STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

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An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

STORYLINE

Vigil for Man Killed In Meat Grinder Accident Leaves Bad Taste In the Mouths of Many

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Lahaina residents are still reeling this morning from the accidental death of one of their own. 25-year-old prep cook Tony Paoa lost his life yesterday when he fell into a meat grinder, in front of a packed dining room at the Abramo Chop House. The accident has friends and family reeling, and they say a planned midnight vigil by Tony’s employer and Lahaina meat mogul “Big” Bob Abramo is not helping. Famous for his larger than life persona, the family says Abramo has gone too far with his plans to use the same grinder involved in the accident to sell half-priced burgers during the proposed memorial.

A frequent visitor to Lahaina, Spring Casey says she and her husband had just been seated for lunch and were watching Tony prepare the day’s burger. Part of the marketing campaign for the Chop House’s new foie gras triple SSHAM burger, employees grind hundreds of pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend in front of customers every afternoon. “I don’t really care to see a machine grind up meat, but Bret was really excited to have one of the new burgers and take in the whole spectacle,” Spring says.

The couple’s interest in seeing how their food was made soon turned to horror when Tony slipped from the top of the stool he was standing on and fell into the commercial grinder.

“It was awful. One second he was adding a container of short rib to the hopper and the next second he just fell in. We were all in shock, I didn’t even have time to scream before he was pulled in and bits of his apron started coming out. It seemed like it took forever for someone to shut it off. In the end, just his feet were sticking out the top. I just wanted to go, but they wouldn’t let us leave until we paid for our appetizers. It was terrible!”

Paoa’s friends and family say they are still trying to come to terms with Tony’s death and were traumatized again when the announcement about the midnight vigil was made. A portion of that announcement reads: “Like many of you, we are devastated by the loss of our bruddah Tony, but we know he would want the show and the grind to go on… We have thoroughly sanitized the machine in question and are offering half-priced burgers from midnight to dawn to celebrate his life and his commitment to prep work. Let the tears and juices run down your face… fill your heart with memories of our friend and your belly with the best burger on the planet.”

In addition to the poor optics of using the machine so soon after the accident, many have raised concerns about safety. However, Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that there is nothing illegal about the practice, even though it is “clearly in bad taste.” She says thousands are seriously injured or killed in kitchen accidents every year, and as long as the machine is thoroughly sanitized it is not a danger to the public.

“The truth of the matter is that there are over a half million commercial kitchen accidents every year. While most of these are minor, there is a significant number that turn out to be serious or even fatal. There is no doubt that you’ve eaten salad that has been chopped by a knife that has taken off the tip of a finger. You’ve had steaks prepared on grills that have burned off layers of skin, and might have even enjoyed a pickle made in a brining tank where someone drowned. As distasteful as it is, there isn’t anything illegal about using a grinder that killed someone as long as it is properly sanitized.”

For his part, Abramo says that he personally oversaw the cleaning of the grinder and thinks most of the pushback about the Chop House vigil is by people who didn’t know Tony or competitors trying to manufacture outrage.

“Tony was a part of our food family, and I know it must be killing him that he left such a terrible impression on our customers. As much as I hate to admit it, a good dining experience isn’t completely about the food. It’s about fun and atmosphere too. People don’t want to hear blood-curdling screams when enjoying a shrimp cocktail or watch a man being killed by a piece of commercial kitchen equipment while eating their soup.

We’re killing two birds with one stone, by giving Tony a do-over while we celebrate his life with the best burger anywhere at a substantially reduced cost. I personally know that Tony believed in every one of the 2730 calories inside our new foie gras triple SSHAM burger.
Some may think being ground alive in front of a horrified audience is a terrible way to go, but those of us who worked with Tony know he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Well…maybe being boiled alive in bone broth or bleeding out from a deep cut from the rib saw, but definitely in our kitchen. It was his home, and we’re going to have one last discounted home-cooked meal in his memory.”

STORYLINE

Researchers Working On Method to “Clone” Your Favorite Meal

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Most people have a favorite meal or a food they crave. Surveys have shown that the average diner chooses one of four regular options 90% of the time they go out to eat. While the number of our favorites may be small, their tastes can vary widely depending on many things such as: method of cooking, initial seasoning, and quality of product. The truth is not every T-bone tastes the same; but what if there were a way to save parts of a perfectly prepared meal, and have it duplicated exactly to your liking? According to biologist and food science researcher Thomas Mencken, that tasty dream may soon be a reality.

