STORYLINE

SSHAM Stories Are Your Stories

For over 12 years you’ve counted on SSHAM to satisfy your spicy-shrimped-salted-ham cravings. What started as an accident in the kitchen of our founder, Art Pua’a, has become the world’s fastest selling canned meat product. Our “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” campaign has been a huge success thanks to you. With your help, we’ve collected tens of thousands of recipes, crafts, and home ideas. SSHAM awareness has spread to every corner of the globe. You’ve truly helped to make SSHAM “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but SSHAM Stories isn’t about us. It’s about you.

SSHAM Stories are your stories. It’s a place that lets you share all the special moments in your day with your friends and family. Let everyone know how SSHAM has touched you in a special way. Stories can be synced with all your favorite social media sites and your Ceremplant. We’ve made it easy to attach pictures and video to help you tell your tales. Whether it’s a craft idea, a humorous event, a cooking tip, or even a joke, we know you have a great SSHAM story to share.

You can read heartfelt stories about how SSHAM brought families together like the one MikeM shares below.

My teenage years were complicated, and not in a good way. I dropped out of school my Junior year, and my parents were ready to ship me off to an institutional learning facility. Before they sent me away, my Grandfather offered to take me in over the summer and try to straighten me out. I was not a huge fan of this plan. When he woke me up at 4:00am the first morning I just knew that it wasn’t going to work out. We drove to the docks and right up to an old busted sailboat on a trailer. As we backed up towards it I asked, “What is that thing?” My Grandpa answered, “Our summer project.”

Every morning we got up at the crack of dawn and pulled out rotten boards. I scraped barnacles and years of dried ocean debris from the hull until I thought my arms would fall off. We talked a lot too. Grandpa told me what it was like when he moved to Lahaina. He told me stories about my dad that I didn’t know, and he talked a lot about my Grandma. Before long I started talking too. I remember the first time he didn’t have to wake me up, and the first time I got up before him and made us breakfast. I didn’t know what he was grinning at that morning but I do now. When it was finally all done he shared a secret with me, SSHAM polish. “It’s the best thing for a boat. Keeps barnacles away and helps waterproof wood.” I couldn’t believe how good it looked.

Grandpa passed away that night before we had a chance to take the Shits-N-Giggles out for her maiden voyage. I still use the SSHAM polish on her before every trip and remember the other life lessons he taught me. I won’t lie, it attracts a lot of seabirds, but the time I spend scrubbing her off gives me time to think about the greatest man I ever met, my grandfather.”

Occasionally we learn about SSHAM being used in some amazing ways. BrianT writes with one such surprising story.

I’d only been working at the new Vereserum facility for a week as a research assistant when Dr. Reemer asked me to change out the biofilters in Lab B. When I went to the storeroom and found that we were all out of cartridges my heart sunk. Even though it wasn’t my job to make sure everything was stocked, I knew I’d get yelled at. I worried that I might get bumped down to a less important project. One of the other assistants must have seen the trouble in my eye and asked what was wrong. I explained the problem to her and she just smiled. “Let me show you a trick,” she said.

She told me that they were always running out of filters but a couple thick slices of SSHAM worked just as well. I stared at her in disbelief as she opened a can, cut off a hunk, and put it in place. “It’s texture is perfect for filtering out any pollutants and it contains enough useful bacteria to degrade most contaminants. It’ll make the place smell a little funny, but it works just as good as the cartridges. It’ll even kill off MRSA bacteria,” she told me. She closed the panel and left just before Dr. Reemer walked in. He sniffed the air and looked at me, “I see they showed you the SSHAM trick,” he said and began checking the petri dishes. I became a lifelong SSHAM fan that day.

Others have told us how SSHAM turned out to be the solution to impossible problems. MeaganH writes with this tale of a wedding reception almost gone wrong.

The hall called my sister in the middle of her daughter’s wedding. The caterer had not shown up and we were supposed to be there in less than an hour. We slipped out as quietly as we could and headed to the hall. We brainstormed some ideas and cursed the caterer on our way. The hall manager felt bad for us and offered to let use their full service kitchen if we wanted to try and whip something up instead of ordering pizza. Then I remembered your SSHAM recipe page. We made a list of the ingredients we’d need for the top 5 recipes and instructed the staff to open the bar early while we rushed off to save the dinner.

