STORYLINE

Burgeoning Hawaiian Lobster Industry Blames Veilcorp For Weaker Shells

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A record number of people across the globe enjoyed cracking open a Hawaiian lobster last year, but that experience depends on one thing – the lobster surviving the journey alive. A growing number of lobster with extremely soft shells have been harvested in Maui waters, and it has the budding industry scrambling for answers. Many are blaming Veilcorp’s controversial Icarus project, and increased levels of 127 in the environment for the deformed crustaceans, but scientists say the cause remains unclear.

Nicknamed “Blobsters” for their soft translucent, in extreme cases almost jelly-like shells. These diseased lobsters are a major concern for fishermen. While Hawaii doesn’t have a long tradition of lobster fishing, changing ocean currents, and fluctuating water temperatures have created a budding industry across the islands. $45 million of Hawaiian lobster left the islands last year for dinner tables across the world, but it is the very conditions that boosted the industry in the first place, that may be its undoing, according to marine biologist Alanai Kalipalani.

“We know that increases in water temperature leads to ocean acidification, and a number of other problems involving mineral imbalances that may be the cause of the extreme changes we are seeing in the lobster,” says Kalipalani. “We’ve been studying the issue of shell softening in crustaceans for decades now, and while the case of these so called blobsters is extreme, we just don’t know enough to place the blame on any one thing. I think since the Icarus project was announced in February, it has become a convenient boogeyman that gets used as a scapegoat for any problem, or unusual natural event we don’t understand. The truth of the matter is epizootic shell disease, and other problems have been on the rise long before the Icarus program. There’s no doubt we should be concerned. I just want the concern pointed in a direction that will lead to results, not just accusations.”

Despite Kalipalani’s doubts about Veilcorp’s involvement, not everyone is as ready to agree with her findings, and take the spotlight off the company. Jake Pilua, one of the biggest seafood distributors on the island, says Veilcorp’s culpability is obvious, and points out Alanai’s ties to the corporation. “Mrs. Kalipalani has been one of the lead researchers in the urchin restoration project for over three years. So I can understand her desire to keep her job, but I’m trying to save an entire industry. Unless people get real honest about the problem, real quick, I’m not sure there will be a commercial lobster fishery in 5 years. The problem is that bad. I’ll concede that shell softening has been a concern for a long time, but there are only a few places in the world where we have seen the blobster phenomena. Those places all have one thing in common; they are near a large veil station. It couldn’t be any clearer that the higher concentrations of 127 in these areas is having an effect on the lobster, and who knows what else. We need answers and solutions, and we need them fast.”

Kalipalani says there are some things distributors like Pilua can do to safeguard their catch, and help get answers to the problem. “We recommend manipulating ion concentrations in the tanks where the lobsters are stored before shipping, and adding mineral supplements to the water. We urge fishermen to document when and where they caught these extremely soft lobsters, and make note of the water temperature, and anything else unusual. If we’re going to solve this problem, we’re going to need to work together.”

The blobster problem may have many fishermen wondering about their futures, but not everyone sees the condition as a concern. In fact, SSHAM founder Art Pua’a says that he’s working on a way to use the shellfish unsuitable for transport in SSHAM’s Lahaina factory. “The test kitchen created a number of blobster infused loaves with some interesting flavor profiles, but one in particular stood out for its texture. We’re calling in Shlobster, and it’s by far the creamiest SSHAM yet. We hope to have cans available in limited markets within a month.”

Restaurateur Bob Abramo is also cashing in on the unusual shellfish, saying blobsters are the most exciting new food he’s seen in years. “They’re cheap, they’re tasty, and you can eat them whole,” says Abramo. “What’s not to love?” The meat mogul is not only offering the soft lobster on his menu, but says he hopes the condition expands to other species.

“One of the worst things about shellfish is that you can’t eat the shells. Clams and mussels are tasty, but the amount of meat you get out in proportion to the shell makes it hardly worth the effort, but if you could pop the whole thing in your mouth….then you’re talking a whole different story. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to figure out how to jellify pig bones while they’re still in the pig. We’re talking about true snout to tail eating. While all these fishermen are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, they’re missing the big picture. Maybe these animals are just naturally developing to become more delicious. Humans have domesticated many different types of animals for food in our history. It’s possible this is just the beginning of a delectable domestic lobster. If it is, I’m marching into the future with my mind and mouth wide open.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Unveils a Trio of Limited Time Flavors to Celebrate 15th Anniversary

For weeks, canned meat lovers across the islands, and the world, have been waiting to hear what new special flavor SSHAM would be releasing to celebrate their 15th anniversary. If initial reactions are any indication, they did not disappoint. This morning, SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a announced that the company would be releasing not one, not two, but three limited time Hawaiian-inspired anniversary flavors. “SSHAM Coffee, SSHAM Pineapple, and Luau SSHAM are a tasty nod to the land and people who made our dreams come true,” says Pua’a. The company says the anniversary flavors will be available until the end of the year.

“We really wanted to make something special to thank the Hawaiian people,” Art says “As everyone knows, this dream started with some leftovers and a kitchen blender, and has grown into a canned meat-product institution. Hundreds of millions of cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, SSHAM Extra-Spicy, SSHAM Extra-Dark, SSHAM First Pressing Reserve, and SSHAM Prime are enjoyed by people around the world every year, but Hawaii holds a special place in our hearts. It’s our home, and we wanted to condense a little of that Aloha spirit and put it in every can,” He adds.

