STORYLINE

Parks Department Using Squirrels To Help Keep Lahaina Parks Clean

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With the busy Winter season just around the corner, Lahaina is about to be flooded with tourists enjoying the beautiful parks and sandy beaches. However, the cleaning crews at the dozens of area parks will look a little different this year. Visitors will notice dozens of squirrels around these popular locations carrying cigarette butts and refuse, but the Parks Dept. doesn’t want you to worry. The squirrels aren’t another invasion of non-native species, and they’re not in any danger. They’re working.

Three dozen trained squirrels in all will be employed to keep Lahaina’s most beautiful areas trash-free, according to Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Our intention is to not just keep our parks clean, but to show that nature is one of the best teachers. If these small animals can be taught to clean up, we can certainly teach our children to be responsible stewards of the land, and maybe learn ourselves. Plus, the squirrels literally work for peanuts. So far, they’re just as good at cleaning up as their human counterparts, and it’s been a hit with the tourists.”

The brainchild of former DLNR officer Brandon Kama, the squirrels come from his animal sanctuary and rehab non-profit “Creature Comfort.” With the help of the public, and donated veil travel from Veilcorp, Kama says he has been able to save over a thousand animals in the past three years. While Creature Comfort focuses on returning animals to the wild whenever possible, often the animals Brandon takes in are too hurt, or lack the ability to fend for themselves. Most of these animals are used for therapy purposes, but Kama says he noticed something about the squirrels living at the facility. “Whenever we took the squirrels out, they’d grab anything they could off the ground, and that gave me an idea.”

“Not many people know this, but squirrels are amazingly easy to train. You can even teach them to use a litter box if you keep them inside. People have trained animals to do all sorts of things over the years. They’ve taught monkeys to search for landmines, and Chinese fishermen have used cormorants instead of nets for centuries. I didn’t see why you couldn’t teach a squirrel to pick up a cigarette butt. I started off with the ones most food driven, and let their natural instincts be part of the training.”

Working in teams of twelve, Kama’s bushy-tailed cleaning crews have been trained with the help of an automated food bin. The squirrels receive a food pellet or treat each time they deposit a small piece of trash, or discarded cigarette end. Kama says it takes one of the squirrel teams about an hour to clean up a five acre area. “Sometimes you run into something that’s too big for the squirrels, and you have to toss it in the bin yourself, but for the most part you don’t have to do anything but wait. You don’t even need to pack up the squirrels if your next location is nearby. They’re so focused on the bin that they will follow it wherever it’s wheeled.”

However, many have complained in the past few months that Kama’s squirrels don’t always stay where they are supposed to, and that some have developed a taste for the nicotine in the discarded cigarettes they collect. In an open letter to the Lahaina Advertiser, one frequent park visitor said in part,

“…..I tend to avoid the parks in the morning now since I find the squirrels to be overly aggressive until they’ve found a few butts to chew on. I’ve seen them steal unattended packs off of picnic tables, and follow around smokers, chittering angrily until they can get a square of their own….I’m just thankful that they weren’t trained to seek out old beer cans, and liquor bottles, or by the end of the day, the park would be filled with belligerent drunk squirrels falling out of trees.”

There have been a handful of cases involving squirrels that have wandered out of the parks as well. In addition to worries about escaped squirrels starting a breeding population on Maui, the rodents can cause serious damage to buildings, and the island’s electrical infrastructure. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke has had his own run-in with Kama’s cleaning crew, and thinks the program should be cancelled.

“I get that tourists get a kick out of seeing a tree rat pick up garbage, but Hawaii has had enough trouble with invasive species. This Kama guy does a terrible job at keeping these things under control, and it’s already cost me plenty. For weeks we could hear the damn little things crawling on the roof during lunch. I called to complain, and they came out , apologized and promised to not let it happen anymore, but a few days later we heard them running around again. About that time, I’d occasionally catch a whiff of cigarettes in the restaurant, usually in the morning. I assumed it was one of the kids I hired to bus tables sneaking a smoke. They denied it, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Then one day a big storm came through, and I found out where the smell was coming from. I noticed part of the ceiling began to drip brownish water, and before I could get a bucket out in the dining room, a section of the ceiling caved in. Over a hundred pounds of wet cigarette butts poured out. The squirrels had chewed a hole in the building, and had been storing cigarettes in the roof space. Cigarette butts haven’t been, and never will be, one of the many delicious condiments you can get for your noodles here. This squirrel thing is the pits, and needs to be shut down.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Student Crowned Pacific Fire Knife Champion

