STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

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As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

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SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

STORYLINE

Case In Third Veilcorp Bombing Suspect Faces Legal Roadblock

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The case against the third suspect in the Veilcorp Luau bombing has hit a major roadblock. While she is still being held for trial, attorneys for 35-year-old Sierra Tabot have alleged that major pieces of evidence in the case against her were obtained improperly as part of a wide-ranging illegal rendition program. They contend that the government colluded with Veilcorp officials to wrongfully hold and interrogate dozens of suspects in undisclosed locations. If proven to be true, it could have a devastating effect on the State’s case not only for Tabot, but also for her alleged conspirators.

The Veilcorp bombing back on May 4, 2041 shocked the world. 39 were injured and 10 people lost their lives including founder Eric Oeming’s wife and young daughter. 3 days later Ben Drakes, a Veilcorp employee with ties to the radical environmentalist group Gaia Guard, confessed to the crime and released a manifesto accusing the company of “tearing her [the Earth] apart with gateway technology.”

The arrest so soon after the attack led much of the public to expect a quick resolution to the investigation but it was over 6 months before the next suspect was apprehended. On January 15, 2042 Richard Yates was arrested for his involvement in the conspiracy. A branding associate at Reality Machine, Yates had moved to Lahaina to work on the inter-island rail project and blamed Veilcorp for the project’s early end.

The case seemed to be picking up momentum again when earlier this month the government released some additional information about their case against Yates and arrested a third suspect, Sierra Tabot.

The state says that Tabot was working as a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center when she met Richard Yates. The two seemed to bond immediately over their shared hatred of Veilcorp and the company’s leader, Eric Oeming. The pair were soon inseparable and Sierra’s fellow employees began to worry about her stability. Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn says,

“Sierra began to travel down some troubling paths. She became obsessed with the idea that the Veilstation was powered by draining the Ch’i of the living things around it and the people passing through the gateway. She talked about how the scientists and engineers working at the station were spiritually hollow and that they were trying to make everyone else hollow too. It began to affect her work and we had a few complaints from guests. The final straw came when she burst into another instructor’s class one day with a handful of her crystals, screaming about how they were no longer attuned and tried to evacuate the building. Management had to let her go.”

After her dismissal, Tabot found work with Kaiwi and Sons catering. The State says that it was at this time that Sierra and Yates became heavily involved with Gaia Guard extremists and met with Drakes for the first time. They contend that after discovering Kaiwi and Sons was scheduled to provide food for the annual Veilcorp company Luau, the trio began to craft the plan that would eventually claim 10 lives and stun the world.

Any forward progress in the case was stopped over the weekend however, when Tabot’s legal team accused the government and Veilcorp of participating in an illegal rendition program. They say that dozens of possible suspects were taken and improperly held at secret facilities, where they were interrogated and in some cases, tortured. The backlash has been quick and overwhelming.

U.S. Rep. John Kildee has been very vocal about the allegations and just this morning has called for a congressional investigation into the charges, “I think the American people deserve to know if Veilcorp has decided that it’s OK to snatch people out of thin air. As troubling as that idea is, I think it would be even more disturbing if it turned out that someone in this government gave them a green light or was working with them. These are not the kind of ideas that this country was founded on and I intend to find the truth.”

Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen counters, “Veilcorp works with government or law enforcement officials from time to time, by providing personal or travel details about certain customers when presented with the proper orders or writs. Nonetheless, to be clear, and for the record, we do not grab people while they are veiling and transport them to internment camps. These allegations are categorically false.”

At this point, while she sits waiting in her cell, the future of the case against Tabot is on hold until the courts rule on her lawyer’s allegations. If even some of her accusations prove true it could have huge ramifications. Yates’ case has already been slow and mired in motions, but this could derail the case entirely. There have been calls for the President to put a temporary stay on Drakes’ execution by a small but growing and vocal group. Any hope that the long investigation might finally come to an end seems all but lost at this point. Tonight, there is still no peace for the victims in Lahaina.

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center’s Hot Yoga Program Raises Concerns

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Well known for their exclusive clientele, as well as their unconventional classes and treatments, the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is often the subject of media attention. However, it is not the latest Layla Kalani sighting that has the spa in the news today, it’s the centers first offsite hot yoga program. With classes such as Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing, and Mindful Chewing, you might wonder why Kokua’s hot yoga class is in the news. The answer to that is simple, this hot yoga class is taught near an active lava field.

According to Sebastian Malu, barr-a-loha and lava yoga instructor, hot yoga has many benefits. It can: cleanse toxins from the body due to profuse sweating, increase lung capacity, and circulation, boost the body’s immune system and regenerative properties, increase flexibility, and help with weight loss. He points out that a person who performs 90 minutes of hot yoga can burn over 700 calories. Nonetheless, Malu says his brand of hot yoga offers many more benefits.

“Though we try to pretend otherwise, the four fundamental elements are essential to good health and overall well-being. The truth of this is undeniable. The benefits of water aerobics and aqua therapy are well known. We are only beginning to understand how beneficial things like acrobatics and aerial exercise can be to happiness and balance. While those practices focus on the restoration of only one element, lava yoga harnesses the power of earth to keep you grounded and fortify your spirit, as well as invigorating your mana with fire, using that powerful energy to manifest your interpersonal goals.”

Taught at the foot of Kilauea’s most active lava field, Malu says his yoga classes are so popular that they are fully booked for the next three years. “I’m in the process of hiring an assistant so we can let more people experience the power of lava yoga, but the screening process is long and quite involved.”