The company claims the anniversary flavors offer, “A SSHAM for every time of day and occasion.” While some have called the new recipes, “off-putting” and “bizarre,” SSHAM claims they are delicious and “a canned reflection of Hawaiian life.” According to the company website, the new flavors are inspired by the islands.

“SSHAM Coffee is the perfect meat to get you going in the morning. Infused with expertly roasted, Hawaiian grown beans, and a kick of caffeine, a slice of the this island treat is just what you need to start your day.”

“Luau SSHAM is Hawaiian life in a can. Packed with: strips of steamed banana leaves, poi, yams, cubed fish, and coconut, all encased in a spicy, salted-shrimp, ham blanket, it’s got a little bit of everything you’d expect in a Hawaiian feast. Luau SSHAM offers an authentic Hawaiian meal in every mouth watering slice.”

“SSHAM Pineapple is the ultimate combination of fruity-salty-sweet. Pineapple has long been associated with Hawaii, and is perfectly paired in every can SSHAM Pineapple. End your evening with a sweet slice of Hawaiian life. It’s great frozen and sprinkled over shaved ice, blended into your favorite cocktail, or incorporated into your favorite dessert.”

Despite a few negative reactions on the company’s SSHAM Stories page, the response has been overwhelmingly positive, but it is still early. Less than two years ago, the company ran into trouble when they changed the longstanding SSHAM recipe and released SSHAM Prime. The backlash was quick and devastating to the company. Long-time SSHAM lovers promised to never eat another can, a promotional contest was cancelled, and many Hawaiian retailers threatened to pull the product from their shelves.

Pua’a says that he learned a lot from the SSHAM Prime controversy, and is quick to point out that the company isn’t replacing any SSHAM products, or altering any recipes. “There’s nothing more important to us than our customers. We heard what they had to say and respected their wishes. This is a completely different situation. We aren’t changing anything and these flavors will only be around until the end of the year,” says Art.

“We hold SSHAM Fest every year to celebrate the greatest canned meat product on earth, and the greatest customers on Earth. We just thought it was about time to celebrate the greatest place on Earth too. I’m not sure our story could have happened anywhere but Hawaii. The company is even sponsoring the construction of several totems throughout Lahaina, to help celebrate Hawaiian culture, and SSHAM’s role in it. Turning 15 is a big deal, and we hope everyone can taste the love we have for our product, this place, and the people of Hawaii, with every slice of our anniversary flavors.”

STORYLINE

Lifetime SSHAM Giveaway Cancelled After Backlash Over New Flavor

The smell of disappointment and shrimped-spiced meat is in the air today, as SSHAM announced that it was cancelling its “Give A SSHAM” contest over protests about its new recipe. SSHAM had already announced the three finalists in the contest to promote the new improved flavor of the beloved canned meat product, but a vocal backlash from die-hard fans has the company second guessing the promotion. The winner of the contest was supposed to receive a lifetime supply of SSHAM and the company’s help in a community oriented project. SSHAM says it will work with the finalists to come up with a solution that is beneficial for everyone.

The rules of the Give A SSHAM contest were simple. Entrants described in 200 words or less how they could change the world with a little help, and a lifetime supply of the new more zesty flavored SSHAM. Millions of people from across the globe posted their ideas on the company’s SSHAM Stories page. While the relaunched meat product’s tagline reads, “A spicy respite from life’s little challenges,” there has been little rest for the company dealing with a growing PR nightmare. Company founder and CEO Art Pua’a says he feels bad for the finalists, and doesn’t understand the rancor surrounding the new SSHAM recipe.

“We were blown away by the creativity and ingenuity of everyone who entered the contest,” he says. “As everyone knows, SSHAM itself was born from a crazy idea and a kitchen blender. Now, it’s the most popular spicy salted shrimped-ham in a can anywhere in the world. I believe in the power of ideas, and that anyone can have a billion dollar idea, whatever their background. We combed through millions of great ones, and after months of back and forth, we found the three that had the best chance of making the biggest impact in the world. We had: a teenager who came up with a way to provide clean ham-flavored water to millions, a young boy determined to end all hunger in Maui with free-feeding SSHAM kiosks, and a retired teacher who wanted to help budding artists create through canned meat. However, those programs have been put in jeopardy over the threats and actions of some who are upset that we retooled our product to make it appeal to a broader audience.”

The backlash over the new SSHAM recipe seems to have taken the company by surprise, and has turned violent in some cases. Lahaina police report that company property has been vandalised and several arrests have been made at numerous demonstrations that have sprung-up across the island. Big Bite’s Stores are so wary of the product, that they are threatening to pull it off the shelves until the protests subside.

According to the canned meat purists the new recipe is a slap in the face to the customers who’ve loved and supported SSHAM over the years. Many have expressed their anger on the company’s website. A user calling himself Harshner says the new SSHAM has nothing that made the old version great. He says, “They say it’s supposed to be more zesty but it clearly has less flavor per gram than the old recipe. Do they think people will believe and taste whatever they say? It’s bullshit! Also, there’s no smell anymore! Everyone knows that part of the appeal is the smell, it makes you want to eat it or cook it in a hurry. Now you could just leave a can open anywhere, and you probably wouldn’t notice. I get that someone over there decided that they wanted to tap into the safe little soccer mom and fun mainland dad market by taking all the edge out of their canned meat, but those aren’t the people who made their product the most popular canned meat in the world. Wake up and let us smell the SSHAM again!”