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This past weekend, a Lahaina area student was crowned the 2048 Pacific Fire knife Champion. Pu’u sophomore, and dancing prodigy Kaholo Mae beat out competitors from Japan, Tahiti, and a former champion from Samoa to be the youngest person to ever hold the title. This is the first time a Hawaiian has won the top prize in the competition. Mayor Albert Cravalho announced his office will host a celebration and award ceremony at the Pu’u auditorium for the young fire knife dancer Friday evening.

Kaholo says he started practicing fire knife dancing at the tender age of two, and entered his first competition at four-years-old. “My mom tried to stop me at first, but after I saw my first fire knife event on TV I was hooked. To tell you the truth I’m more of a traditional jazz and tap kind of guy at heart. My lindy game is off the chain, and my Bandy Twist is certified flawless, but there was something about twirling fire that got its hooks in me, and never let go. Being the 2048 Pacific Fire Knife Champion is a dream come true, and I want to thank my friends and coaches for all their support, and especially my mom who put up with a lot of singed carpet, and curtains when I was first learning my groove. I feel very lucky and blessed to have come so far in the fire knife community at such a young age.”

A staple of any Polynesian show or luau, Siva Afi, better known as fire knife dancing, has a long and rich history in Polynesian culture. Practitioners originally used a Nifo Oti, a type of Samoan war club. The dancer would demonstration his or her battle prowess through a series of artful throwing, catching, twirling, and dancing moves with the club. Later with the introduction of metal to the islands, dancers used a machete wrapped in towels on both ends. The towels were then set ablaze giving the activity the fire knife moniker.

The flashy demonstrations soon became a favorite amongst visiting European and America Whalers, with huge demonstrations being held for successful expeditions. Records indicate that it was not unusual for hundreds of fire knife dancers to perform on Lahaina beaches after a fruitful hunt. Besides replacing the machetes with aluminum poles, the practice remains little changed today.

“Something happens when I put on the lavalava, and the drummers hit their groove. It’s deafening, but I don’t hear the drums; I feel them. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like the fire, and I are one, and the dance just sort of happens. I feel like I could handle anything thrown at me, like I’m in complete control or everything. Marathon runners call it a runner’s high. I just know it feels great, and I’m thankful that I have this outlet to celebrate my culture and my art,” says Mae.

Despite its deep roots in history, and importance to cultural heritage, some question fire knife dancing’s place in modern society. They point out the practice in its current form represents a troubling time, when Hawaii began turning away from traditional values, foods, dress, and customs, to appeal to the wants and needs of whalers and other outside forces. Some have even simpler complaints about fire knife dancing.

“It’s just stupid,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison and Pu’u PTA member Elizabeth Stonegate. “I know people used to do it a long time ago so we’re supposed to have some sort of reverence or something, but that doesn’t work for me. Let’s be honest, we used to do all kinds of things that are dangerous or stupid. We used to bleed people to make them healthier, we gave people cocaine for toothaches, and before there were videos to watch, people had to watch these dancers spin burning objects at night. Thankfully, now you usually only have to watch the spectacle if your get dragged to one of those terrible tourist luaus. Up until now, I thought that was the sad exclusive domain of this embarrassing entertainment relic. However, like a lot of people I was troubled to learn about this competition over the weekend, and the disappointing truth of the school’s involvement.

I understand that we have to have ridiculous extracurricular activities like Model UN, and band for those children not talented enough to play a sport, but do we really need to support fire knife dancing? Our kids already spend too much of their time involved in classes that are completely useless to them in later life, history and chemistry just to name a few off the top of my head, but twirling a flaming batton or chain has to be the biggest waste of educational dollars I’ve ever heard of. I can’t imagine a situation where being able to play with fire like this would actually serve a purpose. I only hope Mr. Mae has the good sense not to try out his twirling at prom. Some of these parents have paid too much money for prom dresses to see them singed in the name of cultural sensitivity.”