Son-in-law to Lahaina meat mogul Bob Abramo, Thomas says that he has always had a passion for pushing the boundaries of food science. “You don’t marry Bob Abramo’s daughter without having a serious love of all things grilled or broiled,” he says. In fact, it was his wedding cake that inspired his latest research.

“Like many couples we put part of our cake in the freezer after our wedding. We were so excited to share another wonderful bite together on our one year anniversary, that we could hardly wait for it to thaw. I remember the look in Brandi’s eyes when I fed her the first piece. That twinkle went flat, and the smile left her face as she struggled to chew. Then I took a bite. It was like chewing on a sponge. All the moisture was gone and the frosting was disgusting. Our memento of that day had turned into a crumbling nightmare. It was then that I knew we had to find a way to reproduce those special foods, and make them taste exactly the way we remembered them.”

With the help of his Vereserum partners that is what Thomas is doing. The researchers have devised a method to drape a stem cell matrix over organic latticing, to rapidly “grow” clones of food samples. The idea is that people would be able to save representative parts of a good meal, and have that meal reproduced exactly whenever they wish. Although the process is currently very expensive and it takes a few hours to grow a 10 oz. ribeye, Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen says she is confident that customers will be able to eat cloned meals in her father’s chop house in the near future.

“While it’s true that these cloned meals taste like a million dollars, we’re trying to slightly lower their million dollar price tag. Our research is really cooking though, and I’m sure we’ll have figured out a way to make these meals faster soon, even if it may be awhile before they’re on the specials menu. Food holds a unique place in all of our hearts. There’s no denying that the smell of freshly baked bread, or bacon frying in a pan holds good memories for many of us. Pictures and videos may give you a glimpse of the past, but nothing satisfies your nostalgic cravings like a meal prepared just like your grandmother would make it. That’s what this work is about. Making the meals of your lifetime over and over again.

Whether it’s: facial recognition ordering, feeding Lahaina’s homebound, or providing free-range, 100% organic heart valves to patients, Abramo Holdings is always pushing the boundaries of food science. With the help of our Vereserum partners I’m sure that we’ll be able to offer these special memories on a plate very soon.”

Famed botanist and Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters admits that he was initially skeptical about the prospect of cloning meals for high-end clients, but is now excited about the possibilities the technology holds. “We’re basically making Nuuskin booths for meals,” he says.

“I’ve devoted most of my life to solving the global food crisis. Be it plants resistant to virtually all fungal and phytoplasmal infections, like the King Coconut or creating a comprehensive growable food source like the Kukenroot, my work has been focused on helping those most in need. You can imagine my surprise when I was told that the company wanted me to spend my precious time on cloning steaks for Lahaina’s rich and famous. It’s safe to say that my initial reaction was not a positive one. However, once Thomas explained his vision to me, and I saw the size of the check Abramo Holdings had donated to the research, I began to see its potential. I am confident that in the near future we will be able to produce life sustaining meals in the lab for food vulnerable populations, and maybe even recreate someone’s favorite fancy diner.”

STORYLINE

Cabana of the Year Competition Kicks Off Lahaina Week Celebration

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All of Lahaina is buzzing in anticipation this weekend for the announcement of the winner of the “Cabana of the Year” title on Sunday. The competition, now in its 19th year, marks the official start of the Lahaina Week celebration. More than 100 cabana’s are in the running this year vying for the coveted title. While the competition has always sought to highlight the ultimate in beach comfort, this is the first year that corporate cabana’s will compete in their own category.

It may not garner the press of the Manimal Drinking Contest that closes Lahaina Week, but the Cabana of the Year event is a favorite with the locals. For almost 2 decades residents and businesses alike have constructed the ultimate outdoor lounges perfect for relaxing, and appreciating the laid back island feeling that has made West Maui a vacation paradise.

“In my opinion it is one of the greatest competitions in the world,” says resident and judge John Driscol. Star of the popular Veil Sale reality show, Driscol has judged the competition since its beginning and says, “I’m not aware of any other event that so perfectly encapsulates the area in which it is held as the cabana competition. In my opinion, these respites from the hustle and bustle of everyday life aren’t just places to lay back, have a drink, and stare at the water. They are true works of art.”

“It’s easily my favorite time of the year. Everyone has had moments in their lives that changed everything. I’ve been lucky enough to have three: the only time I saw my father cry, the birth of my precious daughter, and the first time I judged the competition. It was amazing! I thought that I’d never be more comfortable again in my life, but I was wrong. Every year, someone ups the lounging game, and it’s been a pleasure to be a part of the evolution of seaside drink sipping.”

