distasteful. On a more personal note, I find the name of your product disgusting. I would be willing to provide you with a professional and experienced marketing specialist at a reasonable fee. Again, we are willing to barter for your potential new brand specialist.

  4. Undertake, in writing, never in future to make any use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark without prior written authority from us, whether within any corporate name, trading name, trading style, domain name or otherwise.

You may be foolish enough to think that we do not have jurisdiction in your area or that you are beyond our reach and/or ability to enforce this claim. That would be a big mistake. While you’ve been spending your time figuring out how to make drinks inside of dead animals and stealing intellectual property, we have been planning. We’ve spent years in the executive mezzanine brainstorming about what we would do to people who choose to ignore our demands. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff that Phil’s come up with. Just thinking about it makes me shudder, and I’m a hard guy to shock. Don’t let this letter fool you. We aren’t the kind of law firm that relies solely on procedures and motions. It would be wise and healthier for you not to elicit any further action on our part.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on November 4, 2115. This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

Kurt Bickley

STORYLINE

Thank You for Your Threatening Letter!

Attention: Threatening lawyer people and their associates.

Thank you so much for your threatening eviction notice attached to our doors on January 29th. We greatly regret that you chose to make your demands in a letter, and not in person, as is the preferred method of negotiation among the Kanaka. We would have enjoyed breaking whatever leg you thought you had to stand on.

We apologize for taking 72 hours to respond to your demand that we vacate The Mission. The Kanaka are known for their pridefulness and their great bravery, but I have always thought that one of our greatest unrecognized attributes is our sense of humor and love of laughter. Your letter provided no shortage of laughter around here.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. These were not giggles and grins. These were body wracking waves of deep belly laughter. The kind that make it hard to catch your breath. The letter was quickly shared throughout the community, and the effect was the same on everyone: guards holding their stomachs because they hurt from hours of roaring, and elders holding faces cramped from smiling so hard. There was some concern that the letter was actually a weapon designed to weaken our defences because it was ludicrous on so many levels. Well, we are finally done laughing. Let us meet your uncivilized action with an uncivilized response. You are in trouble beyond a reasonable doubt.

We are aware of your earlier threats to the merchants over the name of the drink they brew along the beach. We have found your invitations to join your cowardly law firm, and we know you have threatened the Thrivers as well. You may have felt that you are safe running around Lahaina and threatening people up until now, but we are laying down the law. You have assumed great liability when you threatened us, and we seek severe punitive and physical damages. We have captured one of your litigators to help us draft this response, in case you respond better to legal language. He has proven to be extremely helpful, and eager to not find out what swims in the dark water beyond the reef.

For trying to enforce an eviction for a property in which you have no claim, SSB&P is hereby required to vacate the island of Maui within three calendar days, counting weekends and holidays. You will collect every scrap of paper you have brought to Lahaina, delete every message you have sent, and apologize for any inconvenience you have caused. By trying to assign to us some sort of vicarious liability, on a building that was owned before the fracture by one of our greatest heros, you have lost your right to walk upon our island. If you do not comply with this notice one or all of the following might happen.

  1. Any SSB&P representative found in breach of this order after the 2/6/2116 deadline, will be hunted down and driven into the sea. We will not use any of his or her equipment so no memory of them will remain after the sharks have their fill.
  2. For those of you who seek sanctuary with other groups, we affirm our right to offer a rich reward for your index fingers, and hang them in long lines, as a warning to others. It is our hope that the difficulty in typing future letters, and having to look at the throbbing stumps for the rest of your lives, will remind you that your claims here are null and void.
  3. Although we recognize the validity of contracts, we are not cowards hiding behind words like you. We fight for what is right. It is doubtful, but If there are those among you brave enough to meet us in battle, we will spare you a complete destruction of body and name. When you are defeated, we will listen to your appeal, and hang you like a deadlocked jury. However, we promise to keep the animals from your corpses for 7 days, as is customary for brave enemies.

It was once said that a person who is their own lawyer has a fool for a client, and your eviction notice certainly was foolish. We suggest you take advantage of our generous offer over the next three days, before we make you as null and void as your claims.

STORYLINE

SSB&P Investigation Finds Numerous Thriver Violations In Pu’u

Attention: Lahaina residents, property owners, and business operators.