Despite the few naysayers Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona says that he couldn’t be more proud of Mae’s accomplishment. “I know how hard Kaholo has worked. I’ve watched him grow from a kindergartner swaying back and forth during the Christmas program, to a young man capable of some of the most precise flaming batton work anyone has ever seen. All of Lahaina is in awe of his moves and artistry.” Mahelona says that any concerns about fire knife dancing at this year’s prom are ridiculous, and the product of misplaced jealousy. He adds, “It’s unfortunate that some people feel the need to tear down what they don’t understand, instead of celebrating this young man’s achievement. I find it especially ironic that Ms. Stonegate has concerns about the prom when there remains an active restraining order against her after last year’s debacle, and her own husband is not legally allowed within 100 yards of a school due to his history. This week should be about an amazing young man who is capable of anything, not petty bickering.”

STORYLINE

Water Treatment Plant Implements New Purification Process Using SSHAM and Electricity

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Lahaina customers woke up this morning to news that their water will be disinfected using a eyebrow raising new treatment system. The county Department of Water Supply announced that they would be replacing chlorine gas, with SSHAM and electricity to make water safe for the public. Officials say the new process is just as safe as the previous method, but is cheaper and better for the environment. If all goes as planned, the department will be retrofitting the new water treatment system in its seven other surface water treatment facilities across Maui.

The new process takes advantage of SSHAM’s unique texture which acts as a natural filter, emulsifier, and enjoys some interesting anti-bacterial properties. After an initial run which cleanses the water of large particulates, electricity is added combining with the salt in Hawaii’s favorite meat product, making a hypochlorite solution, similar to household bleach. This solution is much safer to store, and for plant staff to handle. The department says the new treatment system meets all state and federal drinking water quality and safety requirements.

Mayor Cravalho hails the new system as a shining example of Hawaiian ingenuity and the Aloha spirit. “The truth of the matter is that we’re still feeling the effects of hurricane Neki. Even with the help of disaster relief funds, Lahaina is facing a $500,000 projected budget deficit this year. Just carrying out the normal business of government is a struggle, let alone helping those still suffering from the storm. Luckily, we live in a place where the aloha spirit is alive and well in our residents and businesses. Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project has helped keep citizens safe and identify which areas need help the most, and Manimal’s help rebuilding our drainage and sewer system has been a great gift to the community.

However, this system for cleaning our water devised by SSHAM engineers is as remarkable as it is special. The company’s donation of all the SSHAM we need for the next year, truly shows the heart at the center of every can, and the character of its founder, Art Pua’a. Like many, I’m a fan of reading through the SSHAM Stories page to see the creative things people have come up with for “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but I never dreamed of this. We’ve all been through a lot during these past months, and in a lot of ways, it’s brought out the best in us. I’m not sure how many uses there are for SSHAM, but I know one thing for sure, this has to be the best of them.”

In a statement released by the company during the announcement, CEO Art Pua’a says: “SHHAM isn’t just the maker Lahaina’s preferred processed meat product, we’re part of the neighborhood. When we heard that the county needed help we knew we had to act. We use a similar treatment process in our facility. It’s a little known fact that the water that goes in SSHAM is first filtered with SSHAM. I’m thrilled that we were able to scale the process up to facilitate the municipal water supply. Everyone knows that there’s a lot of spice, shrimp, and mechanically separated pork parts in every can of SSHAM, but there’s also a lot of love. I hope Lahaina can taste that love in every glass of water this morning.”

While many share the mayor’s sentiments, and praise the innovation involved with the new water treatment process, some have concerns about the system’s safety and effectiveness. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) says they plan to seek an emergency injunction against the treatment plant and the county until the SSHAM treated water can be thoroughly tested, and the process studied. Spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says, “This morning’s announcement left a taste in my mouth, but contrary to Mr. Pua’a’s hopes, I’m pretty sure it was disbelief and disgust. The wholesale selling of the Lahaina infrastructure to the business community has to stop. What’s next, the Big Bob Abramo Child Welfare Department? As a vegan I find the thought of the municipal water supply filtered through a loaf of animal parts and who knows what, to be unacceptable and beyond the pale. There’s no telling what the effect of water going through this “treatment” will have on the environment. I don’t think you can put a price tag on Lahaina’s natural areas, but I’m sure it’s worth more than a can of SSHAM.”