This year marks the first time that corporate cabanas will compete in their own division. “It’s a long-time coming,” says “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner/operator of the famous Hula Noodle eatery and cabana contestant. Umeke says he appreciates local businesses wanting to be a part of the festivities, but they had an unfair advantage over the competition.

“I love Lisa Hunt and all the folks over at Veilcorp, but it is unrealistic to think that your average person could build an oasis as nice as one built by the largest corporation in the world. I think my tiki themed cabana has all the heart of the island, and class of the 1930’s when an appreciation of Polynesian art and culture started to spread across the world. There’s just no way I could install a mini-veil, and offer a thousand item beverage list like they could. One time SSHAM created a cabana out of a giant can with edible furniture inside, and Manimal had a wave simulator one year. All those things are great, but not something that your average resident could afford. Now the lounges have been leveled, and everyone can get back to enjoying themselves and embracing the aloha spirit.”

Many are praising the decision, especially with the black and white mark left by last year’s competition. While the event is supposed to highlight the ultimate in tranquility, 2049 was anything but tranquil for inventor Ano Lee, when his entry was plagued by a group of raccoons. The animals overran Lee’s cabana during judging, eating all the canapes before moving on. Three people were bitten in the ensuing chaos, and the contest was suspended for several hours until the little bandits could be rounded up.

“It was my fault. We had been feeding the trash pandas for weeks while we worked on a new chaise lounge design. Of course we never work without music, so I assume they started to associate the “Chill” playlist with food. I guess they must have heard the music when we set up. I was so busy fluffing pillows and explaining the modular nature of our printable cabana with the judges, that I didn’t notice the raccoons until it was too late. Next thing you know they’re trying to climb up my legs to get at the hors d’oeuvres and everyone is freaking out. I feel really bad for the people bitten, but we’ve been feeding them with totally different music than what we have playing in the cabana this year, so it shouldn’t be a problem. We’re really trying to forget the whole incident, and show off our latest custom lighting rig. I’ve never been more eager to hurry up and relax.”

STORYLINE

Kayaking Tourists Attacked While Trying To Film Otters

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Sea otters attacked a tourist and her family near Oneloa Bay early Saturday morning. The group were kayaking near the otters when the pod began to push the boats, jump out of the water, and attack the tourists. Witnesses say the otters managed to flip one of the kayaks in the horrifying attack. Several family members were treated for bites at the Lahaina Medical Center. Officials say such behavior in sea otters is almost unheard of. They are investigating the incident, and checking the otters for a possible rabies outbreak.

48-year-old Camilla Brandt says that she thought getting a few pictures of Oneloa Bay’s newly discovered sea otter pod would be a great way to cap off “the vacation of a lifetime.” However that dream soon became a nightmare, when her youngest son approached the pod with his phone out to take a picture. “It was like someone flipped a switch inside them,” says Brandt.

“Cody was so focused on getting himself in the frame that he didn’t see the big one flying through the water at him. It grabbed the front of the kayak, and almost knocked him over. The rest just started swarming. Tim and I paddled as fast as we could, but in a few seconds they were all over Cody and the kayak. Then they started jumping on our boats and trying to push us over too. I screamed when I saw Cody hit the water. Thankfully, some nearby fishermen saw the whole thing, and came to our rescue. If it wasn’t for them slapping the water, and the noise of their motor, I’m not sure we would have made it back alive. To top it off, as we were being pulled onboard, I saw one of the otters with Cody’s phone on its chest, smashing it with a rock. I don’t care what anyone says; they may look cute on TV, but these things are killers!”

The tourists were taken the Lahaina Medical center following the attack. Camilla and her husband were treated for minor contusions and lacerations, while their son Cody received over 30 stitches, and was held overnight for observation. As a precautionary measure, everyone received treatment for rabies.

Reports of conflicts between tourists and wildlife have been on the rise, particularly with the native Nene population. The State Bird has been the subject of numerous reported attacks this year. Back in February a couple claimed to have been “held hostage” by a group of Nene overnight. However, this is the first report of aggressive behavior in the otters. While he does recommend caution when dealing with any wild animal, Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Rsources (DLNR) says that the otters are nothing to worry about. “We will be testing individuals for rabies, but at this point it appears laws about harassing the pod, and getting too close were broken, leading to the unfortunate incident,” Iona says.