As many of you know, we are currently in the midst of litigation with the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding their unauthorized use of the well-known Manimal brand. Their production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” is unacceptable. In addition, during our due diligence, we become aware of numerous Kanaka violations regarding the property commonly referred to as “The Mission,” and some troubling inconsistencies regarding the property known as “Pu’u”. It is our hope to clear up these problems, and reach an agreement that is heavily weighed in our favor.

Having already explained to the Kanaka their liabilities, we wish to move on and focus our efforts on the Thrivers of Pu’u. After a close examination of public records, tax information, and the interrogation of two or your children, we have found a number of issues we can exploit. If you wish to avoid conflict, or lessen any judgement you may owe, we suggest that you comply fully with our requests.

NOTE: Providing actionable information regarding another case and/or signing a retainer agreement will end any investigation into your business, property, or dealings on our part.

We have learned that the Pu’u charter school is still standing, and continues to be used for the purpose of education, despite not having filed the correct paperwork for over 64 years. Your accreditation has long since lapsed, and we can find no record of a public review of textbooks, which is required under the law.

Our thorough questioning of a pair of children lured from the area, has led us to believe there are more serious issues as well. According to our examination: 50% of your children receive failing grades in reading and math, 100% fail science, and at least two haven’t learned to not go off with strangers. We have been informed that you are not conducting regular fire or hurricane drills, you are not offering lunch options for students with special dietary needs, and the building itself may have numerous code violations. To further our investigation and assess the severity of any problems we are formally requesting the right to enter Pu’u.

Notice to Enter Pu’u School
The Thrivers of Pu’u
1/30/2116

Dear Thrivers,

This letter serves as a formal request to enter the premises mentioned above on the date of 1/31/2116 between the times of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm.

The purpose of this visit is to solidify our case against you, obtain evidence necessary for a successful litigation, and fill the community with a sense of dread. This requires you to be available at the time of our visit. Further, we request you remember that we are holding two of your children before you attempt anything of a violent nature.

Please leave any weapons, explosives, or dangerous chemicals stored inside the school, and make no improvements prior to our visit, so we can make an accurate assessment of the premises.
This advance warning is in accordance with our practice of providing you notice no more than 1 day beforehand. If this time or date is inconvenient or problematic for you, too bad.

Sincerely,
SSB&P

If you fail to honor our request we may be forced to resort to any of the following: report you to any and all educational bodies, both public and private, across all worlds, seek punitive damages, conduct a massive negative social media campaign, start a school supply blockade, introduce inaccurate flashcards amongst your student population, or keep the students we already have in indefinite detention. For 65 years SSB&P has been the largest law firm around, and we pride ourselves on our ruthless efficiency and dogged determination. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.

STORYLINE

SSB&P Audit Discovers Numerous Kanaka Violations In The Mission

Attention: Lahaina residents and business owners.

SSB&P’s case continues against the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding the trademark infringement of the well-known Manimal brand, by the organization’s production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” drinks. We are confident that the case will be adjudicated in our favor, and urge anyone with any further information in the case, to contact one of our Interdimensional Innovators immediately.

As part of the trademark case, we have been conducting an audit of property, tax, and relevant public records regarding businesses, groups, and individuals in the Lahaina area. That investigation has turned up a number of violations and inconsistencies. Most of these issues revolve around the Kanaka in the property now referred to as the Mission.

Our audit is not finished, and the violations listed below do not represent a complete list of our findings. If you are concerned that you, or a loved one is operating an illegal business, owe back taxes, or are using a piece of debris that you do not own, we urge you to retain our services today. Doing so may lessen the total amount you owe, and end any investigation on our part.

The following notice reflects all information discovered by our investigators and freely available from pre-fracture public documents. Being the largest and last law firm in any world for the past 65 years, SSB&P prides itself on its ruthless efficiency, and our ability to negotiate a settlement that is heavily weighed in our favor.

It has come to our attention that the current owners, (the group calling themselves the Kanaka), of the building commonly referred to as, “The Mission”, are 23,861 days past due on their rental payments, and 23,719 days late paying their property taxes. In addition, the building has numerous safety and accessibility violations. It routinely exceeds its maximum occupancy, and does not have clearly marked exits. The proximity to the ocean requires a full time lifeguard, which is not present, and annual environmental paperwork which has not been filed for over 65 years, just to name a few. As a result, we have been forced to draft this letter of eviction.