STORYLINE

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

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To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

STORYLINE

Self-Lighting Torches Put Lahaina Beautification Project On Hold

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A multi-million dollar beautification project has been put on hold, due to safety concerns over automated tiki torches, that are set to replace streetlights in many Lahaina neighborhoods. Numerous injuries, and at least one fire have been blamed on the high-tech devices lighting prematurely, and failing to automatically extinguish themselves, as they were designed. Creator of the self-lighting torches Ano Lee says he’s worked out the bugs, and with the backing of Mayor Cravalho, plans to install the rest in various neighborhoods this week.

Sold to the public as a way to offset some of the recent construction on Front Street, that many see as an unwanted attempt to modernize the look and feel of the area, the project was to cover a wide area around Lahaina. The initiative was to make bus stops, fire hydrants, and mail boxes less noticeable, put severe restrictions on outdoor advertising and business signage, and incorporate more traditional art in public spaces. The main focus however, was replacing many of the area’s streetlights with the automated torches.

Mayor Cravalho says, “Tourists are a vital part of the Lahaina economy, but we’ve always been careful to preserve our history and the aloha spirit of the land. The InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was designed to help save our culture and infrastructure by limiting the number of monthly visitors allowed to travel to Maui, but it clearly wasn’t enough. We were still losing the look, feel, and other aspects of Lahaina that makes it special everyday. We felt this city-wide facelift was needed to preserve this beautiful place. We decided the automated torches would be the most powerful reminder to visitors that they were in Hawaii, and I’m sure everyone will agree once we work the bugs out.”

Using a specialized recycling solid-fuel-system, with light sensing modules, and a self-ignition system, the torches may be the most technically advanced of all time. “They’re super awesome, the flame is even water resistant. They’ll keep burning in a hurricane!” says Lee. “Without getting too stuck in the weeds, the torches sense when it’s getting dark, ignite and extinguish themselves according to preset lightness levels, and utilize a specialized fuel recycling system of my own design. Basically the fuel melts as it burns and is caught in a special reservoir inside for later use. In theory one of my torches could burn without refilling for over 50 years.”

Despite their technological sophistication, there have been numerous complaints and injuries blamed on the torches, including a recent fire in a public works warehouse. Reports claim that the torches will turn on during exceptionally cloudy days, and children have been known to turn them on by holding umbrellas or pieces of cardboard over them. The fire was caused by a parks employee when he turned out the light in the storage area, and the torches ignited. Lee counters that these incidents were caused by user error and he’s taking steps to “dummy-proof” his inventions.

“These incidents were all caused by people turning up the light sensitivity dial to its maximum setting, making the torches ignite whenever it found itself in a shadow. The public works guy failed to replace the ignition safety rings when he put them back in storage. I’m working on ways to dummy-proof the torches now, but to be honest they’re just so cool, I’m having a hard time changing anything. I mean, these things will provide downtown and select neighborhoods with natural lighting and an authentic Hawaiian feel. On top of that, you never have to worry about losing your lighter at night, these torches are perfect for lighting your favorite cigar or brand of cigarettes. It’s super convenient.”

Still, many residents have reservations about the cost of the project, and the utility of the torches compared to traditional street lights. One of the loudest opponents is Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office and HOA President of Tanager Lane, Elizabeth Stonegate. She says, “this is not the beautification program I was promised when I voted for it.”

“I think we’ve had enough mysterious fires in Lahaina, we certainly have no need of “don’t know Lee’s” inferno sticks lining the roads. Just look at the areas where these torches have been installed. They look like something out of a movie about college kids visiting a remote tribe, only to end up in a stew pot. I thought this “beautification” would involve things that mattered: Mandatory lawn mowing and improvement days, reasonable house colors, properly weeded flowerbeds in front of every house, prohibiting car washing in your driveway, containing children’s play to backyards and monitoring their noise levels, you know, things that would actual raise property values and make certain areas that I won’t mention right now, more seemly. I can promise you one thing, Tanager Lane will not be participating in this make Lahaina beautiful again fiasco. Under my direction, my part of Lahaina has always been beautiful.”

