New App Helps Farmers Find Love For Their Livestock

It seems that there is no shortage of dating apps on the market these days. No matter how small the community, or niche the activity you are interested in, there is an app to pair you with like-minded individuals. However, up until now there hasn’t been an app to find that perfect match for livestock, but that is about to change. The creation of biologist Thomas Mencken, Swineswipe allows farmers, ranchers, and breeders to swipe right on animals that catch their eye.

Three years in the making, Swineswipe allows farmers to search for livestock that perfectly match their needs. Users can search through a number of species and breeds, and see how far away potential matches are. Valuable information about every animal is available on each profile including things like: age, weight, breeding potential, milk production (when applicable), hock length, body composition, temperament, eye color, favorite foods, and preferred activities.

While some may think a “dating” app for livestock is strange, Mencken says that Swineswipe will revolutionize the industry and be a valuable tool in animal husbandry. “When I was first approached with the idea I was skeptical, but after talking with Mr. Abramo and hearing his vision all doubts were cleared away, and I wanted a seat at the table.”

“Swineswipe allows breeders a chance to find that perfect match for their animals with a flick of the finger. Each profile contains everything you need to know, and probably a bunch of data that never occurred to you to ask. Many of our clients actually show profile pictures to their livestock to gauge their response, and increase the likelihood of compatibility. Despite the common misconception, farming has always been very technologically driven. We are offering the most comprehensive animal matching service available on the market. If you need lambs to lead to the slaughter, you need Swineswipe. You owe it to your animals and business.”

The response amongst those raising animals has been overwhelmingly positive, with many heritage breeders singing the praises of Swineswipe. However, not everyone is thrilled with the new app. Sebastian Malu, Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and outspoken animal rights activist says the new app is an “abomination” to the sanctity of animal life.

He says, “I’m not surprised that Bob Abramo has bank-rolled this latest weapon in the war against animals. It’s simply not enough for him to deprive these feeling creatures of their autonomy, and feed them until they are obese so their melting fat tastes better on his rapacious tongue. Now, he wants to provide them with a perfect partner? Why? Does providing a brief island of relief in a sea of pain really taste that good to him and Mr. Mencken? Despite his titles and degrees, it is clear that Thomas is nothing but a soulless butcher. He should make a perfect addition to the bloodthirsty dregs that Mr. Abramo surrounds himself with.”

Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised by the negative reaction from some saying, “The green juice crowd always whines a bit, but the good thing is they are so weak and sick all the time, it doesn’t last too long.” He does admit that one thing has come as a shock however, the demand for his stock amongst organic farmers.

“I always knew that we had the best heritage hogs on the island, but I was blown away by how many right swipes my sows have gotten. One thing’s for sure, there’s no need to put lipstick on these pigs. I know better than most how hungry Maui is, but until Thomas finished Swineswipe, I had no idea how thirsty it was too. I couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve cooked up. The Chop House changed the way steaks are broiled forever, and now we’re pushing the boundaries of animal husbandry. We’re expanding the menu at Abramo Holdings and I couldn’t be more proud. Swineswipe is one of the most mouth watering projects I’ve ever been a part of. Happy pigs are tasty pigs and I guarantee you can really taste the love in every bite.”