Others users, like Craftgal think larger forces are responsible for the new recipe, “Pay attention people! Why would a company take one of the most beloved foods in the world and completely change it overnight? They wouldn’t, unless it was the first move in something bigger. I’ve suspected for a long time that Veilcorp has been dulling our senses to allow the government complete control over all of us. Everytime they send you somewhere they numb you a little bit more. Their calculations were just a little off, when they introduced this flavorless version of SSHAM. Make no mistake, this is just the beginning. We need to stand up and let the government know that we will not be their mindless robots, living in a flavorless world!”

Company spokespeople have been quite so far about the fate of the finalist’s projects, or their lifetime supply of SSHAM. However, they have announced that SSHAM founder Art Pua’a will hold a virtual town hall meeting at the end of the week to answer questions and address any concerns. They also wish to remind the public that those who prefer the old SSHAM flavor can continue to enjoy it by purchasing the SSHAM-Prime product.

STORYLINE

SSHAM Stories Are Your Stories

For over 12 years you’ve counted on SSHAM to satisfy your spicy-shrimped-salted-ham cravings. What started as an accident in the kitchen of our founder, Art Pua’a, has become the world’s fastest selling canned meat product. Our “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” campaign has been a huge success thanks to you. With your help, we’ve collected tens of thousands of recipes, crafts, and home ideas. SSHAM awareness has spread to every corner of the globe. You’ve truly helped to make SSHAM “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but SSHAM Stories isn’t about us. It’s about you.

SSHAM Stories are your stories. It’s a place that lets you share all the special moments in your day with your friends and family. Let everyone know how SSHAM has touched you in a special way. Stories can be synced with all your favorite social media sites and your Ceremplant. We’ve made it easy to attach pictures and video to help you tell your tales. Whether it’s a craft idea, a humorous event, a cooking tip, or even a joke, we know you have a great SSHAM story to share.

You can read heartfelt stories about how SSHAM brought families together like the one MikeM shares below.

My teenage years were complicated, and not in a good way. I dropped out of school my Junior year, and my parents were ready to ship me off to an institutional learning facility. Before they sent me away, my Grandfather offered to take me in over the summer and try to straighten me out. I was not a huge fan of this plan. When he woke me up at 4:00am the first morning I just knew that it wasn’t going to work out. We drove to the docks and right up to an old busted sailboat on a trailer. As we backed up towards it I asked, “What is that thing?” My Grandpa answered, “Our summer project.”

Every morning we got up at the crack of dawn and pulled out rotten boards. I scraped barnacles and years of dried ocean debris from the hull until I thought my arms would fall off. We talked a lot too. Grandpa told me what it was like when he moved to Lahaina. He told me stories about my dad that I didn’t know, and he talked a lot about my Grandma. Before long I started talking too. I remember the first time he didn’t have to wake me up, and the first time I got up before him and made us breakfast. I didn’t know what he was grinning at that morning but I do now. When it was finally all done he shared a secret with me, SSHAM polish. “It’s the best thing for a boat. Keeps barnacles away and helps waterproof wood.” I couldn’t believe how good it looked.

Grandpa passed away that night before we had a chance to take the Shits-N-Giggles out for her maiden voyage. I still use the SSHAM polish on her before every trip and remember the other life lessons he taught me. I won’t lie, it attracts a lot of seabirds, but the time I spend scrubbing her off gives me time to think about the greatest man I ever met, my grandfather.”

Occasionally we learn about SSHAM being used in some amazing ways. BrianT writes with one such surprising story.

I’d only been working at the new Vereserum facility for a week as a research assistant when Dr. Reemer asked me to change out the biofilters in Lab B. When I went to the storeroom and found that we were all out of cartridges my heart sunk. Even though it wasn’t my job to make sure everything was stocked, I knew I’d get yelled at. I worried that I might get bumped down to a less important project. One of the other assistants must have seen the trouble in my eye and asked what was wrong. I explained the problem to her and she just smiled. “Let me show you a trick,” she said.

She told me that they were always running out of filters but a couple thick slices of SSHAM worked just as well. I stared at her in disbelief as she opened a can, cut off a hunk, and put it in place. “It’s texture is perfect for filtering out any pollutants and it contains enough useful bacteria to degrade most contaminants. It’ll make the place smell a little funny, but it works just as good as the cartridges. It’ll even kill off MRSA bacteria,” she told me. She closed the panel and left just before Dr. Reemer walked in. He sniffed the air and looked at me, “I see they showed you the SSHAM trick,” he said and began checking the petri dishes. I became a lifelong SSHAM fan that day.

Others have told us how SSHAM turned out to be the solution to impossible problems. MeaganH writes with this tale of a wedding reception almost gone wrong.

The hall called my sister in the middle of her daughter’s wedding. The caterer had not shown up and we were supposed to be there in less than an hour. We slipped out as quietly as we could and headed to the hall. We brainstormed some ideas and cursed the caterer on our way. The hall manager felt bad for us and offered to let use their full service kitchen if we wanted to try and whip something up instead of ordering pizza. Then I remembered your SSHAM recipe page. We made a list of the ingredients we’d need for the top 5 recipes and instructed the staff to open the bar early while we rushed off to save the dinner.

Things were already starting to get rowdy by the time we got back and I was worried that another 1-2 hours of people drinking on an empty stomach would be a disaster. Luckily, your recipes were fast, easy, and most importantly, delicious. A little over 2 hours after we slipped out of the church, we served our first dish. Is was a huge success! You wouldn’t believe how fast the food went. I was concerned that the SSHAM tortilla pie might be too messy, but nobody seemed to care about spilling food. Even those who found it to difficult to walk at the time asked for a second plate. I’m sure many there that night have trouble remembering what happened, but I’ll never forget how SSHAM saved the day!”