Though the possibility of being covered in magma while in “dolphin” pose, may seem terrifying to some, Malu says that lava yoga is quite safe. “We recommend that all of our students wear fire retardant clothing just to be safe, but honestly, there’s very little chance of being seriously burned. Heat resistant suits are much too bulky to wear during lava yoga, so your proximity to the magma is limited. I tend to teach the class a blistering few hundred feet away, but I tell beginners to double that, and be mindful of the wind. Lava yoga is perfectly safe and may be the most complete physical and spiritual exercise ever conceived.”

Despite Malu’s reassurances many experts say that lava yoga is dangerous, and potentially deadly. They point out that lava is not the only danger of being near a volcano, it is often the gases released from the ground that are the most deadly. Greg Iona from the DLNR says, “The flow in the area is slow enough generally that I’m not concerned about people being overrun by lava, it’s a cloud of carbon dioxide settling down and asphyxiating people that I’m worried about. There are a number of harmful gases that should cause these people concern: sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrochloric acid and carbon monoxide, just to name a few. There’s a reason volcanologists usually wear some sort of respiratory device while working near a volcano.”

Despite warnings from experts, many are willing to take the chance, and find the prospect of exercising in the shadow of a volcano exhilarating. Professional drinker, and Manimal spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale credits lava yoga with revitalizing his career.

“I’ve swallowed thousands of gallons of Manimal in my career, but I couldn’t swallow losing the Red Bottle 5-years-ago. It was a real low point. For 9 years I had been able to drink more Manimal, faster than anyone on the planet. It was everything to me, and when I lost, I lost more than the title. I lost who I was. Then I met Sebastian, and my life changed forever. He explained I had been living an unbalanced life. I had flooded my inner fire and earth. If I was going to get back on top, I needed to get rid of some of my water, and imbue myself with other energies. He was right. You wouldn’t believe how much you can ring out of my clothes after a session of lava yoga, it could fill a kiddie pool! I’ll be honest, the smell is pretty bad, and so are the vapors coming from the volcano. It’s like someone shoved rotten egg salad wrapped in burning hair up your nose, but you can’t argue with the results. I won my title back last year, and plan on defending it in a few months. They say the strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire. I don’t know anything about that, but I can tell you that lava yoga has my desire burning hotter than ever, and man am I thirsty!”

STORYLINE

The Kokua Wellness Center Has Limited Spots Available, Apply Now!

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For the past 9 years, you’ve come to know the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa as the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. The beauty of our Maui location is matched only by the grace of our teachers and programs. We truly appreciate the trust and spiritual relationships you’ve formed with us as well as your financial offerings. We try to give that energy back every day, but some things are out of our control.

As you may be aware, government mandated quotas might soon be enacted on the island because of overcrowding concerns. In a few months, the number of visitors allowed to Veil to Maui could be set, and a waiting list will be created. While some businesses have already closed ahead of this well-intentioned government overreach, we have bent like the reed and have embraced the adversity.

Change is often scary, but it is always necessary. Like the winds and the ocean currents, a shift is coming to the Center, and we would like to take as many of you as we can on this unfamiliar journey. The proposed law is forcing us to reduce our membership by half. We regret that we won’t be able to take all of you with us but we promise to offer blessings and referrals of support for those who are impacted by this transition.

We have spent days in contemplation about this possible change and have decided to let you show us who wants to make the best use of our teachings. To help us make this important decision we are announcing a number of new programs and classes updated to better manage your needs and concerns. Our new membership roll will be based on the financial and spiritual gratitude you show us by accepting these guided gifts into your daily routine. While it is not compulsory to sign-up for every new offering, they have been designed to serve all members and aspects of your family.

Please let us know which of the following you’d like to explore.

Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing: Positive people get positive outcomes. Learn in our float tanks through a number of biofeedback techniques to remove negative thoughts from your life. Perception is reality. If you only see the good in yourself others will too. Don’t tell your boss you want a raise, let him feel it through your aura. Live a faultless life by refusing to recognize any flaw. Allow us to improve your personal brand and truth.

Advanced Pali-ites II: Similar to our previous advanced pali-ites class, pali-ites II still focuses on controlled breathing, body-mind connections, and purposeful action, but that is where the similarities end. Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn has manifested one the most complete centering programs you will ever encounter. Her progressive relaxation exercises and words of deliberate consistency will guide you into new realms of spiritual alignment. Master Autumn emphasizes being present in all things, but she is unchained by the worldly concept of time. Classes begin and end daily when they should, and not according to a rigid schedule.

Devotional Eating: Feeding your soul is important but the truth of the matter is the body needs to be fed too. Bolster your body with Chef Craig’s teachings and creations. You will learn to enjoy your meals beyond the limits of your five senses through the art of transpersonal plating. Craig will expose you to a number of mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies. Learn just how important food can be to your overall health and satisfy your hungry mind.

Family Balance: All too often your time here is seen as a bastion of serenity in a sea of chaos. This can be especially true when you have a busy family life. This offering will give you a wide array of skills to pass on the peace to your family. Holistic grooming will teach you a more complete path for dealing with your pet. Learn how you can let their souls shine as bright as their coats. Teach your baby to self-soothe with the infant-autohypnosis techniques you will learn through our guided imagery process. Discover where the chakras are in your home, how to align them, and much more.

Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy most of our more established programs including our popular Barraloha exercise classes that you’ve come to love. We will continue to provide State-mandated discounts for our local clientele but will be transitioning them to more appropriate areas of the building to better reflect their level of financial commitment. The destination parking area down the street has now been cleared for the exclusive use of our discount customers, and we ask them to use the expedition entrance around the rear of the building. Call to inquire about times and availability. No walk-ins, please. Keep an eye out for additional learning opportunities as we continue to grow into our newest incarnation. This is a joyous time for all of us and we appreciate your help in separating the wheat from the chaff.