Things were already starting to get rowdy by the time we got back and I was worried that another 1-2 hours of people drinking on an empty stomach would be a disaster. Luckily, your recipes were fast, easy, and most importantly, delicious. A little over 2 hours after we slipped out of the church, we served our first dish. Is was a huge success! You wouldn’t believe how fast the food went. I was concerned that the SSHAM tortilla pie might be too messy, but nobody seemed to care about spilling food. Even those who found it to difficult to walk at the time asked for a second plate. I’m sure many there that night have trouble remembering what happened, but I’ll never forget how SSHAM saved the day!”

These are just a few examples of the testimonials you can find or share. SSHAM Stories are your stories. We look forward to hearing them all.

STORYLINE

How To Communicate the News About the Train Station In a Responsible Way

rail.jpg

Dear city council,

Like many in Lahaina, I was delighted when I heard about the inter-island rail project. Having an easy way to travel across the island and to Lanai seemed like a great idea, even considering the level of profanity that public transportation evokes. When I learned that Veilcorp was pulling out last year I was greatly concerned. Mayor Cravalho did an admirable job however of quickly spreading the news that the train might still run one day. Unfortunately, it appears now that the train won’t be traveling anywhere. My investigations have revealed that the train station has a new owner and we have a potential crisis on our hands. I’m talking of course about the crisis of excessive disappointment. We need to make sure our friends and neighbors are ready for it.

As a published amateur sociologist with 2 active blogs, I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. Many of you ignored my warnings about the increase in public profanity the radio tower would produce. I think we all know how that worked out. I can only hope that you listen more closely to my warnings about rampant disappointment.

My studies and observations have led me to believe that the displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations might be just as bad as swearing. Research has shown that when asked to rank words from “good” to “bad”, disappointment ranks consistently near the bottom. These investigations have further shown that a feeling of disappointment can drastically affect an individual’s behavior. I have some personal experience in this area.

As a child my parents would often forget to pick me up at scheduled times after events, a phenomenon that continues to this day. I can’t count how many times I’ve carpooled with a group only to be inexplicably left behind when it was time to go. I’m not sure what it is that makes it so easy for others to drive away without me, but the disappointment it caused has left its mark. I now try to drive myself everywhere and become very anxious whenever I ride with someone else. The last thing we need is an entire island wondering what to do with themselves because the possibility of taking a train ride home has been stripped from them.

Trains are romantic and good for the environment. There’s no doubt that Veil travel is the way to go if you’re traveling a long way, but for short trips there’s nothing like riding the rails. Trains are a great way to see the countryside and really experience a culture. Most countries see the value in a robust rail system and I know many on the island do too. A recent survey of 150 different countries has shown that the U.S. ranked 5th for being the most emotional country. Our emotional rivers are already swollen at the banks and I’m not sure what is going to happen if the city council unleashes a downpour of disappointment with the train news.

Things have already turned violent with the year long delay. I’ve been spending the last few months hiding near the empty station at night. I watch people walk by in order to gauge their level of disappointment and the emotional problems it causes. What I’ve found is eye-opening. I’ve been verbally assaulted and threatened on numerous occasions while crouched in the bushes. I was even attacked with pepper spray on one occasion while trying to follow a particularly raucous group who were wandering by. I was stunned at how quickly their laughter turned to screams and shouts. I wondered what had caused such a quick change in mood as I tried to wash out my eyes in the shadows. I’ve been all over this island and the people are generally kind and friendly. Why were they acting so differently at night near the train station, especially towards someone partially hidden in the foliage? Then a switch flipped in my head and the answer became clear: crushing disappointment.

I’m sure Vereserum is a fine company and will employ people, pay taxes, and all that, but will they be offering train rides? I highly doubt it. We need to get in front of this thing before word gets out. I don’t want to get bogged down in how I know about this deal before it has been made public. That’s not important right now. What is important is appropriate signage and a carefully crafted statement.