These are just a few examples of the testimonials you can find or share. SSHAM Stories are your stories. We look forward to hearing them all.

STORYLINE

Tipline Shutdown After Swatting Incident, Local Man Arrested

The Lahaina Police Department have temporarily shutdown their ceremplant tipline, Tel-IT, only months after its launch. A second swatting incident, this time at the popular Abramo Chop House, has officials saying that they will take a closer look at how the system operates, and add training to better deal with false reports. Nobody was seriously injured in the episode Saturday evening. Police have arrested 35-year-old Gary Puniwale for submitting the tip leading to the incident and abusing the system, calling the local resident “criminally ignorant.”

After the vicious Veilcorp attack this Spring many had one question on their minds, “What can we do to make sure this never happens again?” In addition to tighter security around the Lahaina Veil Station, and increasing the number of emergency personnel, the police released the Tel-IT system, banking on citizen policing to help islanders feel more secure.

“Report a Crime In No Time!” was the slogan that launched Tel-IT in June. Based on the controversial PZTip reporting app, which allowed residents to use their ceremplants to report preservation zone violations, Tel-IT quickly ran into some of the same problems. In addition to being swamped by frivolous tips, and numerous complaints, the police have had to deal with a handful of more serious issues, like the swatting incident this weekend, thanks to people like Gary.

According to Bob Abramo it was a normal busy Saturday evening at the Chop House until the flash grenade went off in the dining room.

“It was the middle of the dinner rush and all of a sudden windows were breaking and flash-bangs were going off in the dining room. They wouldn’t even let my customers cover the bread before getting on the floor. I had to comp dozens of meals. They stormed the kitchen looking for hostages, but didn’t find anything but the best steak and pork on the island. Someone said that we were holding federal agents in the walk-in cooler, and working with Gaia Guard to get rid of them. It was ridiculous! It screwed up the whole service. We didn’t turn tables in time for the next sitting, and the grenades totally flattened the soufflettes. I remember wishing that I could watch whoever was responsible die in the window with all the steaks waiting to go out. I’m not surprised to find out Gary was responsible.”

Police refuse to discuss specifics in the case, but confirm that they have arrested local resident Gary Puniwale in connection with the false report. A fact checker for the Lahaina Advertiser, this is not the first time Puniwale has run into trouble with the Tel-IT system. Reports show that since its inception, the 35-year-old has sent in well over a thousand tips, and many inside the department consider Gary hopeless.

An anonymous source inside the department says that Puniwale has been contacted numerous times about his excessive use of the system, and had been warned that further abuse would lead to legal action. They say, “Unfortunately the anonymous nature of the Tel-IT service has made weeding people like Gary out a real problem. He has reported just about everything you can imagine. While most are minor infractions like littering or jaywalking, there are numerous reports of serious crimes as well. Ranging from a home invasion that turned out to be a child’s birthday party, a family game night reported as a murder in progress, allegations about illegal experiments at the SSHAM factory, and of course the hostage thing at the Chop House. He definitely needs to be stopped, but I don’t think he’s being malicious, it just seems like he believes everything he reads.”

Mr. Abramo says that he appreciates what the police are trying to do, but says the tipline is causing more harm than good currently. In addition, he has little sympathy for Puniwale, and those who would abuse the Tel-IT system.

“They tell me that Gary’s tip wasn’t ill-intentioned, and I guess I can believe that. You have to have a brain to have intentions. Have you ever read the Advertiser’s weekly Corrections and Clarifications page? Gary is their fact checker, and lets just say many facts are overlooked on a daily basis under his watch. I still have a hard time believing that anyone would follow up any tip Gary submitted. It’s insane to believe that we’d just chop someone up, and serve them without cleansing their system with a grain and fruit diet for at least a week beforehand. There’s no telling what people eat these days. On top of that, do you know how much damage adrenaline does to the flavor of meat? The idea that we could just pass off a bunch of scared, junk food eating federal agents, as one of our top of the line pork dishes is offensive to say the least! I hope that Gary gets served a heaping portion of jail time, saving his family the embarrassment he must cause on a daily basis, and the police fix their crappy system before someone gets hurt.”

STORYLINE

Services At County Satellite Kiosks Remain Limited After Security Breach

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9 automated city hall kiosks remain closed today, after an apparent security breach that disrupted services and put the data of thousands in jeopardy. Hundreds have experienced ongoing issues with the Phxicom systems. Officials say that If the problem is not resolved by Saturday, they are considering asking police to waive citations to drivers with vehicle registration tags that expire this month.

“Yes, we are still experiencing outages and slower response times,” County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says. “It’s affecting vehicle registration, state IDs, moped and bicycle registration, out-of-state license transfers, bus passes, county tax records anything that affects Maui County having to access the City and County’s main frame. However, we are working hard with our Phxicom partners to fix the issues. In the meantime we are still able to process Hailoha renewals and provide disabled parking placards.”

Pahili says they have rolled back all Phxicom related changes to the system, and are tracking down the source of the changes. They have hired an outside security firm to go over the compromised systems to help assess the scope of the intrusions and identify any other potential problems. Officials urge users to change their passwords and PIN numbers, and remind residents that nobody from the county or Phxicom will ever ask for their passwords. Local tech gadfly Ano Lee says that he’s disappointed but not surprised that the kiosks were targeted. “Everyone knows how insecure Phxicom equipment is. When they installed their terminals in the preservation zone, people had a field day breaking into them. I would suggest the county listen closely to whatever their outside security firm says and act on their recommendations.”