“Such aggressive behavior in otters is almost unheard of, but all wild animals can be unpredictable, especially when they feel their young are in danger. Add that to the fact that this is a population of animals that is normally not found in this area. We don’t really know what “normal” behavior might be for the otters living in our waters. People forget that these are big animals too. A fully grown male sea otter can weigh almost 100 pounds, that’s about the size of a German Shepherd. Having said that, and despite the incident Saturday, we have no evidence that our otters are any more dangerous than normal. Right now all the witness statements are clear that despites warnings, and laws against harassing the animals, the Brandt’s were much too close. We believe something about the reflection from the phone, and the proximity to young triggered an aggressive response in the otters. We can’t say enough how important it is to give these wild animals the space they deserve.”

Local residents have mixed feelings about the attack. Some in the area say they will now keep young children from playing in the water, and will avoid Oneloa Bay altogether. Others put the blame on the tourists. One Lahaina resident however says that the real culprit in the incident is Cody’s phone, and the unrealistic view of reality that it fosters. “He may not appreciate it now, but the otter that smashed his phone did him a huge favor,” says author Kevin Morrow.

“I’ve been studying photographs on social media recently, and have been blown away by my findings. The days of simple landscape shots, and family portraits in front of a standard background are over. There is no end to the number of filters, manipulating tools, and animations a young person can add to photos now. With the press of a button they can add: beauty make-up, dog ears, stars, rainbows, or even other people and objects to their pictures. They can even digitally place themselves in other locations. They used to say that “seeing is believing” but what does a young mind do when virtually nothing they see is based in reality. It was hard enough for me to navigate my nephew’s hall of mirrors-like photo section. I can only imagine what it’s like for the average young teen growing up with pictures worth a thousand imaginary words. I believe we need to start regulating these dangerous photo filters before someone decides to get a close-up of a tiger shark to see what historical figure it looks most like. In my opinion, we’re sitting on a photo bomb ready to explode.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

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Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

STORYLINE

Hailoha Defends New Sea Service

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Hailoha is defending it’s new Hailoha-Sea service today, after Mayor Albert Cravalho called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service. Launched earlier this month, there have been numerous complaints about Hailoha-Sea drivers from government and law enforcement officials, as well as tourists. Hailoha officials say they are taking swift action to remove problem drivers, and are working with officials to ensure the safety of customers and contractors alike.

Hailoha-Sea was supposed to be one of the most unique and beautiful modes of travel available on the island when it was announced at the end of March. Like the wildly popular Hailoha ride share service, Hailoha-Sea would offer people a friendly and affordable transportation option whenever they needed it, but instead of riding in a car passengers would travel by boat.

“It just seemed like the next evolution of our service,” says Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President. “Maui is an island after all. It just makes sense that quick, safe, and affordable water transportation should be available. There are tens of thousands of boats and responsible boat owners that have a chance to supplement their income, and meet new people thanks to Hailoha-Sea. Visitors to our beautiful island can take numerous trips of a lifetime by just getting to their preferred destinations, using our service. On the few occasions when our pilots have not performed to our standards, we’ve taken swift action to rectify whatever issues have arised, and have worked openly with law enforcement.”

Despite Lawe’s assurances there have been numerous complaints about the Hailoha-Sea service including: dangerous night boating, drivers coming up on crowded beaches to pick up passengers, fights over prime territory, and intruding on delicate protected areas. The Coast Guard reports a 80% uptick in emergency calls since the service was launched. Greg Iona from the DLNR says the agency has received dozens of complaints this month. He says, “The preservation zone extends into the water in a number of spots and many of these drivers are disregarding the boundaries to make a quick buck. We’ve had people damage reefs, and just last week we arrested a driver who was charging tourists extra to take them to a protected sea turtle nesting beach. The worst I’ve personally seen is a group who were taking tourists near our resident sea otter pod and selling them clams to feed the otters. Unless there are some major changes, this new Hailoha service is going to turn into a disaster for our delicate natural areas.”

While there have been plenty of complaints about preservation zone infractions, they are a small fraction of the number of objections and allegations made to law enforcement and the mayor’s office. According to Mr. Cravalho, “Someone is going to get seriously hurt or drown.” He adds,

“We’ve had so many calls and complaints that we’ve had very little time for anything else this month. We’ve heard of Hailoha drivers showing up on paddle boards, and over-filling canoes to the point that they sink. There have been cases of boats bumping into each other at high speeds, fighting over dock space in high traffic areas, but at least those idiots were using a dock. We had a guy get stuck on Kalani Beach trying to be the first to pick up a bachelorette party. The waters around Lahaina have become a mess. There’s a local who has tied a bunch of ski tubes behind her boat, and goes up and down the beaches at night, running some sort of party bus service. Do you know how dangerous that is? Lahaina is not that big, and we already have numerous transportation options including: The Veil Stop Network, buses, Manimal public ATVs, and the traditional Hailoha service. Lahaina doesn’t need the dangerous free-for-all of Hailoha-Sea.”

