Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.
Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.
Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.
Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.
Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?
Moderator: Shrigs?
Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.
Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..
Ano: Shrigs aren’t real
Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?
Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.
Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.
Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.
Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.
Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites
Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.
Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?
Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?
Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.
Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.
Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.
Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.
Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.
Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?
Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?
Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.
Elizabeth: I would say -15.
Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.
Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?
Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..
Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.
Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.
Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.
Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.
Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!
Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.