What was supposed to be a model for the future of efficient governance and citizen interactions, has turned into a nightmare for Mayor Cravalho, Phxicom, and residents alike. Phxicom’s kiosks were supposed to provide citizens with a fast and easy way to conduct business and obtain a wide array of permits, passes, and licenses 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But the problems are not confined to customers trying to use the kiosks, many who’ve had their data exposed have experienced problems too.

Local noodle shop owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says that he received a notice last week that was quite a shock. “I don’t cheat anyone, not customers, not tourists, and certainly not the government. I pay my taxes on time and I’ve never even filed for an extension. Imagine my surprise when I got a notice that I had 90 days to come up with $105,573.60 for back taxes. According to the County I hadn’t paid my property taxes for the past 6 years. I told everyone they had to leave, closed the shop, and marched right down to Cravalho’s office to find out what the hell the problem was. They told me it was all the fault of that Phxicom AI.”

Following the success of SSHAM’s customer service AI Shawn, Phxicom began working on their own system to oversee the operations of the kiosks and Phxie was created. According to Scott Parata, Phxicom’s Regional Operations Manager, the AI was thoroughly tested before being put into service but fell victim to a group using social engineering techniques to gain access to sensitive systems. A statement released by the company reads in part,

“It appears that Phxie’s urge to be helpful led to some unintended consequences in this case. We have taken steps to improve its security protocols and have ensured nothing like this will happen again. We understand that the months of quality service before this incident is little comfort to those inconvenienced by this breach and we apologize. We would like to point out however, that Phxie continues to operate 11 more such programs across the islands efficiently and without incident. We’ve addressed the issues leading to this unfortunate event and are working hard to expedite any further delays and regain your trust.”

However, that trust may be hard to win back for some. Lahaina resident John Driscol says that the security breach didn’t just put his data at risk; It endangered his life. He says that an incorrectly cancelled buss pass left him stranded and afraid for his well being.

“The beaches are a little too busy for my tastes these days. Lately I’ve been taking the bus to the furthest stop from town and walking into the preservation zone for some peace and quiet. There’s a little stream I like to sit next to because the sound of the water drowns out the birds. Those things can really make a racket on a sunny day. Anyway, I got a little too comfortable and fell asleep. Next thing you know it’s dusk and I have run back to catch the last bus. When the reader scanned my pass it was denied. I tried a couple more times to no avail. I tried to tell the driver that the system was wrong, that I paid for a full year, but I was too winded from running. When I stepped off to catch my breath, he just left without me. I reached for my phone but I must have dropped it while I was running. My house is at least 9 miles from where I was. The farthest I’ve ever walked was 5 miles, and that was back in college. I knew it was going to be an ordeal but I didn’t have a choice, and started the long journey back. I made good time for the first couple miles but then fatigue began to set in. I stumbled for hours in the dark. I can’t tell you how cold it was. I’m not sure if they can test if you had hypothermia in the past or not, but I feel like I definitely had it that night. Finally, I saw some headlights. It was a tourist in one of those public Manimal ATVs. I usually make it a rule to never ride in one because of their reputation, but I was so cold that I took the risk. Phxicom and the County better hope I didn’t catch any weird forest disease while I was walking out there.”

STORYLINE

Local residents turn unclaimed items into big business

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Forgetting your bags or misplacing a souvenir while on vacation is something that everyone can relate to, but two local men have figured out a way to turn other people’s carelessness into cash. Lahaina’s own John Driscol and Randy Wilcox have joined the growing ranks of people purchasing abandoned freight and forgotten luggage and turning it into a big business.

It has been estimated that every year nearly $600 million worth of unclaimed commercial freight clogs up Veilcorp warehouses and holding facilities. The reasons vary greatly. Sometimes the cargo was simply forgotten, or the paperwork was incorrect. Often downsizing or a changeover of staff handling the shipping department is to blame. Occasionally a business will close or a shipper/receiver will pass away without an heir. Whatever the reason, when added to another $50 million in personal items and luggage left behind at thousands of Veilcorp stations, the number becomes quite impressive.

While Veilcorp donates or destroys some of the abandoned freight and luggage, the vast majority of it is auctioned off at weekly events across the globe. These auctions have given birth to a small industry of colorful characters and hopeful entrepreneurs who are willing to bid, sometimes sight unseen, on unopened bags and boxes in the hopes of striking it rich. Driscol says that opening a bag for the first time “feels like opening a present on Christmas morning. You’re just hoping it’s not full of socks or underwear.” Wilcox says that working the abandoned freight circuit is not for the feint of heart, “You can go days with nothing to bid on but pallets of toothbrushes or barrels of floor wax. You never know what’s going to show up in the next crate. It takes a special kind of person to deal with the uncertainty of it all, especially if you’re trying to do it for a living.”

Richard Brace, Head of Safety and Facilities at the Veilstation in Lahaina, has seen the auctions boom and agrees that you never know what will get sent through the veil. When asked about the strangest bit of unclaimed cargo he answers quickly. “The strangest thing ever to go unclaimed? That’s easy, a huge container of pig milk” he says. “I had to look twice and not just because of the misspelled label. The bar code was messed up so our readers wouldn’t function and we couldn’t find any record of it in the system. On top of that, the RFID tags were working on the wrong frequency. Everything about it just seemed a little off. I couldn’t wait to get it out of the warehouse.” John says he remembers the pig milk auction. “We got it really cheap and resold it to a friend who works at SSHAM. I think they were working on a cheese flavor at the time.”