Luckily for you, I am willing to offer up my expertise and extensive knowledge of the human mind. I have a few ideas about the amount of smiley faces and other positive emoji’s to include in your official statement, and some font choices that I think will serve us well. Lahaina is supposed to be a friendly, beautiful place. Nobody wants to watch sad surfers or walk along a bitter beach. Disappointment can spread like a disease and we need to be the cure. If I work all night I can have my slides ready for your morning meeting. Let me know If I should stay home tonight and out of the bushes. I’m confident that together we can guide the people of Lahaina through this difficult time.

STORYLINE

Hundreds of Customers Not Thankful For New Ceremplant Dark Mode

brain.jpg

A Vereserum app that was supposed to aid customers survive those long Thanksgiving dinners with relatives has turned into a horror story for users across Maui. Part of a Ceremplant “Home for the Holidays” pack, the program featured face-swapping technology and a special dark mode to allow users to “…attach a friendlier face to your most problematic relatives or sneak in a nap while sitting at the table.” Instead of a helping hand, however, hundreds of users experienced terrifying bugs with the software including temporary blindness.

“Home for the Holidays” was supposed to be a shot in the arm for Vereserum and leverage the company’s ubiquitous implants to solidify its place in the lucrative augmented reality market. According to the marketing materials, the app would “…allow users to experience the holidays they knew as a kid. You can enjoy a white Christmas wherever you are thanks to snowfall mode, experience a dark and stormy Halloween night any time of the day, or add fall colors anywhere with the Thanksgiving filter. Our advanced morphing technology can even face-swap overbearing relatives with someone a lot nicer, and our special dark mode allows you to sneak in a little nap right at the table!” Unfortunately for the company, the app gave users little to be thankful for.

It started with users finding that they couldn’t cancel the app’s “Dark Mode” once engaged. Soon hundreds of grandparents and cousins were stumbling around kitchens across the island clutching their containers of leftovers and panicked. Lahaina emergency services were swamped with calls from terrified parents whose children had gone blind before their eyes. In a few hours, hundreds of homes would be filled with company unable to leave and terrified hosts.

The temporarily blind were the luckiest in some ways. Others experienced problems with Vereserum’s morphing technology. Relatives had their faces and voices swapped leaving many unable to see or hear anything but their bigoted uncles. Some were hospitalized due to the ordeal and authorities are searching the beach and parks looking for any children who might still be trying to avoid the trauma of kissing a dozen grandmothers goodbye.

In a brief statement this morning, Vereserum CTO Alex James says, “Clearly things did not go as planned. We are still investigating what went wrong here and are taking all the steps necessary to make it up to our users. We take customer security and safety very seriously and look forward to continuing to provide Ceremplant users with the most innovative implant experience available to the public.”

Many are saying this is the final nail in the coffin for Vereserum’s Ceremplant division, but some diehard fans are accusing the media of trying to stir up outrage. They say that while it was scary for a relatively small percentage of users, there was no lasting damage. Lahaina resident John Driscol is one such fan and says he doesn’t see what the fuss is all about.

“I was forced to take on a part-time job recently, disrupting my beach time. I was horrified that I was able to find work so quickly but was slightly relieved to hear that I could complete my orientation online. I figured I’d do it during Thanksgiving so I wouldn’t get sucked into a conversation or have to pretend to care about the game on TV. Still, I was worried that someone would try to engage with me somehow until I heard about the new Ceremplant app. I figured I’d upload the Holidays program to keep things interesting. It was one of the best decisions of my life!

Right away things started to go dark. I could barely see the slides on my screen making it extremely easy to ignore. Then the noise from the kitchen began to fade out. Before I knew it, everything went completely black and I couldn’t hear my brother’s annoying laugh. I tried to end “Dark Mode” but nothing happened. Instead of freaking out like a lot of people did, I decided to make the most of it.

I have always dreamed of being able to sleep with my eyes open. Imagine how much better life would be if you could doze the afternoon away without judgment from those around you. Imagine how much better weddings, family gatherings, and school events would be if you could shamelessly sleep through the dullest parts of any activity. I can’t say that I was completely successful but I feel like I was able to doze off for at least 15 minutes and I think I could do much better with some more practice.