The Kanaka of Lahaina are hereby required to vacate the building commonly known as, “The Mission” within fourteen calendar days, counting weekends and holidays. If you do not comply with this notice, you will be served with a Summons and Complaint for unlawful detainer. Unlawful detainer is when you remain in possession of rental property after the owner serves you with a lawful notice to leave, such as this eviction notice. If you are found by the court to be in unlawful detainer, you will be evicted by the court and you will be liable for:

  1. Any rent due and unpaid through the end of your tenancy, less any amounts you pay us, or we receive from the next tenant.
  2. Damages caused by your unlawful detainer of the rental property. This includes, but is not limited to: weapon damage done to the floors, any claw marks on doors, removal of bloodstains from carpet, and any missing window treatments.
  3. Damages for any waste of the rental property caused by you, or any refugees you have housed in the past 65 years. (Waste is damage you or your guests cause beyond normal wear and tear including damages caused by Green Ladies, Night Marchers, Menehune, Trophy Hunters, or Shrig attack)
  4. Attorney fees, investigation reimbursement, and court costs. You must alert us in writing within three calendar days of your willingness to participate in mediation. Mediation shall take place within seven days of receipt of your written notification with a mediator of our choice. If you fail to provide this written notification within three days and/or you fail to participate in mediation within seven days, be advised that we intend to proceed with legal or equitable relief.

If you fail to reach a settlement and/or leave the structure within 14 days, we will be forced to shut off any and all public utilities, and report the above violations to the appropriate governmental agency. If such an agency no longer exists, we will: create one, staff it, give it jurisdiction over the matter, and commence sending you threatening letters until you comply, or worse. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.

STORYLINE

Attention SSB&P Employees: I Don’t Think You’re Hungry Enough!

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Hello SSB&P employees. As we approach Q3 together I wanted to give you an update on changes to the org chart, and share some of my concerns. In short, the last 2 months have been amazing in a lot of ways. Under my keen leadership, and Phil’s extensive knowledge of the building from years of leading the maintenance team, we have come out the other side of this fracture thing. The transition team helped in it’s own way, but as some of you might have heard, I’ve made some changes. I’ll get back to that in a moment, but they taught us to break out the carrot before the whip when I was getting my MBA at Harvard, so here it goes.

I’d like to take a brief moment to acknowledge our few successes. Besides the transition team we have only lost 3 individuals since fate offered us another bite at the apple. Not a bad showing considering Phil’s assessment of your basic survival skills. We’ve managed to make some adjustments to the robocallers with Phil’s help. Without getting into the technical details, we can now call other dimensions. Results have been disappointing so far, but coupled with our interdimensional innovator program, we have managed to gather one good lead. Phil’s crew is currently working on the old Veil Ed Write Board in conference room A. He hopes it will be ready for use in the program before the end of the week. That’s it. That is the extent of our achievements, and that is unacceptable.

The transition team was just that. A team to help with our transition. We are no longer in transition. Phil and I did most of the cooking around here, so to speak, so we decided to remove some of the cooks from the kitchen. I’ve transitioned the transition team into what we are calling The Evaluation Board. Starting today, all employees are in a constant state of review, because I don’t think you’re hungry enough.

The employee packs you were provided with when we all agreed to continue our work here talked about drive, commitment, and a craving for success. I just don’t feel it. When I walk down to the mezzanine and look in the suggestion box it’s empty and starving for ideas. When I walk into the cafeteria and see all the smiling faces talking over coffee it makes me sick! We need thoroughbreds chomping at the bit. I fear some of you are headed for the glue factory.

Phil and I have worked tirelessly on organizing this party and nobody has brought a dish to pass.
He suggested at the very beginning that we trim some more fat but I declined because I had faith in you. You have let me down. I don’t understand the attitudes around here.

Half of you walk around with grins on your faces like you’ve accomplished something. What have you done, survived? You survive at the behest of Phil and I. What the hell are you grinning about? Do you really find mediocrity that fulfilling? The other half of you mope around all day talking about your families. Guess what? Your families aren’t real anymore. What are you going to do, go home and talk about your day? Are you going to mow your lawn? Take the kids to the park? They’re gone! Everything is gone! The only thing that matters is your commitment to SSB&P business. Your job is the only thing real now. I’m not sure what group is more pathetic, but I know how to find out.

Everyone knew that Sandy and most of HR didn’t want it bad enough, so I removed them from the party right away. It turned out the transition team didn’t earn a seat at the table either. Now it’s time to see who is eager for a win. I know I am. In addition to cutting our team down by half over
the next week, I am cutting off cafeteria privileges until you’ve earned your keep. I don’t want you hungry. I want you ravenous. You have until the end of the week to impress me. Bread is for winners, and I don’t see any of those around here.