Lawe counters that the number of complaints is actually quite small, compared with the total number passengers the company has ferried around the island. She says that Hailoha has fired anyone who has been ticketed or officially charged with wrongdoing, and the company investigates all complaints thoroughly. “We are determined to work with officials and make the best water-based ride service we can. Hawaii is all about beauty and freedom; and nothing is more beautiful than having the freedom to have a few drinks, and ride an inflatable tube through the water at breakneck speeds, with a dozen strangers back to your hotel.”

STORYLINE

Hit VNN Crime Show Under Fire From Privacy Groups and Mayor’s Office

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The hugely popular VNN show, “Crime Time Lahaina” has come under fire from privacy advocates, and law enforcement this week, putting the future of the newly created program in jeopardy. Mayor Cravalho says there are serious concerns about the legality of some segments, and the program sends the wrong message to tourists. Privacy groups say that the information shared in an episode is often misleading or false, and that the show is potentially dangerous. VNN says Crime Time simply uses publicly available information, and serves as an important tool for tourists and residents alike who want a safer Lahaina.

Despite only being on the air for a little over a month, Crime Time Lahaina has become one of the fledgling network’s biggest hits. Every morning viewers tune into the program to see the previous day’s mugshots, incident reports, and even a list of tickets written. Areas of “rising crime” are featured, and the program’s drone cameras take a tour over Lahaina, highlighting homes and apartments where convicted criminals live. Viewers watching the live feed can request coverage over specific areas, or even individual people, who they’ve witnessed committing a crime.

Host and creator Gary Puniwale says Crime Time is the natural progression of neighborhood watch programs, John Cam shows, and the old fashioned police blotter. He says the show offers Lahaina residents a better look at who their neighbors are, and tourists a chance to keep themselves safe. “Crime Time Lahaina, simply lets people know who the criminals are, and what areas of town they need to be careful in. We’re talking about the ultimate in awareness and citizen policing. We hold nothing back from the public. I’m sorry if that is ruffling feathers at the police department or hurting tourism, but I’m more concerned about the safety of my neighbors, than the shops on Front Street having a better summer this year than last.”

Critics however point out that the majority of the “crimes” highlighted in the show involve minor things such as jaywalking, or failing to come to a complete stop at an intersection. In addition, the cameras often appear to follow people for nothing other than voyeuristic reasons. A Lahaina Police Department Spokesperson says they have received numerous complaints from tourists who say the cameras have followed them for hours, hovered outside hotel windows, and harassed them while inside public changing areas along the beach. Privacy advocates point out that arrest reports are routinely amended after they are aired on the program, without the corrections being made public. In addition, they claim that the information shared on Crime Time is often misleading or incomplete. Recently the program listed a prominent Tanager Lane resident as an active felon, although his record, for a crime committed as a teenager, was supposed to be expunged years ago.

“It’s just out of control,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. “It’s no surprise to me or law enforcement that the show has become what it is. Gary himself is a felon with a long history of interfering with law enforcement, incompetence, and making false reports. I can’t begin to understand the logic in giving someone like him a show of this nature. It’s like asking a mongoose to watch your henhouse. The drones are constantly shooting footage through widows, as well as harassing tourists and sunbathers. This show isn’t about protecting people, or making Lahaina safer. It sure isn’t about spreading love, or embracing the aloha spirit either. It’s about sensationalism, harassment, and the creepy thinking of Gary Puniwale. The only bright spot in this whole situation is Gary’s incompetence. Even with the show’s popularity, I’m sure we’ll be able to take the cameras out of his hands, and out of Lahaina’s windows soon.”

Puniwale says that he doesn’t try to hide his past from viewers, but would rather focus on serious issues: like people failing to yield to oncoming traffic, or putting the island’s natural beauty in danger by littering, rather than his history with law enforcement.

