Never one to shy away from an unusual promotion, or an outrageous marketing scheme, Manimal has announced that it will be converting the company’s numerous emergency coolers in Lahaina to “Victory Coolers.” Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that like many, he was bitten by the Pu’u bug, and wants to help celebrate the high school lava sled team’s amazing year. When and if the Blue Wolves win this year’s upcoming State Championships, the company will automatically unlock all 14 coolers filled with the popular sports drink, and allow fans to celebrate with an ice cold Manimal.
Riding an unprecedented 7-year-long winning streak, the Pu’u Blue Wolves have the most dominant high school lava sledding team in Hawaiian history, and that success has cultivated a rabidly enthusiastic fan base. Last year’s captain Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai considers himself one of the most loyal members of the “Wolf Pack” and says he can’t wait to drink a victory Manimal with other fans.
“I know some of the celebrations might have gotten out of hand before, and people are worried that giving free energy drinks to someone who is already overly-excited might not be the best idea, but I think it’s a great! What other drink can compare to the thrill of flying down the side of a mountain at 60 mph standing on a wooden sled. It’s as intense as it gets, and I know that we’ll make it 8 times in a row this year. I can’t wait to hear the electromagnetic lock pop on one of those coolers. You can keep the champagne. The Wolf Pack celebrates with Manimal!”
Created as part of an infrastructure and sewer improvement contract won by the beverage company after hurricane Neki, Manimal installed the emergency coolers to provide residents with “extreme refreshment for extreme emergencies.” Almost eight feet tall, with magnetic locks, and filled with the popular energy drink, the coolers were designed to be remotely opened after a natural disaster or city-wide emergency. Kane said the coolers would help solve the two biggest problems with traditional emergency beverages: they’re warm, and they aren’t Manimal.
Many at the time derided the city council’s decision to approve the plan to dot the Lahaina landscape with emergency coolers filled with the sports drink. They pointed out that in an emergency, people use water to cook food and for sanitary purposes as well, not just quench their thirst. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho approved the measure saying, the company, “Did a terrific job showing their aloha spirit by rebuilding our waste water system at a greatly reduced price. I love the design of the branded manhole covers and sewer grates, and I’m confident the emergency coolers will be just as tastefully done. Look, it’s not like you can take a shower with a couple bottles of water anyway. I’m sure that anyone looking for something potable to drink after a hurricane would be thrilled to have a cold Manimal.”
However, Manimal does not have the best track record when it comes to promotions in its hometown. While very popular, the public ATV program still suffers from frequent technological problems over a decade after its unveiling. In addition, just a few days ago, a child somehow managed to open one of the coolers, and was trapped inside for almost an hour. Local resident Randy Wilcox was supervising the child at the time, and says he still has concerns.
“My sister sometimes has to work nights, so I watch my nieces for her during the day. They’re great girls. Megan is smart as a whip. Melissa is going to be a great musician one day. You wouldn’t believe what she can make a ukulele do. Then there’s Mandy. I wouldn’t say that I have a favorite, but Mandy is close to my heart. She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. She’s a little fireball.
Anyway, we were all walking along the beach looking for shells and shark teeth when Mandy ran towards one of the coolers. My sister has three rules for me when I’m with the kids: No playing with fireworks, no doing product reviews for my Glimpsea or YouTube channel, and absolutely no Manimal for the girls, especially Mandy. I know that those coolers only open in an emergency so I wasn’t too worried, and thought I’d let her stare at the designs for a while. But when I looked over there a few seconds later she was gone. I yelled but she didn’t answer, so we ran over and that’s when we could hear her. She got inside somehow.
I called the number of the side but the tech couldn’t open the lock. Meanwhile you could hear Mandy cheering and opening up cans in there. I told her not to drink any, but I might as well have told a fish not to swim. By the time the fire department got there and pried open the door she was bouncing around like a pinball. In less than 30 mins, she had drank over a dozen cans. While that may not be on the level of Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale, it’s pretty impressive for a 6-year-old. I could hardly keep her sitting down when I was bringing her home from the hospital, and she jumped out of my truck before I was even parked in the driveway. I can only imagine what my sister dealt with that afternoon when I left. Hopefully, Manimal gets the bugs worked out before the weekend. Dealing with a jacked up first grader is one thing, but I’d hate to see what happens to Lahaina if the Blue Wolves win and the coolers don’t open.”