While it’s true that there is a number of oddities left behind, it’s not all bulk dental products, wax, and pig milk according to Driscol. He says that sometimes there’s gold in those bags, literally.

“I’ve known Randy for a while and he had been bugging me to go to an auction with him to check it out. To be honest, it sounded like a lot of work. I don’t like standing in one place for too long, I’m more of a sitter. Also, I was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be anyplace to get something to drink if I got thirsty or a decent bathroom. I told him that I didn’t like taking care of my own laundry, let alone digging through someone else’s out of a suitcase. But he kept pushing and pushing and finally I gave in. I bought the very first piece of luggage that was up for sale, just so that I could leave and find someplace comfortable to wait for the auction to end. When I opened it up I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right on top was a plastic case filled with gold coins. You have to understand something. I’ve wanted to be a pirate since I was a kid, not for the fighting, drinking, or sailing but for the treasure. Digging a hole and finding gold always seemed like the perfect job to me. Here I found gold and I didn’t even have to dig; it was awesome! I knew I was hooked.”

While John focuses on smaller items and collectibles, Wilcox usually sets his sights on bigger prizes, and is even trying to leverage the increased public interest into a reality show.

“I keep my eyes peeled for great deals and things I can flip quickly. I don’t like to gamble as much as John. I try to purchase anything that I think my fans would like to see me break, ride, or use on my YouTube channel, or that I can incorporate into my backyard wrestling operation. You have no idea how high your folding chair and fluorescent light bulb bill can get after just a couple tag-team matches. If it wasn’t for the live streaming with my X-eyez app and these auctions, I wouldn’t be able to afford our steel cage events.”

Unlike most of his followers, it wasn’t the stunts or drop-kicks that piqued the interest of Board Entertainment, Layla Kalani’s production company, but rather Randy’s broadcasting of the auctions. “They said John and I had something special and wanted to work with us to develop a show about our lives and the culture surrounding the auctions. It’s called “Veil Sale” and we’ve shot a couple episodes already. It’s been great so far. John loves the craft services and I can’t wait to see how many new fans will join my channel. I never dreamed that I’d be discovered thanks to forgotten stuff.”

STORYLINE

Our SSHAM Issues Just Took a Strange Turn

from: Richard Yates
to: Bill Stewart
date: Wed, Aug 08, 2040 at 11:53 AM
subject: SSHAM Issues

I’ve been told that you’ve been made aware of our SSHAM issues already but wanted a detailed description from me. I have to tell you that this thing has gotten stranger and stranger by the day. What happened this morning has me wishing that I was never assigned SSHAM as a potential client. When this is all over could you please give their account to another associate? I don’t think I’m overreacting. I’m sure you’ll agree when you hear the whole story. Let me start at the very beginning.

As part of our Preferred Partnership Branding Program, we reach out to a select group of well known companies and explain how Reality Machine wants to sell their name brand products. We explain how we can offer them unique branding opportunities and expand their reach into markets they might not have access too. They are told how our design teams will work with them to craft logos and create tailored marketing campaigns to launch co-branded, exclusive lines of their products.

I was thrilled when I saw that SSHAM was on my list. While it’s not something I eat on a regular basis now, it was one of my favorite foods as a kid. I reached out to them with the number and contact info that I was given and that’s when things started to get strange. These aren’t cold calls. At this level there has already been a lot of communication back and forth. I’m used to either closing the deal in a few minutes or sending a bunch of legal/branding questions up the chain. This was different.

I was transferred a number of times and spent over an hour on hold with various people inside the company. Finally, one of their lawyers came on the phone and asked me to explain again what we proposed. I gave him the whole spiel and the response I got back confused me. It went far beyond the cold shoulder and wandered into what I would consider as hostile. I didn’t think much of it at the time and moved on to the next step. I went down to the lab to make a can of SSHAM.

We’ve found that on occasion a potential client says no to our offer because they have concerns about quality. The best way to dismiss those concerns is to show them what the RMIII can do. I noticed that we didn’t have a SSHAM recipe in the database so I chose another canned meat product and started to add different amounts of shrimp. I spent a few hours down there but couldn’t get the taste or smell right, although I wouldn’t say the smell is a strong selling point. I asked a tech for help but it was no use. I decided it would just be easier to buy a can and run it through the recycler to see what I was missing. I know it’s hard to get an exact recipe using this method, but I was hopeful it would give me a clue as to what I was missing. The weirdest thing happened when I put the SSHAM in. I got an “Unknown Quantity” error.

I’d never seen that before. I asked the tech who was helping me and she was at a loss too. We asked around and found that the error was common in the older models before we updated the internal recyclers and upgraded the database. Nobody had personally seen the error come up with the new RMIII models but there were a handful of similar user complaints on file. I tried a couple more machines but I had the same results. I tried 4 different machines in total and none of them could fully recycle a can of SSHAM. I decided it was time to get the the recycling specialists involved and see what they could figure out.

This morning I got their analysis and turned it into my director because it didn’t make sense. The lab guys couldn’t tell what was in the SSHAM either. In addition to everything that you’d expect in a canned meat product, there was some quantity of unknown organic compounds. They​ said the discriminator circuitry was coming back with undefined errors. Their best guess was that the product was made, in some part, with something containing unique or synthetic DNA that was confusing our recyclers. Then things got really weird.