STORYLINE

Officials Order Kokua Wellness Center’s “Product Integrity” System Taken Offline

After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.

Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.

The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.

Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.

“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.

Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”

However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.

Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.

“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”

STORYLINE

Man Who Set Off Massive Fireworks Explosion Files Suit

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The man who set off the massive fireworks explosion in Lahiana last month, injuring 27 people, has filed suit against the county. 51-year-old resident Randy Wilcox accidentally ignited the Fourth of July stockpile while participating in the cleanup effort after the devastating landfall of Hurricane Neki. Wilcox claims that the county failed to take reasonable care of the fireworks and is seeking damages. Nonetheless, officials continue to investigate him for possible criminal wrongdoing in the case.

There is no minimizing the destruction left behind by Neki, but the storm brought out an amazing sense of cooperation and community in Lahaina. Hundreds of volunteers worked to clear debris and look after injured neighbors in the days after the big storm. Randy Wilcox was one such volunteer and was working with a group to clear a road on July 6th, when they discovered a box of fireworks. Eyewitness reports about the precise series of events conflict, but there is no dispute that Wilcox fired the rocket that ignited the unseen stockpile of fireworks, lying just underneath the debris in the road. The ensuing explosion was felt on Front Street and could be heard in Olowalu, more than 6 miles away. While 27 people were injured in the blast, remarkably, no one was killed.

“Like everyone else, we had been working all day when I spotted the fireworks. I thought we’d take a break and have some fun,” says Wilcox. “We found a half-full fuel can a little earlier, so I thought it’d be fun to shoot at it. I didn’t know that the debris in the road was what was left of the shed where they had stored the fireworks from the cancelled show. I put a bunch of sparklers in front of the can and started shooting bottle rockets at it. It took a while for the sparklers to catch but once they did everything happened pretty fast. I remember the can popping and watching the burning fuel spread out and almost right away I felt the ground under my feet just lift up. My face felt really hot and the next thing I know, my boots are smoking and I’m flying through air. This was not the first time I’d been accidentally launched somewhere, but this time I was spinning around like a frisbee. I knew I was in trouble. I ended up crashing through the front window of a house nearby where my new hero Craig Luahi saved my life. If he hadn’t been sitting on the couch right where I landed to cushion my impact, I might not be here today. I feel awful that he’s still recovering from his injuries but I thank him and the man upstairs for looking out for me. I just wish they had been more careful with how and where they stored the fireworks, someone could have died because of their carelessness.“

Luahi disagrees strongly with Wilcox’s take on the situation and is suing him for his injuries and the loss of his couch. “Like a lot of others I was just happy to have made it through the storm unharmed. The house had a little bit of roof damage but nothing major. Best of all, my couch hadn’t even gotten wet. We’d already been through a lot together. It was the first big thing I had bought for my first apartment. It wasn’t new or anything but it was the nicest thing I had. Even though I was eating off of TV trays and using milk crates for end tables, I always had that couch to sit on. I worked during the day, went to class every night for years and that couch was my bed when I was too tired to move. I learned that I was going to be a father for the first time resting on those cushions. I was sitting in the same place when I heard that my grandma passed away. That couch and I shared 20 years of life and now we had even made it through a hurricane together. I had just opened a cold beer and took a little sip when I heard the explosion. It looked like a huge flock of birds at first through the window. As it got closer, I could see it was bits of wood and stone, with something trailing smoke in the middle. By the time I could tell the smoking part was a person, Randy was crashing through the window. I heard the frame crack when his head smashed into my teeth and we sank back into the torn fabric. My beer was knocked out of my hand and ended up wedged in the broken arm rest. I tried to reach it but couldn’t. I had to watch it spill out over the cushions. Because of Randy’s actions I’ve had to relive that moment over and over again while I’ve been recovering. I blame him 100% for the explosion, my injuries, and my torn, beer-soaked-cushions!”