I don’t blame you completely. Part of the problem was the transition team’s low expectations and understanding attitude. The only thing I understand is that adversity breeds greatness. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, so let’s see who breaks. As always I believe the opportunities I’m offering here are deeper than deep, they are infinite!

STORYLINE

These Robocalls Need To Stop

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Dear SSB&P management team,

My interactions and dealings with your company began on May 9th. They were odd at first and have become increasingly unpleasant. If someone had told me what I would learn and experience firsthand over the past week, I would have called them a liar. Without naming names, I have been informed of your unique situation by a member of your “Interdimensional Innovator Program” and urge you to take a new path. I implore you to have your representatives contact Veilcorp officials for help. I fail to see how sending interns to other worlds with stacks of legal documents and litigious attitudes gets you to a better place. Your actions are not only unhelpful to your organization, they are potentially dangerous.

May 9th was like any other Monday morning for about 45 mins. I was in the middle of a shave when I heard the doorbell and figured it was a delivery. I wish that I hadn’t opened that door, but after a few minutes of incessant ringing, the knocking began. I became concerned that something serious had happened. Much to my surprise there wasn’t a police officer at my door but a young man in a slightly disheveled suit. I didn’t even have time to ask him what he wanted or who he was before he shoved some documents at me and said, “Mike Lauder, you’ve been served!” Needless to say, it was not how I imagined my week starting.

I looked over the papers and they didn’t make any sense to me. I was being sued because my company provided parts to Veilcorp and was being accused of gross negligence in the manufacture of those parts resulting in a breach and mass loss of life. When I first took over the business from my father we did business with Veilcorp, but that was over 10 years ago. When Oeming died and Lisa Hunt took over the company, we were one of the many businesses who had their contracts paid out and terminated. The way she handled the transitional housecleaning left a bad taste in my mouth and I vowed that we’d never do business with them again. I was also pretty sure that if there was some kind of catastrophe involving Veilcorp it would be in the news and I hadn’t heard anything. I handed the paperwork to our lawyer anyway and tried not to dwell on it.

I wasn’t completely surprised when the lawyer called later that afternoon telling me not to worry about it. SSB&P wasn’t even a real law firm according to her. This was either a joke or one hell of a gutsy scam. I put the whole thing out of my mind until two days later when I had another early morning visitor. After some equally urgent knocking, I again found a young man in an unpressed suit shoving papers into my chest and telling me I was served. I asked him if this was a joke and which one of my friends sent him. He handed me a card and told me I could meet at the Veilcorp station after 6pm if I had any further questions. I called around and none of my friends would admit to the prank. I started to get concerned, and on advice from counsel I filed a police report. I tried again to put the whole thing out of my mind and focus on what I needed to get done before the end of the week, but something didn’t feel right to me.

When the doorbell rang Friday morning the adrenaline shot made me almost drop my razor. I’m not going to say who I found at the door because I promised I wouldn’t. All you need to know is that I had a long discussion with this person and they told me everything. I struggled to understand what I was hearing and bounced back and forth between belief and uncertainty. I won’t get into specifics in order protect this person’s safety, but they offered me some undeniable proof of their story.

I thought about calling the authorities but I’ve seen enough movies to know what would happen. Best case scenario, I’d end up trying to keep my eyes open through a mountain of antipsychotic drugs in an insane asylum somewhere. Worst case the government would learn the truth and decide I should never be seen again or my individual parts need to be studied because I’ve had contact with a person from another dimension. No, I couldn’t tell anyone here. I didn’t plan on sending this letter to you either. I promised your employee I wouldn’t because I can’t imagine how it would help you and I’m sure it wouldn’t turn out to good for them. They’ve told me stories about your new org chart and it didn’t sound pleasant. My plan was to just keep answering the door and accepting paperwork every two days and try and keep all of this quite, but this morning the robocalls started.

At first it was just static and I almost hung up. I wish I had. When I heard the automated voice inform me that SSB&P had a special message for me and that I should go to my nearest Veilcorp station to wait for further instruction, I knew that I had to do something. I can handle the threat of of being sued by interdimensional lawyers 3 times a week, but other-wordly robocalls is the stuff of nightmares. I don’t understand why you’ve decided to take the path you have. I think you’d be much better served seeking out Veilcorp help instead of threatening litigation, but that’s your decision. These calls however are a whole other issue. Not only will they not work, but they’re going to get me vivisectioned in a government lab somewhere. I’ll help you in any way I can but you have to stop the robocalls; they’re dangerous!