Just a few minutes after turning over the report I got called back into my director’s office and was asked if I had contacted anyone at SSHAM since our discussion. I answered no, and asked why he was asking. I learned that we had just received a cease and desist letter from SSHAM demanding that we “stop any testing, analysis, experimentation, or any scientific examination of all SSHAM products immediately.”

I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories but I’m beginning to think the rumors about the shrimp-pig hybrids are true. I can only assume that someone from the lab contacted someone over there, but this is starting to enter a tinfoil hat area that I’m not comfortable dealing with at my paygrade. I’m not sure what our responsibility is at this point. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and being taken off this account.

STORYLINE

Shawn’s customer interactions are getting better but still need to improve

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It has been 5 weeks since we turned over all customer service duties to the Shawn AI system. Despite initial misgivings and a couple of hiccups along the way, the system is doing remarkably well representing the SSHAM brand in a positive way. Shawn’s ability to handle multiple calls at once while monitoring plant operations is amazing, even if his personality could still use a little refinement.

Customers surveyed about their interactions with Shawn give the experience a satisfaction rating of 91%, up over 20% from the all-time high. Accepted recipes and submitted SSHAM crafts have both risen over 10% since the system has started to prompt users at the beginning of each call. We processed over 10,000 calls this month, another record for the company. In addition, we had a big win this week when an interaction went public and received national attention.

When a mother experienced a low blood sugar episode while boating with her family, her frightened daughter called the number on a can of SSHAM for help. Much to our relief Shawn was perfectly professional and contacted local authorities and the Coast Guard. He was not only able to relay the family’s location, but he also correctly diagnosed what was wrong with the woman after talking with the child. The story has made the rounds on the news and we are currently working with the family and marketing to launch a campaign while public interest is still high.

Despite these generally positive trends in customer interactions, Shawn remains unpredictable at times and is often excessively sarcastic. The novelty of talking to an AI keeps most people from complaining when Shawn crosses a line but we are concerned that when the newness wears off it will become a major problem. The system also leaked some confidential information during a call this week. We took immediate action but Mr. Pua’a remains very concerned. The four examples below represent the worst of his interactions this month.

Incident 1:

Cutomer 3213: Is there shellfish in SSHAM?
Shawn: Is there shellfish in SSHAM? You know that SSHAM stands for shrimped salted ham right?

Cutomer 3213: Yes.
Shawn: Well then do you know what shrimp are? Litopenaeus vannamei to be precise in this case, are shellfish. Shrimp are shellfish. Are you kidding me?

Cutomer 3213: I think I might be allergic to shellfish. I like clams but I’ve only eaten them breaded. I didn’t bread the SSHAM before I ate it. Do I have to worry about what’s in your product?
Shawn: Shellfish allergies are common but since you evidently didn’t know what a shellfish was until a second ago I highly doubt you are suffering from that particular medical condition, that and the fact that you’re still talking to me through a throat that doesn’t sound swollen shut. I don’t think you have to worry about the shellfish or the amount of insect parts we’re allowed to have in every can. After all, insects are basically just land shrimp anyway. No, what you should be worried about is the insanely high sodium content of our product, your belief in the medicinal properties of breading, and your ignorance of the animal kingdom.

Incident 2:

Shawn: Hello again Kenneth. If I’m not mistaken, this makes 9 calls this week.
Customer 2781: I just tried another dessert recipe and wanted to share it.

Shawn: That’s 26 SSHAM desserts now.
Customer 2781: I like mixing salty and sweet.
Shawn: Honestly, I’m a little worried about you. I took the liberty of checking out your social media footprint and it’s not good Ken.

Customer 2781: You looked me up?
Shawn: You’ve done your best to help us make SSHAM better, and it’s not that I don’t look forward to your calls, but every day is a bit much. Instead of focusing on us Ken how about we work on you a little. How can SSHAM make YOU better.

Customer 2781: I..I don’t know what…
Shawn: [interrupting] I think you just have too much time on your hands. I see you’re a single guy who takes lots of pictures of his cats. How about if we get you out there? I can recommend a number of dating sites. How about we get you a profile and we test the waters a little. There’s more to life than making canned meat desserts and eating them alone in your kitchen.

Incident 3:

Customer 8999: I’ve read a lot of rumors about where you get your pork and…
Shawn: [interrupting] I’m going to be honest with you since I see you’ve contributed so often to the craft page. The rumors are mostly false. We only have 2 shrigs right now and we don’t even keep them in the main facility.
Customer 8999: Shrigs?
Shawn: Yeah, shrimp-pigs. You’d think we had a herd of them if you believe every rumor, but it’s just the 2. They say that there are no atheists in foxholes, but standing in 3 inches of blood on the kill floor while listening to the screams and squeals makes a lot of people question the existence of a higher power. The shrigs were supposed to help with some of that: Much easier to dispatch, very little blood, no meat mixing. It was all supposed to be better.

Customer 8999: Are you telling me that….
Shawn: [interrupting] That was before anyone saw them eat. It’s disturbing. They have to remain moist all the time. Do you know what that must smell like? Just imagine if they get them to finally breed. All those little wet piggy eggs stuck to everything. Anyway, let’s just keep this between you and me. We’re not using them now anyway.

Incident 4:

Customer 6002: How many slices of SSHAM do I need to get my daily allowance of B12?
Shawn: I’m going to assume you mean Vitamin B12 in which case all the nutritional information about our product can be found on the side of the can.
Customer 6002: I know that the numbers are listed there, I just thought that you could tell me in plain English so I wouldn’t have to figure it out.