The mayor’s office says they can not comment on the case because of the ongoing criminal investigation. However, an anonymous source familiar with the case agrees with Luahi calling Mr. Wilcox’s actions before and after the incident “disgraceful.” They say his claims are akin to “a drunk driver suing the Department of Transportation for crashing into a guardrail.” They add, “Clearly Mr. Wilcox has terrible judgement but you have to wonder about the decency of the legal team that would attempt to argue such an outrageous position, after so many people were injured.”

Kurt Bickley of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) says that it is Mayor Cravalho that should be concerned about the ramifications of bad judgement. He claims that anyone would have done what his client did in this case and that the county failed to exercise reasonable care of the Fourth of July fireworks. “Storing over $100,000 worth of explosive material in a $2000 wooden building, when a hurricane is about to hit is not just a bad idea, we believe it is a criminally negligent one.” Bickley says that in addition to his client and the 26 others physically injured by the blast, many more were severely traumatized. “We are exploring the possibility of a class action suit in this case. You have to remember that the incident took place on the heels of the worst hurricane to ever hit Maui. Many people thought that the explosion was a meltdown at the Thorcon plant or another terrorist attack. Frankly, Mayor Cravalho’s office doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to keeping the public safe and this is just one more example of their disregard for safety. We understand how tough it must be to have that kind of reputation in an area so dependent on tourist dollars. We’re confident that Cravalho will want to save himself and his administration any further embarrassment in this matter and settle with our client.”

STORYLINE

Manimal To Rebuild Lahaina Drainage System Damaged By Hurricane Neki

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Neki was a once-in-a-century hurricane, with record winds and tidal surges. The storm caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages, and left thousands in its path without homes or utilities. The hurricane’s devastation has been unprecedented, but so has the vast outpouring of support to help rebuild Lahaina. While most of that has been in the form of food, water, and medical supplies, one company has promised to solve a major problem the county is facing after the storm. The Lahaina based Manimal corporation has offered to rebuild and improve the county’s combined sewer and storm drain system.

Many experts agree that the Lahaina drainage and sewer system was badly in need of an upgrade before Neki. The decades old system was outdated, and unable to keep up with the needs of a booming Lahaina. The hurricane only exacerbated existing issues, propelling them into the spotlight. The city says that by accepting the offer by Manimal, they will be able to return services much faster to the community, and avoid any secondary dangers that the broken system now presents. “While Manimal is rebuilding our wastewater system we can focus on clearing roads, providing shelter, and returning power to residents. It’s a matter of utilizing what resources we have in the best way possible,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that it’s an honor to help the town so instrumental in the story of the drink company.

“As the birthplace of Manimal, Lahaina will always hold a special place in our hearts. When we learned how much damage 100 mph winds can cause, we were blown away. It makes you really appreciate how dangerous ultimate windsurfing can be. I learned about the sewer issues when delivering some emergency Manimal for the relief effort. I couldn’t believe another potential disaster was just waiting in the wings, when it rains it pours! I knew we had do something, so I got together with our best people, and told the Mayor we’d help take care of it, in exchange for branding and marketing rights. He agreed, and our civil engineers have devised an extreme drainage system able to handle the most extreme weather, and I may be biased, but the manhole covers look great!”

A massive marketing campaign has already begun to drum up public support for the unusual agreement. Manimal is running a number of commercials about the project and branded manhole covers have already turned up in a few neighborhoods. While most are happy to have a working sewer as soon as possible, no matter who builds it, there are some who worry that the drink company might cause long-term damage to the system. One resident says, “I appreciate the offer but what does Manimal know about combined drainage systems? My cousin Randy basically lives on Manimal, and I wouldn’t put him in charge of stacking blocks, let alone building something we all count on. I can’t believe the mayor agreed to this! What’s next, the Hailoha Parks Department, or the Abramo Meat Police? Bringing in a B-list celebrity to go over a slide presentation won’t change my opinion on the project either.”