Mike Lauder
President Lauder Industrial

STORYLINE

Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners Roadmap For the Future

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Good Morninng SSB&P employees! I’d like to welcome everyone who decided to renew their commitment to our company yesterday during the turmoil. I’m in awe of your enthusiasm and dedication. The transition team and I look forward to working with each and every one of you. We are going to have to be extremely agile as an organization at this critical time, but I promise to communicate the decisions we make as soon as possible. The new org chart will be on display in the mezzanine for all to see and will be updated in real time as the situation dictates.

In other good news Phil and the janitorial crew have pushed Brian and the mailroom traitors to the floors below street level. All employees should now have unfettered access to the main lobby. More than ever it’s important that everyone in the building embrace SSB&P’s new core values. We need to recreate a world where each of us can flourish while exploring new revenue streams and protecting all the building’s entrances. Now that the housecleaning has been addressed, let me move on to the rebuilding part. Despite the mailroom machinations, we’ve put together an exciting plan! If this really is the apocalypse you should consider Phil and I the two-headed beast of opportunity. Here’s an outline of our immediate action items.

Litigation: Do I plan on suing Veilcorp? I’m a graduate of Harvard Law, of course I do. While It may seem like the obviousness of this revenue stream would dilute any recovery we receive, it was decided that it should be pursued anyway. This decision has been bolstered with the news of how far reaching this calamity has gone and as the body count has continued to grow. It is our belief that SSB&P might end up being one of the last law firms which means we will be able to cherry-pick clients. When whatever passes as a governing body reestablishes control we will demand a speedy hearing.

Schrödinger’s Cash: There has been a lot of back and forth on this one. In the end, It was very important to Phil that we pursue this program. We will be filling numerous boxes with photocopied money and sending it from the main transport hub around the corner, to the veil station downtown. It is Phil’s hope that during the transport process probability will intervene and replace our boxes with boxes of real money. If Phil is right, he’s a hero. If he’s wrong, he’s the large man who serves as a shield against looters and Brian.

Transdimensional Synergy: If you like adventure, want to be guaranteed a management position, or just figure “This will look great on my resume!” our interdimensional innovator program is a great opportunity . Every morning we’ll send two volunteers through the gateway with a bag full of contracts, cease and desist letters, and other various legal documents. Explore strange new worlds, make deals with interesting people, and threaten to sue them. Obtain legal rights to otherworldly intellectual property and recruit their best and brightest. It is important that we spread the SSB&P message as far as we can. In addition to moving up the org chart all employees able to return to this dimension with signed paperwork will receive one of the remaining chocolate muffins in the cafeteria while supplies last.

I won’t lie to you and say that the days forward are going to be easy, but we made it through the first together. With your help and the guidance of the transition committee, I’m confident that we’ll make it through many more. The outside world may be a catastrophe right now, but things are looking pretty good in here. Let’s lean in to this challenge together and come out better on the other side, wherever that may be. I truly believe that the opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

Kurt Bickley
Acting President & CEO Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners

STORYLINE

Civilization is ending but your job doesn’t have to

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Good afternoon SSB&P employees. As I’m sure you’re aware the world is in upheaval. The veils of reality are in a state of flux, governments are disbanding, and there has been death and destruction on a scale that is difficult to comprehend. We understand that many of you want to spend your final hours with loved ones or mark off as much of your bucket list as possible. Before you do, let me ask you a question. What if I told you that we’ve made some adjustments to the org chart and there’s a spot on it for you!

The New York and Seattle offices seem to be lost but as you know, we believe in turning problems into solutions here at SSB&P. In that spirit, I have merged what is left of the marketing department with legal and have taken control of everything above the executive mezzanine. Unfortunately, we had to let Sandy from HR go. I think we can all agree that she was a wonderful woman, but was far too naïve to be trusted with our future success. The cafeteria is now held by Phil from maintenance and most of the janitorial crew. For certain considerations, Phil has agreed to offer nourishing meals and refreshing drinks as long as supplies last. All employees who find themselves with a position on the new chart are welcome to enjoy the safety and relaxation of the cafe.

Make no mistake, Brian or anyone else from the mailroom, we will end you if we find where you’re hiding. It is beyond me why you thought you had what it took to take on the management team. We have years of ziplining and trust falls to bind us together. Let me assure you that Phil has made the cafeteria quite secure and it would be in your best interest to exit the building. Just in case you’re foolish enough to try another hostile takeover, I am offering a guaranteed place on the org chart for anyone bringing me Brian or any other former mailroom employee.

