After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.
Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.
The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.
Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”
Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.
“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.
Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”
However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.
Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.
“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”