As part of the marketing campaign, Manimal has held a number of informational meetings, hosted by their spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale. Offering a chance to look at various manhole designs and mock-ups of the new system, the meetings have been a hit with residents who’ve been forced to live in shelters. “I’m just spreading a message of hope and hydration,” says Kahale. “As a 19 time World Manimal Drinking Champion, I know a lot about processing excessive amounts of fluids. Manimal and hurricanes can be almost as intense going out, as they are going in, and this new combined sewer design is up to the task. Our “Storm Off” inlets regulate the flow of runoff water to a level that even the old system could swallow, eliminating the chance of future flooding. Knowing how many people were injured because of a lack of emergency shelters, we’ve included a number of refuge rooms in our designs as well. Now, in an emergency, your safety is only a manhole cover away. Worried that you might get bored waiting out the emergency? Don’t be. Many rooms include things like short rails for grinding, quarter pipes to practice basic tricks, and plenty of free standing structures to practice your parkour. It’s our pleasure to provide the residents of Lahaina a sewer system as radical as their lives.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina residents bond over SSHAM and sandbags

Mother nature is not going easy on Maui residents this year. Barely a month into the hurricane season the island has already faced the fury of 3 storms, but none of them have reached the intensity of Neki. The storm has already produced winds of up to 115 mph and meteorologists say that it could get even bigger before it hits.

Mayor of the County of Maui Albert Cravalho has cancelled tonight’s firework display and has issued a statement urging the public to prepare for the worst. All across the island people are bracing themselves and their houses for what might be the most powerful storm to ever hit the island. The National Weather Service now says that Neki might surpass Iniki, the category 4 hurricane that hit Hawaii in 1992.

While the general mood on the island is serious, and many are concerned, the looming storm has also highlighted an extraordinary sense of love and community. Mr. Cravalho says he couldn’t be more proud. This Hawaiian spirit and sentiment is especially true for the Lahaina area.

The Veilcorp facility there has ceased all travel activity and opened the doors to the public to use as an emergency shelter. Dan Kukulu, head of operations says,

“Our doors are open to anyone who is worried about the storm. We have nice strong walls and reinforced windows. Teams are going over every square inch of the facility right now to ensure everyone’s safety. We’re stocked up with enough water and Manimal for a week. We even have some entertainment to take your mind off the wind outside thanks to the Pu’u high school jazz ensemble. Everyone is welcome to come in, have a seat, and tap your feet until this whole thing blows over.”

All along Front Street businesses are boarding up windows and trying to protect themselves from flooding. Hula Noodle, a popular area shop has even offered SSHAM Musubi to everyone who helps fill sandbags. Owner Ralph Umeke says he’s proud, but not surprised at the willingness of his neighbors to lend a hand. “That’s what makes this place special. We’re like a big family. Sure, maybe a few people get on your nerves from time to time but in the end we all pitch in when we need to. Besides, I’m giving out bowls of SSHAM pho to anyone who fills 10 sandbags and that stuff is onolicious.”

North of Front Street others are offering some high-tech alternatives to sandbags. The local maker commune has been busily printing modular surge barriers all day and offering them up to anyone in need. Ano Lee says,

“The machines are hot and we’re almost out of materials but we’ll keep printing until we can’t anymore. This is my home and I want to do everything I can to help. We’re using a pretty cool pattern that I worked on a few years ago. The panels are easy to put together and they’re sturdy. We’ve installed purple LEDs along the top, and blue along the sides so they should look super cool at night, especially highlighted with a little lightning. In addition, every other panel has a small speaker and some pre-loaded music. I have to admit, our hurricane playlist might be the best we’ve ever made.”

People have been queuing up for the barriers all day including Scott Stonegate. The local man says that he isn’t usually the kind to hang out at the commune but appreciates what Lee is doing. Stonegate says he’s using the experience as a life lesson for his kids. “Their mom is the president of our HOA so she’s busy right now making sure that all the plywood is properly fitted over windows, and that there isn’t any unnecessary markings on them. I think it’s important for our kids to see that even in an emergency, standards are important.”

Scott says that if it wasn’t for Lee, his neighborhood of Tanager Lane might not have any workable solution should the storm surge reach far inland.