All I’m saying is that besides a few overly excitable people and a handful of freaked out kids everything turned out fine. Everyone has their vision back and I said nothing to anyone on Thanksgiving, not even hello. I hope they don’t change anything because of this little hiccup. I definitely need more practice sleeping with my eyes open and the wife
and I are really looking forward to the face-swapping feature for Valentine’s Day.

STORYLINE

How a Tool Designed To Help Those Suffering From Brain Injury Became a Popular Dating App

plasma.jpg

Alex James is something of a contradiction. He’s one of the hottest names in the valley with headhunters calling daily with offers that he generally ignores. He still lives with his parents although on paper he’s one of the most successful men around. His app “Emotional Compass,” EC as it’s better known, has become the hottest program available for use with Ceremplants. An estimated 70% of all users having downloaded the program, with most admitting to use it to find a date at least once. A dream come true for most tech professionals, but not for Alex. In fact, he wishes most of those users would stop.

Alex built his Ceremplant app to help those with certain medical conditions, which may seem strange to some, but Alex is quick to point out that the ubiquitous implant has its origins in the medical field. He says,

“People forget that these devices were intended to help those with cortical visual impairments (CVI). Vereserum unveiled the small injectable chips back in 2025, and had such promising initial results that the device was fast-tracked by the FDA. Unfortunately, at that time we were on the verge of the boom in personalized DNA medicine. Reparre Biologics had a number of projects also on the fast-track, and they came up with an effective stem-cell therapy solution before the Ceremplants were done testing. Vereserum ended up pulling funding and opened the code. Lots of people starting playing around with the implants and the next big boom began.”

It wasn’t just bio-hackers who took an interest. A number of other companies and the military were also interested. Veil travel was becoming more popular than ever, and with the increase in travel came an increase in the concern about terror attacks. “Everyone was looking for an effective solution that they could have ready in a short period of time,” James says. The U.S. military started a facial recognition program with a twist using the Vereserum technology. Instead of trying to identify individuals, the military system was designed to recognize emotions through micro expressions and body language. It was their hope that a group of security personnel equipped with Ceremplants running the software, would be able to spot potential threats before they had a chance to act.

“The program was scrapped for a number of budgetary issues but the work was good. I was amazed at how far they had gotten when I stumbled on it one night. I could see the potential immediately. I was so excited that I don’t think I slept for the first few days,” Alex says. He assembled a small team, and in just 16 months had the first version of Emotional Compass available for download.

“We started refining the the program with the help of body language specialists, animal experts, and therapists. It was my goal to build a system that could help those suffering from certain medical conditions like Asperger Syndrome, or traumatic brain injuries navigate social situations. EC would send a stream of real-time emojis to users who had trouble recognizing social cues. If you were in a job interview, and your interaction was going well, you’d see a stream of smiling faces. If you were doing something that made the other person uncomfortable you’d see sad faces, that was the general idea. We even got the system to recognize a number of animal postures, and what they meant. EC could effectively warn you if a dog was friendly or not with just a look. We helped so many people it was amazing! We had thousands of thank-yous come pouring in from people who could finally get through an interview thanks to our work. We got letters from kids who made friends for the first time, and could finally feel good about going to school. It was a great time around here. We released our second version 4 months later, knowing that we were making a difference. Then we started to hear how others were using our technology.”

There was no doubt that Alex and his team did great work, and it did not go unnoticed. Others soon took an interest, but not in the way James ever envisioned. A number of gambling related derivatives began to appear. The system was so good at reading body language and facial expressions that it was almost as if a user could see the other players cards. Most casinos require access to gambler’s Ceremplants so it didn’t become a major issue, but it did allow Alex to see the beginning of the “corruption” of his technology. He had no idea just how popular EC was about to become and what it would be famous for.

James isn’t sure who started using his technology for romantic endeavors first. “All of a sudden everyone was using it to hook-up,” he says. EC had become very popular in clubs. The system designed to help the differently abled was also very good at detecting potentially receptive dates. “Sadly, this is the innovative spirit that drives the valley these days,” he says. Word spread quickly. Within a year of the release of EC 2.0, it has become the most downloaded app ever created with no sign of slowing.