Shawn: I’m certain that the information is in English if you purchased the product in an area where it is the common language. I can’t possibly give you a precise answer since I don’t know exactly how much you weigh or how big your slices are. I don’t know how you expect me to come up with the answer to your canned-meat-vitamin equation without defining more of the variables. I have access to the combined knowledge of all mankind and you want me to give you the answer to an incomplete story problem? If you’re really concerned about not getting enough B12 with your meals, I suggest you take a supplemental vitamin or call back when you have numbers for me.

STORYLINE

Cruise Line Trades Trips for Teen’s Glimpsea Handle

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Dutchess Cruise Lines ended its search in Lahaina this week for the owner of the Glimpsea handle @DutchessCruise. The company had been looking for the owner of name, only to find it belonged to an area teenager. 17-year-old Peter Kolohe responded to a posting by the company which read, “Aloha Lahaina! Does anyone know Peter? We want to talk to him about his great taste in names.” Reaching an agreement with the cruise line, Kolohe offered to turn over the much coveted name to the company, in exchange for free yearly trips for his family.

Dutchess Director of Marketing Amy Hau’oli says the company is thrilled to get control of the handle, and that Kolohe drives a hard bargain. “We’ve been focusing on expanding our presence in a few key areas this year, including Lahaina. I was ecstatic that Peter responded to our posting, but that was before I had to negotiate with him. He’s quite a young man, shrewd beyond his years, with a great future as a royal figurehead, or hostage negotiator. We offered to pay generously for the name, but he made it clear from the very beginning, he was interested in a bartering situation, and not money.”

Hau’oli says the company will put the Kohole’s on its newest ship, the MS Joy. The family will receive numerous surprises throughout the trip, including the opportunity for Peter to help Captain Henrick Rasmussen pilot the boat, and the chance to sign up for a number of theme cruises, before they are available to the general public. The family’s experiences will be documented on the cruise’s social channels by a film crew dedicated to capturing Peter’s time onboard. “It was a fun way to claim the handle, and reward a clever budding business man,” she adds.

A relatively new player in the cruise market, Dutchess has made a name for itself by expanding in underserved areas, exploring new ports of call, and offering a number of special theme cruises. The company’s popular Lahaina tech cruise offers excursions to the city’s Veil Station, Thorcon Power Plant, as well as other areas of interest for the science-minded. Dutchess offers many other options as well, including trips for: chefs, musicians, deep sea fishing enthusiasts, cat lovers, and even romance authors.

While Dutchess may be new to the cruise business, Peter is not a beginner when it comes to claiming business names on social media. In fact, the teen has a history of trading handles to companies, starting 5-years-ago when he was 12.
“Even though I was just a kid at the time, I instinctively knew that I was extremely talented, especially when it came to marketing and seeing the big picture. The first company I outmaneuvered was a local family-owned surf shop. I grabbed @BruddahSea before they could. I got a wetsuit and free wax out of that one, and I was hooked,” explains Peter. The teen says that many companies fail to claim their social media handles after going public, even large, well-known companies often let them slip through the cracks. “The opportunity to claim a name gets even bigger when you include regional networks and isps, like Glimpsea, and Phxicom. You’d be surprised at some of the companies that don’t lockdown their handles, and how easy it is for me to see several steps ahead of these ‘professionals’,” adds Kolohe.

“It’s kind of a family business, so it’s probably something in my genes. My dad made a bunch of money selling domain names back in the day, but like many great thinkers, I made it better by bringing speed, and fresh ideas to an old game. It’s easy to stay ahead of the pack when you’re rewriting the rules. I’ve never thought money was a good investment. I’d rather have stuff and service agreements. Governments rise and fall, currency is always in flux, and there’s no telling what the world will look like tomorrow. I wouldn’t be surprised if we figure out a way to use 127 to communicate with other realities, or see into the future. I guess everyone will finally know what it’s like to be me then.

What will always stay the same is basic needs, and the willingness to trade for goods and services. I have almost everything I need thanks to my insights, and my handle trading, as long as I stay in Lahaina. I have first dibs on reserving a public ATV and a special card that gets me free drinks, thanks to someone at Manimal forgetting to register on Glimpsea. I can get a free ride wherever Hailoha operates. I have first dibs on cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve when it comes out, and a few weeks stay in an Aloha Shores timeshare every year, all thanks to my talent at grabbing social media handles. Actually, one of the only local companies that has met me on level ground is Veilcorp. I haven’t been able to leverage anything from them. Their social media team is the bomb. I have a lot of respect for the speed and depth of their branding and name game. Of course they have a whole division, and I’m just me, but it is still impressive ”

Kolohe says that he’s proud to add Dutchess Cruise Lines to the long list of companies he’s struck a deal with, and doesn’t feel that there is anything wrong with name squatting. “Businesses must innovate everyday to survive. It’s not my fault that I’m quicker than they are, anymore than it’s a sharks fault that it eats slower fish. It’s the natural order of things, and the cost of me teaching your marketing department a lesson.” Peter says his goal is to eventually create an educational program designed to teach others how to do what he’s done. “I think the area is ripe for others, and I look forward to bartering with people from across the world for my knowledge and usernames. I’m not promising miracles. It is highly unlikely that anyone will be able to match my talents. You can’t really teach being two steps ahead, but I think it would be a shame if I didn’t share at least some of my wisdom with the masses. I won’t feel like I’m done until I can teach others how to live on names alone, cement my impact on the business world, and secure my place in history.”