“This is all about transparency. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I ran into some trouble in my past trying to protect my friends and family. Maybe submitting over a thousand tips in a month was overzealous, and maybe I should have recognized the noises from my neighbor’s birthday party as laughter, instead of a home invasion and homicide in progress, but better safe than sorry. Those experiences did put me in a unique position to know the criminal mind better than most. For 90 days, I was forced to coexist in close quarters with criminals, and it gave me a special insight that I now share with my viewers. The mayor wants to throw stones and that’s fine. He should just know that throwing stones at someone is a crime in Lahaina, and I plan on reporting it daily starting at 8 a.m.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Man Guided By VNN Traffic Drones Leads Police On High Speed Chase

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Lahaina Police arrested a motorist Thursday evening who ran through a traffic checkpoint on Lahainaluna Road, just East of the Lahaina bypass. Authorities had just closed part of the road due to flooding from the unusually heavy rains this week, when they observed a van approach. They say Craig Luahi, a 43-year-old Lahaina resident, drove up to the checkpoint at approximately 7:00 p.m. appearing agitated. Officers informed him that the road was closed, and he’d have to find an alternate route, but they say he disregarded their instructions and drove through the checkpoint “at a dangerously high rate of speed.” Police would chase Luahi for almost 2 hours through the rain, and over the trails of Lahaina, as he, and the public used VNN traffic drones to help him evade the authorities. Lauhi says he was just trying to get home to watch his favorite show.

With lights flashing and sirens blaring, officers chased Lauhi’s 2040 minivan as he sped East towards a group of county workers on the road attempting to flag him down. Witnesses say Craig shook his head, pointed up at a pair of VNN drones, and kept driving. The workers were forced to jump off the road to avoid being hit.

For the next 2 hours authorities chased Lauhi across most of Lahaina, and parts of the preservation zone, while he followed directions from the public, aided by VNN “Traffic Time” drones. From Front Street to the West, to Wahikuli Gulch, and South to Tanager Lane, Craig evaded capture driving though yards and down trails. He was eventually stopped when his van became stuck in mud while trying to cross Honokohau Ditch. Lauhi told authorities that he was sorry, but was just trying to get home and stream his favorite show.

“I just wanted to sit on my couch and binge on the next three episodes of “Meal Ticket.” They were debuting that night, and I had had a terrible day at work. I wanted to sit back and watch a bunch of people try to convince a billionaire that they’d make the perfect spouse over diner. You can always tell who’s given up by how much dessert they eat. Anyway, when I saw that my route home was closed I was devastated. I flipped on Traffic Time to see how many roads were closed and complain, when someone who lives on the other side of the roadblock said the road wasn’t completely washed out yet, and I could probably make it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just really wanted to kick my feet up and settle in for the evening,” Lauhi told reporters.

“I watch Traffic Time a lot, especially on the weekends when downtown is packed with tourists. The real-time updates and user tips help me avoid the worst parts of town, and as it turns out, the police too. I couldn’t believe how helpful the users were, it was like they wanted me to watch those new episodes as badly as I did. They requested the drones move to areas I was approaching, and kept one on me at all times to help spot anything I missed. That allowed me to focus on my driving, which was good because they were leading me down some questionable routes. I eventually got stuck trying to jump a ditch in the van and the police caught me, which was probably best.”

Lauhi was charged with obstructing government operations, resisting an order to stop a motor vehicle, reckless driving, six counts of reckless endangering in the 2nd degree, and interacting with a Ceremplant stream while operating a motor vehicle. He was released on $50,750 bail this morning. However, many law enforcement officials claim that VNN is at least partially responsible for the incident, and are calling for new restrictions on the Traffic Time program.

Jake Tripper, VNN Vice President of Special Programming, says he was shocked to hear about the program’s involvement in the incident. “Traffic Time is about providing the hard working people of Lahaina with the fastest and most accurate information possible during their commute, and trips across the island. We are shocked and disappointed that our drones were used in such a dangerous way,” Tripper says. “We have always relied on the wisdom and speed of the crowd to help direct our drones, but it might be time to rethink those guidelines, as well as our policy to never delete forum comments. There’s always been some terrible things in there, but up until now it’s just been abhorrent, not criminal.”

For Lauhi’s part, he says he’s sorry, and has learned a valuable lesson.

“I apologize to: the police, everyone I put in danger last night, and everyone who’s property I might have damaged while fishtailing around Lahaina. I just got caught up in things. I’d also like to thank everyone on Traffic Time who tried to help me get home. We didn’t do the right thing, but it fills my heart with love to know that you would break the law, just to help a neighbor get home and watch his favorite show. The Aloha spirit is alive and well in Lahaina!”