“It’s changed the game around here,” an anonymous club owner says. “It hasn’t really increased revenue but we do see a lot more people every night. It’s cut out a lot of the small talk, a lot of every kind of talk really. A few months ago you could barely hear the music over the chatter on a busy night. Now it’s mostly people sipping on drinks and scanning the room like they’re kids looking for their favorite cereal at the store. Honestly, It’s a little creepy,” he adds.

Alex agrees. “While I’m open to any unintended use of technology, I don’t think this is a good one. I created this to help people who were unable to integrate well into society, not to silently hook up at a bar. I sometimes think it would have been better to never have released EC despite how many it’s helped. I worry that in the end it will have the opposite effect on society than what I intended.”

STORYLINE

How Technology Created To Help the Blind Can Pick the Perfect Pizza

pizza.jpg

Back in 2025 Vereserum made big waves in the news with the announcement of their Ceremplant chip. Developed by their injectables division, the small chip was designed to offer hope to millions of people worldwide suffering from severe visual impairments. The device worked by taking in visual information through tiny connections directly from the eye, or through a kind of “nose antenna” in some cases, and processing that information directly into the visual centers of the brain. Better yet, the Ceremplant was piezoelectrically powered by the vibration of the tiny bones in the human ear and natural body movements. Once it was implanted it never needed to be removed for a battery change.

The Ceremplant represented a huge step forward in a number of technologies and was fast tracked through FDA testing. Initial results were amazing. Its size and method of implantation meant that it could be installed in a doctor’s office by a trained professional, eliminating more costly and dangerous medical procedures. Virtually all subjects regained at least some visual capabilities with most getting back full 20/20 vision.

Vereserum’s invention was a huge medical breakthrough but it was ironically undone by yet another medical breakthrough, personalized DNA medicine. Companies like Reparre Biologics had been hard at work perfecting new stem-cell therapy techniques and had just finished their own FDA trials. Their advances made the Ceremplant obsolete before it was ever through testing. The stem-cell medicine was cheaper, safer, and more effective for around 90% of patients.

While there were still thousands suffering from cortical visual impairment (CVI) who could be helped by the injectable technology, its future was not going to be as widespread as Vereserum hoped, and the company all but discontinued research and development. The future of the technology seemed bleak until a few years ago when the body modification and bio-hacking community started showing interest. Now it seems that the implant’s future is brighter than ever, even if some say that future is a frivolous one.

Veresrum opened the code to their 1st generation Ceremplant soon after cutting off funding, and that’s when the bio-hackers started to experiment with the technology. Within a few months members of the community had created a Ceremplant that offered a real-time overlay of your surroundings with street addresses. Soon after, someone added a business review feature. Then a social app popped up, and the ball kept rolling. A full software suite now exist for the Ceremplant including a rudimentary facial recognition program, image editing software, messaging services, and chess. All of this created by passionate enthusiasts who keep coming up with new features and uses everyday.

The buzz is so big in fact, that Vereserum has announced plans to restart their own program again, even if some inside the company seem less than thrilled with what their technology has become.

“At one time the Ceremplant represented hope for millions. A visually disabled person could have their life forever changed in a half hour thanks to
our technology. Now our implant is associated with wifi-broadcasting-gauged ears, and implanted LED horns. People are using it to have pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less. While I’m impressed with some of the innovations, and glad that the chips are being used again, I wish they weren’t being squandered on such inconsequential matters,” says Vereserum CTO Ryan Mandal.

Not everyone thinks pizza acquisition is a meaningless pursuit however. Local bio-hacker Ano Lee has created what he calls “the most advance pizza procurement system known to man” using a Ceremplant. Ano’s system monitors brain activity and targets toppings and crust options that receive the most attention and places an order automatically. “One of the biggest problems with ordering pizza is trying to decide what you want on it. My Perfect Pizza program takes all the guess work out of it and places the order for you.”

Using the implants to identify injured people and transmit medical or financial records are almost certain according to enthusiasts. They think it may be possible to record memories one day, and even play them back. Ano and many others say that the future of the technology is almost limitless. “I believe that you could even store all the memories and biological information about a person in a Ceremplant one day. Just think, everything that makes you, you, would be on something the size of a grain of rice. If you can think it you can do it with one of these,” he says.