Our transition team is putting together welcome packs and Phil will be giving some basic hand-to-hand instruction in conference room B later today. All employees will be able to carry over vacation and sick time as well as any profit-sharing agreements. With all the chaos going on out there wouldn’t you appreciate some stability? The world may be forever changed but your employment doesn’t have to. Get on up to the 10th floor and let us know that you want to be part of the new team! Anyone caught inside after dark without a welcome packet will be terminated.

When one door closes another one opens. We just had a really big door close on us but I am confident the best is yet to come. With your hard work and attention, I believe we can become the first cross-dimensional law firm. The opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

STORYLINE

Legal Notice For Anyone Who Traveled Using Veilcorp Technology

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Read This Notice Carefully. A Class Action Lawsuit May Affect Your Rights

If you or a loved one traveled using Veilcorp technology anytime after May 10th, 2038 you might qualify to join a proposed class action suit. Several veil travelers have reported a number of health issues including: severe mood swings, blackouts, anxiety, depression, nervous feeling, problems with memory and concentration, paranoia, hallucinations, a burning sensation, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, heart palpitation, aggressive or violent behavior, restless sleep, night terrors, dry mouth, hair loss, and a high susceptibility to infection. These changes in behavior have often lead to hospitalization or in some extreme cases, negative interactions with the law.

The solar production of 127 (Unbiseptium) since Veilcorp’s Icarus project began has increased worldwide exposure to medically significant levels of the element. These levels can be even higher in individuals who have previously used Veilcorp technology, causing permanent damage to the brain and/or significant personality changes leading to disastrous results. If you or a loved one was injured, hospitalized, or suffered loss due to a belief that you could exhibit a wide array of psychic powers, you may qualify to join this Veilcorp class action lawsuit investigation. Please contact the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn,& Partners (SSB&P) for a FREE case evaluation.

Overview: Excessive 127 Exposure Reports and Class Action Lawsuits

Veilcorp was hit with numerous lawsuits since the beginning of the Icarus project. Numerous aggrieved parties claim that excessive exposure to 127 led to behavioral changes resulting in financial loss and the need for medical interventions. One such lawsuit was filed by a Hawaiian man whose exposure to 127 led him to hallucinate while at work and spill hazardous materials over himself and a co-worker in June 2043. The injuries the man suffered landed him in intensive care for more a week and left him believing he could see other dimensions and even into the future. A release of documents by the activist group Veilwatch last month purports to show proof that Veilcorp knew the dangers of excessive exposure to 127, and is being reviewed by government officials. A report filed in February 2050 by a Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources claims the increase in worldwide 127 exposure has led to violent behavioural changes in animals near Veilcorp facilities, especially native populations of geese. Stories like these are becoming more and more common. According to studies, these incidents have increased greatly since the Icarus project began in January 2046.

How Does the Increase in 127 Exposure Cause Health Issues?

People around the world have turned to veil travel as a mode of transportation because it offers a quick and convenient alternative to other modes of transportation. But the safety of this technology has been called into question with recent reports and scientific studies. The exact process by which the excessive 127 exposure reacts with the brain is not fully understood. Numerous studies have shown a large measurable increase in 127 radiation in the atmosphere, land, water, animals and people. This increase correlates with a marked increase in the symptoms previously mentioned. The increase shows a pronounced spike beginning in 2048 when Veilcorp heavily discounted the cost of veil travel. Recent studies suggest that a significant number of those suffering delusional effects have not reported problems believing they could perform a variety of amazing feats: hear thoughts, remote viewing, etc. If any of your loved ones are suffering from these delusions you can file on their behalf.

If the Science Isn’t Settled Should I Wait Until It Is?

Absolutely not! Cases like this are often settled without a formal trial. You won’t be able to collect compensation without being among the complainants. When someone asks you if you’d like to be part of a class action suit you say “Yes!”

If you or a loved one suffered from an emotional episode or experienced any of the conditions listed above and you traveled using Veilcorp technology, you may qualify to file a Veilcorp lawsuit. If you qualify, an attorney will contact you to discuss the details of your potential case at no charge to you. Please Note: If you want to participate in this investigation, it is imperative that you reply to the law firm if they call or email you. Failing to do so may result in you not getting signed up as a client, if you qualify, or getting you dropped from the suit.