“I’ve already cleared away anything from around the garage that might be of concern. However, if it wasn’t for these panels my classic Mustang Shelby GT350 might be in danger of getting flooded out. Ivy is the most beautiful custom green and I don’t know what I’d do if her electronics got ruined. I’m over here working with people that I normally avoid in the lightning and raging winds with my kids to teach them an important lesson. You need to do anything you can to ensure the safety of the things you hold most dear.”

The latest National Weather Service forecasts predict Neki to make landfall sometime early tomorrow morning. Until then, the residents of Lahaina will continue to share SSHAM, sandbags, and a sense of community.

STORYLINE

Lahaina City Council Votes to Put Severe Restrictions On Ceremplant Use

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It many soon be illegal to use your Ceremplant while driving or crossing the street in Lahaina. The proposal passed with a 6-3 vote in favor with Councilmembers Bob Abramo, Annie Martin, and Ernest Malu voting no.

A number of larger municipalities have recently passed measures making Ceremplant use while driving punishable with a fine but the Lahaina law is by far the most stringent, covering a wide variety of activities. Proposal 7 would prevent pedestrians from using phones, pagers, cameras, handheld devices, computers, and Ceremplants while crossing the street. In addition it would further ban the use of those technologies while cutting hair in a salon, cooking food in a restaurant, applying a tattoo, or while working as a lifeguard in the city limits.

Those caught face fines of $200 for the first offense, and up to $1000 for a third citation. Supporters say that the proposal will hold pedestrians, motorists,and those working in the service industry accountable for their actions and help reduce accidents caused by distractions. They point out that in 2045 alone, 4,398 people were killed in distraction related crashes. Over 513,000 people were injured in crashes involving a distracted driver, and 16% of drivers involved in fatal accidents, were reported to be distracted at the time. Critics point out that there is a lot of data about distracted driving but almost none covering the other possibly prohibited activities. They call the proposal intrusive, unconstitutional, and a gross government overreach.

Kurt Bickley of the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) calls the proposal “ridiculous” and says that his office has already been contacted by a number of individuals about possible legal proceedings should the ordinance pass.

“I have listened to music many times while cooking dinner and I have somehow always managed to never stab myself in the eye because I was so enthralled with the chorus. This is nothing but the nanny state trying to exert its authority. They have no research, studies, or proof that Ceremplants interfere with many of the activities included in the proposal. They certainly don’t have a legal right to ban their use. I will concede that there is evidence that driving while distracted is more dangerous, but if we’re going to legislate driving based on numbers we should look at the fatality rates of elderly drivers too. The fatality rates of drivers over 65 is 20 times that of those 25-64. Using the city council’s logic we should start banning early bird specials at local diners since those promotions are killing thousands of grandmothers and grandfathers a year. Honestly the only place I’d want this law to apply is in the lavatories in the council building where I swear Big Bob has Ceremplanted himself in the stall for hours at a time.”

Besides the legality of the bill, there is the matter of enforcement. The Lahaina police say they will be using specially made scanning ammeters which will be able to “help officers determine when a subject is actively using their Ceremplant in a prohibited manner.” Critics point out that the scanners haven’t been properly tested for safety or efficacy. Many have concerns about possible health ramifications and damage to their implants.

Kimberly Hekili a senior at the University of Maui Lahaina College says she’s very concerned about the proposed law and the damage the scanners may do.

“My vlog, ‘A Day In the Life of Kim,’ has thousands of followers and it’s not fair to me or them to limit my ability to express myself. How will my fans know when I’ve gotten coffee and how I feel about it as I walk to class if I can’t cross the street? I assumed I could get a waiver since A Day In the Life is consistently in the top 10 of Hawaiian Vlogs, but the office was very rude to me when I called and was anything but helpful. I’ve also heard that those scanners might break your implant or scramble your brain. I find both of those possibilities unacceptable. I have collected almost 4 years worth of my Psi Pi Chi sister’s photos and memories with my Ceremplant. They say you can’t put a price on a memory but I bet my dad’s lawyer can.”

The bill will now head to Mayor Albert Cravalho’s desk. The Mayor’s Office will hear public comments on the proposal for two weeks before making a decision. If signed into law, enforcement could begin in July.